Dance Me To The End Of Love
by piratewench78
Summary: It's Rayna's first tour after Maddie was born. She's made the decision to bring Deacon back to her band, in spite of all the complications that could bring. Can she keep her promise to Teddy? AU.
1. Chapter 1

_Dance Me to the End of Love_

 _Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin  
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in  
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove  
Dance me to the end of love_

 _-Civil Wars_

 _ **A/N: I decided to take a different look at what happened after Maddie was born, so this will be an AU story. I repurposed, and modified slightly, three chapters I used in the story "Every Mile, A Memory" and will continue from that. It's essentially my love letter to Deacon and Rayna.**_

Rayna had hardly slept the night before her first day back in rehearsal. As much as she'd loved having the time with Maddie, she was ready to get back to work. More than ready. She'd just started working on her album when she'd found out she was pregnant, which had forced her to postpone touring to support it. She'd been afraid the album wouldn't sell well without the tour support, but it had gone platinum. She'd even called Maddie her "platinum baby", believing in her own way her daughter had contributed to it. She'd had to revamp almost the entire track list, with Deacon out of the picture, and had even written a few songs herself. She'd been pleased with how it turned out and now she was ready to share it with her fans on tour.

This would also be her first tour where she was being booked into arenas. Half the dates were going to be in these step-up venues. She was excited at the prospect of performing in front of fifteen to twenty thousand fans a night. It was also a little bit of a scary proposition, as the label was banking on her ability to sell out those venues. It would also be her first tour without Deacon and that left her feeling a little sad. For most of her career, he'd been there beside her, and that had given her a lot of confidence.

She'd used session guitarists during the recording of the album and used other back-up singers for the harmonizing vocals. But now she had to have someone she could tour with, someone who would mesh with her and who she'd feel comfortable out on stage with. Most people didn't realize how important those relationships were, even for solo artists. Having the right mix and the right chemistry was key to being successful. Deacon had been a perfect partner, not just because he'd been her partner in real life, but because he made her better in the studio and on stage. She'd always said Deacon and the music were the same. And they were. It was all wrapped up in the whole package for her and now she would be testing her ability to move forward. She'd certainly done that in her personal life, but now she had to make it work in her professional life as well.

Today would be a new beginning. A new lead guitar player, a new direction, a new start. She'd upended everything else in her life, so now it was time for her career to move to a new place. She was ready.

* * *

Rayna was putting Maddie back into her car seat after rehearsal. It had been tougher than she'd thought it would be, getting back into the performing groove. It had been a year and a half since she'd performed on stage. And then getting used to a new guitar player. Well, _three_ new guitar players. Over the three weeks they'd been in rehearsal, she'd fired one, another one quit and now she was on her third. It had been stressful, but she needed this to be perfect. She needed someone who could perform at _her_ standards. This was her career, after all, and she had the right to want the best.

She was worried about the latest guy. Sam. He was good, came well-recommended, but he couldn't seem to follow her lead. She'd tried to be patient, because she knew that wasn't her strong suit, but she was getting stressed out about it. She didn't really understand what was so difficult. She'd been very specific about what she needed. How close he needed to be to her, how he needed to pay attention to what she was doing so he'd know how to change things up on the fly, if needed. She wasn't asking him to be Deacon, but she needed him to connect with her. She sighed as she fastened the strap over Maddie, who cooed at her, little spit bubbles coming out of her mouth.

Rayna wiped the baby's mouth and smiled at her. "Hey, there, sweet girl," she said, in a sing song voice. "You ready for mama to take you home? You ready to see daddy, precious girl?" Maddie squealed and waved her tiny arms and legs. Bucky cleared his throat behind her and she straightened up and turned to face him. She didn't like the look on his face. "What?" she said, with a frown.

He sighed. "So Sam just quit," he said, sounding frustrated.

She stood there with her hands on her hips. "Are you kidding me?" She rolled her eyes. "Why?"

Bucky shook his head. "He said you have unrealistic expectations," he said, with a smirk.

Rayna frowned. "I just want it to be perfect," she said, loudly. "Is that so wrong?"

Bucky tensed his jaw. "Good can be good enough," he said, knowing she wouldn't like that.

"No, Buck, good _isn't_ good enough," she said tersely. Then she sighed. "So now what? We're three weeks away from starting this tour and I don't have a lead guitar player. What do we do now?"

Bucky took a deep breath. "There is a fix," he said, looking at her apprehensively.

Rayna looked at him evenly. She knew who he was referring to. "No," she said, shaking her head.

"Rayna, it might be our only option. We don't have a lot of time to get someone up to speed." He gave her a crooked smile. "And he is available."

"I can't do that, Buck, you know that," she said, still shaking her head. "Teddy would have a fit. And, well, it just wouldn't work. We can't work together and that be all it is."

"Why not, Rayna? I mean, you're happily married, you have a baby. So you used to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't work together."

Rayna paced around the room, waving her arms in the air. "It's more than just that we used to be in a relationship, Bucky. You know that. It was so much more than that. It's too, I don't know, too volatile, or something. I don't think it would work. I don't even think he'd consider it." She could feel her hands shaking, her insides quivering. She couldn't possibly work that close with Deacon again, not after everything, not after Maddie. It was one thing to know Maddie was Deacon's daughter, it was another for him to be around all the time. She'd promised Teddy not to tell Deacon, but if he was that close to her every day, well, she just wasn't at all sure she could do that.

"Rayna, I think you can do it. You're the most professional artist I know. And I also know you want to have the best around you." He paused. "Deacon _is_ the best. And you know that. And he knows you and how to work with you. Just set the boundaries, if you feel like you need to. But this is your career and we can't keep going on like this, with a rotating lead guitar situation. We're really out of time."

Rayna looked at her manager. She knew he was right, she couldn't keep doing this. She wasn't at all sure she could handle Deacon being in her band again though. She wasn't sure _Deacon_ could handle it. He was still in that place where his recovery was so tentative. She kept hearing Coleman's voice in her head. _You need to cut ties with him, Rayna, once and for all. If you don't, he won't ever get better. You need to stay out of his life and let him get this right._ She closed her eyes and turned away. She could feel tears burning behind her eyes. She wasn't at all sure they could make this work.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was shocked to get the call from Bucky. "Are you sure?" he'd asked. "I mean, she said you could call me?"

"Yeah, she did. Are you available?"

He was still a little stunned. "Um, yeah," he said finally. This was what he wanted, a regular gig, but he never expected it would be with Rayna. Could it mean there was trouble with Teddy? He couldn't imagine her reaching out to him otherwise.

"We'll be out six months, with a break Thanksgiving week and a month between mid-December and mid-January. Ninety-five dates, half in arenas, Rayna's headlining them all." Bucky paused. "Any conflicts?"

Deacon was impressed. This would be Rayna's first tour headlining arenas. He felt proud of her, even though he knew he probably hadn't helped her. This was all her. "None."

"Well, Rayna would like for you to come by tomorrow, to Sound Check, so y'all can talk about the details." Bucky paused. "I need to make sure you understand that things would be different, Deacon. If y'all work this out."

Deacon felt his heart sink. "Sure, Buck. I get that," he said. "When tomorrow?"

"Come by about two. We're in the main rehearsal hall."

"I'll be there." When he hung up, he just sat, running his hands over his face. This was a call he'd never expected to get. He wondered why she'd reached out to him. Despite what Bucky said about things being different, he wondered if they really would be. His heart yearned for Rayna. He wanted to be able to show her he'd figured out how to fix this thing. That he could be the man she wanted him to be.

* * *

He felt anxious when he drove into the parking lot at Sound Check. He sat in his truck for a few minutes trying to calm his nerves. He breathed in and then breathed out in a whoosh. He got out of the truck and headed for the building. He hadn't been here in a while either. This was always where they rehearsed, but he hadn't been back here since Rayna had fired him from her band, back at the end of her last tour. Before Teddy, before her baby.

He wondered what she would be like. Would she be different? Look different? He supposed that Teddy was a lot more like what she was used to, growing up in Belle Meade. He probably wore suits to work and kept his hair trimmed neatly and was clean shaven. He probably didn't drink much, if he drank at all, and he certainly wouldn't get drunk. He wondered if Teddy was a good husband or if she'd just married him to get away from their life together. He scowled as he thought about it.

Coleman had warned him not to do this. Told him this was exactly what he didn't need to do right now. _Deacon, she's poison to you. You know that. Why do this to yourself? Why put yourself in exactly the situation you've been trying to avoid? I know you're not over her. And if you are around her every day, with her not returning those feelings, how's that going to work?_

He clenched his jaw as he thought about that. He understood what Cole was trying to do, but he thought there was a chance his sponsor was wrong about this. And even if he wasn't, he was sure he could handle it. He felt strong enough to handle it.

As he walked down the hall, he felt his steps get slower, more deliberate. His heart was beating out of his chest. He was trying not to have any expectations, but this was Rayna. _Ray._ He felt like he couldn't breathe as he reached the door of the rehearsal hall. He stood still and put his hand on the door knob. He closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. And then he pulled the door open.

* * *

Rayna still took his breath away. She somehow looked even more beautiful, if that was possible. Then he realized that it was because she looked rested and at peace. He couldn't remember the last time she'd looked like that when they were together. She'd always looked stressed or frantic or weary or angry, never rested or at peace.

He knew it had been a while since she'd had her baby, but she looked great. Her jeans hugged her long, lean legs, just like always. She had on an old Ryman t-shirt he remembered and a broken in pair of boots. Her hair was longer than he remembered, floating past her shoulders. She looked younger. He supposed that was because she no longer had to worry about him.

He felt like his chest was going to explode. He could hardly breathe. He couldn't believe he was actually standing here, with her. He'd thought about this moment – seeing her again – the whole time he was in rehab. Even though he'd known she'd gotten married and had a baby, somehow he kept imagining that she'd be waiting for him. Looking at her now made him feel like a knife had been stuck in his gut. He'd missed her and wanted her so much, but he couldn't have her. He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

She smiled, a little hesitantly. "Hey," she said, in that voice he heard in his dreams, all sweet and sexy.

He smiled back at her. "Hey, Ray," he said. "Thanks for calling. Or, I guess, having Bucky call."

She looked away for a moment, then back, nodding. "Thanks for coming by." She took a deep breath and then turned slightly, gesturing towards a table set up just below the stage. "Let's sit down."

They walked over and sat, on opposite sides of the table. Rayna looked at her hands, clenched in front of her. He noticed the large diamond ring and the wedding band on her left hand and he felt a little sick to his stomach. "How you been, Ray?" he asked, his voice soft.

She looked up. "Good," she said. "Really good." She bit down lightly on her bottom lip. "How about you?"

He sat back in his chair, his arms stretched out on the table in front of him. He wanted so badly to reach for her hands, but he knew he couldn't. "Me too." He gave her a lopsided smile. "Thirteen months sober. Well, in less than a week, it'll be that."

She seemed to relax a little then, giving him a smile that had some warmth to it. "I'm so glad, Deacon. I really am." She sat forward just a bit. "I'm so proud of you."

The silence stretched out between them. They'd never had problems talking to each other before, but everything was different now and he didn't know how that was going to work. He cleared his throat and sat up. "So Bucky said you need a lead guitar player," he said.

She looked down, then back up at him, and nodded. "Yeah, I do." She took a deep breath. "I don't know if it would be the right thing to have you come back, Deacon. I just want to be honest. There's been so much between us. And it might not be for good. But I need someone, right now, and you know me and how I like to perform, but…" She looked away, but not before he thought he caught the hint of tears in her eyes. "A lot would have to change," she said quietly.

He swallowed over a lump in his throat. "I get it, Ray, I do," he said. "Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it." His heart hurt so bad, sitting this close to her and knowing he couldn't have her. That she probably didn't really want him anymore. He knew she was doing this because she was in a bind. "Anything you want," he said. "I can make it work. I promise."

She looked at him then with an expression he couldn't quite read, but he knew he'd made hundreds of promises to her, maybe thousands, most of which he hadn't been able to keep. So he knew that he'd have to work hard to prove himself to her. She cleared her throat. "I'm not doing the real personal stuff we wrote together. You know, the obvious…love songs." He nodded. "I don't think we can write together, for now anyway. I need you to be here, every day, on time, for rehearsals, for sound checks, for performances." She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Ain't a problem, Rayna," he said. "I'm sober. I'll stay that way."

She breathed in. "I'll want you to go to meetings regularly when we're touring."

"I go to a meeting every day," he said, interrupting her. "I'll keep doing that."

She nodded. "Good." She clenched and unclenched her hands. He saw tension in her face. "I need to be able to rely on you, like before, for arrangements and stuff, and we'll need to be able to work together…professionally," she said. "And that's all it can be, Deacon." Her face softened a little. "I'm married now. And a mama. And that's the most important thing to me. You and me, we're just working together. Do you understand that?"

He nodded. "I do. I get it." He felt a dampness in his eyes he didn't want her to see, so he looked down. "You don't have to worry."

She was silent for a few moments. "Did you bring your guitar?" He looked up at her and nodded. She breathed out. "Why don't you go get it? We've only got three weeks before the tour starts and you have a lot to catch up on. Our set list is a lot of new stuff and I need you to get familiar with it and start thinking about arrangements."

He nodded. "Thank you, Rayna," he said. "I promise you won't be sorry."

She gave him a measured look, then nodded. "I hope not," she said.

* * *

Rehearsal went surprisingly well. Rayna had added quite a few songs Deacon wasn't familiar with, but he was confident he'd be ready by the time the tour buses pulled out in three weeks. He stuffed music sheets into his messenger bag to take home. He was comfortable with the stuff they'd done together. He felt a little sad that she wasn't doing some of their earlier songs anymore, but he understood. Especially now, with him back in her band. It would be awkward, for both of them.

He put his guitar in its case and closed it. He slid his messenger bag over his shoulder and picked up his guitar to leave. "Thanks, Deacon," came Rayna's voice behind him. "For doing this."

He put his things down and turned to face her. "Thank you for asking me, Rayna," he said, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. "I'm guessing I was the last person on your list."

She fidgeted with her hands and looked down a second, then back up at him. "I'll be honest. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do," she said. "It brings up, you know, a lot of stuff. Old stuff. Bad stuff." She raised her eyebrows. "I don't want to be wrong about this, Deacon. I went out on a limb for you. I can't have you mess this up."

He wondered, then, what she'd told Teddy about doing this. And what he might have said about it. He couldn't imagine Teddy was happy about it. "I know, Rayna," he said. "I don't wanna let you down."

She nodded, still fidgeting with her hands. "You can't, Deacon. You just can't." She bit her lip. "And I need you to respect the boundaries." He nodded. "I went out on a limb for you," she said again. Then he knew, that she'd had to fight Teddy for him. He fought the smile that wanted to play over his face, just breathing in deeply. "So, well, I need to get home. To Maddie."

He smiled at her, a little shyly. "Your little girl?" Rayna nodded. "I hope I get to meet her soon." He saw something in her eyes, then, that he didn't understand. And then it was gone.

"You probably will. I usually bring her with me, but, you know, she wasn't feeling good today, so Teddy stayed home with her." She took a couple steps back then. "I'll see you tomorrow, then," she said.

He nodded. "Yeah. Tomorrow." He watched as she turned and walked out without a look back or any hesitation in her footsteps. A warm feeling ran through him as he thought about the fact that she wanted him. Even if it was just as her guitar player, he was glad she was letting him back into her life. But his heart ached as he watched her leave, to go home to her husband and baby daughter. It hurt that she wasn't leaving to go home with him and that she might never do that again.

He sighed then and turned back to pick up his messenger bag and guitar case again. He looked around the rehearsal hall, glad to be doing this again, glad to have a steady job and be able to do what he loved. And be with the woman he loved, even if he never got the chance again to tell her that.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna nearly dropped the keys, her hands were shaking so badly, as she unlocked her car. She got in, closed the door and breathed in and out slowly. Her heart was racing, butterflies were fluttering through her stomach. She had not been at all sure bringing Deacon back into her band would be a good thing. He certainly had not lost his touch as far as understanding her and what she needed, professionally speaking. But she had underestimated just how much having him around would affect her heart. Teddy had warned her, the day before, when she'd told him her plan. Actually he'd more than warned her, he'd blown up at her.

 _She was sitting at the kitchen table when Teddy came home from work. He walked in and kissed her on the cheek as he headed for the refrigerator. "How was your day?" he asked, as he pulled out the tea pitcher and then got a glass from the cabinet._

 _She watched him pour his tea and waited for him to sit down. "It wasn't the best of days," she said._

 _He frowned a little. "What happened?"_

 _She smiled at him a little. She knew he didn't really understand her career, although he tried to be supportive. He hadn't been thrilled with her decision to go back to work so soon after Maddie had been born, but he'd put that aside when he'd realized how much it meant to her. "I lost another lead guitar player today," she said. "He said my expectations were too high."_

 _Teddy's jaw clenched. "Surely there are other guitar players around," he said._

 _She nodded. "There are. But we're so close to the tour starting. I don't have a lot of time to try to break in someone new and get them accustomed to how I like to perform. It's a tricky thing, babe, trying to find the right chemistry and all that." She looked at him carefully._

 _She could see the twitch in his cheek. His eyes narrowed a bit. "Please don't tell me you're thinking about hiring Deacon Claybourne," he said, his voice low._

 _She swallowed hard. "Babe, he's the best. Plus he_ _knows_ _me. On stage. I'll be very clear on the boundaries…."_

" _I don't want him around Maddie," he said, his voice tinged with anger._

 _She made a face. "Don't be absurd, Teddy. He has no idea Maddie is his."_

 _Teddy's face got red. "Maddie is_ _mine_ _, Rayna. But there's no reason for him to be around her. I don't want someone like that around my daughter."_

 _She frowned at him. "Teddy, he's been sober for a year…."_

 _Teddy looked at her incredulously. "Rayna, hasn't he managed to stay sober that long before? And then still fallen off the wagon? Have you forgotten how he destroyed you? How difficult your life was?"_

 _She looked down at her hands. It was true. He'd managed to stay sober a little over a year the first time. He always tried hard. Even when he faltered, he'd work hard to get back on track. It was one of the reasons it was so hard to leave him. He was sincere in his attempts to stay sober, every time. But it was a sickness and it was hard, for him and for her. She sighed. "I think it's different this time, Teddy. I'm not available. He has to do this on his own. I know he doesn't want to be a drunk…."_

 _Teddy laughed sarcastically. "I don't think anyone_ _wants_ _to be a drunk, Rayna. But he is. And he has a history of not being able to make it work. And let's forget about Maddie for a minute, but how can you ever trust him? He'll just blow things up all over again." He shook his head. "I'm going to tell you this is a very bad idea, Rayna." He breathed out. "No, actually I'm going to tell you not to do this. It's too risky."_

 _She glared at him. "_ _I'm_ _the one taking the risk, Teddy. It's_ _my_ _career."_

" _I'm not talking about your career, Rayna, you can do whatever the hell you want about that. I'm talking about Maddie. If you're this close to him, I'm not sure I can trust you to keep our agreement."_

 _She stood up and walked away from him. Before she left the room, she turned back. "I would never do anything to hurt our daughter," she said, through clenched teeth, her eyes flashing. "You know that. And I will never do anything to harm your relationship with her. But you're just going to have to trust me that I will honor our agreement."_

 _Teddy shook his head, a sarcastic smile on his face. "I'll be watching, Rayna." He stood up as well, pointing his finger at her. "If you do this, you're doing it against my wishes. I don't want him around my daughter. Just remember, Rayna, you agreed to this. You asked for my help. Don't think I wouldn't tell him your part in this if you ever cross me on that." He walked over to her and took her arm, not gently but firmly. "Promise me, Rayna. Promise me you won't ever tell Deacon about Maddie."_

 _She didn't like him threatening her. But she could also think of no way she could tell Deacon without it blowing up in her face. She pulled her arm away from Teddy. "You don't have to worry, Teddy," she said evenly. "I told you I wouldn't do anything to harm your relationship with Maddie, and I meant that. Now you'll just have to trust me." And then she turned and walked away from him, down the hall to Maddie's nursery._

She _had_ told him the truth – she wouldn't say anything to Deacon. It was also true that she had no idea how she would even begin to blow up everyone's lives like that anyway. In reality, the moment she'd made that agreement with Teddy, back when she'd first found out she was pregnant, she'd known that it would be a very long time – if ever – before she could tell Deacon he had a daughter. And that meant she had to let him go, just like Coleman had told her she needed to. But now he was back, and they were stepping back into what used to be, in a way. She wasn't sure how this would go, if she could stay strong enough.

She stood in the doorway to Maddie's room, Teddy's words still echoing in her head, and once again, like she did nearly every day, she cried.


	2. Chapter 2

Rayna put her mic back on the stand and turned around to face her band. She had a big smile on her face. "That was awesome, y'all," she said. She let out a deep breath. "We leave tomorrow, headed for Atlanta. It's been a long time for me and I am really ready to get back out there on the road. Thank y'all for hanging in there and waiting for me." She turned slightly to nod at Deacon. "And thanks to Deacon for coming back when we needed him." She breathed in, just taking in the moment, and then smiled again. "Great rehearsal! I'll see y'all tomorrow to get on the buses!" She clapped and the rest of the band joined in.

As they dispersed, she hesitated just a moment. She bit her lip lightly, then said, "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

He'd been putting his guitar away and he turned back to face her. "Sure. What's up?"

She watched as the rest of the band picked up their things and started to head out. Deacon had taken a couple steps towards her, but then stopped and looked at everyone leaving. When everyone was gone, he turned back at her with a puzzled look on his face. "I, well, I just wanted to let you know, um, you know, that I appreciate you stepping in like this," she said, her face getting a little red.

He nodded. "No problem, Rayna. Thank you for the opportunity."

She swallowed. "I know I said a lot of hurtful things to you, back then," she said, and then she looked away for a moment.

He took another couple steps closer. "It's okay, Ray. I get it," he said, his voice quiet.

She looked back at him. "I told Bucky this wouldn't work, that we couldn't do this." She gave him a tiny smile. "But so far, it has. And I appreciate you being respectful, um, of the boundaries."

He didn't say anything, just nodded.

She was very conscious of the fact that her knees were shaking just a little, that her stomach was quivering a little with butterflies, the way she always felt when he was around these days. Teddy had made her get a babysitter for Maddie while she was at rehearsal, but she'd brought her today. Maddie was going on tour with her and there just wasn't any way for her to avoid Deacon seeing her. She had wondered if he might have thought Maddie was his, but he hadn't given any indication of that, so she'd decided to take a chance. "So," she said finally. "I brought Maddie today. Would you like to meet her?"

He looked a little surprised, then his face softened with a little smile. "I'd love to," he said.

As they walked off the rehearsal stage, she was conscious of him following her, not exactly beside her, but just off her right side. She could hardly breathe as she considered the potential consequences. _What if he notices she's got his hair? What if he sees how much she looks like him? What if he figures out that somehow we were together at the right time?_ She felt like she was going to throw up and took a deep breath. She felt her palms sweating and she rubbed them on her jeans.

When they got to the door of the office, she stopped and turned to him. "She might be sleeping, so…." She held a finger up to her lips and he nodded. "And her babysitter is with her." She turned back to the door and opened it slowly. Deacon followed her in as she walked over to the pack-and-play. Mia looked up as they walked in. "Mia, this is Deacon Claybourne," she said, glancing over at him. "He's in my band, and…an old friend." She looked back at Deacon. "Mia is going out on tour with me, to take care of Maddie when I'm performing."

"Hi," Mia said, shyly. Deacon just nodded in her direction before turning back to look at Rayna.

Rayna leaned over and saw that Maddie was awake. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed. Maddie smiled and kicked her legs. Rayna picked her up and held her on her hip, turning to face Deacon. She swallowed hard, but she still felt like she had a lump in her throat. "Deacon, this is Maddie," she said, her voice cracking just a little.

Maddie stared at Deacon, her little face solemn, in that way that Deacon's was when he was considering something. She had the faintest little furrow between her almost non-existent brows, just like Deacon, her tiny fingers in her mouth. Rayna prayed he wouldn't see those things. She watched him as he looked at Maddie, waiting for him to say something. After what seemed liked hours, but was probably just seconds, he smiled just a little, his eyes crinkling. "She's beautiful, Rayna," he almost whispered. "I can see you in her."

She took a deep breath. "Well, she really has Teddy's hair color and, you know," she said, feeling like she sounded awkward. _If only he knew._

The smile left his face. "I guess," he said as he looked back at her. "She's got your eyes though." He took a step closer and focused back on Maddie. "Hey, Maddie," he said, with a genuine smile. "I'm Deacon."

Surprisingly Maddie reached out her hand out towards him. Rayna's eyes widened. "Usually she's afraid of new people," she said. Maddie made a little noise as she continued to reach out towards Deacon. "Would you like to hold her?" she asked.

Deacon worked his lip a minute, then nodded. "Okay," he said. Rayna took the couple steps towards him and handed Maddie to him. He fitted her bottom into the crook of his arm and then moved his other hand to steady her. She looked up at him solemnly for a moment, as he looked down at her.

Rayna felt like her heart had stopped beating. Seeing Deacon hold his daughter for the first time nearly tore her in two. She wanted to tell him so badly and hated that she could not. She just watched as the two of them looked at each other and then, suddenly, Maddie made another noise and actually smiled at Deacon. She couldn't keep the tears from clouding her eyes. Deacon looked at her and she smiled. "I think she likes you," she choked out, trying to blink the tears away.

He grinned. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."

* * *

As Rayna drove home, she listened to Maddie making little noises in the back seat. Although she had been nervous about Deacon being around her daughter, she'd been relieved at how well it had gone. He hadn't acted as though anything were out of the ordinary and she knew, if he had, he'd have said something. Maddie had seemed entranced by him, almost as though she knew there was a biological connection.

She knew Teddy would be angry when she told him – and she would tell him – but it was going to be a fact of life once they went out on tour. Of course, his reaction would be that she shouldn't have hired Deacon in the first place, something he'd said in some manner every day since she'd done it. But she couldn't ignore him. And she did need him, that much she knew now. As anxious as she'd been about bringing him back to her band, it had given her a sense of comfort to have him there.

They were still feeling their way with each other. It wasn't the same as it was before and she avoided spending much time with him alone. She also avoided looking him in the eye for long, because she could see everything he felt there, and she knew he still loved her. She didn't want to still love him, but the minute she'd seen him, she'd known that was a lost cause, and so she worried that he could see that in her own eyes. Even if there had been no Maddie, her heart was still entwined with his and she wasn't sure exactly how to get past that. She loved Teddy – truly she did – but Deacon was in her blood.

 _After Deacon had given Maddie back to her and walked out, almost abruptly, she'd struggled to regain her composure. She had paced the room, holding her daughter against her chest. She felt the tears she'd held in as she'd watched Deacon hold their daughter slide down her cheeks now. She never forgot, every time she held Maddie or watched her, that she and Deacon had made her. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut, and thought, once again, about how much she wished she and Deacon could have made a home and a family for their daughter. She knew that no matter how good a father Teddy was and how attentive he was and how well he provided for them, it would never be the dream she'd had for eleven years. That dream that she and Deacon would make a life together, loving each other and their family, making music, forever._

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon drove into the Sound Check parking lot like he had every day for the last three weeks. He got out of his truck and pulled out his guitar case and messenger bag and then locked up, heading into the building for rehearsal. On this day, like every day for the last three weeks, it had felt a little like déjà vu, and then he'd remember he wasn't with Rayna anymore. At least not with her in the romantic sense. They were coworkers or, more accurately, she was his boss. She'd been the boss for a while, of course, at least professionally, ever since the subtle shift they'd made some seven years ago or so to her being a solo artist.

That had been tough, in the beginning. Even though they'd both been on their own when they met, they'd become more of a duo when they started performing together. The songs they wrote were for them to sing together and he always stood beside her on stage. But when they started getting some notice by smaller labels in town, the A&R guys were just interested in her. In some ways he understood that – she definitely had star power – but it also had to do with sex appeal, something that got under his skin.

To be fair, it had been tough on both of them. She had resisted, at first, but the reality was that she was the one they wanted to give a record deal to. They both made peace with that, but it had taken him longer. He hadn't told her that, of course, because he supported her completely. He'd recorded an album of his own then, but it had gone nowhere. Eventually he'd come to terms with the fact that his role would be as a sideman and they had continued to write and perform together, even though he was her bandleader rather than a duo partner. They still wrote songs for themselves to sing, however, and it was always obvious how close to the heart they wrote.

He wasn't sure, though, how long it would take to get used to this new normal. Or _if_ he could get used to it. Rayna was skittish around him, not at all comfortable. Not that he was either. He couldn't get used to seeing that ring on her finger, or knowing she was a mama. It all seemed wrong somehow. When he stood behind her on stage, though, he could pretend nothing had changed. She seemed a little more relaxed around him then and it seemed more like what he remembered.

Watching her leave each night, that was what killed him. He wondered if he'd ever get used to her going home to someone else, having a life and a home with somebody who wasn't him.

* * *

He was a little nervous about how things would be on the tour. They were leaving the next day. It was one thing to come to rehearsal each day, it would be another to be out on the road. He would be in a different bus, of course, so not around her all the time, but she'd be out there without her husband. It was common for her to mingle with the band on tour and he wondered if that would be different. He thought it probably would, since she'd be bringing her baby with her.

 _Maddie._ He hadn't seen her yet. Rayna hadn't brought her to rehearsals. He didn't know why, but every time he thought about Rayna and her baby girl it made his heart hurt and he felt like crying. He supposed it was that he'd always thought they would do that together. They'd talked about marriage and a family many times, but it had never happened. He knew it was because of his drinking. She didn't want to have a family until he could get that under control. He had thought she'd always wait for him, but she hadn't, and she'd gone on to do those things with someone else. He felt an odd mix of sadness and anger, when he considered that. It was like she'd lost faith in him.

He tried not to dwell too much on things he couldn't change. It had felt good being back in her band, working with people he was comfortable with. He was still going to meetings every day. He needed that more than ever now, because being around her was hard. He was also glad to be back because he enjoyed making music with her. There was no one he'd rather make music with, that was still true. But he went home every day fighting his desire to drink. He missed her. He still loved her, that was the truth.

He was packing up his guitar when she called out to him. "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

That was nothing new. They talked enough, but it was always about the set list or an arrangement or where he stood on the stage relative to her. They hadn't talked about anything else, really, since the day she'd hired him. And she always made sure the two of them weren't alone with each other. He turned back towards her. "Sure. What's up?"

He'd been surprised when she told him she'd brought Maddie with her and that she wanted him to meet her. He hadn't had a lot of experience with babies, just Scarlett when she'd been tiny. But Maddie seemed to gravitate to him, something that had both warmed his heart and squeezed it at the same time. Rayna said she looked like Teddy, but he thought she looked like her mama. She had Teddy's hair color, true, but she had Rayna's eyes. And that determined look on her face, just like Rayna. He'd found it hard to breathe, as he thought about how it could have been them doing this, raising this little girl together.

 _Maddie felt comfortable in his arms. She looked up at him and then she smiled, a little bubble of drool sliding down her chin. He ran his fingers lightly over her arm as he held her. He looked at Rayna and thought she looked like she was going to cry._

" _I think she likes you," she said, her voice catching, her smile tremulous._

 _He took a deep breath. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked, forcing a smile on his face._

 _She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."_

 _He bit down on his lip and then looked back at Maddie, who was still smiling up at him. He looked again at Rayna. "Are you happy, Ray?" he asked, suddenly really wanting to know. Needing to know._

 _She looked a little puzzled, then smiled, a little sadly he thought. "Yeah," she said, a tinge of regret in her voice, it sounded like to him. "I am happy." She took a deep breath. "I hope you will be too, Deacon."_

 _He nodded. His heart hurt. He looked back at Maddie again and then he gave her back to Rayna. "She's a lucky girl," he said. "To have you for her mama." He took a couple steps back. "I'll see you tomorrow." And then he turned and walked out the door, tears rimming his eyes._

* * *

He sat in his truck in front of his house. He took a few deep breaths, trying to quiet his racing heart. He looked up at the little stone bungalow. It had been their house once. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat. He had a hard time remembering a lot of things that happened towards the end, but he did remember coming home after checking himself out of rehab the fourth time. When he walked in the house, it had felt empty, although there was still furniture in it. But as he walked around he realized all of her things were gone. Her clothes were gone from the closet and the chest in the bedroom. Her makeup and shampoo and toiletries were gone from the bathroom. The tea set she'd put in the little dining room. The guitar her mama had given her. All gone.

He'd left the house, angry and hurt. He'd driven to the cabin, where he still had a stash of whiskey. And when he'd come to, he'd been in the middle of a disaster, both physical and mental. He'd trashed the cabin, but more than that, he'd trashed his life. He hadn't wanted to go to rehab the fifth time, but he'd done it for her. He'd done the work and struggled to find a way to make this time successful. But he was doing it for her. She'd always been in his thoughts. Hers was the face he saw whenever he felt like he couldn't go on. And while he hadn't necessarily expected her to be there the day he got out, he hadn't really been prepared for the fact that she'd gotten married and had a baby.

His memories were jumbled back then, and still were, so he couldn't account for the timing of all that, and he wasn't sure he had any of the events in the right order. He knew she'd started dating Teddy after she'd broken up with him, but he hadn't thought it was serious, since she still hadn't taken everything out of the house then. In fact, he thought she was doing it to show him she could move on. He knew, from the date, that she'd gotten married around the time he went to rehab the last time, maybe a little after that. When Cole told him she'd had her baby just a few days before he'd gotten out of rehab, he'd tried counting back to when she would have gotten pregnant. But he knew he couldn't have been the father. It had been too long since they'd been together, but he also knew she'd never not tell him. It still hurt that she'd turned to someone else. That she'd let someone else give her that family life she'd always wanted.

He opened his eyes and looked back at the house. He couldn't go in there right then. He started his truck and pulled away from the curb, heading down the street.

* * *

The meeting was almost over when Cole slipped in and sat down beside him. Deacon turned and gave him a quick nod. Cole gave him a quick pat on the knee and sat back in his chair. Deacon breathed in deeply, grateful that his sponsor had gotten his message. After he'd sat outside the old bar where he used to drink until he passed out, for over an hour, he'd gone to a pay phone and called Cole. He got his sponsor's answering machine and left a message as to where he'd be, hoping he'd get it and make it in time.

When the meeting was over, Cole looked over at him. "Glad you called," he said, then gave him a lopsided smile. "You really need to get a cell phone though."

Deacon frowned. "I don't need no fancy gadgets. Land line works just fine."

Cole breathed in, putting both hands on his knees. "You wanna go get coffee?" he asked.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah."

* * *

Once they were settled into a booth in a non-descript diner, with coffee in hand, Cole started the conversation. "So tell me what's going on, Deacon," he asked.

Deacon worked his lip for a moment, then took a sip of his coffee, giving himself time. Finally he breathed out and said, "I went and sat in front of a bar tonight." He rubbed his face. "You were right. It's gonna be hard. It _is_ hard." He hesitated a moment. "She brought Maddie today. Kinda makes it real, you know?"

Cole nodded thoughtfully. "That would do it."

Deacon shook his head. "Look, I knew when I went back she was married and all. It ain't that I don't get that. But, you know…I thought she'd wait for me." He sighed. "I really thought she'd wait for me."

Cole rubbed his thumbs on his coffee cup. "Why did you think drinking was gonna fix that?" he asked, ignoring Deacon's comment.

Deacon shrugged. "Habit, I guess." He looked up at his sponsor. "But I didn't go in. I didn't drink. I gotta make this work."

"Don't do this for Rayna, Deacon," Cole said, a sad look in his eyes. "You gotta do this for _you_."

Deacon looked out the window. "I know." He looked back at Cole. "It ain't easy though. It ain't gonna be easy."

"Working with her is gonna make it harder, you know that. Your recovery is more important than you being in her life, Deacon."

Deacon frowned. "It ain't just about being in her life."

Cole raised his eyebrows. "Isn't it? Isn't that why you took this job?" Deacon looked away again. "I know you needed a job, Deacon, but you could have done something else. _You_ wanted this. You want to be back in her life. You want her back in _yours_. And it's just not gonna happen. She's married. She's moved on."

Deacon slammed the coffee mug on the table and glared at Cole. "I get it," he said, his jaw tight, his voice angry. "I know she went off and married Teddy Conrad. And had a baby. I get it. I know that's what she wanted. She just didn't want it with me." His voice trailed off, more sad than angry.

Cole sat silently for a moment. When he started talking, his voice was low. "This is for the best, Deacon, her moving on. I know it hurt, but the two of you were toxic together." He put his hand up as Deacon seemed to be ready to contradict him. "I know you loved her. She loved you too. But look at all the pain, all the hurt. And all the times you told her you were gonna do this and you couldn't." Deacon looked down at his hands, chewing on his lip. "If you're determined to do this, work with her, you gotta figure out how to do it without crossing that line. She's moved on. It's time for you to do the same."

Deacon felt a pain in his chest and he looked at Cole sadly. "She's my family, Cole. Always has been. I don't know what to do if I'm not doing this."

Cole sighed. "Is all the booze gone?" Deacon nodded. "You're sure?"

"Yeah. Y'all found it all. It's gone."

Cole reached out and patted Deacon's hand. "Stay strong. Go to your meetings. Call me when you need me. If it gets tough, come home. This is your last chance, Deacon. If you can't make it this time, I don't think you're gonna make it at all."

Deacon looked at him, understanding what he meant. "I know. I'm gonna do it," he said, quietly.

* * *

When he got home, he walked through the house and out the back door. Without pausing at all, he walked straight out to the shed at the back of the property. He opened the door and headed straight for a bookcase against the back wall, pulling it back. He felt along the drywall carefully and then punched through it with his fist. His knuckles stung from the impact and he shook his hand gingerly, stretching his fingers. Then he took a deep breath and reached down behind the wall until his fingers wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle he'd hidden there and then drywalled over.

He pulled it out and looked at it. It was unopened. He took a deep breath and ran his tongue over his lips. He could taste it. He could feel it burn as it trailed down his throat. He could feel the warmth of it in his stomach. He swallowed hard.

He took the bottle back outside and shut the shed door. He went and sat on his back step and held the bottle, turning it around in his hands. The porch light made the caramel colored liquid look warm and inviting. He breathed in again and then he quickly twisted the cap off the bottle, breaking the seal. He held the opened bottle to his nose and breathed in. His eyes watered a little at the strong odor. He could even taste it again in his mouth, swallowing over the metallic afterburn.

Then he held the bottle out, his arm straight, turned it over, and poured it into the grass. He was surprised at the emotion he felt, getting rid of that last bottle, that last temptation, the one he'd known was still there. He knew he was still weak, but he felt strong as he watched the liquid rush out of the bottle until it was empty. Then he held the bottle between his knees and leaned back against the back door, his eyes closed, just breathing in and out.

When he felt his racing heartbeat slow and felt himself begin to calm down and as the desire for a drink began to subside, he opened his eyes, stood up and tossed the empty bottle in the trash. Then he walked back into his house.

 _I got sober for Rayna. I'm gonna stay sober for Rayna._


	3. Chapter 3

When Rayna pulled into the drive, she felt her stomach drop when she saw Teddy's car. She knew he would be upset that she'd taken Maddie with her. Anxiety raced through her as she opened the back door of her SUV and unfastened Maddie from the car seat. She swung the diaper bag over her shoulder and then lifted her daughter out of the seat. Maddie was gurgling and making what Rayna now knew were little happy noises. She put the baby on her hip and looked down at her daughter's precious face, smiling at the little girl in spite of the fact that she felt a little sick to her stomach. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed, kissing her on the forehead. "Daddy's home."

She walked up to the back door of the little bungalow they'd rented in Oak Hill just before Maddie was born. They had decided to build a house just outside of Belle Meade, but that was going to take nearly a year to complete, so they were renting the cute little house in a small gated community. She would have been happy living in a place like this, but Teddy felt like they needed to have a house that suited her stature in the music industry and his anticipated status in the business community. Which had led to the grand estate he'd envisioned for them that was now under construction.

She took a deep breath and then opened the door into the kitchen. The room was empty. She felt cold fingers run up her back, but she headed for the den. Teddy was standing by the window, looking out over the back courtyard. "Hey, babe. You're home early," she said, trying to sound more casual than she felt.

He turned, his face impassive, but she could see the little twitch in his jaw. She knew that meant he was pissed. "Where have you been?" he asked, his voice icy.

She swallowed hard and then she felt herself push all her anxiety and apprehension down, into one of the little boxes she put all her emotions in, so that she could stay calm and steady. "At rehearsal, of course," she said. "Last one before the tour starts." She stood, looking at him, knowing he wanted to say his peace.

"I thought you weren't going to take Maddie," he said. "We talked about that."

She couldn't help it, she rolled her eyes. "I know we _talked about it_ , Teddy. But she was fussy when I was ready to leave and she wouldn't go to Mia. There was just no way I could leave my baby girl when she was that unhappy." She met his steely gaze.

Teddy put his hands on his hips, then shook his head with one of those incredulous half-smiles on his face. "And I suppose you let Claybourne see her," he said flatly.

The diaper bag was heavy, so she dropped it on a chair and shifted Maddie to her other hip. "Yes, I did," she said. "So what, Teddy? He's going to see her when we start the tour."

"I think she should stay in Nashville," he said.

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "You can't be serious, Teddy," she said. "We talked about that. She's a _baby_. She needs her mama. I am _not_ going to leave her at home."

"Which is why I told you to wait to go back out on the road."

She frowned. "And I told _you_ I couldn't do that. This is my career and I _need_ to get back out on the road." She breathed out. "Teddy, we can't keep having this argument." She could see Teddy clench his jaw. It was a sore spot for him that she made more money than he did. A lot more. But there was no way they could have the lifestyle they had without it.

"She's too young, Rayna."

"Mia's going with us. When I'm on stage, she'll be asleep. The rest of the time I'll be with her."

Teddy smirked. "And Claybourne," he said nastily.

Rayna made a face. "That's what this is really about, isn't it? Well, I'm sorry that Deacon's back in my band, but I didn't really have a choice."

"Of course you had a choice, Rayna! I can't believe, in this town, there aren't a hundred other guitar players you could have picked from."

She shook her head. "He's the best. And he knows me. I told you that chemistry is important."

Teddy laughed an unpleasant laugh. "Oh, yeah, chemistry. I know all about your chemistry with Deacon Claybourne."

Just then Maddie started to get fussy. Rayna scowled at Teddy. "I need to put Maddie down," she said. She picked up the diaper bag and walked back to Maddie's nursery, leaving Teddy stewing.

As she changed Maddie's diaper and got her daughter settled down for a nap, she had a chance to settle her thoughts. She didn't want to fight with her husband, not when she was getting ready to leave for six weeks. As she rocked Maddie, she thought back to earlier that afternoon, when Deacon met Maddie for the first time.

 _She wondered if he'd see the resemblance that seemed so obvious to her. She never looked into Maddie's face without seeing Deacon, but maybe that was just because she knew Maddie was Deacon's daughter. When she told Deacon Maddie looked like her father, she knew he assumed she meant Teddy. And truthfully, it was an easy mistake to make. Maddie's hair was dark, like Deacon's, but also like Teddy's. And she was still young enough that her features weren't as pronounced yet and could easily be mistaken for Teddy's. But it was some of Maddie's facial expressions that reminded her so much of Deacon. The tiny line that would form between her brows when she was frustrated. The dimple in her cheek when she grinned. Her solemnness. It seemed unmistakable to her, but clearly Deacon hadn't seen it._

 _She knew he didn't remember much from that time. When she'd thrown the ring he'd given her on the floor, he hadn't remembered giving it to her, much less asking her to marry him. He scrambled around on his hands and knees looking for it, but she was the one who ultimately found it, lying against the leg of the couch. She'd picked it up and stuck it in her pocket, forgetting about it until she'd undressed that night, finding it then. She put the ring in a tiny box that she kept hidden in her underwear drawer. It was still there._

 _As disappointing as it had been for Deacon not to have even questioned Maddie's paternity, it also gave her sense of relief. If he didn't suspect and didn't know, it wouldn't be as hard to keep that secret. As much as she wanted him to know and still felt that someday he needed to know, she already felt like the time had passed. She wasn't sure she could adequately explain to him why she'd done what she'd done. But more than that, she didn't want to be the cause of him falling off the wagon. He was making good progress this time and she sensed this time was going to be different. Her biggest fear, though, was that if he found out she hadn't told him about Maddie, he'd go off the rails. And she did not want to be responsible for that._

She laid Maddie down in her crib and covered her daughter with a light blanket, rubbing her gently on her back. She walked to the door and stood there for a moment, looking back at the crib. Then she quietly closed the door and went back to the den, to finish the conversation she needed to have with Teddy.

* * *

When Rayna walked into the den, Teddy had turned back towards the window. But she noticed that his shoulders seemed slumped, as though he were defeated. She felt sadness in her heart for being the cause of that. She walked over to him and, standing behind him, she put her hand on his arm. She felt him tense up and she rubbed her hand up and down his arm.

"I know you're scared," she said softly. "But you don't have to be. I _love_ you, Teddy." He turned around to face her and she felt sad seeing the anguish in his face. She took his hand in both of hers. "I didn't marry you because I _had_ to. Yes, you offered me a safe haven, but, babe, I married you because I _wanted_ to. I knew you would take care of us and love us and give us that life I always wanted." She smiled at him encouragingly. "You're a good husband and a good father and we're building a _family_ together. I would never do anything to harm that."

Teddy breathed in and then looked away for a moment. Rayna could see him fighting tears. Then he turned back to her. "I love you, Rayna. I love Maddie. Y'all are the best things that ever happened to me. But I know you had this complicated, intense relationship with Deacon…."

Rayna shook her head. "I made a decision, Teddy, before you and I were even dating, that I couldn't be with Deacon anymore. Nothing has changed about that."

"Even if he stays sober."

She nodded. "Even if he stays sober." She thought about that for a brief second. _Would he? Could he?_ But Deacon was complicated and messy, even without the drinking, and she didn't want that kind of life for her daughter. "It isn't just about that, though, Teddy. I have a life with you now. And our daughter. And she is _our_ daughter. _This_ is what I want. This is what I _need_."

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

She nodded, her heart hurting that he felt unsure about that. "Of course." In that moment she knew, regardless of any feelings she still had for Deacon, that she had made that commitment to Teddy and, for better or worse, she would honor it.

He took a deep breath. "But you'll be on tour together, on a bus together…."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "He won't be on the bus with me. He'll be with the rest of the band, on their bus." She looked into his eyes and could see his need. She stepped closer and put her hands on his face. "I chose _you_ , Teddy," she said. "I would still choose you." She searched his eyes with hers. "I leave tomorrow. I don't want us to fight," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

He breathed in and then he put his arms around her and pulled her close, kissing her hungrily. She let herself give in to that and kissed him back, sliding her arms around his neck, giving him what he needed from her. The reality was that she would always love Deacon, always miss what they had, but she knew this was what _she_ needed, for herself and particularly for Maddie. She would do whatever she needed to do to reassure her husband of her commitment to him.

As he continued to kiss her, he pulled her closer against him and she could feel his arousal. _He's a good man. And he loves me far more than I deserve to be loved. I need to make sure he knows how much that means to me._ She moaned a little in the back of her throat and then she let him take her hand and lead her back to their bedroom.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon pulled out his duffle bag from the closet and started to throw clothes in it. The last time he'd been out on tour had been with Rayna. Back before his fourth try at rehab. Back when he was more than just a member of her band. He stopped and sat on the bed, rubbing his face. The last time he toured with Rayna, he was welcome in her artist's suite in the back of the big black bus emblazoned with her name on the side. In fact, they rarely came out of the bedroom in those days, venturing out only to get food and drink. In those days, though, they mainly lived on love and music.

" _I think I'm done writing, babe," Rayna purred. She reached for his guitar and, pulling it gently from his hands, laid it against the wall of the tiny bedroom. She was wrapped up in the sheet, but when she turned back to him she pulled it aside, showing him her lush, full breasts. She gave him a naughty smile. "I'm ready for you to do me." He grinned at her as she sat back on her heels, her legs folded beneath her._

 _Then he reached for her, pulling her close, as she giggled. He captured her mouth with his, sliding his tongue between her lips. He had one hand around her waist, the other sliding down between her legs. She had her hands on the back of his neck, then sliding up through his hair and she kissed him hungrily as she made little moaning noises and moved her hips in concert with the movement of his fingers._

 _When he could no longer stand it, he grabbed her by the waist with both hands and flipped her onto her back on the bed, hovering over her, panting hard. She looked up at him, her eyes half-closed. Then she put her hand around him and guided him inside her. He growled with his need and his pleasure…._

He shook his head hard. He put his hands on his knees and breathed in slowly and deliberately, then breathed out. He couldn't think about that. It was over. Done. She was married to someone else and she'd be in her bus alone, not with him. He had to stop thinking about her that way. She belonged to someone else, not to him.

He pushed up from the bed and, with a look of determination on his face, finished packing.

* * *

He pulled into the Sound Check parking lot thirty minutes before the buses were scheduled to pull out for Atlanta. He had gone to a meeting before driving over. Cole had met him there to give him support. He usually didn't speak at meetings, content to sit and listen and use others' experiences to give him strength. But he'd felt like speaking today.

 _I been an alcoholic feels like my whole life. My daddy was an alcoholic, mean son of a bitch. I wasn't gonna be like him, but it's like it's in your blood. At least that's what he told me. I went to rehab four times. Failed four times. I had a woman who loved me, in spite of all that. She was always there, even in the worst of times. But after four times she had enough. Walked out. Made a new life for herself._

 _I went one more time to rehab and promised myself I'd make it work. I been sober almost fourteen months. I think it's the longest I ever stayed sober. Even though we ain't together no more, I want her to be proud of me. I ain't just doing this for her, but I am doing it for her. I want her to know I can do this, that I can be the man she thought I could be. It don't mean I'll get her back, 'cause she's got a husband and a baby now, but I can at least show her I can do this._

 _I'm a guitar player and I finally got a steady gig, so I'm going out on the road. It's gonna be hard and there's lots of temptation out on the road, but I'm gonna do this. I used to think I had nothing to lose, but now I know I got everything to lose. I lost so much, but I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it._

 _Thank you._

It had felt good to put it out there. Cole often told him that speaking his truth out loud would help him stay on track. And he was right. He'd felt stronger after saying all that out loud. He didn't talk about Rayna by name at a meeting, but she was part of this. He thought about what she'd said when she hired him – that he had to go to meetings, that she didn't want him to mess this up. This was a test, on a lot of different levels.

Touring with Rayna would be different this time. During rehearsals she was like the old Rayna, flirty and fun, brushing against him lightly, giving him an almost-seductive look. But when the song was over, that was too. She still didn't talk to him much, unless it was about band business or set lists, and then she was careful to make sure there were other people around. She was trying very hard to enforce the boundaries and communicate to him that she was serious about them. He supposed it wasn't much different than if he were touring with, say, Faith Hill or Trisha Yearwood or Martina McBride. What was on stage was on stage and when the lights went down and the music stopped, you walked away into your different lives.

But this was Rayna. And so it was not that simple. For him, he knew, and he suspected even for her. Sometimes he would see something in her eyes or he would catch her looking at him, and he wondered just how not simple it might be for her. He was going to respect her boundaries though. He'd promised her that and he wanted to show her he could keep those promises. Even if it killed him to do it.

He got out of the truck and reached behind the seat for his duffle and guitar case. "Hey, Deacon!" he turned in the direction of the voice. It was Travis, the tour manager, gesturing to him. "Over here!" Deacon walked over to the bus where Travis was standing. It was labeled 'Rayna Jaymes #2' and he knew it was the band bus. 'Rayna Jaymes #1' was Rayna's bus and buses 3 and 4 carried equipment and wardrobe and other gear.

He walked towards the bus and as he rounded the front to get to the luggage hold, he saw Rayna standing by her bus, Maddie in her arms. And Teddy. He tossed his duffle in the hold and when he looked back up, Teddy was looking at him, with a self-satisfied look on his face. Deacon watched him turn towards Rayna, first giving Maddie a little kiss on the forehead, and then leaning in for a more intimate kiss with Rayna. Then he followed her up the steps into the bus, giving Deacon one last glance before they all disappeared.

He breathed in slowly, fighting the urge to storm off.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna heard Travis call out Deacon's name, but forced herself not to turn and look. She was standing at the door to her bus with Teddy and she wouldn't do that to him. She let him pull her in close and kiss her, but she felt a sadness deep in her stomach. She hated that, because he'd been nothing but loving since they'd had that conversation after she came home from rehearsal the night before. She'd let him make love to her that night and she worked hard to focus on him and give him pleasure. He didn't have to know that the little moans and sighs weren't completely because of the things he was doing to her. He was her _husband_. He deserved to feel loved.

He followed her onto the bus and helped her get Maddie situated in her pack-n-play. Then he took her in his arms again and held her close, kissing her. "I'm going to miss you both," he whispered against her lips.

She pressed herself against him and smiled. "Come out on the weekends, babe," she said. "Maddie would love it if her daddy came." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I would too."

"You're sure?"

She pulled out of his arms and took one of Maddie's toys out of her bag and put it in the baby's hands. Maddie made little cooing noises. "Of course, babe. You're always welcome. I mean, I know you have to work, but you can come out on weekends. Anytime you want."

He nodded, then smiled, that boyish grin that she really did love. "Okay. I will," he said. He kissed her once more, then tickled Maddie's tummy until she giggled. He looked back at her. "I'll come next weekend, how about that?"

She smiled. "That would be awesome. Just let Travis know for sure so he can make any arrangements you need." She laughed softly. "I'm never exactly sure where we'll be, but he always knows."

He nodded again, then leaned in for one last kiss. She captured his face with his hands and let the kiss linger just a bit, before she pulled back. "Have a good tour, then," he said. He looked at her adoringly. "I love you, Rayna."

She smiled back at him. "I love you too, babe." Then she watched him walk out of the bus, the smile fading from her face. When he was gone, she looked down at Maddie, and then sat on the bench seat across from her. "This is gonna be an interesting journey, baby girl," she whispered. She turned and pulled her legs up under her, resting her elbow on the back of the seat. She looked out the window at the bus parked slightly ahead of hers. The band's bus. She knew Deacon was on that bus.

She sighed deeply. In some ways, having Deacon back with her was very comforting. Performance-wise, he knew her so well and there was an ease between them on stage, even now with their relationship so changed. That part had felt familiar, even though she'd had to force herself to turn it off the minute they stopped performing. Having him here though, so close and yet so far away, that was the part that gave her pause. _Will we be able to do this? Can we really turn all of that off?_

"Ms. Jaymes, we're ready to go," the bus driver said to her, poking his head in the door.

She smiled. "Thanks, Dave. We're good." When he shut the door, she went back to looking out the window, in time to see the band's bus pull out of the parking lot. She reached up and wiped away the tears.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It had really hurt, seeing Rayna with Teddy. Seeing how possessive he was with her. It tore at his heart. He knew he needed to figure out how to deal with it or it would lead him to finding some way to get that first drink.

He turned away and headed up the steps into the bus. He'd never had to ride the band bus before. He looked around. It was a lot different than Rayna's bus. There was a small kitchenette and eating area, along with a long seating bench in front of the bunks. As he started down the narrow walkway between the bunks, he wondered which one he should take. He stopped in front of one.

"Oh, hey, man, you actually get the room in the back," Steve, the bass guitarist said.

Deacon looked up, a puzzled look on his face. "What?" he asked.

Steve nodded towards the back. "It ain't quite what you're used to, but the bandleader gets the private space."

Deacon shook his head. "Nah, man, I don't need that," he said.

"Take it, dude. It ain't much more than a bunk anyway, but at least you got a door."

Deacon raised his eyebrows, then shrugged. He headed back and opened the door to the private space. Steve was right, there was a bunk-type bed and a small table and very little else. But maybe it would be good to have some privacy. He slid his guitar case between the bed and the wall, then tossed his messenger bag beside it. He reached back and shut the door, then sat down on the bed.

He really hoped he could do this.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: To the reviewer who thought they read this before – you might have! I mentioned at the beginning that the first three chapters were repurposed from another story. The rest of the chapters have never been published before._

When the buses arrived at the hotel in Atlanta, Rayna was sitting up front, so that she could get off quickly. She wanted to be sure she got a chance to talk to Deacon before he went to his room. The driver opened the door and she rushed down the steps, standing on the sidewalk by the front entrance. There were fans there already and they started cheering and screaming as soon as they saw her. She turned towards them and waved with both hands, smiling her performance smile. She always got a thrill from seeing her fans and she hoped it never got old.

She kept an eye on the other bus and watched as her band members started to get off and the roadies started pulling out instrument cases and luggage. She got that quiver of excitement when she saw Deacon walking down the steps. He started to walk towards the cargo hold, but he looked up and saw her. She lifted a hand up and smiled and he walked towards her.

Her stomach was turning flip flops as he approached and she took a deep breath. "Hey," she said. "How was the ride?"

He nodded. "Smooth." He shoved his hands in his pockets and rolled his shoulders forward. "I don't need that special space though."

She shrugged. "Well, it came that way and so I decided, well, _we_ decided, Bucky and me, that it would be for the bandleader." She looked at him and bit her lip. He looked so good. She'd almost forgotten how good he looked when he wasn't drinking. She fidgeted with her hands and then she cleared her throat. "So, I was hoping maybe, once we get settled, we could meet for a few minutes to talk about the set list."

He frowned. "You don't like it?"

She shook her head. "It's fine. But I might want to tweak it just a little and I wanted to talk to you about that. Do you have some time for me?"

He took a beat and then he said, "I always got time for you, Rayna."

She suddenly felt like they were standing too close together and she took a step back. "Great. Thirty minutes? In the lobby?"

He lifted his shoulders and nodded. "I'll see you then."

She looked at him a moment longer, then smiled nervously, and turned back to where Mia was waiting for her with Maddie.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It was a long ride to Atlanta. He'd sat in the back for a while and worked on some music of his own. While he'd been in rehab, he'd written dozens of songs, almost all of them about Rayna. Some were angry songs, some were yearning songs, some were just plain sad songs. He finally put his guitar aside and leaned back on the bed. He closed his eyes and thought about watching her standing beside her bus before they pulled out. She'd looked so good, in her jeans and a long-sleeved top that hugged her body and fanned out over her still tight ass. He knew it was still tight because, when they would rehearse, he couldn't keep his eyes off it.

He'd watched her with Teddy and wondered if she really did love him. It seemed like she did. She was letting him hold her close and kiss her. He'd looked away, because if he hadn't, he thought he'd either cry or hit something. He hated watching someone else touch her. Always had. Back in the days when they were together, men always seemed to think they could hit on her or try to grab her ass or even her boobs. He'd lost track of the fights he'd gotten into over that. And even though he was trying to protect her, it seemed like every time he did it, it just ended up in a fight with her.

" _Deacon, you have to just let it go!" she shouted._

" _Are you fucking kidding me, Ray? I should just let a guy grab your ass or pinch your boob like that? Put his slimy hands all over you?" He stood toe to toe with her and she didn't give an inch._

" _I don't mind you saying something, or even a gentle push, but damn it, babe, you don't have to fight every guy who comes near me!" She stood with her hands on her hips, her eyes blazing._

 _He'd run his hands over his head. "Rayna, I'm not gonna let some guy paw you!" he shouted. "It just ain't gonna happen!"_

 _She stood her ground. "If you don't stop beating up every guy in the bar, we're never gonna get asked back." She lifted up her hand and poked him in the chest. "I can't have you put us in the position of not being able to play anywhere. I can take care of myself."_

He would fume and then she would let her face soften and she'd tell him she appreciated that he wanted to protect her and that she loved him for it, but he still couldn't beat everyone up. He'd apologize and she'd smile up at him and then she'd kiss him. The next thing he knew they were in bed, having hot sex, because, even if she didn't want him getting into fights, she loved that he took care of her.

He made himself stop thinking about her like she was still his. It didn't help and he was going to need to focus on performing, as long as he was on her tour. Eventually he left the back of the bus and joined the rest of the band up front. It helped to shoot the breeze with them and talk about the tour, got his mind off other things.

* * *

When they arrived in Atlanta, he planned to head straight to his room. He made his way down the steps and out onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel. He started to head to the cargo hold to get his gear, when he saw Rayna, standing on the sidewalk, looking in his direction. Actually, he was sure she wasn't looking at him at all, but then she smiled and waved. For a second he felt like he couldn't breathe and then he forced himself to breathe out and headed her way.

When he was standing in front of her and she was looking up at him, he thought again how pretty she was and how relaxed and happy she looked. He didn't know if that was Teddy or Maddie or both, but it wrenched at his heart to know she wasn't doing this with him. "Hey," she said. "How was the ride?"

He nodded at her. "Smooth." He wanted to tell her it was anything but, that all he'd done was think of her, knowing she was just one bus behind. "I don't need that special space though." Although he liked having it, thought it would be good on an overnight ride. No matter how nice bunks were, they were still bunks and there still wasn't much room to get comfortable. But he didn't need to be treated special.

She looked at him. "Well, it came that way and so I decided, well, _we_ decided, Bucky and me, that it would be for the bandleader." She looked a little nervous, fidgeting with her hands. He waited her out, knowing she had something to say. "So, I was hoping maybe, once we get settled, we could meet for a few minutes to talk about the set list," she said finally.

He frowned. "You don't like it?" He was confused, because they'd gone over it the day before at rehearsal. Although it was always her prerogative to change things. They were doing a lot of numbers which were new for him and he hadn't had as much experience with them, so maybe she had a different idea in her head.

She shook her head. "It's fine. But I might want to tweak it just a little and I wanted to talk to you about that. Do you have some time for me?"

He breathed in and said, "I always got time for you, Rayna." He couldn't help but wonder if this was really about the set list.

She took a step back, still fidgeting with her hands. "Great. Thirty minutes? In the lobby?"

He nodded. "I'll see you then." She smiled then, just a little, and then she turned and walked back towards her bus. He watched her until she got to where her babysitter was waiting with Maddie and then finally turned and got his duffel, which had been placed along the side of the walkway. Then he gathered up his guitar and headed in.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna got Maddie settled into the second bedroom in the suite. One of the nice things about being a bigger star these days was that she got a suite and there was plenty of room for Mia and Maddie. She stood in the bathroom and brushed her hair. She still had the butterflies in her stomach, knowing she was meeting Deacon in a few minutes. She thought about the fact that the set list really didn't need any tinkering with. Deacon, as always, had done a great job mixing it up. He had not lost his touch. She did think she should hold 'This Love Ain't Big Enough' for the final encore song, though. It had been the bestselling single off the album. She knew he particularly liked 'Already Gone', as did she, but she didn't want to end with that.

More than anything though she wanted to tell him how proud she was of him. She didn't think she'd really told him that. This was all going better than she had thought it might and she thought it would be a good idea to let him know that.

She walked back into the other bedroom. Maddie was sitting in the crib and when she saw her mother, she raised her arms up and squealed. Rayna smiled and walked over to pick Maddie up. The little girl gave her a gummy, wet smile and Rayna grinned at her. She bounced Maddie on her hip. "How's my girl?" she cooed. Maddie waved her little arms around and laughed. Rayna kissed her daughter on the cheek. "Mama's gotta do some business, sweet girl," she said. "But Mia's here."

Mia got up from where she was sitting and walked over to take Maddie. "I'll feed her while you're gone and give her a bath, Miss Jaymes," the babysitter said. "Then she'll be ready for you when you come back."

Rayna ran her hand over Maddie's back. "Thanks, Mia," she said warmly. "I've got a meeting and then I'm gonna head over for sound check. Then I'll be back for a bit to see Maddie before I head on for the show." She leaned in and kissed Maddie again. "Bye, sweetie. I'll be back."

She walked over to the door and looked back at her daughter. No matter what the circumstances were that had brought her into this world, Rayna knew she wouldn't trade her for anything. Even if Deacon never knew Maddie was theirs, _she_ would know. Maddie was the most perfect part of the love they had shared.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was waiting in the lobby when Rayna came down. She smiled as she approached him and sat at a ninety degree angle to him on the lobby couch. It felt strange to him to be meeting and talking in a hotel lobby instead of wrapped up in the sheets in bed. He breathed in, trying to get rid of that visual. He waited for her to talk.

She sat right on the edge of the couch, her hands clasped together tightly on her knees. Her eyes flitted away and then back. "So, I like the set list, but I was thinking, on the drive down, why don't we start with 'Already Gone' and finish with 'This Love Ain't Big Enough'? I mean, 'This Love' is the big single off the album and it just feels like we should make 'em wait for it. What do you think?"

He thought about it for a minute. It made sense. 'Already Gone' was probably her biggest hit of the songs they were still doing, but 'This Love' had been huge. He'd wondered if she had written it about him. The words from the chorus – _Pick the coffin, bury this love / Drive a nail in, baby, I'm done_ – justseemed like it was her words to him. But there was no denying it was a powerhouse song. As always, she had good instincts for what worked. He nodded. "I agree. Makes sense," he said. "I'll change it." He cleared his throat. "So you're still okay with the arrangement change on 'Already Gone'?"

"I am. I listened to it several more times on the way down here and I like it more every time I hear it. I mean, I loved it the way we did it originally, but I really like the punch." She smiled. "This is why I needed you back. You make me better." She ran her tongue over her lips and looked down at her hands, then back at him. "I've watched you, Deacon, these last couple weeks. And, um, I'm proud of you. Really proud of what you've done this time."

He didn't really know what to say, so he just nodded.

She started to fidget with her hands and her eyes couldn't seem to settle anywhere. "I, uh, I didn't know how this would go, but I think it's been good so far. Thank you for honoring the deal." She looked at him then and he thought he saw a hint of something, but he couldn't be sure.

He sat forward, his arms resting on his legs. "You put your trust in me, Ray, and I just wanna do right by you. I'm grateful for this chance. I promise not to let you down."

She nodded. The silence lingered and then finally she stood up. "Well, I'm gonna head on over for sound check. I'll see you there." And she turned and walked away.

He sat back and sighed. This wasn't going to be easy, he knew, but he was determined not to let her down. He finally got up and headed in the same direction she had gone.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna always felt a rush of excitement the first night of a tour. This night was no different, but it even felt like the excitement had ratcheted up a notch because, not only was it her first tour since well before Maddie was born, but she was doing it again with Deacon. She never thought that would be the case. She had to admit to herself that it had been surprisingly easy to fall back into a comfortable performing rhythm with him. At times she almost forgot everything that had gone on between them, as she got caught up in a song. Then she would turn to look at him and her heart would beat faster and she'd find herself wondering what if. _What if I'd told him back at the cabin when I went there after I found out I was pregnant? What if knowing he was going to be a father changed everything?_ But she hadn't told him then and now it felt like it was too late.

She had come over to the arena early for sound check, just like she always did. She picked up a bottle of water and then headed out to the mezzanine. She walked to the ramp that led to the nosebleed section and eventually found a spot four rows from the top, halfway in. She sat down and took a sip of water, then sighed. It was bittersweet, doing this alone. How many times had she and Deacon done this, looking down on the stage from the vantage point of people who paid the least amount for tickets and were farthest from the music? It had always been a humbling thing to do, reminding themselves to sing out to the people at the top of the venue.

She smiled a little sadly as she thought of all the times they'd sit up here and make out. Or more. She was startled when she suddenly heard the sound of footsteps. She felt her stomach drop as she waited, swallowing hard when she saw Deacon come up through the entrance to the section she was in. When he saw her, he nodded almost imperceptibly and she felt a sudden chill on her bare arms. He stood looking at her for a moment, then walked into a row on the opposite side of the aisle and several rows down from where she was.

She wanted to say something, but she couldn't find the words. She sat for a few more seconds, then got up and walked out to the aisle. She walked down the steps to the row he was seated in. He looked up and over at her and she returned his gaze. Then she gently tapped the back of the aisle seat and continued down the steps, not looking back.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He should have known she'd still do this. He'd been the one to start it, back when they were opening on George Strait's tour, but then it became a ritual for them, one that meant as much to her as it had to him. So then what were the odds he'd choose the same section. As he sat, he felt like he couldn't breathe, knowing she was so close. He wanted to go sit with her, but he knew he couldn't.

Then too soon he heard her get up and head for the aisle. She stopped when she got to his row and they just looked at each other. In his mind, he thought she wanted to say something, make a move, but couldn't. He knew she had a sense of honor about her. He knew that she would be loyal to her husband, her marriage. That's how she was made. He admired her for that, but it killed him all the same.

As he watched her walk away, he thought about the fact that this was _their_ ritual. It was in their blood, just like everything else about them. He hoped one day they'd be able to share that ritual with each other again.

And maybe more.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna stood still in front of the mirror while her stylist made minor adjustments to her stage outfit. "You sure you don't want to wear the vest?" she asked, as she pulled the belt through the belt loops on Rayna's skirt. The blouse had billowy sleeves, but was cut to fit and flatter her torso. It was dusted with rhinestone dust so that, in the light, it sparkled and gleamed. The bolero vest was more full-on rhinestones and Rayna had decided it was a little too hokey.

Rayna shook her head. "I don't think so." She wrinkled her nose. "Somehow that just seems too 'Hee Haw', you know?" She smiled. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I want to look a little more sophisticated, you know?" She smoothed her hands down over the front of the denim skirt and then down the back, making sure it fit well. She turned slightly so she could see her backside in the mirror. "Can we pull the blouse out just a touch more in back?" she asked.

"Absolutely." The stylist walked around behind her and pulled it up just slightly. She smiled over Rayna's shoulder in the mirror. "I love this belt," she said. "Where did you get it?"

Rayna flushed just slightly. She made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "I've had it forever. Just found it in a thrift store back when I was first starting out." She laughed nervously. "I'm almost surprised it hasn't just fallen apart, but miraculously it's held up." She put her hands on her hips. "Thanks, Leah." The stylist nodded and backed away, leaving Rayna alone in her dressing room.

All she needed to do now was put on the strappy stilettos she was going to wear and she'd be ready. The opening act had finished performing and her roadies were breaking down their set and getting hers ready. She felt the butterflies she always did before a show, but this time it was different. This time she was doing this with Deacon as someone other than her romantic partner. She almost felt like she had a boulder on her chest as she considered that. It would be the same but then not and, now, belatedly, she wasn't sure if she could handle it all.

She looked at herself again in the mirror. She touched the belt buckle and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. She had never really understood why the person who had left it at the thrift store would have given it away. Surely it had some special meaning, just like it now did for her. It was a sturdy belt, built to last, and the part of the belt that laid against her back had been engraved, with stars on each side of the words 'I LOVE YOU'.

 _Back in those days, she and Deacon didn't have much money and bought clothes at thrift stores. They'd actually been there looking for jeans for him. He was in the dressing room, trying on jeans, so she had wandered around the store until she'd spied it in the ladies' section. She slipped it around her waist and found that it fit perfectly. When Deacon came out of the dressing room, she held it up. "I have to have this, babe," she said._

 _He looked at it and smiled. "Yeah, you do," he said, leaning in for a kiss._

She didn't wear it all the time, just those times when she felt like he needed to know. She had lots of other belts, plain and fancy, but this one came out for special occasions, like after a fight or when things had been especially, over-the-top good. She would wear it when she picked him up from rehab and when she would attend one of his special meetings, when he'd get a six-month chip. Which was as far as he'd ever gotten, when they were together. She hadn't worn it in a long time.

She thought about seeing him up in the nosebleeds, their ritual. This was the part of all this that troubled her the most. Everything about this was familiar, it was their routine, and yet they weren't doing it together. It felt bittersweet and it made her wonder, once again, if she was doing the right thing. About all of it.

Suddenly she felt a cold chill run through her and thought maybe she should take the belt off. She didn't want to send the wrong message. She stood there with her fingers on the buckle, debating in her head. Then there was a knock on the door before Bucky opened it and stuck his head in. "We need to get upstairs, Rayna," he said.

She forgot about the belt as she hurried to get into her shoes and followed him out to the sold out arena.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She was wearing the belt. He couldn't help but notice, since he was standing behind her. He had to make himself stop staring at it so he could concentrate on what he was doing. He was surprised she even still had it, much less that she would wear it. It had had personal significance for them and it made him wonder if it still did for her, or if it was just a belt.

He tried, a time or two, to kind of catch her eye when she would look at him, trying to judge what she was thinking, but, as usual, the eye contact was brief and she seemed to be forcing it to be neutral. Whenever they would talk or when they were rehearsing on stage, he'd try to read her eyes. She had said to him once that windows were the eyes to the soul. She always told him that he was such an open book, that everything he was thinking or feeling was in his eyes. She was confident she had mastered the neutral eye and the performance face and, to most, that would be true. But not to him. He could still see into her soul through her eyes. She wasn't able to hide that from him.

She knew it too, so she didn't focus her eyes on him for long these days. She would look at him, then look away. But he could always tell. So when he caught her eyes on stage that night, he could see how conflicted she was. It bolstered him, but it also deflated him, because clearly she was trying to convince him – and herself – that she was where she wanted to be.

He knew that the first show of the tour had an extra sense of excitement for her. Everything was crisp and new, untested, and her adrenaline was always sky high. That was true this time as well. She was on top of her game, he could see, the time away from the stage not having hurt her at all. The crowd was on its feet from the moment she started the show with 'Already Gone', which had been the perfect change. He had mixed up the arrangement to give it a more powerful sound, instead of the ballad-y version she had originally recorded, and it turned out to be a perfect reintroduction for Rayna Jaymes.

He was pumped himself, as she finished off her encore.

 _Pick the coffin, bury this love / Drive a nail in, baby, I'm done / Pick the coffin, bury this love / Drive a nail in, baby, I'm done_

This love ain't big enough for the two of us / Locked 'n' loaded, it's high noon / Make my day, you son of a gun / This love ain't big enough / For the two of us

The crowd roared its approval and she stood at the front of the stage, with her hands held high. When she turned around, he could see the joy all over her face. The joy of performing, the joy of being back, the joy of everything clicking the way it was supposed to. She smiled happily at him and mouthed the words _'thank you'_. She turned one more time to face the adoring crowd and then she walked off the stage.

As he trailed after her, he felt good about the show. Even with less than three weeks prep time, he'd felt good about his contributions. The set list had been tight and well-organized, keeping the crowd on their feet most of the show. The songs were all more high energy, by design, and if the audience missed her slow ballads, it was hard to tell. There was certainly a large chunk of the Rayna Jaymes catalog that would probably never be performed again, except in the privacy of one's home, but hopefully the new music made up for it.

He caught up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "You killed 'em tonight, Ray," he said, leaning in towards her ear.

She turned slightly and smiled at him. "I couldn't have done it without you, Deacon," she said. "Truly, thank you." She moved away from him then and headed down the steps and out onto the ramp to the dressing rooms, without a glance back.


	5. Chapter 5

Rayna was sure he'd seen the belt. She had realized three songs in that she still had it on. Then she had forced herself to forget about it, so she could concentrate on the show.

She had probably had more than the usual number of butterflies before going out onstage that night. Her last tour had ended months before she'd even gotten pregnant. She had fired Deacon and moved out of their house. Tandy had set her up with Teddy and she'd been committed to moving on with her life. That was when she'd written 'This Love Ain't Big Enough' and recorded it as a last second addition to her album. The album had Deacon's fingerprints all over it, as he'd been in the studio during most of the recording and there were several songs on it they had written together.

She had just started planning a tour to support the album when she'd taken that ill-fated ride to the cabin with Deacon that had resulted in her getting pregnant. When she'd gotten back to Nashville, she had sent Coleman to get him, along with the news that he was going back to rehab. She'd been embarrassed at having been fooled into thinking Deacon was okay. For as many years as she'd lived with his deceit and lies and covering up his drinking, she had missed the signs. By the time she'd pulled herself out of her despair, she was pregnant, and the tour was off the table.

The extended time away had been good for her though. She had needed the time away from the spotlight while she was pregnant, as her emotions had been all over the place. Then having the time to bond with Maddie had been amazing. But this was where she belonged. On stage, in the lights, making music and sharing it with her fans. This was what exhilarated her. She had felt a little rusty when they'd started rehearsals and the stress of the rotating lead guitar players had been something she hadn't anticipated. It had worried her, but not as much as when Bucky had suggested bringing Deacon back.

It had turned out, though, that the decision to bring Deacon back had been a good one, professionally at least. He had actually brought everyone back together into a very cohesive unit, working together better than ever. The fact that he was sober, and in control, meant that he was focused and that meant she could relax about a lot of the details. She'd been right when she told Teddy that the chemistry was important. Deacon knew her so well, knew what she liked and how she liked to show on stage. It had been the right decision, but she knew she'd have to guard against letting the chemistry on stage bleed over into her personal life.

When she got to her dressing room, her stylist helped her change into a pair of creamy black leather pants she had fallen in love with the first time she put them on. She added a poet style blouse and the rhinestone covered vest she'd eschewed for the stage. Then she and Bucky headed for the after party at the hotel.

* * *

As they exited the limo, Rayna turned to Bucky. "Buck, I'm gonna run upstairs really quick and peek in on Maddie and then I'll be back down."

Bucky nodded. "Okay, but don't take too long. I understand this is gonna be packed for your first night back on tour," he said.

She waved her hand as she hurried for the elevator. "No worries. She'll be asleep, so it'll be fast." She hit the elevator button and when the doors opened, she stepped inside the empty elevator car. She hit the penthouse floor button and then stood in the corner, her arms crossed over her waist, waiting for the doors to close. Just before they did, a hand slid in and the doors opened back up. She looked up and was a little startled to see Deacon. He looked startled as well, but after a second he got on and the doors started to close again. "Hey," she said, with a tiny smile.

"Hey." He reached out and hit his floor number and stepped back.

She frowned. "Aren't you going to the after party?" she asked.

He shrugged and held out his guitar case. "I don't know," he said. "I gotta put this in my room and, well, there's a lotta drinking at those parties. As you know."

She smiled, nodding at the guitar case. "You could have let the roadies bring that back over." He started to say something and she put her hand up. "I know. It's one of your babies. You don't trust it to anyone."

He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "This is true."

She breathed in. "You should come down though. Just for a little bit anyway. You were a big reason why this was a good night and you should get some of the accolades for that. I'm just running up to check on Maddie and then I'll be there." The elevator chimed as they reached his floor. She put a hand on his arm. "We're still good together, Deacon." He nodded. "I hope I see you there." She dropped her hand and he walked out of the elevator.

She sank back into the corner, breathing in and out to calm her nerves. Being in the small, enclosed area with just him had felt almost overwhelming. She knew she felt…something, standing there with him, and she wondered if he'd felt the same.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He hadn't expected to see her in the elevator. He had thought maybe he'd just head back to his room and he wouldn't be missed. He'd told Rayna the truth – there was always a lot of alcohol at the after parties and, since he'd been back from rehab, he had taken great pains to stay away from events where he could be tempted. He'd always tried not to get really wasted at an after party, back when they were together. He did enough of that everywhere else, but he always tried to be mindful of the fact that the after parties were for her and that if he got out of control, it was a reflection on her.

When her hand had been on his arm, he'd felt like his whole body was on fire. Which was another reason to think long and hard about going to that after party. He knew he was still in love with her. What he didn't know, for sure, were her feelings. In the elevator, it was the first time she'd really looked at him for any real length of time since he'd come back. _We're still good together._ He didn't want to read anything into that, but it was hard not to. And the fact that she'd worn the 'I LOVE YOU' belt. He breathed in, feeling confused.

He slid the key card in the door to his room and walked in. He set down the guitar case and his messenger bag. She was right when she referred to the guitar as one of his babies. It was a Martin that he'd scrimped and saved to buy. It was a beautiful vintage guitar and he lovingly tended to it. He stood in front of the mirror and ran his hands over his face and then shoved them in his pockets. She wanted him to come to the party. Maybe he could for a little while. If it got tough, he'd leave, he promised himself.

His feet felt rooted to the floor, though, and he leaned on the dresser, staring at himself in the mirror, but not seeing. He breathed in slowly, feeling the ache deep in his heart and the wave of sadness and sorrow wash over him. She had been part of him for so long. They'd been part of each other. The connection they'd had really had felt inevitable somehow. _You're my family._ She'd said that to him a hundred times, maybe more, over the years they were together.

He thought back to the early days, when they would talk late into the night, tangled up in the sheets and each other, about everything and nothing. She was the only person who really knew, other than his sister, the pain and fear he'd lived with. She was the only one who really understood his demons, and even then she struggled to reconcile his dark side with the man who loved her. All the times she'd walked away, only to come back in the end. He had never truly believed she'd leave him for good.

She had turned his life upside down from the moment he'd met her. She had burrowed her way into his heart and his soul and now all he felt was pain, as though it were an open wound. For all the times she'd walked away, he'd never truly believed she would do something so permanent, like a line in the sand. The boundaries were emotional as well as physical. He wasn't sure he'd ever really heal from it, felt like he'd died a little inside, when he thought about it. He leaned forward on his hands and looked down.

He breathed in deeply and then looked back up in the mirror. He looked, really looked, at the pain in his eyes and the sorrow on his face and made a promise to himself that he'd never let her know, truly, how devastated he was. He would take this, being in her band, and make it enough. For now. And he would wait.

He breathed in again and then pushed off the dresser. He rubbed his face and then turned, looking for the door key. He spotted it on the edge of the bed and walked over to pick it up, then headed out the door.

* * *

The room was packed. When he got to the door, he looked around and saw no one he knew. The people here were radio people, promotions people, writers for the major entertainment magazines, and VIP's that were there in every city. He remembered how he used to prep Rayna for events like these. Bucky would give them details on who would be attending and he would quiz her on who was going to be there, so that she could chat them up effortlessly. He breathed in, wondering if anyone did that for her now.

"Deacon!" He turned when he heard Bucky's voice. "Glad you could make it." The older man walked over and clapped Deacon on the shoulder. "There's a lot of people here. I'm not even sure where Rayna is."

Deacon smiled a little. "I don't know if I'm gonna stay long, but Rayna said I should come."

Bucky pointed to one side of the room. "Bar's over that way." He looked at Deacon. "Plenty of non-alcoholic beverages. Food against the back wall, if you want something."

Deacon nodded. "Alright then." Bucky walked away and Deacon looked around, hoping he might catch a glimpse of Rayna. When he didn't immediately see her, he walked over to the bar. The bartender leaned towards him. He hesitated only a second before saying, "Club soda with lime, please." He glanced around while he waited, then after getting his drink, he turned back and Rayna was standing right in front of him.

"Hey," she said, smiling shyly. "You did come."

His heart was racing. "Yep, I did," he said, and took a sip of the club soda. He noticed she was eyeing the glass and he said, "Club soda."

She looked back up at him and let out a little laugh. "Yeah, of course," she said. She looked like she was a little uncomfortable but then she smiled. "I'm glad you came. I, uh, I screwed up someone's name and it reminded me about how you used to help me with that."

He smiled. "I was just thinking about that myself. I'm sure it wasn't a big deal though."

She shrugged. "I hope not." She breathed in. "I missed…the help."

The silence between them was awkward and heavy. He could hardly breathe and he wondered if she felt the same. He cleared his throat. "I didn't know you still had that belt," he said, his voice low enough so that only she could hear.

She blushed and looked away for a second. Then she looked back, a wistful look on her face. "Yeah, well, you know, my stylist put it on me before I realized it."

There was another long pause and then he put his drink down on the bar. "You know, I think I'm gonna head back up. It's still a little too soon for these kinda things."

She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. "Yeah, I suppose so." She put her hand on his arm and, again, it felt like an electric charge ran through him. "Thank you again, Deacon. For everything. And I guess I'll see you in the morning before we leave."

He nodded. "Yeah, you will." And then he walked away from her, but he could feel her watching him until he was out of sight.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna paced in front of the window in the living room of her suite. She had stayed longer than she wanted to and drank a little more than she'd planned to and it was late, plus she had to be up early to do local radio interviews. She knew she'd be exhausted but she could sleep on the drive to Charlotte. Plus she couldn't stop thinking about Deacon. Every time she'd closed her eyes, he was there.

She had been glad to see Deacon at the after party, although she'd had a momentary frisson of fear when she saw him standing at the bar. She'd walked over briskly, before he could get away, and was both relieved and a little chastened when she saw that he had a club soda. She knew that technically he wasn't her responsibility anymore, but she felt responsible for him all the same. Just like every other time he'd come out of rehab, she wanted him to be successful. He'd already made it longer than any previous time, so she was encouraged.

She stopped and looked out over the city skyline. This was a long tour. Ninety-five dates, spread out over six months, with time off at the holidays. They'd be back home in time for Maddie's birthday at the end of April. Teddy would be coming out for the weekend, meeting them in Charleston, South Carolina and leaving the day after the show in Columbia. She sighed. Even though she'd told him to come as often as he liked, she hoped he didn't take her up on that. Although she was happy for him to come, it was extra stress when he was around. He always felt at loose ends, just standing on the side of the stage. And the reality was that he didn't really understand her business and he felt out of place.

She knew he'd have his eye on Deacon, which she thought wasn't fair. She didn't want trouble. Teddy was normally an easy-going guy, but she knew he would have a hard time keeping his cool around Deacon. And Deacon was definitely not easy-going and it wouldn't take much from Teddy to set him off, she was afraid. She was already feeling anxious about this.

* * *

Rayna smiled at her makeup artist. "You did a fantastic job," she said.

The makeup artist smiled back, using her brush to smooth light powder over Rayna's face. "No one will ever know you only had four hours of sleep," she said. Her hair stylist rearranged the hair around her face slightly.

Rayna got up from the chair. "Thanks, y'all, I think we got it," she said, with a smile, as she headed out to the living room where Bucky was waiting for her. She took a deep breath. "Okay, let's do this," she said. Then she followed Bucky out of the suite and out to the elevator.

* * *

Luckily the three major country stations in Atlanta were close together, so they hit each one right on time. The deal with radio interviews was a total of fifteen minutes, with part of that taken up by playing 'This Love Ain't Big Enough', then a brief recap of the show and a few softball questions, including how it felt to be back on the road after having a baby. At the last station, one of the DJ's was a woman, who had told Rayna before the segment started that she had a child of her own, so she felt a little more comfortable with her.

"So how is it being out on the road now that you're a mom?" the DJ asked.

Rayna was starting to feel the effects of too little sleep, but she forced herself to stay present and focused. She smiled. "Well, you should probably ask me in a couple weeks," she said, laughing. "But seriously, Maddie is a good baby and she traveled really well, so I'm sure it's going to be fine. I'm just happy to be back out on the road, performing for my fans."

The DJ looked at her closely. "And I see that your former bandleader, and boyfriend, Deacon Claybourne is back. How is that going?"

Rayna was taken a little aback and made a mental note to tell Bucky that Deacon was off limits as far as questions were concerned. She took a tiny breath and smiled. "Well, you know, he's the best guitar player out there. And we're grownups, both moving on with our lives, so it's…well, it's good. All good."

She watched gratefully as Bucky gave the wrap up sign. She stood up and shook hands with both DJ's and then, as she walked out of the studio, she heard the main DJ say "That was Rayna Jaymes, y'all, one of the hottest country females on the scene today. Here's one of her earliest hits. 'No One Will Ever Love You'."

She could hear, throughout the station, the opening guitar riff, and she closed her eyes for just a second, swallowing over the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. She breathed in and looked at Bucky sharply. "Deacon is off limits." Bucky nodded. "And I need to stop in the restroom really quick," she said. She didn't wait for him to answer, as she headed that way. Unfortunately, the radio feed was piped in there as well and she ended up standing in a stall, crying.

She told herself, as she used toilet paper to wipe away the tears, it was because she was tired. That it had nothing to do with the fact that the song was probably the most personal song she and Deacon had ever written together. She had started it while he was in rehab the first time and they had finished it when he got out. Whenever they played the song on stage, everything around them seemed to disappear and they were just pouring their hearts out to each other. She hadn't listened to the song since she'd left him at the cabin without telling him she was pregnant. Even now she felt like her heart was shattering.

 _Why did it have to be this way?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

He stretched out on the bed in his room, reclining against the headboard, his guitar across his lap. He had his notebook out and was jotting down words and phrases that would hopefully make up a song later. He glanced at the clock beside the bed and saw that it was almost midnight. He thought Rayna was probably still at the after party, but then she'd be in a room ten floors above his. She might as well have been a mile above him.

He set the guitar aside and sighed. _Maybe this wasn't the best idea. Maybe I ain't cut out to do this. For her._ He rubbed a hand over his face. He hoped it got easier. Coleman wasn't wrong about it being tough. It would test him, that was for sure.

He thought about her out there on stage. She was completely on her game. Maybe it was because she wasn't having to deal with a drunk every night, wondering if he'd show up, wondering if she'd find him passed out somewhere after a show, trying to find him to get on the bus. He closed his eyes. _She done the right thing. She deserved better than me. Better than having to prop me up all those years._ He hated thinking about her with Teddy, but he was certainly the kind of guy she would have been used to in Belle Meade. He just wished he could have been a better man, someone worthy of her love, someone she didn't have to save.

He thought again about the belt. He remembered when she found it at some cheap place where they'd buy clothes. Back in those early days, when they were just starting out, money was tight. She never complained about not having all the nice things she must have had in her daddy's house, but he didn't like the idea of slumming it any more than they had to. So he made sure they had the best apartment they could afford – in those days, a tiny studio apartment – and food to eat. But they'd had some extra money that week and he needed a new pair of jeans.

 _He walked out of the dressing room and didn't see her immediately. He frowned a little, looking around, and then he spotted her on the other side of the small store. "Ray!" he called out._

 _She looked up and smiled, then ran over, holding something in her hand. When she got closer, he could see it was a belt. She held it up to show him. "I have to have this, babe," she said, breathlessly._

 _It was a plain brown belt except for the fact that, engraved on it, were the words 'I LOVE YOU'. It was just a belt, but he got a warm feeling inside when he looked at it. He looked back at her face, so filled with excitement and joy. It hurt his heart to think that something as simple as this could make her so happy, when she could have had anything money could buy. He swallowed and then smiled back at her. "Yeah, you do," he said, and he leaned in to kiss her._

" _I know we weren't planning on this, but it's just $3, which is ridiculous for something this special," she said. "Thank you."_

 _He had felt a little like he wanted to cry. "It's worth it, if it makes you this happy, baby," he said._

She didn't wear it every day, only for special occasions, she said. She wore it every time she picked him up from rehab. She wore it when they'd had a particularly bad fight and she was ready for it to be over. Sometimes she just wore it because she wanted him to know. And sometimes she wore it because she wanted other people to know she was his. Every time she wore it, though, his heart nearly exploded with love for her, as much because she wanted to proclaim it to the world as that she wanted him to see how she felt.

He sighed. _No sense thinking about it._ He reached for his notebook and looked at the lyrics he'd started working on when he'd first gotten back to his room.

 _Sometimes it feels like I'm so far away / Like everything I love has lost its place / When life gets the best of me, I just close my eyes and see_

 _Fireflies dancing in the yard under the blanket of stars / The sound of their rusty string guitar playing songs we know / And all that I have to do is think one little thought of you / And I'm back home, I'm right back home_

The place he was writing about was the cabin and when Rayna had been there. He wondered sometimes how he'd ever managed to hang on to that place, back when he was still drinking. He hadn't been back there since he'd gotten home from rehab the last time. It was a remote location and it would be too easy to lose his way there, with all the memories. It was hard enough in the bungalow, but the cabin had been the place he'd bought for her.

He closed up his notebook then and set it aside. He got up and got ready for bed. He knew Rayna had some local radio interviews before they headed for Charlotte. The buses, except for hers, would head out early, so he needed to get some sleep. Except it was harder than he'd thought it would be to turn his mind off and stop thinking about Rayna Jaymes and that belt.

* * *

The next morning, he had planned to listen to the radio interviews before they left. Bucky had given him the radio dial numbers and the times of the interviews, but he had overslept and only tuned in in time to hear the last one. The interview started with the DJ playing 'This Love Ain't Big Enough'. It was the album cut, of course, so it was slightly different than the arrangement he'd created for on stage. It was an up tempo number, though, that played well on the radio.

"So, we're joined today, in studio, by Rayna Jaymes, who just kicked off her 'Denim and Rhinestones' tour here in Atlanta last night. Welcome to Y106, Rayna," said the ebullient DJ.

"Thanks for having me," Rayna said. Deacon thought she sounded good. Happy, upbeat, the way she always did.

"You've got a pretty major tour going on, lots of arenas, lots of dates. It's been a while since you've been out on the road too. How's it feel being back in the saddle?"

Deacon had to smile as he listened. Rayna was always great at interviews. Her warmth and genuine kindness always shone through and made people like her. She would be doing radio in almost every market they traveled to, creating buzz for the tour and for her current album. She'd also get a chance to talk up the new album, as they'd be heading into the studio shortly after the end of the tour to start recording.

The interview was wrapping up and the DJ's female sidekick had asked a question about touring with a baby. He laughed softly as Rayna said she'd have to see how it was in a few weeks. But then the DJ asked her a question about him and what it was like being back on the road with her ex. He sat forward as she answered. _Well, you know, he's the best guitar player out there. And we're grownups, both moving on with our lives, so it's…well, it's good. All good._ He put his head in his hands, thinking she had probably been uncomfortable with the question. She'd sounded a little taken off-guard, not as sure of herself as she had with the other questions. And then he heard the familiar opening melody for 'No One Will Ever Love You' and he leaned back on the bed and closed his eyes.

 _Don't you try to tell me someone's waiting / They're not waiting for you / Oh and don't you try to tell me that you're wanted / That you're needed / Cause it's not true / I know why you're lonely / It's time you knew it too / No one will ever love you, no one will ever love you / No one will ever love you like I do_

He could feel his heart breaking all over again.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As soon as she and Bucky got back to the hotel after the radio show run, the buses pulled out, bound for Charlotte. She had thought she'd be able to sleep, but she kept tossing and turning in the artist's suite. Finally she got up and walked down the aisle to the front of the bus. She sat in the seat on the right hand side that gave her a full view out the front windshield. She pulled her legs up underneath her and wrapped her arms around her waist. She focused on the bus in front of them, the one she knew carried the band. And Deacon.

She felt the lump in her throat get bigger and she couldn't control the tears that rolled down her cheeks. All she could think about was how, every time she looked at Maddie, all she saw was him. All she could think about was that the two of them had made her. And that it was the most precious thing to her. She wanted to be able to share that with him and being this close to him made her question everything.

She breathed in and reached up with one hand to wipe her eyes. The two of them already had a connection. She could see it every time Maddie smiled at him, every time his face lit up when he saw her or held her. Then she thought about Teddy and how devastated he would be. It was such an impossible situation. There were no easy answers and no way, really, for it to end well.

She finally got up and walked back down the aisle, stopping to look in on Maddie, fast asleep in her crib. _Oh, my sweet girl, what have we done? All I ever wanted was to protect you and keep you safe, but I don't know if I did the right thing. And if I haven't, will you ever forgive me?_ She reached down and laid her hand gently on Maddie's back for a moment, the conflict inside her twisting her up. Then she turned and walked into her suite, closed the door, laid on the bed, and sobbed into her pillow.


	6. Chapter 6

Rayna was sitting in her chair getting prepped by the glam squad when Teddy arrived at the auditorium in Charleston. This was one of the mid-sized venues on the tour, the kind she'd been in on her last tour. He smiled as he approached. "Sorry, my plane was a little late," he said.

She waved her hand, trying not to move her head much. "It's okay. You're here in plenty of time." She closed her eyes as the makeup stylist ran a brush over her face. Then she tapped Rayna's shoulder to let her know she was done. Rayna opened her eyes and got up from the chair, walking over to Teddy. She tapped her cheek. "Kiss here, for now, so you don't ruin the lipstick," she said teasingly.

He did as she directed and then looked her over appreciatively. She was wearing a mini-dress this time, sleeveless and covered in gold sequins. "You look stunning, babe," he said.

She did a little curtsy. "Thank you." She pulled at the hem a bit. "I hope it won't hike up too much on stage, though. Everything seems like it shifted a little, after having a baby." She winked. Then she took his hand and led him over to the couch in the dressing room. When they were settled, she asked, "Did you stop by the hotel before you came?"

He shook his head. "No, I came straight here, since the flight was late."

She looked at the clock on the wall. "Well, Maddie might have still been up, but I guess you can spend time with her tomorrow."

"How's she doing so far?"

"Good. I think she's gonna be a real tour trouper. She actually slept most of the way from Atlanta to Charlotte and then to wherever it was we went next." She made a face. "I can never remember what city we're in, you know? They tell me right before I go on stage so I don't mess it up."

Teddy smiled and then his face got a little tight. "How is it with Claybourne back?"

She breathed in and bristled just a little. "It's fine, Teddy," she said, a little sharper than she'd meant to. "I told you it was all business. And it is." She got up then and walked back over to the mirror, leaning forward to look at her hair.

Teddy stood up and looked contrite. "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't make a big deal out of it."

She turned and leaned back against the table, crossing her arms in front of her. "Then don't, Teddy. I can tell you that he and I are both properly awkward about it, so he's honoring the boundaries. You just have to stop harping on it."

He frowned. "I'm not harping, Rayna. But you seem kind of sensitive about it."

"Because you're making it a _thing_. Just don't make it a _thing_ , Teddy." She was feeling out of sorts, which she didn't want right before a show. _Why does he annoy me so much?_ She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second. Then she put on her performance face and looked back at him. "I think it's going to be a good show tonight. I know country music isn't exactly your cup of tea, but I appreciate your support, babe. And thanks for coming out." Then she swept out of the room.

* * *

She was pacing back and forth in one of the back hallways. She could hear the muffled sound of the openers but she had needed to get away from Teddy and his sniping. She breathed in and out as she walked. Then suddenly Deacon was in front of her, looking concerned. "Hey," she said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Hey." He looked at her with concern. "You okay?"

"Yes," she said, and turned around. Then she turned back. "Not really. But I will be." She looked at him carefully. "Can I count on you not to do or say anything to Teddy?"

He looked annoyed. "Why would I do that?"

"Well, you might not start it, but if he says or does anything, please just ignore it."

He looked sad then. "I ain't here to cause trouble, Ray. You know that."

She nodded and gave him a half-smile. "I know. But, you know, he's a little out of his element here."

He breathed in and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Okay. There ain't no need for me to say nothing to him anyway." He started to turn to walk away, then turned back. "I'm gonna skip the after party, if that's okay with you."

She knew why he was doing it and she felt grateful. "Okay," she said.

He gave her an encouraging smile, one that sent a heat wave through her body. "So I'll see you up there," he said, and then turned and walked off.

She stood there watching him leave, wondering if she'd made the right choice. She couldn't completely shake the thought that it wasn't the decision to hire him, but the decision to deny him that was what really troubled her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He could see Teddy in his peripheral vision, standing on the side stage, clapping his hands to the beat and looking alternately uncomfortable and defiant. Rayna had said he was out of his element and Deacon smiled a little and shook his head as he considered that. He never had understood what Rayna saw in Teddy Conrad. He didn't know him, of course, but he knew about him. He'd followed them once, back when Rayna had started dating him, just to see what Teddy looked like. He had wanted to go over and punch him out, but he'd known that if he had, Rayna would have been furious.

Rayna had broken up with him more times than he could count. Usually it was after a particularly nasty drinking binge or when he'd miss a show or end up in jail. She'd bail him out or drag him home or read him the riot act and then she'd walk out, tell him they were through. Sometimes he'd beg her to come back. Other times he'd tell her not to come back. But she always would. She'd stay gone a night or two and then he'd come home and she'd be in the kitchen. Or maybe she'd be waiting for him outside the front door to their apartment. Or she'd show up at the bar they liked to frequent and order a shot of whiskey, waiting for him to approach her.

Sometimes she would cry, sometimes she'd just kiss him and give him that look he could never turn down, but they would always end up in bed, professing their love over and over again. She would beg him to do better, and he would promise he would, and things would go on until the next binge or no-show.

But that last time had been different. After his friend Vince had been killed, he'd gone on a five day drinking binge. He had no idea where he'd been or what he'd been doing or how much he'd been drinking. But he'd come home to find her things gone and a note that said she was gone for good. He'd tracked her down at the studio, where she'd also fired him, even though he'd told her over and over again how sorry he was. But she had stood firm this time and he'd felt desperate.

He had followed her to the apartment she had moved into and it had ended with him breaking just about every piece of furniture she owned, as she cowered in the hall. As he stood in the middle of the tiny living room, watching her cry, he knew he'd screwed up the best thing in his life. Probably for good. There was an article in a magazine about how she was seeing a new guy, who he found out later was Teddy Conrad.

He still didn't understand what she saw in him. Teddy looked like one of those buttoned-down pricks, the guy who looked down at everyone else and thought he was smarter than everyone in the room. He looked like the kind of guy who'd wear an undershirt under his nicely ironed dress shirt and would polish his loafers every day. He was clean cut, very vanilla.

Rayna deserved the best, of course, deserved better than him. She was born to wealth and privilege, even though she turned away from that. She had never once acted like she was too good for the rundown apartments they lived in or needed something more than canned spaghetti-o's. She was happy and she was doing what she loved, chasing her dream. He just didn't see how Teddy Conrad would support her dream the same way.

The toughest thing to swallow was the visual of Rayna in bed with someone like Teddy. Someone who probably had to have silky sheets on the bed and would want sex in only the most vanilla way. One thing was true about Rayna Jaymes and that was that she was a spitfire in bed as well as out. She would completely lose her inhibitions with him and he just couldn't picture that with Teddy.

Teddy didn't speak to him at all and that was fine with him. He watched as Teddy put his arm around Rayna's waist and kissed her and he had to turn away. When the show was over, he'd watched them walk off holding hands, but he was sure that it wasn't his imagination that she had her performance face on as they headed for the after party.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Teddy had gone to a handful of after parties, always in Nashville. He was generally an asset, since he was comfortable talking to people, but she'd had to tutor him on what to say. He knew nothing about radio or promotions and she had taught him not to talk about anything other than non-business things. She knew he wanted to be helpful, but she didn't need him to, as he'd done early on, talk about why a radio station needed to play her songs. He would say innocuous things like "she's got a great voice" or "she's a really good songwriter". He couldn't talk about which songs would make the most impact or which ones had the best sales potential, because he didn't know anything about the music business.

It annoyed her sometimes that he didn't make more of an effort, but then she'd remind herself she knew nothing about accounting either and didn't try. When she stepped back and thought about the two of them objectively, she realized their conversations were mostly about Maddie or about her father or Tandy. They might talk about food for the week or where to go out to dinner or something happening locally, but she couldn't talk to him about the things she really wanted to discuss, like whether she needed a bridge or a tag, whether the visual she was trying to create through words was working, and when there needed to be a harmony. He didn't understand set lists or song arrangements or scratch tracks or the kind of ear buds she liked.

It had occurred to her once that she had the kind of marriage her parents had had. Of course, she'd been twelve when her mother died, so her understanding of what their marriage was like was rather unformed. But she knew her mother loved music and she liked to play the guitar, although she was not a songwriter or singer. She just enjoyed listening to music and singing with her girls. She liked all kinds of music and one of her favorite activities was going to the symphony. But she also knew, because Tandy had told her, that sometimes her mother would go to the honky tonks down on Broadway, when the girls were in school, and listen to artists trying to make it in Nashville.

Her father was a businessman, like Teddy. He owned his own company, but he still worked hard. As a kid, she had not really understood what was going on with her parents, but she'd come to realize that they were living different lives, unable to mesh the two together. They argued – a lot – and it was then that Virginia would go downtown, looking for something else in her life. After her mother died, Lamar started traveling more and became more distant. It was then that he started to forbid her from performing and writing, particularly country music, which was her passion. She wondered sometimes if she and Teddy would become like her own parents – distant and constantly arguing because they had nothing in common.

She could see in Teddy's face that he was getting bored with the business talk, so she pulled him off to the side. "If you want to go on up to the room, babe, you can," she said. "I know this is so boring for you."

He hesitated. "You wouldn't mind?" he asked, finally.

She shook her head. "Not at all. Plus I know it's been a long day for you." She handed him the room key. "I might be here another hour or so, so don't feel like you have to wait up."

He smiled. "I'll wait up. I haven't seen you in a week."

She leaned in and kissed him. "I'll see you later then," she said and watched him walk away.

* * *

She ended up leaving the after party fifteen minutes later. There were very few people left and she made her escape. She wasn't quite ready to go up to her room, so she walked out to the pool. It was dark, with just a few perimeter lights on and the underwater pool lights casting an aqua blue glow. She sat on one of the lounge chairs and breathed out. It always took a while to wind down from a show and having an after party just extended that time. She knew Teddy would want to talk, so she wanted a little bit of silence first.

"You skip out early?"

She was startled by the sound of Deacon's voice behind her. She sat up as he walked around and sat down on the chair next to her. "Uh, no," she said, her heart still fluttering. "It ended kind of early. I guess people in Charleston aren't late night people." She sat back and kept her gaze out towards the pool.

"Where's Teddy?"

"He went up earlier. These kinds of industry things aren't really his thing."

There was a pause and then he said, "Huh. He ain't into country music and he ain't much of a schmoozer. So why's he out here?"

She bristled at the sound of his challenge. "He's supporting me, Deacon. Like a husband does," she snapped. He didn't respond. "So, I know this whole thing is kind of awkward. Maybe we just don't talk about Teddy."

"Fine by me."

She sighed and then swung her legs around and got up. She looked down at him. "You know, things have gone pretty well, I thought, up to now. Let's just keep this professional and I think we'll be fine."

He looked up at her and then smirked. "You're the boss, Ray," he said.

She scowled. "That's right, I am," she said firmly and then she walked back towards the hotel.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Teddy didn't show up for the concert in Columbia. Deacon knew he shouldn't say anything, but he couldn't help it. "Teddy a no show?" he asked as he walked up on Rayna standing on the side stage waiting to go on.

Her back stiffened, but then she turned to face him. "He's sick," she said.

He let a smile play on his lips. "Really."

She rolled her eyes. "Turns out he gets carsick on buses." Then she scowled at him. "We're not talking about this."

He raised up his hands. "Okay, boss," he said.

She glared at him, but then Bucky gave the signal for them to go on stage and she turned on her performance face and walked confidently out on stage to face the cheering audience. He smiled to himself, thinking that Teddy Conrad wouldn't be coming out on tour anymore.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She didn't have time to let herself get pissed about Deacon needling her about Teddy. She had to get out on stage and give a great show. So she forced herself to put that aside as she walked out on stage and raised her hands to wave to the crowd. Then she lifted her left leg at the knee and started to stomp out a beat until the band started to play and then she threw herself into her opening number 'Stompin' Ground'.

 _Rollin' in / Ready or not / Waitin' on a parking spot / This night is looking so familiar…._

* * *

When the show was over, she lifted her arms and waved to the crowd, then turned to walk off the stage, pulling out her ear buds. Bucky was waiting at the steps. "Great show, Rayna," he said.

"Thanks, Buck," she said, with a smile.

"So, no after party tonight, but we do have radio in the morning."

She sighed. "Starting when?"

Bucky grinned. "You're in luck. Seven forty-five. And you can do them all over the phone."

"Seriously?" she said, smiling.

"Yep. You could hold Maddie in your lap while you talk, if you want."

She laughed. "I think that would probably be a very bad idea. But good news on the phone set up."

"I've got a room booked downstairs at the hotel for you to do that and then we'll hit the road for Miami." He put a hand on her back. "How's Teddy?"

She sighed. "When I left him, he was sprawled out on the bed with a cold washcloth on his face. I'm pretty sure he'll never ride a bus again."

Bucky shook his head with a rueful smile. "That's tough. So, change of subject. What time do you want to get together in the morning with Deacon for a post-mortem on the week?"

When he mentioned Deacon's name, she felt her stomach turn over. She took a deep breath. "You know what, Buck? I think you can handle that without me. I'm just kind of not in the right frame of mind to deal with that right now. Okay?"

He frowned. "But…."

She looked at him sharply. "Bucky, just no. You know me as well as anyone and you can speak for me. Or just leave it for now. But I can't deal with Deacon right now, okay?" And then she stalked off, without waiting for a response.

* * *

When she got upstairs, Teddy was asleep, even though the light was still on beside the bed. She thought he still looked pale and his face had a pinched look to it. As she turned out the light, she thought about how sick he'd been, almost from the moment they'd pulled out of Charleston. He'd been in the bathroom almost the entire two hours they were on the road. As bad as she'd felt for him, it did solve the problem of having to deal with the weird competition that seemed to exist between him and Deacon. She went over to her suitcase and pulled out a pair of pajamas and went into the bathroom to change.

When she came out, she looked at Teddy one last time and then walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her. She peeked into the other bedroom and saw that Mia was reading in bed. She smiled and wiggled her fingers in a wave and then leaned over the crib to check on Maddie. Her daughter was sound asleep and she barely touched her as she ran her fingers lightly over Maddie's back. Then she straightened up, smiled again at Mia, and left the room.

She curled up on the couch, hugging a pillow. She wondered if it had been worth it to bring Deacon back into her band. It kept stirring up feelings she was having to tamp down. Every time she thought about his proximity to Maddie, she worried that he would somehow figure things out. It was a slippery slope, she knew. Plus it stirred up things with Teddy, things she didn't really want to have to deal with. She didn't want to have to explain, every time, that her relationship with Deacon was business. Especially when she was having all kinds of complicated feelings about that.

She sighed and slid down on the couch, pulling the throw over herself, and finally fell into a fitful sleep.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When Deacon walked into the hotel restaurant he saw Bucky and walked over to the table. Bucky looked up and smiled. "Morning," he said.

"Morning," Deacon replied, sitting across from him. He noticed there were only two place settings. "Rayna not coming?" he asked, with a frown.

Bucky shook his head. "No. She's got radio this morning and, well, you know Teddy wasn't feeling well. So she asked me to cover for her."

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Oh. Okay." He looked up as the server brought over coffee and then took their orders. When she left, Deacon looked back at Bucky. "So what do we need to talk about?"

Bucky looked at him and then sighed. "I'm just gonna say this, Deacon. You have to know how difficult it was for Rayna to make the decision to ask you to come back." Deacon looked down at his coffee. "When everything went down, that last time, I've never seen her so, I don't know, just depleted. She was a wreck, Deacon, almost a shadow of herself."

Deacon looked up and frowned. "Seems to me she moved on pretty okay."

Bucky shook his head. "You have no idea how hard it was for her. You might think it was easy to just step out of one life and into another, but it really wasn't. But she made a conscious choice to change the narrative, change the song, if you will. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without a whole lot of soul-searching, but she got through it and she really needs you to respect that."

Deacon swallowed over the lump in his throat. "I got it, Buck," he said, mulishly. "I heard her loud and clear and she done nothing but remind me of it ever since I got back."

"Yeah, but something isn't clicking and, from her perspective, that's on you. Now whether that's completely true or not, I can't say, but she's my priority and I need you to stop whatever it is you're doing that's got her not wanting to deal with you. You're her bandleader. You're the closest person to her on stage, literally and figuratively. She has to be able to depend on you and you can't let her down." He sighed. "And right now, quite honestly, I think she's wondering whether she made the right decision."

Deacon lowered his head. He knew he was pushing the boundaries and he knew he needed to stop. It was exactly what Cole had warned him about. It was exactly what he had said he could deal with, but clearly he wasn't. He truly didn't want to lose her in his life, now that he had her back, no matter what form that took. He looked back at Bucky, feeling contrite. "I get it," he said. "I'll back off. Just do my job, best I can."

Bucky nodded. "Good. Because neither one of us wants this to go south. We both feel like you make her better on stage. That's the reason we made the decision to ask you back. The set lists are tight, the arrangements are top notch, it's exactly what she needed. Don't screw this up, Deacon."

Just then their food came and Deacon looked at his plate. Then he looked back at Bucky. "I won't screw it up," he said. He pushed the plate back. "I ain't really hungry. I'll see you on the bus." And he got up from the table and walked out.


	7. Chapter 7

They were in New York City in early December, doing part of the northeastern leg of the tour. Rayna was booked for two nights at the Beacon Theater, a place she loved. And one of her favorite things to do in New York was eat good Chinese food. She wasn't sure what made it different in New York, but it always seemed to be the best. She got the name of a place nearby from the concierge before she went upstairs to see Maddie.

When she came back down, she saw Deacon sitting in the lobby by himself. Ever since their testy conversation in Charleston, things had improved between them. Bucky told her he'd had a little come to Jesus with Deacon and she supposed that had helped. She almost continued out of the hotel, but then she walked over to where he was sitting. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," he said, looking up at her.

"You waiting for someone?" she asked.

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "Just needed to get out of the room."

She stood there for a moment, tapping her heel. "Um, I'm on my way out to get Chinese food. Wanna come with me?" she asked. She had surprised herself by extending the invitation, but she wanted to get things on a more even keel between them.

He raised his eyebrows. "You sure?"

She nodded and smiled. "You always liked good Chinese food, as I recall," she said. When they got tired of spaghetti-o's and canned soup, they'd splurge on Chinese food, eating it straight from the takeout containers.

He nodded and smiled. "You're right about that," he said and stood up. "You know a place?"

"Yes, I do. Or at least the concierge does. Let's go."

They walked out of the hotel lobby and then turned right, following the concierge's directions. They walked side-by-side, but not quite close enough to touch. They walked a ways in silence, not an uncomfortable silence, but a companionable one. Finally she turned to look up at him. "You enjoying the tour?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's been good." He breathed in. "And I been going to meetings every day, just so you know."

She smiled. "I'm glad." They walked a little further. "You seem good, Deacon. I'm really glad to see it. I'm really proud of how you're doing."

"I'll be honest, it's hard sometimes."

She reached out and rubbed his arm. "But you're doing it. And you're succeeding. It's all I ever wanted." She hesitated a moment, then added, "For you." He took a deep breath and looked at her and she felt little zingers running through her. Then she spotted the place the concierge had suggested and breathed a little sigh of relief. "Here it is," she said, gesturing towards it, and they made their way inside.

As they ate, she felt herself relax into the conversation with Deacon. It was something she felt like they'd lost and, while they still talked about mostly superficial things, like the tour and the set lists, they also reminisced some about the old days, although they stayed away from more intimate memories.

"I do remember that horrible motel we had to stay in on that little Midwest tour Bucky set up for us," she said, laughing.

He smiled. "You mean the one with that weird stain on the wall?"

She opened her eyes wide. "Oh, yes. I was scared to even walk close to it. Gosh. You know, I heard about how awful hotels and motels can be. There was this news story where they took a black light and ran it over everything in the room and, oh, Deacon, it was so disgusting. I thought about that stain and I wondered if a man had, you know…." She made a face.

He grinned. "Pee'd on the wall?"

She felt herself blush. "Yes. That." She gasped and lifted her hands to her face. "Or worse." She shuddered. "Oh, and the sheets." She made a face. "Now you know why I always wore pajamas."

He smirked. "I just thought that was to make getting to the prize a little harder." The smile faded from her face and she looked off to the side. "I'm sorry, Ray," he said. "It's just…."

She waved him off. "I know." She looked back at him then. "It's hard when we just have all that history." She focused on her food for a few minutes and she could tell he was feeling awkward and embarrassed. Finally she looked up at him. "Do you have plans for the holidays?" she asked, choosing a topic she hoped wouldn't get them sidetracked. When they went home to Nashville in two weeks, they'd be off for a month, wrapped around Christmas and New Year's.

He shook his head. "Nah, not really. I might go down to Natchez, see Scarlett."

She nodded. "That would be nice. How old is Scarlett now?"

"She just turned eleven."

She smiled as she thought about Deacon's niece. "Wow. I can't believe she's already eleven. I remember when she was just a baby." She looked at him. "Do you remember that? I remember going down there to see her when she was just born." She laughed softly. "You were so scared to hold her. You thought she'd break."

He smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, that's true. Babies still scare me a little." He looked at her then and she looked away. She could hear him breathing and then he said, "So this is Maddie's first Christmas, right? Big deal then, huh?"

She shrugged. "She's a baby. She won't know. I mean, she'll laugh at the lights and she'll love all her presents, but she's too young really. It'll be more for Teddy and me."

He breathed in and nodded. "Right."

She bit her lip. "I think I might try to write a little bit. It's been a while."

"You should. You write gorgeous lyrics, Ray."

She smiled. "Well, I try. It's harder writing by myself, I have to admit."

"You wrote a couple good songs for your last album."

"Yeah, but you know, those were kind of, I guess, songs to get all that I don't know what out."

He breathed in. "You can say it. You were unloading on me."

She shook her head. "That's not completely true."

"Sure it is, Ray. I get it though. So don't feel bad." He shrugged, as if to say it wasn't a big deal.

She smiled at him, grateful to him for letting her off the hook. "Thanks for coming back, Deacon."

He smiled back at her. "Thanks for asking me."

* * *

Late that night, after the show and the after party, she was back in her suite. She'd checked in on Maddie and then put on her pajamas, after she had put on lotion, like she did every night. As she slid into bed, she thought about the fact that she still always wore pajamas when she slept in a hotel bed, no matter how nice the hotel. She lay there in the dark, her mind still busy as she thought back through the show. Finally she fell asleep and dreamed about Deacon sliding her pajama bottoms down over her ass, his breath hot on the back of her neck, as he whispered in her ear that he was going for the prize.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As they pulled into Sound Check to start the holiday break, Deacon got his duffel out of the back bedroom. He was looking forward to the break, but he would miss the tour. Things seemed a little less tense between him and Rayna and he found himself wondering if the break would mess with that. As he walked down the bus steps, he saw her bus and then he saw Teddy get out of his car. He didn't know why he hadn't expected Teddy to come pick her up, but it deflated him somehow.

He waited by the cargo hold for all the instruments to be pulled off. He had brought six guitars with him, so it would take a few trips to get everything to his truck. He took two guitars and loaded them into the back of his truck. As he walked back to the bus, he saw Teddy come down the bus steps with Maddie in his arms. Mia followed him, with Maddie's bags. Then, just as he got to the cargo hold, he saw Rayna come down the steps. She looked over towards Teddy as he was heading for the car and seemed to hesitate for a moment. Then she turned towards the band bus.

He quickly grabbed two more guitars and asked one of the roadies to get the other two. They headed for Deacon's truck and then he realized he'd left his duffle. As he headed back, he noticed that Rayna was talking to each of the band members, and giving them all hugs, and then she turned to wait for him to approach. He slowed his steps a little, but he could see he wasn't going to be able to avoid her. She lifted a hand to shade her eyes from the sun. "Hey," she said.

He stopped in front of her. "Hey."

She tapped her toe on the asphalt. "So, I wanted to wish you a good holiday," she said.

"Thanks. Same to you."

He expected her to turn and leave, but she didn't. She bit her lip. "So, you going to Mississippi? Like you said?"

He shrugged. "Probably. Just for a couple days though." He gave her a small smile. "You know how me and Beverly are kinda like oil and water."

She grinned. "Yeah, I remember that." She sighed then. "But she's all you have…." Her voice trailed off and he was reminded of all the times they'd talked about their unhappy childhoods.

"It don't matter, Rayna. It ain't a big deal." But it was, and she knew it. She had made Christmas a special time when they were together and she knew what that had meant. "Anyway, it's Scarlett I'm really going to see."

She shifted from one foot to the other. He glanced over her shoulder and saw Teddy standing by the car, looking annoyed. "We should, uh, get together after New Year's. Talk about the next leg of the tour. Maybe play with the set list a little."

He didn't understand this. It was like she somehow wanted things both ways, to be Teddy Conrad's wife and the mother of their daughter and also have something with him, although he wasn't quite sure what that something was. Or if she even knew what it was. This proximity on the tour was starting to mess with the vibe between them and he just didn't want to get it wrong. "Set list is fine, Rayna. We don't need to play with it," he said finally.

He thought he saw a little pleading look to her eyes. "Just say you'll do it, Deacon, okay?" she persisted.

He shrugged. "Okay." He nodded towards Teddy. "I think your…Teddy's waiting."

She glanced over her shoulder, then back at him. "Yeah, I guess." She sighed. "Have a good break, Deacon." Before he realized what she was doing, she'd stepped forward and hugged him. He could see Teddy frown, even from where he stood, and he hugged Rayna back. Then she stepped back and looked up at him. "I'll call you." She turned and headed for her family, leaving him to watch and wonder what that was about.

* * *

The drive to Natchez was long. He didn't mind it, since it got him away from phones and newspapers and other distractions, at least for the eight hours. He'd always been a loner, never felt comfortable in crowds or talking to people. He had a small group of friends, mostly other musicians. And for eleven years, there was Rayna. He had fallen in love with the perky redhead almost from the moment he'd laid eyes on her. He didn't meet her then – that came weeks later – but she had stayed on his mind, to the dismay of the girl he was dating at the time, whose name escaped him now.

When he found out who she was, or more accurately, where she came from, he was surprised she gave him the time of day. Someone like Rayna Wyatt, later to be Jaymes, could do so much better than the son of a violent alcoholic, who might be one himself. But she got him to drive her home from a party one night and had leaned in for a kiss and he was done. She was a girl back then, an innocent sixteen year old with the lush body of a woman and the voice of an angel. She was good, even then, and was going to be great, it was easy to tell.

He'd often wondered what would have happened to the two of them had Lamar Wyatt not kicked her out of the house for following her dream against his wishes. Lamar had told her she could live in his house as long as she played by his rules. But that wasn't Rayna, which was one of the things he'd loved about her. When she'd showed up at his door, it changed their whole relationship. Against his better judgment, he had let her talk him into laying down with her in his bed. At first he'd just held her, while she cried, shaking with both fury and fear. She finally fell asleep and he laid there awake, just watching her.

Sometime in the night, he'd fallen asleep himself, only to awaken when she turned in his arms and started to kiss him. It didn't take long before she let him undress her. Even then, he had just held her for a while, feeling her warm, soft skin against his. But with her lips against his, she had whispered, "Make love to me, Deacon" and he did, slowly and carefully at first, and then more urgently, and then after the first time, there was a second shortly thereafter.

He had known in that moment that he was home and she had told him then that he was her family. And that had remained so until, eleven years later, so beaten down and weary from fighting his demons with him, she'd told him she'd had enough. That she couldn't do it any more, couldn't bear it anymore, couldn't be there if he lost his battle.

It hadn't actually happened after a fight. That might have made it easier. If it had been one of their epic fights, that resulted in slamming doors and her packing a suitcase and storming out, maybe she would have come back. But it happened after she'd sat next to him and cried, told him she couldn't do it anymore, couldn't put herself through the pain anymore, couldn't make him do what he seemed incapable of doing. She had cried and kissed him and told him she was sorry. And then she was gone. And a day or two later, so were all of her things. And he was alone.

And then he'd gotten so drunk that he couldn't remember the next two days.

* * *

When he got to Beverly's house in Natchez, it was dark. He pulled into the driveway of the little duplex she and Scarlett lived in and just sat. He breathed out, not really looking forward to seeing his sister. They had been thick as thieves growing up, only having each other to rely on. But he'd left for Nashville when he was eighteen and she'd stayed behind and blamed him for everything since then. He loved his niece though and he just wanted to protect her, so he kept coming back, and sending money. Their parents were long gone, but the scars they'd left had never really healed and their demons had followed them both like hellhounds on their trail.

Just then the outside light came on and the front door opened. His little blonde-haired niece barreled out of the house and he opened the truck door, a genuinely happy smile on his face. "Uncle Deacon!" she squealed as she raced to the open door. He got out and lifted her up, swinging her around. "I'm so glad you're here!"

He set her down and pulled her in for a hug. "Me too, sweet girl," he said. "How you been?"

She looked up at him, a happy smile crossing her face. "Been good. Mama's back home, so it's been good."

A shadow crossed his face. Beverly had been struggling for years with alternating bouts of depression and periods of over-the-top highs. It hadn't been until after Scarlett was born that she'd finally been diagnosed as manic-depressive. She blamed their parents and Deacon wasn't so sure she was wrong. He recognized some of Beverly's behavior mimicking their mother's and often wondered if that had been what had prevented their mother from protecting him and his sister all those years. Rose Claybourne had loved her children, but had never been a match for her alcoholic husband. He'd made sure, though, that Beverly got the treatment Rose never had, and he knew Beverly had recently come back from another stay at the inpatient facility.

"How long you stayin', Uncle Deacon?" Scarlett asked then, her pretty little face still turned up to his.

He looked down at her and smiled. She was the best thing in his life right now and he loved her fiercely. "Couple a days, baby," he said. "I got a lot going on." Which was a lie, of course, but he knew he wouldn't be able to handle more than a couple days of Beverly.

She grabbed his hand and started pulling him towards the house. "Well, it ain't long enough, but at least you'll be here on Christmas!" she cried excitedly. All he could do was laugh at her enthusiasm as she pulled him up the steps and opened the door. "Mama!" she yelled. "Uncle Deacon's here!"

* * *

It had taken every ounce of determination he had to stay through Christmas. He and Beverly had knocked heads almost from the moment he'd walked through the door. If he hadn't known she'd just come back from the place she always referred to as 'The Farm', he would have sworn she needed to go. He'd asked her, at one point, if she was off her meds, and she'd slapped the fire out of him. If it hadn't been for Scarlett, he wouldn't have stayed even one night.

 _Beverly picked a fight as soon as he got there. "I hope you aren't expecting me to fix you dinner," she said, a sneer on her face. "I mean, you get here at eight o'clock and it's long past dinner time."_

 _He shook his head, trying to stay calm. "No worries, Bev. I can make a sandwich or something." He headed for the kitchen and she chased after him._

" _Don't you dare! That's for Scarlett. If you just have to have something, there's a little leftover casserole."_

 _He shrugged. "Okay, that works." He opened the fridge and found the small container with a small amount of tuna casserole left. Not his favorite and not much of a meal, but at this point he didn't want to push her buttons. He put it in the microwave and heated it, Beverly tapping her foot on the floor the entire time. He turned to her. "I can feed myself. You don't need to wait."_

 _She made a face. "I'll do whatever I damn well please."_

 _Scarlett came in the kitchen just then. "Uncle Deacon, come out here when you heat that up," she said, all smiles._

 _Beverly swung around and glared at her daughter. "He will NOT eat in my living room. Not when I've just cleaned it up. What's the matter with you, girl? You know no one eats in the living room!"_

 _The smile vanished from Scarlett's face. "Sorry," she mumbled and ran out._

 _He rolled his eyes. "Damn it, Beverly, do you have to yell at her?"_

 _She glared at him. "Don't you tell me how to take care of my child. Not like you have any experience with that, do you now?" She raised her eyebrows. "Speaking of children, I hear Miss Rayna Jaymes has a daughter now." She eyed him carefully._

 _He shrugged. "Yeah, she does."_

 _His sister sighed. "I don't even understand why you're in her band again. Are you just a glutton for punishment?"_

 _He took the heated casserole and sat at the little kitchen table, his appetite mostly gone. "It's a job, Beverly," he said, shoving a bite in his mouth._

" _Oh, I'm thinking you were hoping she might just jump right back in your bed, am I right?" Her eyes had a nasty glint to them._

 _He looked at her evenly. "No, you're not. She's married. Ain't nothing happening between the two of us."_

" _I just don't understand you. You just get out of rehab for, what, the fifth time? And you just go right back to the person who makes you drink in the first place."_

 _He pushed the chair back as he stood up, closing the space between himself and Beverly in two steps. He was right in her face when he said, "She ain't the one who made me drink and you know that. And don't you never talk about her that way again. You got it?"_

 _Beverly didn't back down. "I don't know why you'd want to go back and work for her." She smirked. "Except for the fact that you've still got a thing for her."_

 _He leaned close to her. "Shut up, Beverly," he said, his voice low and menacing. "Just shut up."_

He felt his jaw clench just thinking about it. He hated the fact that Scarlett had to deal with that. He had waited until just before he left to give Scarlett her Christmas presents. She'd been thrilled with the Walkman and Rayna's last CD, along with some guitar picks from her tour and a tour poster. He knew Scarlett idolized Rayna. He opened the CD for Scarlett to show her that Rayna had signed it for her and she had hugged his neck so hard then. He had whispered to her to hide the gifts, because he wasn't so sure Beverly wouldn't find them and throw them away. His heart broke when Scarlett begged him not to leave, but he couldn't stay another minute, so he'd left his sulking sister and crying niece and headed back to Nashville.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna was already exhausted and it wasn't even noon. Maddie was teething and irritable and she was fighting Rayna trying to dress her. Her pediatrician had suggested a chilled teething ring, but Maddie kept throwing it on the floor. She was struggling to get her daughter's Christmas dress on and finally Maddie burst into tears and Rayna very nearly did also. She lifted the baby onto her shoulder and tried soothing her. "Hey, sweet girl, it's okay," she murmured in Maddie's ear. She tried rubbing her finger over Maddie's gums, but the little girl just bit down hard and Rayna cried out in pain.

Teddy came to the door. "What's going on?" he asked.

Rayna looked at him with tears in her own eyes. "We're having a really bad day," she said sadly. She sighed. "Maybe we shouldn't go to Daddy's."

Teddy frowned. "We have to. He's looking forward to it."

Rayna had to fight to not roll her eyes. She didn't really understand Teddy's fascination with Lamar and his constant attempts to suck up to her father. She hated the holidays at her father's house, those trumped up affairs meant to show off and be condescending. And even now, after she'd married a 'suitable young man' like Teddy, her father still found it necessary to needle her about her career. "Well, I can't get her to stop fighting me long enough to get her dressed, so I don't know what we're going to do about that," she said.

"Let me try," he said, taking Maddie from her arms. He rubbed Maddie's back and made little soothing sounds and, to Rayna's annoyance, got the little girl to calm down, although she was still sniffling and had her fingers in her mouth. Teddy smiled at her. "Sometimes it just takes Daddy, I guess," he said, with what Rayna would have sworn was smugness.

She had her hands on her hips and she just shook her head. "Well, then, you can get her dressed and I guess I'll get myself dressed." And she stormed out of the room.

* * *

Maddie was still fussy when they got to her father's house, but Rayna decided to let Teddy handle it. Christmas dinner was in an hour, but she had no patience for the chit chat in the sunroom. She wandered into her father's den and poured herself a whiskey on the rocks. She stood over by the window, looking but not seeing anything outside. It was one of the ultimate tests of her life to get through a command performance at her father's. She found herself thinking back to when Deacon was the one accompanying her to these events. Deacon, whom Lamar found distasteful in every sense of the word, who took his own perverse pleasure in tweaking Rayna's father. Whether it was drinking a little too much, the one thing Rayna didn't find amusing, nibbling on her ear at the dining room table under Lamar's angry glare, or walking up and putting a hand on her ass in full view of everyone, Deacon was always trying to get Lamar's goat.

She took another sip of her whiskey, then held the cool glass against her cheek. She smiled to herself as she remembered the time – was it Thanksgiving or Christmas? – when they both had had just a little too much to drink and Deacon had gotten a little handsy with her during the after-dinner gathering in the den. She had giggled a little too much and gotten some angry stares from her father, but she'd ignored them. Especially when Deacon whispered something incredibly raunchy and suggestive in her ear. She had gasped and then, taking his hand, led him down the hall to the powder room where, after making sure the door was securely locked, spread her legs for him as she gripped the pedestal sink.

She blushed a little as she remembered the two of them tumbling out of the bathroom, laughing and kissing, their hands all over each other. She had looked up and saw Tandy at the end of the hall with a disapproving glare. She had taken Deacon's hand then and pulled him in the other direction, walking into the den long enough to tell her father they would not be staying for pie after all, and leaving before he could stop them. As she recalled, they'd driven back home and spent the rest of the day in bed.

She realized then that she was a little bit turned on and she took a deep breath and another sip of her whiskey.

"Rayna?" She turned at the sound of her name and smiled when Coleman Carlisle walked up to her. He reached in for a hug and said, "How've you been?"

Coleman was the son of their former housekeeper. When she had died, Lamar had taken a teenaged Coleman under his wing, paying for his college, and opening doors for him. He felt like family, which was one of the reasons she was glad Coleman was Deacon's sponsor. She turned on the performance smile. "Good. Today's been a little tough, with Maddie teething and all, but hopefully that will be over soon."

"How's the tour?"

"Going well. It's been good to get back out on the road. I really had missed it."

"And Deacon? How's that going?"

She looked away for a moment, then back. "He's been good, Cole. He's been going to meetings. Every day."

He took a deep breath. "I worry about him, Rayna," he said.

She smiled. "You don't have to."

He shook his head. "But I do. You have to know this isn't easy for him. He'll want it to be, but it's not." He sighed. "I really wish you hadn't taken him back. I don't want him to have false hope."

She frowned. "I was really clear on the boundaries, Cole. He understands."

"Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. But you can't keep being his safe place to fall, Rayna." Then he turned and walked out of the room, leaving her staring after him.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon still didn't understand why Rayna wanted to meet. The set list was fine, the arrangements were tight. He sighed. She was the one setting boundaries and now it seemed like she was blurring them. He headed up the steps at Sound Check and walked down the hall to the rehearsal space. The band would be there in an hour, but she had left him this vague message about doing a gut check on how things were going. As he got closer to the rehearsal space, he wondered if maybe she was going to fire him. Maybe that was why she wanted him to come in early and she hadn't been specific about the details of the meeting.

He reached the door and hesitated just a moment, then opened it. When he walked in, he saw her up on the stage. She was pacing, one arm around her waist, chewing on a fingernail of her other hand. She stopped when she heard him enter, dropping her hands to her side. "Hey," she said, smiling, looking like she was really glad to see him. He thought she sounded a little breathless, but it could have been his imagination.

He walked up to the stage. "Hey." He would wait to see if she came down or invited him up. She seemed to hesitate for a second, then walked over and came down the steps.

She walked to the table in front of the stage and waved him over. "Let's sit down," she said.

Now he was nervous. He stood by the chair as she sat across the table and then he pulled it out and sat. "Is there a problem, Rayna?" he asked, knowing he sounded a little defensive.

She looked surprised. "No." She shook her head. "No problem. Why would there be a problem?"

He breathed out. "I don't know, Rayna, I guess you wanting me here before everybody else and not really being very specific about why," he said.

She sat back. "Well, I'm sorry if I sounded that way. I guess I just wanted us to have some time to talk about how the tour's going and if you think we need to change anything." She bit her lip. "You're my bandleader, Deacon. I count on you to kind of manage that stuff. Like always. Nothing's changed in that regard."

He felt a sense of relief and felt bad that he'd doubted her. "I guess it's just, you know, things are different. Now." He shrugged.

She looked down. "I guess." After a moment, she looked back up. "Is there anything you think we need to change?"

He wondered if she was actually referring to the tour, but he shook his head. "Nah. I think we got it the way we want. Feels good right now."

She seemed to catch her breath and then smiled. "I think so too. So I'm glad we feel the same." She tapped her fingers on the table. "So, how was your break? Your holiday?"

"Quiet." He breathed out, then frowned. "Rayna, I ain't sure exactly what we are, but I don't know that we're, you know," – he waved his hand back and forth between them – "talking about our lives and our holidays and stuff like that. I mean, you're my _boss_. And I respect that. But you got all these boundaries and lines we can't cross and, well, I just don't know what you want from me."

She breathed in and rolled her shoulders a little forward. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't want to confuse things, but, well," – she looked at him pleadingly – "I don't want to be like strangers, Deacon. Because we're _not_. I mean, we can't just pretend everything we had just didn't exist. I want us to be able to be, I guess, friends."

He sat forward, putting his arms on the table. "I ain't ready for that, Rayna," he said quietly. "Maybe you are, but I ain't there yet. I mean, I hope we will be, can be, but for now…." He breathed in, trying not to let the emotions overtake him. "For now, I just…."

She nodded. "It's okay." She tried to smile, but her eyes looked pained. "I know it's confusing. It is for me too. I just want us, you know, to be okay."

He sighed. "We're okay, Ray. We are." He took a beat and then he got up from his chair. "I'm gonna go right now, but I'll be back in time to start rehearsal."

She looked up at him and just nodded, as though she didn't trust herself to say anything. He looked at her and he was sure there was a lot she was holding inside. He knew her too well. He just wasn't sure he understood what it was that she was holding back. So he turned and walked out.


	8. Chapter 8

When she'd been invited to perform at the Country Radio Seminar, Rayna had made the decision to just take Deacon with her. It was just an overnight trip to Nashville, so the rest of the band would head on from Denver to Little Rock and they would rejoin the tour there. They were performing at a late afternoon session, which meant Teddy could come sit backstage with Maddie while she was on stage.

She had bundled Maddie up against the cold and then followed the bellman down the elevator with her overnight bags. A limo was waiting out front to take her to the airport. When she walked out of the hotel she saw Deacon standing out front. She headed towards him. "Hey," she said, shifting Maddie a little higher up on her hip. When Maddie saw Deacon, she squealed happily and Deacon smiled at her.

He looked back at Rayna. "Hey."

She frowned. "You don't have to take a cab. You can ride with us," she said. "I'm sorry that I didn't think about that." He hesitated as though he was going to decline. "Deacon, it's stupid for you to pay for a cab, when I already have car service." She reached out and took his arm. "Come on."

He raised his eyebrows. "Okay. Thanks." He picked up his duffle and guitar case and followed her. He put his things in the trunk along with hers and then they got settled in the limo.

She was holding Maddie in her lap and the little girl was struggling to get out of her arms. She looked at Deacon and smiled sheepishly. "I really should have brought her car seat, but it's just one more thing. I'll have her on my lap on the plane and then Teddy will have a stroller, so it just seemed silly." She grinned. "Don't report me." Maddie made noises of frustration as she reached towards Deacon.

He held his hands out. "I can hold her," he offered and, after a second, she let him take her. She watched as he settled her on his lap. Maddie grabbed at his hand and Rayna poked around in her purse and pulled out a little stuffed animal and handed it to her daughter, who grabbed it and stuck it in her mouth.

She leaned against the seat back, just watching the two of them. She swallowed over the lump in her throat and then smiled. "She really does seem to like you," she said.

He looked up from Maddie and smiled. "I'm glad," he said. "She sure is a cute kid, Rayna."

She looked at the two of them and felt her stomach turn over. _This is what it would feel like, if we were a family. The three of us, traveling together, raising her up together._ She breathed in and looked down at her lap, as she blinked her eyes rapidly, hoping to hold back the tears. "So, um, what songs are we doing?" she asked. She knew, but she had to focus on something else besides the fact that they were sitting in a limo with their daughter. Maddie had thrown her stuffed animal on the floor of the limo and she picked it up.

"Uh, 'Already Gone', the original version, 'Wildflower', 'Solomon's Ladder' and 'We Got This'," he said, sounding confused. "Ain't that what you wanted?"

She breathed out and looked back up, putting on a performance smile. "Yep, that's it," she said. Then she wrinkled her nose. "Could we maybe add 'Cumberland Girl'? For old times' sake? I bet they'd let us add one." 'Cumberland Girl' was the first song she'd ever written and was the one she'd performed on stage at the Bluebird open mic where she'd seen Deacon for the very first time. She smiled sweetly.

His face went from concerned to relaxed. "I bet they would," he said, with a smile. Maddie started to bounce on his lap then, making babbling noises and sticking her hand in her mouth.

Rayna held her hands out. "You want me to take her?" she asked.

He shook his head. "She's fine." He tightened his hold around her. She saw something then in his eyes, but it quickly vanished, and it made her heartbeat speed up for a second, wondering if he'd figured things out somehow. "You're a good mama, Ray," he said softly. "I always knew you would be."

Rayna reached out and grabbed Maddie's fingers. "She makes it easy," she said.

There was an uncomfortable silence and then Deacon asked, "Is Teddy meeting you there?"

Rayna nodded. "At the venue, yes. He's going to take Maddie and then we'll head on, um, home afterwards."

He nodded. "It's nice you get a night at home."

She smiled sadly. "Yeah, it is, I guess." She leaned back against the seat then, as they headed for the airport.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon walked behind Rayna and Maddie as they headed for their gate. They never flew much on tours, just adding extra days for bus travel. Travis did a good job of scheduling so that there was plenty of time between tour stops and a minimum number of overnights on buses, unless they were headed to the west coast. But this was a quick overnight and it was simpler to fly. Rayna had sprung for first class seats, which meant, for her in particular, she'd have more room with Maddie.

As though she knew he'd been thinking her name, Maddie turned to look at him over Rayna's shoulder. He smiled at her and she buried her head in Rayna's shoulder and then looked back at him, a happy smile on her face. It was hard not to love her. She was a happy baby. He hadn't seen her cry much or seem unhappy. The fact that she was Rayna's meant that she was in his heart already.

It still seemed surreal to think that Rayna was a mother. It hadn't really been so very long ago that the two of them were together, although there were times when it seemed like a lifetime ago. He thought about how different she looked off-stage. On stage, she was all glammed up with her sparkly costumes and her makeup and hair all done, pacing back and forth on those impossibly high heels she liked to wear. She was still as slender as she'd always been, her legs amazingly long, with those full, lush breasts. But off-stage, she looked like she did now. So young, her face covered with freckles, her hair pulled back into a ponytail so that Maddie didn't get her hands in it. She wore an old Bluebird t-shirt that he actually thought was his and a pair of well-worn jeans, along with a scuffed up pair of boots. Rayna was just as beautiful without makeup as with it, even more maybe, as he thought about it.

When they got to the gatehouse, she found a place for them to sit, dropping her purse on one seat. "I'm going to take her and change her before we go," she said. He nodded and watched her walk off.

* * *

When they boarded, he helped her get organized, waiting for her to take what she needed out of the diaper bag and then storing it in the overhead bin. She gave Maddie a bottle and then she started talking about the performance. "I have someone waiting with clothes and to do my hair and makeup, so I'll do that right away, if you can make sure we've got our set up right."

He nodded. "I can do that."

"It's not a big deal, because they have the stage set the way they want, but be sure we have our mics in the right place. We're on first, so we can set it up the way we want right off the bat." She smiled at him. "And they have an amp for you to plug into." She breathed in. "Thanks for doing this. If I haven't told you already. You know how important this kind of thing is for me right now."

When he looked at her, he saw gratitude and…something else that he couldn't quite name. He'd seen it a few times in the few weeks they'd been back out on this leg of the tour, like something had shifted inside of her. But she still didn't let her guard down much. He could still feel how tightly she was holding on to the lines she'd drawn. He smiled. "You don't have to thank me, Rayna. I _do_ know how important this is. I been there since the beginning, remember?"

She smirked. "Oh, I remember." She sighed. "I still remember how hard it was to get someone to notice us and what a big deal it was when we got that first song on the radio. It still feels hard sometimes though, you know? I mean, there are a lot of great female artists out there, but it's still a man's world when it comes to country music." She bumped his arm with hers. "Which is why I never understood why you didn't catch on."

He shrugged. "It wasn't meant to be, Ray. You know that. I'm doing what I want though. Supporting you."

She smiled at him appreciatively. "Well, you know, I wouldn't be where I am without you."

There was a heaviness to the air then. He took a deep breath and she finally looked down at Maddie, but all the weight of their history seemed to be hanging in the air. Just then a flight attendant came up and asked if they wanted drinks. They both shook their heads and then she looked over at Maddie. "You two have an adorable baby," she said with a smile. She looked at Deacon. "And she looks just like her daddy." She put a hand on Deacon's shoulder briefly and then walked off.

He felt like he couldn't breathe. He supposed it did look like they were a couple, with a baby. And it would be easy to make the mistake of thinking Maddie looked like him, with her dark hair like Teddy's. But his heart hurt thinking about what could have been. He glanced over at Rayna and she had her head down, focused on Maddie. He could only imagine what she was thinking.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna had hardly been able to look at Deacon during the flight. Maddie fell asleep and she closed her eyes as well, pretending she was asleep too. She felt like she couldn't breathe. There was no way, of course, that the flight attendant could have known Deacon was actually Maddie's father. It was a normal mistake. She and Deacon were obviously flying together, she had Maddie with her, and it would have appeared as though they were a couple with a child. But it weighed on her.

They barely spoke in the car to the hotel where that day's CRS events were being held. Teddy was waiting when they arrived and Deacon had walked off without a word. She noticed how stiff he was as her heart thudded in her chest.

As Teddy was fastening Maddie into the stroller, he said, "I didn't realize you and Deacon were going to be traveling together."

She snapped. "Shut up, Teddy," she said, her voice low but steely. "You're being ridiculous. We're performing together. Why wouldn't we travel together?" She handed him the diaper bag. He looked like he was going to say something, but she shut him down. "I have to get ready. I'll see you afterwards." Then she turned and stalked off towards her dressing room.

* * *

When they were done with their set and were walking down the steps together, Deacon took a breath. "I ain't gonna fly to Little Rock, Rayna," he said quietly.

She stopped and turned to look at him, feeling a bit of panic. "What do you mean? You aren't quitting, are you?"

He shook his head. "Nah. I just think, I guess, it'd be better if I got to Little Rock on my own."

"Are you sure?" It made her nervous.

"I'll be there, Rayna. Don't worry."

She wasn't quite sure what to say or do at that point. "Okay," she said finally, and he walked away.

* * *

When she and Teddy got to the house, she took Maddie to her room. She undressed her daughter and bathed her, then put a clean diaper and her pajamas on. She and Teddy engaged in banal chit chat while she fed Maddie and put her to bed. When she got back to the kitchen, Teddy had brought out salad and some chicken. He poured wine for both of them and then they sat at the kitchen table. She mostly drank wine, eating little of her food, mostly pushing it around her plate, not saying anything.

He looked at her. "Are we going to talk at all?" he asked.

She put her glass down and looked at him. "I guess we should." She got up from the table and went into the den. Teddy followed her. She turned to him, her arms crossed over her chest. "I know you want to argue with me about Deacon, so why don't you just get it out of your system?"

He shook his head, an incredulous smile on his face. "You told me you weren't traveling with him, Rayna," he said. "That he was on a different bus."

"He _is_ on a different bus, Teddy. But this was different. We were on an airplane. With a whole lot of other people. And Maddie. What did you think would happen?"

"It's too risky, Rayna. I've told you that before."

She stood there looking at him, trying to decide what to do. Finally she decided to just pull the band aid off. "Teddy, I really think we need to come clean about Maddie," she said.

He was pacing the room and stopped. He frowned at her. "No, Rayna," he said firmly. "This is not a good idea. Maddie is _my_ daughter and I'm _not_ giving her up to an alcoholic."

"He's sober now, Teddy. And don't you think he at least has a right to know? Maybe he won't want to be a father. Maybe nothing has to change. But this feels like we're lying to him."

"Rayna, have you forgotten what it was like when we first met? When you told me you were pregnant? He had _destroyed_ you. You were afraid, for yourself and for your baby. Why would you risk all that again?" He gave her a side-eyed look. "Are you sleeping with him?"

She gasped. "No, of course not," she said. "Do you really think I would do that?"

"Do you want to?"

She looked away. "We need to not have this conversation," she said. "This is about _Maddie_ and Deacon, not me." She looked back at Teddy. "He's her father."

He shook his head and scowled. "No, Rayna, _I'm_ her father. And I will always be her father." He walked up to her. "I need you to honor our agreement."

"Teddy, she's a baby. She's still young enough that it won't matter. And all it would mean is that she has three parents instead of two, but she would still be with us."

"You don't know that. What if Claybourne decides he wants her?"

"He won't."

"You don't know that." He shook his head. "No, Rayna. I can't believe you even broached this subject. It's a bad idea and I'm not interested in opening that Pandora's box." He waved his hand in the air dismissively. "I will not agree to this. It's not an option."

She breathed in. "This isn't the end of this, Teddy. We're going to have to have a serious conversation about this. We really have to consider the consequences of not telling him. Or her."

He stared at her, then turned and walked down the hall. She breathed in, feeling herself shaking. _Could I really do this? Could I really turn our lives upside down?_ It really was more complicated than she wanted to make it, but she still felt so torn.

When she got in bed later that night, he reached for her. She pulled her arm away and he sighed, then turned back to his side of the bed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon called Cole and asked him to join him at a meeting that night. After it was over, they went to a nearby diner for coffee. Deacon sat and looked at the coffee mug for long minutes and finally Cole broke the silence. "You wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked.

Deacon looked up and breathed in. "It's a helluva lot harder than I thought it was gonna be," he said. "I know you told me, but maybe I didn't believe you enough."

Cole gave him an understanding look. "You're holding onto something," he said. "And it's time to let it go."

Deacon sighed. "I can't let her down. You know, she had three guitar players leave on her, and I just can't let her down."

"I get it, Deacon, but this is your sobriety we're talking about." Cole took a swallow of his coffee. "What's more important?"

Deacon looked at him. "They both are."

"But can you do this – work your program, stay focused – and be around her at the same time?"

Deacon shrugged. "Well, it ain't like she's available. And she keeps reminding me of that, you know? I mean, it's in my face that she moved on."

Cole shook his head. "Just because she's not available to you doesn't mean you're accepting it, Deacon. I'm afraid all you're doing is just waiting. And what's it gonna take for you to cross the line, take that first drink because you can't wait anymore or it just hurts too much?"

Deacon frowned. "I can do it. I been doing it. All this time." He sighed. "I need to show her I can do it."

"And what do you think will happen when you do? That something's gonna change?"

"No. I'm not hoping for that." He knew that was a lie, because it was exactly what he was hoping for. But he also knew she seemed determined to stay away. Probably for Maddie's sake. He rubbed his face with his hands. "Anyway, I need a favor."

"What's that?"

"She and me, we flew in for this CRS thing, but I gotta get to Little Rock tomorrow. I was supposed to fly back with her, but I don't think that's such a good idea." He looked at Cole. "You able to drive me there?"

Cole smiled a crooked smile. "I suppose I could do that." He looked at Deacon seriously then. "But think about whether or not this is your long term plan, Deacon. It could be a slippery slope."

* * *

It was a long drive to Little Rock and Deacon slept half the way. When Cole dropped him off, he thought about what his friend had said about whether this was the long-term solution for him. It would be something he'd have to give thought to once the tour was over. He thought back to the plane ride over to Nashville, what the flight attendant had said. _It should have been us, Ray._ That, probably more than anything else, was what haunted him.

After dropping off his guitar and duffle in his hotel room, he walked over to the venue. He headed up to the balcony level. This was smaller than an arena, but he and Rayna had never distinguished one from another when it came to this ritual. He was glad they'd been able to continue doing this. If nothing else, the music bound them together. Always had, always would, he supposed.

When he walked out onto the mezzanine, he could see her sitting there. She looked a little surprised at first, then relieved. He turned onto her row and sat, two seats down from her. She watched as he approached and then turned to look back down on the stage. He could feel the electricity between them, just like always. He wondered if that would ever change.

After a bit, he turned to look at her and said, "You remember the first time we played out of Tennessee?"

 _ **~nashville~**_

On the flight from Nashville to Little Rock, Rayna felt a little pit of dread in her stomach. Things had not gone well between Teddy and her and, when she and Maddie had left, he had warned her again not to rock the boat. She had decided not to get into a fight with him, but she had not responded. She knew that having Deacon back in her band had been the catalyst for all this confusion and indecision. She knew she was letting her heart lead her, instead of her head, and she knew the consequences for doing that.

Maddie slept in her arms almost the entire short flight and she closed her own eyes as she thought about what to do. And then she considered why she was even thinking there was something that needed to happen. The truth was that Deacon was still Deacon. Even if he was sober, he still was volatile and emotional and messy. Everyone who reminded her that he had never been able to make sobriety work before was right. He hadn't. There was no guarantee the fifth time would work. But she'd seen something this time, a determination, a sense of purpose, that she hadn't seen before.

But then there was Teddy. And, when she wasn't annoyed with his insecurity about Deacon, she considered that he was a kind and decent man. That he loved her far more than she loved him was just a fact of life, but he had given her a sanctuary when she'd really needed one. And he loved Maddie, with no conditions, which she knew was so much more than she should have hoped for. He was an anchor in a storm and, after having lived in the wildest hurricane for all those years with Deacon, that anchor felt calming.

It really wasn't about her, though. It was about Maddie. She still looked in Maddie's eyes every day and she saw Deacon. She had from the day her daughter was born. She knew she was like every other mama who thought their child was precious and amazing, but when she looked at Maddie she saw the perfect creation she and Deacon had made. The glaring issue was that Deacon didn't know.

She felt uncomfortable with Deacon not knowing about her. She didn't want Maddie to grow up with her whole life being a lie. But it wasn't so easy to untangle the tentacles of the lie. There were real human emotions and feelings involved and someone would be hurt in all of it. She knew she needed to focus on the impact on Maddie, rather than herself, but she couldn't help but feel that primal pull towards Deacon and she didn't know if that was such a good thing.

* * *

Rayna was sitting in the nosebleed section of the arena in Little Rock. She felt a quiver of anxiety when Deacon showed up, after the testy conversation with Teddy the night before and her confusing thoughts. She had finally gotten comfortable with continuing their ritual though and they needed to get back on track, at least professionally. As they'd settled into the tour, he had started to sit in the same row with her, although always a respectable two to three seats away. It occurred to her that, no matter what else was going on in their lives, the music had always been a constant. Deacon and music, they were just the same for her.

She looked up at him as he walked towards her and smiled, pushing aside her anxiety. She felt herself relax a little, knowing he was there, just as he'd promised he would be. He smiled back and then settled in, with two seats between them. She looked back towards the stage, watching the crew start to set up, and they were both quiet.

"You remember the first time we played out of Tennessee?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.

She turned to look at him, breathing out a silent sigh of relief that he'd brought up something more neutral. "I do," she said, smiling. "Here in Little Rock." He nodded. "But not here." She laughed.

He leaned his head back and laughed as well. "That is definitely true," he said. "If I remember right, it was some dive bar on the west side of town."

She nodded. "It was. In fact, didn't we have to play behind some kind of fence?"

He laughed again. "We did. I remember thinking that Bucky was a pretty crappy tour manager."

She laughed with him. "Well, to be fair, he was only booking us as a favor to Watty. He wasn't our manager then."

"True." They were quiet again for a bit before he broke the silence again. "Do you remember our first tour bus? And I use that term lightly."

She turned slightly in her seat, her elbow on the arm rest. She balled up her fist and leaned her chin on it, smiling. "I do remember that. Although it was hardly a bus."

He relaxed into the seat, sliding down just a bit. "I think Watty called it a travel trailer, but it was more like a damn camper," he said, with a chuckle.

"And we had to hook it up to that piece of crap truck you drove back then."

He raised up a finger and shook it playfully at her. "But that piece of crap truck got us a long way before it gave up the ghost."

She grinned. "It did, that's true. I was never so glad to see a truck die though. Although I thought when the engine burned up that you were gonna cry."

"Hey now, that truck had been with me for a lotta years." He rubbed his chin with one hand. "That travel trailer thing, God, that was the smallest thing ever."

"I seem to remember you could stand in the middle and put your arms out and turn in a circle and just about touch everything in it," she said, smiling fondly.

"Everything about it was small. Even that bunk thing in the back. Wasn't hardly big enough for two people…." He stopped abruptly and turned towards the stage, as though he'd realized he'd been treading on forbidden ground.

The smile slid off her face and she looked down, then turned back in her seat to face the stage. As good as it was to feel more comfortable with each other, she thought there probably was a limit to that and that they'd probably just gone past it. The silence hung in the air, tense and thick. Finally she pushed up from the seat and said, without looking at him, "I'm gonna go down. I'll see you at sound check." She then headed briskly for an exit, pausing only after she'd reached the mezzanine to gasp for breath.

She wasn't at all sure how much longer she could go on like this.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon found Rayna sitting alone by the pool after the show. She was wrapped up in a warm coat with a scarf wrapped around her neck. On the table beside her was a bottle of wine and a half-full glass. He wondered how much she may have had to drink. When he approached her, she looked up and he could see she was crying. He sat down in the chair next to her. "You okay?"

She nodded, then shook her head. "No, not really." She sniffed and then wiped away the tears. "Teddy and I had a fight while I was home."

He breathed in. "You don't need to tell me nothing," he said.

She gave him a grateful look. "But it involves you," she said.

He frowned. "How can that be, Ray?" he said. "Me and you, we ain't done nothing."

"I know. But he thinks we have. Or that we want to."

He breathed in. He sure as hell did want to, but he would never cross her boundaries. He would never put her in that position. "Ray, I would never…."

She shook her head. "I know." She sat back and closed her eyes.

He breathed in. "I don't want to cause you no trouble, Ray," he said. He leaned forward. "You tell me I need to leave, I will."

"I don't want you to leave, Deacon." She looked at him. "We'll work through it." She sighed. "I need you. But…it just feels, I don't know, weird, or something." She bit her lip and looked down. "I don't want to, you know, confuse things."

He put his face in his hands and breathed in. Then he slid his hands down to his chin. "I don't know what to do with that, Rayna." He sat up straight. "I just want to be your bandleader. I don't think I can be the person you, uh, talk to. Not about this." He stood up and she looked up at him. "I'll do whatever you want professionally. If you want me here to play guitar, I'm all in. But if you want more than that, well, I think maybe that ain't gonna work so well." He breathed out. "I got feelings, too, you know, Ray? But I think it's just best that we don't try to create no parallel path. It just won't be no good for nobody."

She wrapped her arms around herself. " _I'm_ the one who's confused," she said. "And you're right. I've just gotta figure it out."

He hesitated. He hadn't expected that and wasn't sure what to say or how to react. "What do you want me to do?" he asked, finally.

She picked up the glass and took a couple of sips, then put the glass back down. "I don't know," she said. "Nothing." She picked the glass back up and drained it. When she set it back down, she held on to the stem and tapped it with one finger. "We have six more weeks. I just need to get through six more weeks and then…I don't know." She sat up and reached for the bottle, emptying the last of it in her glass. She looked up at him then and gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, I'm a little tipsy. My own private little pity party, or something." She sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I _will_ figure it out though."

He thought he'd better leave, so he walked over and put his hand on her shoulder. "Okay," he said. She reached up and grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently, then letting go. He breathed out and then he walked back the way he had come.

* * *

He had a hard time sleeping that night. He kept seeing her sitting by the pool, hearing her say she was confused. He'd thought it was just him, that she had everything locked down, but it appeared not. He didn't know what it might mean. Maybe she'd just redouble her efforts to enforce her boundaries. Maybe not. But what was clear was that this was as difficult for her as it was for him.


	9. Chapter 9

They had another week on this leg of the tour and then they would go home to Nashville for a few days. The last leg of the tour was the West Coast. They had stops in Omaha, Des Moines, Minneapolis, and Milwaukee, then they would hit San Diego, LA, San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle to finish up the tour. Maddie's first birthday would be a week after the tour was over. As much as Rayna had loved being back out on the road, she was ready for some time off. It really wouldn't be much time off, though, since she would start work on her new album a month after the end of the tour.

To that end, she'd started inviting Deacon to ride on her bus occasionally during the day so they could start talking about song choices. She had a large stack of demos they had listened to, trying to come up with the right mix of songs. He had always been so good at helping to create that concept for an album and then help her decide on the right songs to include. Of course, most of the albums he'd worked on with her had involved songs the two of them had written. It was definitely different now. She had settled on the theme of ballads and they had chosen several demos that she had put holds on to include. But she really wanted to write some songs herself and she'd spent many hours at night, in hotel rooms and on the bus, scratching out song ideas and lyric sentences, trying to find her muse.

Deacon was riding on her bus from Omaha to Des Moines. She'd been working on some lyrics for two weeks and was hitting a wall and she thought having him there to bounce ideas off might help. He was sitting on the bench seat on one side of the bus, with his guitar, and she was on the other, her legs tucked up under her. It hadn't gone as well as she'd hoped, mainly because it seemed to be hard for either of them to stop thinking about how songwriting used to be.

She finally threw down her notebook. "I think I'm just gonna have to sleep on it some more," she said, with a sigh. She got up then. "You want a water?" she asked.

"Sure," he said, setting aside his guitar.

Maddie was sitting on the floor, playing with blocks, which was probably another reason it felt awkward trying to write together. For her anyway. She walked down towards the kitchenette and had just opened the door to the mini-fridge, when Deacon said, "Ray, look!" She turned around in time to see Maddie take two tentative, unsteady steps, right into Deacon's waiting hands. He looked up at her, a huge grin on his face. "Did you see that?" he said, looking proud.

She put her hand over her heart. She could barely breathe. He was looking at her, holding onto Maddie, who was chortling happily. "Oh, my God," she finally gasped.

"That the first time she done that?" he asked. She nodded mutely. He gestured at her. "Well, come over and sit and I bet she'll walk to you."

She came and sat down on the bench beside him and held her hands out to Maddie. "Will you come to me, sweet girl?" she asked. She still was having trouble breathing. It felt like the most mundane thing in the world, two parents seeing their child walk for the first time, and yet Deacon had no idea he was Maddie's father. She was struggling to wrap her mind around that reality, as Maddie toddled unsteadily the three steps to her. She picked her up and then burst into tears.

Deacon scooted down the bench and put a hand on her arm. "Ray? You okay?" he asked. She looked up at the concern on his face and forced a smile.

"Yeah," she said, as she sniffled, nodding her head. She bent down and pressed her lips against the top of Maddie's head. "Yeah, I'm good," she repeated. She waved at her face. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't think I'd get that emotional, you know?"

He looked relieved. "I guess it's a big deal, right?" She nodded. He breathed in. "You gonna tell Teddy?"

She hadn't thought about that. She knew he'd be disappointed to miss Maddie's first steps, but the reality was that you couldn't always predict or script how those moments would go. He would be destroyed, and angry, if he knew Deacon had been there, but that was also one of those things that couldn't be predicted. "Yeah," she said. "I'm sure he'll be disappointed to have missed it, but it'll still be his first time seeing it when he does." She would, of course, never tell him Deacon had been with her.

He nodded, looking thoughtful. "I guess it's hard for him, with you being on the road, not seeing Maddie all the time," he said.

She was surprised at first at his insightfulness, but then she realized he had always been sensitive about things. As much of a man's man as Deacon was, he had his soft side. It was what made him such a great songwriter, his ability to feel emotions and understand those tiny nuances, like a father missing his child's first steps. She nodded. "I'm sure." Maddie was struggling to get down and she let her daughter slide down onto the bus floor. Maddie seemed done with walking, as she reached for the blocks again and started stacking them. She looked up to see Deacon watching her, an ocean of sadness in his eyes.

"You're a good mama, Ray," he said. "I always knew you would be."

She felt like bursting into tears again, but she breathed in and forced the aching feeling deep down inside. "Thanks," was all she could manage to get out. She felt a huge sense of relief when, just then, the bus driver announced they were twenty minutes from the hotel.

 _ **~nashville~**_

"I'll see you at sound check," Rayna said, as he got ready to leave the bus at the hotel.

He closed the latches on his guitar case and swung his messenger bag over his shoulder. "I'm sorry we couldn't work out your song," he said. "But you do got some good ones for the album."

She nodded. "Yeah, we do."

"So how many more you need?"

"I think we only have half," she said.

He worked his lip. All he could do was throw it out there and see what she said. "Uh, I got some you could maybe look at," he said, hesitantly.

She smiled sadly. "I don't know," she said. "I'm thinking it might be too…."

He shook his head. "No, I gotcha. It's okay." But it hurt. More than he thought it would, more than it probably should. He knew he had some that might have worked for her, but it was too soon. He turned towards the door. "Okay, then," he said, and headed for the front of the bus.

"Thanks, Deacon," she called out after him.

He hurried down the steps and out to the other bus. The cargo hold was already open, so he pulled out his duffle. He pointed out the guitars he wanted to use that night to one of the roadies, then turned to head into the hotel. He looked up and saw Rayna coming down the steps with Maddie. She looked in his direction and, if he had been closer, he would have sworn he saw sadness in her eyes. But he kept walking towards the door, not looking back.

* * *

When he got to his room, he put his guitar case in the corner and dropped his duffle and messenger bag on top of the table in the room. He looked at the clock and saw that it was three o'clock. He had a couple hours before he had to head for the arena for sound check. He took off his boots and laid down on the bed, his hands behind his head. He thought about riding the bus with Rayna again. It wasn't quite the same, of course, but it felt more normal. As they'd listened to demos and debated the pros and cons, it had felt good, like they were in sync again. There had been laughter and teasing, but also good debate on the merits of one song over another.

One of the things he appreciated about Rayna was her attention to the details and her desire to get things right. She always had a very defined sense of what she wanted her sound to be, how she wanted songs to follow each other on an album. When the two of them had written most everything she recorded, it had been simpler. 'Postcards from Mexico' had been probably the easiest album to put together. 'Postcard from Mexico' had been the centerpiece and everything else they wrote for that album had a similar feel to it. It had been the sexiest album she'd ever done and had given her fans a different side of Rayna Jaymes. Instead of just being that wholesome girl next door, it showed off her sex appeal.

He ran his hand down over his face and sighed. It had been a surreal moment, on the bus, when he'd watched Maddie pull up on the bench seat and then take the few steps towards him. It had felt like such an intimate moment that he and Rayna had shared, something they really hadn't had in well over a year. Even if it really wasn't his moment to share, he felt grateful to have had it. He'd been surprised she had cried, even though she quickly recovered.

He closed his eyes, thinking back to the days when they were still together and they had talked about family and growing old together, sitting on the porch at the cabin, singing and playing music, with children and grandchildren around. He had somehow always thought that he and Rayna would be the ones having a baby together, not Rayna and someone else.

He pictured little Maddie again, basically falling into his arms, even though she'd moved her feet unsteadily. Her little face was lit up with a big smile, the teeth she had coming in gleaming white. She had held onto his hands, laughing happily. He felt tears in his eyes and rolled onto his side. He'd lost the only woman he'd ever loved and the life he'd always thought they would have and he wasn't sure how he was going to go on.

* * *

 _He was waiting for her, in their bed. He could hear the water running and then cutting off. A few minutes later, she came out, her face clean, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing that sexy, white nightgown he loved seeing her in. She smiled at him and then came and sat on the bed next to him, reaching for her lotion on the bedside table. He loved watching her smooth the lilac smelling cream on her arms and legs. She always took her time with it, because she knew it turned him on._

" _I'm so tired, babe," she said, glancing over at him._

" _Hopefully not too tired," he said._

 _She shrugged playfully. "We'll see." She lifted her leg to smooth on the lotion and the gauzy fabric of her nightgown drifted down and he could see her long, slender legs._

 _He smiled and turned onto his side, reaching his hand out to touch her leg, just above the knee. He slid his fingers slowly down her leg to her thigh, then moved his fingers to her inside thigh. She made a little noise, kind of like a purr. "Hurry up, baby," he said softly. He moved his fingers and moaned appreciatively when he found she wasn't wearing panties._

" _Oh, Deacon," she said, her voice breathy. She dropped the lotion container just as he slid two fingers inside her._

 _He watched her face. She closed her eyes and her lips parted just slightly. Her legs fell slightly open and her hips started to move. He leaned over to kiss her, his fingers still moving inside her. Her eyes fluttered open and she lifted her hands to his face, kissing him back fervently, making little noises as she did. When he could feel that she was right on the edge, he moved his hand and pulled her down next to him. He shifted her, pulling her leg up and over his as he entered her._

 _She finally started to moan in that way that told him she was…._

The phone rang and startled him out of a deep sleep. He looked wildly at the phone on the bedside table, his breathing ragged and heavy, his heart pounding so loud he could hear it. He couldn't remember where he was for a moment and then finally he reached for the phone. "Yeah," he practically shouted into the phone, his voice sounding raspy to his ears.

"Deacon, why aren't you here?" came Bucky's voice over the phone, sounding annoyed.

He looked at the clock and saw that it was almost six. He should have been at sound check at five-thirty. He was still breathing hard. "Sorry. I guess I fell asleep," he said.

"Well, get over here as fast as you can," Bucky said.

"Be right there," he said and hung up. He sat up and swung his legs off the bed. He sat there for several minutes, just breathing in and out, his heart still racing. He rubbed his hands over his face. It had felt so real.

He got up then and went into the bathroom, turning on the water and splashing cold water on his face. He reached for a towel and dried himself and then looked in the mirror. That little moment – him and Rayna and Maddie – had felt like it should have belonged to them. It should have been their moment. He put the towel down and leaned on the vanity with his hands. He saw the pain in his eyes reflected back to him in the mirror. _Why did you have to screw everything up? Why did you let her down?_

He shook his head, feeling tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Ray," he whispered out loud. "I never meant to cause you all that pain." He hoped she hadn't completely lost faith in him, now that he'd missed the start of sound check, that she wouldn't be thinking he was back to old habits. Then he breathed in and wiped his face off again with the towel. Then he went into his room, picked up his messenger bag and room key and headed out.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna had been frantic. She'd been surprised, when she went up to the balcony and Deacon wasn't there for their ritual. When he never showed, she got a bad feeling deep inside. The little moment, where Maddie started walking, had felt so intimate. There was a part of her that, right then and there, had wanted to just blurt out that he was Maddie's father. For a moment, it had seemed so simple. There was no reason to lie anymore. Deacon was sober, he was making this work, and she would be there to help him. But a moment later, she thought of Teddy, and she knew she didn't have the right to say anything without talking to him. They had made the decision about Maddie together in the beginning and she had no right to exclude him now.

But now she had to wonder about the effect that moment had had on Deacon. She knew, because she'd been struggling too, that it was hard for him, being with her and yet not being with her. She could see it in his eyes, his face, that every time he saw her with Maddie he was mourning the loss of all of that with her. She remembered what Coleman had said to her about not being his safe place to fall, the way she'd always been for all of the years they'd been together.

So she'd sat in the balcony and tried to quiet her nerves, her worry, her anxiety over the fact that he wasn't there. But when he didn't show for the start of sound check, she was in a panic. It felt like it had all those years, when he wouldn't show up for sound check or a show or a recording session, because he was too drunk or passed out or worse. She could hardly breathe and her nerve ends were on fire. They waited, because they thought he was just late, but she was worried that wasn't the case. She'd had tears in her eyes as she paced the stage and then the backstage area, her heart in her throat.

She alternated between worry and anger and finally went to Bucky and hissed, "Call him in his room," desperately hoping there was an explanation. She waited while Bucky found a phone and made the call, her arms wrapped around her waist, the pit in her stomach gnawing at her, and tears in her eyes. She watched him walk back over and, when she saw the relief on his face, she let the tears flow.

* * *

Rayna stood in front of the window of the suite, looking out over the lights of the city. Now that the show was over, she felt exhausted. She'd been so tense, worried about Deacon, and then all of that tension had flowed out in a rush, when it turned out he'd just fallen asleep. He had been deeply apologetic and had understood exactly the fear it had raised in her.

 _He had walked directly up to her on the stage. "Ray, I'm so sorry," he said. "I really did just fall asleep. I didn't mean to…"_

 _She waved him off. "I know." She looked up at him. "I was so scared, Deacon," she whispered. Her emotions were right at the surface and she could hear the shakiness in her voice. "I was so scared."_

 _His eyes were filled with pain. "I know. I'm so sorry," he said again. "But I promised you…."_

 _She nodded. "I know. And you have. I just think, I guess, I'll always worry about you." She reached out and grabbed his arm. "Always."_

She had shaken it off for the show, but now that she was in her room, she forced herself to think about it. The truth was that Deacon was still at that point in his sobriety where everything was so fragile. The fact that her first thought had been that he was drunk meant that she still wasn't quite past that fear. The fact that he wasn't told her that she needed to start having more faith in him, trusting him. And there was still the matter of Maddie.

She crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her hands up and down her arms. _All I can think about is the fact that Maddie is Deacon's. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. Someone who would understand and not judge me. I'm so confused._ She felt the tears trail down her cheeks. The hardest part of having Deacon with her was not being able to tell him they had a daughter.

* * *

"Watty!" Rayna cried, smiling happily at the sight of her mentor in the hotel lobby in Minneapolis. He smiled back and enveloped her in a hug.

"How are you, my little songbird?" he asked.

She stepped out of the hug. "Good," she said. "Glad to see you."

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. "I wanted to come out and see the new show."

She made a face. "I think you wanted to see how _Deacon_ was doing," she said.

He shrugged. "Well, that too. And see how _you_ were handling that." He looked around. "I know you have sound check in a few minutes, so why don't we get together for breakfast in the morning. We can talk more privately then."

She nodded. "I would love that." She smiled again and reached in for another hug. "I'm so glad you're here. And I can't wait to hear what you think of the show." She linked her arm through his and they walked towards the exit.

* * *

Watty was already at a table when Rayna came down the next morning. The server came over as soon as she sat down and they ordered coffee. Then Watty looked at her. "The show was great last night, Rayna," he said. "You haven't missed a beat, even with the long layoff."

She blushed. "Well, thanks, Watty. We worked hard at it." She rolled her eyes then. "Although I surely was wondering when I couldn't keep a lead guitar player." She laughed a little ruefully.

"Yeah, I heard about that. Good thing Deacon was in town and available."

The server came back with coffee and then took their breakfast orders. She watched him walk away and then sighed. "Well, I was against it when Bucky threw his name out there. It seemed like a really bad idea."

Watty raised his eyebrows. "But it seems to be working," he said.

Rayna breathed in and then looked down at her coffee as she added sugar and cream. She stirred it, still not looking at Watty. "It's been hard," she said, finally.

Watty frowned. "It's not working out? Because he looked great out there last night. And your set was tight. I could feel his touch on it."

She looked up. "That part is great. It's exactly why Bucky wanted him and why it made sense to bring him back."

"Then what's the problem?"

She bit her lip. "Me."

He reached out for her hand and squeezed it comfortingly. "Because of your past relationship?"

She looked down at the table and nodded. Watty had been the person who discovered her and then he'd become more than just a mentor and supporter, he had become like the father she'd never really had. She trusted him and relied on him almost more than anyone else in her life. He knew her almost as well as Deacon did and he had, of course, watched that relationship implode over time. She was finding it hard to talk without crying, so she said nothing.

Just then, the server returned with their food. Rayna looked at the toast and fruit, but her appetite was gone. She looked up at Watty. "Can we walk?" she asked.

Watty nodded. "Of course." He threw down a twenty on the table next to the uneaten food and they got up and walked out of the hotel. They walked in silence down to the river. Rayna was glad there was a bit of an early spring in Minneapolis, although she shivered just a little with the emotions she was feeling. "Are you cold?" Watty asked.

She breathed in and put a smile on her face, shaking her head. "No, not really." She linked her arm through his as they walked slowly. "You know, having Deacon back has been great. Professionally. It made me remember what made him such a great bandleader. He has such a good sense about the music. How it flows, how it sounds, what makes it resonate with the fans. He knows how to make it fresh."

Watty nodded. "I did like the new arrangement on 'Already Gone'," he said. "It's got a real punch to it that I like."

She smiled up at him. "That's a great example. You know how ballad-y it was and I was really comfortable with that. So when he turned up the volume and changed the timing on it, it changed the whole song for the better."

They walked a little farther in silence. Then Watty said, "That's not what's bothering you. It's more personal."

"Yes."

He stopped and turned to face her. His eyes searched hers and she could tell he was mulling something over in his mind. Finally he took a deep breath. "Is it Maddie?" he asked quietly. She gasped, opening her eyes wide. He shook his head and patted her arm. "Don't worry. It's not obvious and no one else would probably have even considered it."

She put her hands to her face to cover the tears. "How…?" she croaked out.

He shrugged. "I wondered about the need to marry so quickly. And I could see it in your face, my little songbird. That your heart wasn't completely in it. Not many other people would have recognized it."

She wiped her eyes. "It was such a terrible time, Watty. I thought it was the only thing I could do. But…." She sighed. "Being so close to him and seeing how hard he's working at staying sober, I mean, it makes me wonder." She made a face. "I still care about him. And it feels wrong, somehow, to keep this from him. I just don't know what to do. I could hurt people who don't really deserve to be hurt."

He looked at her kindly. "It's not an easy decision. Partly because you'd have to admit to him that you'd deceived him, that you held back information that he probably had a right to know. But I'm also thinking that having him so close to you makes it harder."

She nodded. "It does."

"Have you and Teddy talked about it at all?"

She shook her head. "Not really, not seriously. I mean, of course, at the time we got married we did. And we argued about it when I took Deacon back in my band. He was sure it would be hard for me to keep it a secret." She rolled her eyes and made a face. "And he's right. It _has_ been hard, especially seeing them together. The tour's nearly over though and, if I can make it through the rest of this, then I hope it'll be easier next time."

"So he doesn't suspect?"

She shook her head. "No, I don't think so. He's never asked and never let me think he ever even considered it." The tears started to flow again.

Watty didn't say anything for a moment, just letting her get her emotions out. Finally he said, "You don't have to do anything right now, Rayna. I'm sure the closeness of the tour is why this is bothering you so much. Don't do anything until you get home. Then see if you still feel the same. If you do, then you can decide what to do."

She nodded and smiled at him gratefully, wiping her eyes again. "You're right. I'll do that," she said. She breathed in. "Thanks, Watty."

He pulled her into an embrace. "Anytime, Rayna," he said comfortingly.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was glad when the buses pulled into Nashville. This part of the tour had felt more stressful than the first part. Maybe it was because he and Rayna were interacting more, talking more, but he'd felt on edge, especially the last few weeks. The dreams happened almost every night. Sometimes they would be a combination of old times, sometimes not. The night he dreamt about her being pregnant had made him realize the closeness was eating away at him.

He'd been so sure he could do this. He knew, when he was honest with himself, that he'd harbored some hopes – fantasies, really – that she would recognize that they were really meant for each other. She'd leave Teddy and the two of them could be together and raise up Maddie together. Even though Maddie wasn't his daughter, he loved her like she was, because she was Rayna's. But, despite the slips and accidental forays into talking about their past, it hadn't happened. There had been times when he thought there was something below the surface, _knew_ it actually, because, of course, he knew her so well. But he could see she was holding strong to her insistence that they needed to move on – separately.

He got off the bus quickly and rounded up his guitars. They would be back on the road in a few days, flying to the West Coast for the home stretch. When he had his truck loaded and got into the driver's seat, he looked back over at Rayna's bus. He could see Teddy's car, but there was no sign of him or Rayna. He was headed straight for a meeting – Cole was meeting him there – and he knew he desperately needed it. This had been every bit as hard as Cole had predicted.

As he pulled out of the parking lot, he saw Rayna heading down the steps of her bus. Just as he made the turn out, he was sure she had turned to watch.

* * *

He slid into a seat next to Cole, who turned to look at him. "Sorry, man," he said. "We was a little late getting in."

"No problem. Glad you made it."

They sat through several people sharing their stories. When the leader asked if there was anyone else, Deacon surprised himself a little by raising his hand. As he walked up to the front of the room, he considered what he wanted to say. He stood at the podium for a minute, squeezing the sides, rocking back and forth on his feet. He suddenly wanted to cry, but he didn't want to do that here. He took a deep breath and looked out over the group of people in the room.

"I hadn't been at a meeting here in a while. I been out on the road, doing what I do." He breathed in again. "I'm a decent guitar player, if I'm not being too immodest. That and songwriting are the two things I consider I'm halfway good at, so I try to do 'em as much as I can. I been back in Nashville for getting close to a year. I been sober a little longer than that, longest I've ever stayed sober, truth be told." There was a smattering of applause and he nodded in acknowledgement.

"But I pretty much lost everything that mattered to me, before I went to rehab the last time. Actually, it's more like I lost every _one_ that mattered to me. I lost the person who was my family. She went on to make a real family with someone else and for a while I wasn't sure I'd survive that." He gripped the podium again and breathed in. "But I did. She and me, we're trying to be friends now, but it's hard. I ain't sure I can ever see her as just a friend. But, she's still my family. She'll always be my family." He looked at Cole then. "I know some people won't understand that, but she knows me better than anyone else. She believed I could do this, even when I didn't give her no reason to. I want to do this, for her. Show her she was right to believe in me. So I get up every day and I promise myself I ain't gonna drink and every night I go to bed knowing I lived up to that promise." He swallowed hard. "Thank you."

He walked back to his seat. _I got sober for Rayna. I'm gonna stay sober for Rayna._

 _ **~nashville~**_

Tandy looked surprised when she opened her door to find Rayna on her front stoop, but that was because Rayna hadn't called to say she was stopping by. "Hey," Tandy said.

"Hey," Rayna said, putting on a false smile. "You got some time for me?"

Tandy stepped back. "Absolutely. Always." Rayna walked in and Tandy closed the door behind her. "I thought you'd still be decompressing from the tour."

"Well, you know," Rayna said as they walked back to Tandy's den. "I've got all sorts of energy still, so I thought I'd dump some of it on you." She smiled at her sister.

"Would you like coffee? Tea?" Tandy offered.

Rayna screwed up her face a minute, then said, "How about tea? With maybe a shot of bourbon or something."

Tandy widened her eyes. "Oh, really. That good, huh?"

Rayna shrugged. "I guess it'll depend." She made a little shooing motion and smiled.

Tandy hesitated for just a minute. "Okay, I'll be right back then." And she hurried off.

While she waited, Rayna pondered how much she wanted to say to her sister. Tandy was not a fan of Deacon's and she had to be careful. She really hoped her sister could be just that, a sister. She looked down at her hands in her lap. It had been good to talk to Watty, but Tandy was the person she told everything to, and Tandy was the only one, other than Teddy, she had talked to when she found out she was pregnant.

When Tandy came back in with a tray, she smiled at Rayna. "How did Maddie do on the tour?" she asked, as she set the tray down.

Rayna grinned. "She did great. I think she's gonna be my little tour partner for a while." She looked at the tray and laughed when she spotted the two shot glasses of bourbon. "Thank you for taking me seriously, babe," she said. She reached for a cup of tea and added sugar and a touch of cream. Then she set the cup down and picked up the shot glass. She smiled at Tandy and then she put the glass to her lips and downed it.

"Rayna! What in the world?" Tandy looked stunned.

Rayna blinked, her eyes watering from the burn of the liquor as it went down her throat. She felt it invade her stomach and give her a momentary warm feeling that shot clear back to her brain. For a minute she felt enveloped in a warm blanket of buzziness and then it subsided. She picked up the tea cup and took a small sip of tea. "I've done a really terrible thing, Tandy, and I think I need to fix it," she said. Tandy looked at her and the color seemed to drain from her face. Rayna smiled sadly and shook her head. "Oh, don't worry, I didn't cheat on Teddy or anything."

Tandy blinked and ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "Well, I didn't necessarily think you meant _that_ ," she said.

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Didn't you?" She took another sip of tea. "Anyway, what I'm talking about is lying to Deacon about Maddie. I'm pretty sure, right now, that was a mistake."

"I don't understand," Tandy said, looking confused. "Are you planning to tell him? Have you talked to Teddy about that?"

Rayna shook her head. "I haven't done anything. Haven't decided anything for sure. But this just all feels so wrong. Everything we did just feels wrong."

Tandy still looked shocked. "But you love Teddy, don't you?"

Rayna raised one shoulder. "I think I love the idea of Teddy. I love what he did for me. I love how he loves Maddie. I _feel_ love for Teddy, but not in the way a wife should love a husband. The way he deserves to be loved."

"But that can change over time, sweetheart," Tandy said.

Rayna sighed. "But what if that never happens? What if I just grow to resent him for keeping Maddie from her father?"

Tandy frowned. "You made a decision, Rayna, that Deacon could not be a father to your baby. That he was too unpredictable, too volatile, to be able to do that. None of that has changed." She looked closely at her sister. "Has it?"

Rayna looked down at her hands. "I don't know. He's stayed sober for almost a year and a half." She looked up and spread her hands out. "It just feels like we made all these decisions and we didn't think about the consequences. Years from now. For both Deacon _and_ Maddie."

Tandy moved to sit next to her sister, taking her hands. "I know it was hard, sweetheart. But think about Teddy too. He stood by you and supported you and he loves you. And Maddie."

Rayna looked at her pleadingly. "I know. Teddy is a wonderful man and I could probably go on like this for years. It would be nice and easy and uncomplicated and we'd have another baby, who would be his, and we'd just have this life that feels like the life I should have, but is it fair to him?"

"Rayna, I've watched you since you married Teddy and he has really brought so much stability to your life. You've seemed at peace, for the first time in I don't know how long. Don't let Deacon being on tour with you complicate your life again. There's no reason he needs to know about Maddie."

Rayna looked at her. "Does it ever bother you that we're lying to someone? About something important like this? Because it bothers me. I look at Maddie every day and I think she deserves to know who her real father is. Because she came from something beautiful, Tandy. Even if you don't want to believe that, she did. And I think she deserves to know that. I think Deacon deserves to know that too."

Tandy breathed in. "I think you need to be very careful, sweetheart, before you blow up everyone's lives like this." She squeezed Rayna's hands. "You have no idea how this will go, if Deacon can even handle it. Think about all the pain he's caused you."

"I don't know," Rayna said, tears welling up in her eyes. "I just don't know if I can do this."

Tandy leaned in. "You _can_ , Rayna. You're doing it for Maddie, to protect that precious little girl, who deserves everything good for her life. Don't take a chance on something you can't be sure of." She leaned in. "Please don't do anything foolish."

"It's just so hard. I keep wondering if we did the right thing," Rayna said, her voice shaking.

"Look, the tour's almost over. Then you can get back to your regular life for a while. I know things will seem better when you have some time to think about it." She squeezed Rayna's hands. "Please don't do anything right now."

Rayna nodded, but she wasn't sure this was over yet.


	10. Chapter 10

They were flying to San Diego for the last leg of the tour. All the equipment had already gone out to the West Coast on buses and they would be leasing two buses locally for the band and Rayna, rather than driving out on their regular buses. The band was taking a different flight than Rayna, Mia and Maddie, so he knew he wouldn't be running into her. As he got onto the plane and settled into his seat, his mind was on her, as it so often was. He considered how things had changed between the two of them over the course of the tour. In the beginning, she was as skittish as a colt around him, unable to look him in the eye for long, not allowing herself to be alone with him. But as the tour went on, she seemed to relax some, although it still felt like she was keeping a tight rein on herself and her emotions.

He pushed back the seat as far as it would go. It was a long flight and it wouldn't be comfortable. At least they'd have a night to sleep before the show. He hated West Coast legs. He and Rayna both did. Just how long it took to get there and the time difference always put them off kilter. But he smiled a little as he thought about how they would use the time in flight.

 _His first time flying, ever, was on a West Coast leg for a George Strait tour. Rayna was opening for the opener, but it was her first big tour. The flight would get into LA well after midnight, so the flight attendants turned the lights off and most of the passengers closed the window shades. It wasn't a full flight either, so he and Rayna had the whole row to themselves. He had lifted the armrest in between the seats and she had covered them with both blankets they'd been given. They had cuddled and kissed and whispered to each other._

 _Rayna was wearing a t-shirt and, at some point, he worked his hand under the hem of it and ran his hand over her soft abdomen. "Deacon, stop," she whispered, but then she giggled, so he knew she didn't really mean it._

 _She had one of those bras that fastened in front and he quickly popped it open. She didn't say anything, just let him push back the fabric and start to stroke her breasts. Rayna's breasts were the prettiest he'd ever seen on a girl. Her skin felt like velvet and her nipples were a rosy pink color. Most girls he'd been with had small breasts, but Rayna's were full and womanly. They filled his hands, which by itself was a turn on for him. He knew she really liked for him to use his mouth and lips on them, so he tucked under the blanket and pushed up her t-shirt. He took her nipple in his mouth and ran his tongue over it, until it was rock hard. She made a noise and put her hands on his head, threading her fingers through his hair as he continued._

 _When he slid his hand down and ran it between her legs, over her jeans, that's when she sat up. He pushed the blanket back and frowned. But she was smiling and that confused him. She pulled her t-shirt down and then she twisted around to look down the aisle. Then she turned back to him. "I'm going to go to the restroom," she whispered. "After I close the door, count to ten and then follow me. Knock on the door and I'll let you in."_

 _He frowned. That sounded stupid. "Why would I do that?" he asked._

 _She leaned in and kissed him. "You wanna join the mile high club?" she asked._

" _What's that?"_

" _Count to ten and then come find out," she said, with a saucy smile._

 _It was definitely not the most comfortable place to have sex – and they had the bruises to prove it – but they both joined the club that night and then again every time they had a West Coast flight._

He sighed and shifted in his seat. He really did not need to be thinking about Rayna that way. He couldn't help but think this wasn't as hard for her as it was for him. He wondered if Teddy satisfied her to the point that she didn't miss what they'd had. He couldn't imagine Teddy Conrad being the kind of guy who would do the kinds of things Rayna really liked, but he supposed you never knew.

He saw the drink cart coming down the aisle and he had an overwhelming desire for a whiskey. He breathed in and closed his eyes. He focused his thoughts on how it made him feel when he was drunk. Those first few drinks might feel good going down, but he knew how he would feel the next day. His head would hurt, his mouth would be as dry as the Sahara, might even taste of puke, and his stomach would be rolling. His whole body would hurt and alternately feel like it was on fire or like a thousand needles were pricking his skin. He didn't want to feel that way. So he kept his eyes closed and let the cart go by.

* * *

They were about an hour out from San Diego and he lowered the tray table in front of him. He flagged down a flight attendant and got a club soda with lime, then pulled a sheet of paper out of his messenger bag. He hadn't told Rayna he was doing this, but he'd worked some on the song she'd been so frustrated with on the bus. It had really good bones and a great hook. She used Johnny Cash as her imagery, so it wasn't a stretch to add a Johnny and June reference. She'd never compared the two of them to Johnny and June, but he had to wonder if that's what it was about.

He'd figured out a tag for her chorus – _I_ _wanna love like Johnny and June / Rings of fire burnin' with you / I wanna walk the line / Walk the line / Till the end of time_ – that he thought would work. He smiled to himself. She always told him the tag was the thing she least liked to write and she would almost always defer to him on that. He knew he was being a little presumptuous by adding it, but, if she hated it, she could leave it out. He'd also worked on the music and had done a quick demo for her to listen to.

He put both in an envelope and then stuck it back in his bag. Then he sat back and sipped on the club soda until they started their approach.

When he got to the hotel, he left the envelope at the front desk for her, with a note inside.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was already in the stands when Rayna walked up. She hadn't talked to him since they had left Milwaukee for Nashville, hadn't even talked to him before he drove out of the parking lot. The conversation she'd had with Tandy and the tension between herself and Teddy weighed on her. She still hadn't been able to figure out how much of her confusion over whether they needed to tell Deacon about Maddie had to do with her belief that keeping it from him was wrong and how much had to do with their relationship, so she had not brought it up again with Teddy.

She was starting to believe that telling Deacon wouldn't necessarily play out as neatly as she had told Teddy she thought it would. She had realized it would be messy, that it might not end the way she thought or hoped it would, and that she could destroy them all in the process. Her stomach had been tied up in knots ever since she'd left Tandy's. Every time she looked at Maddie, her heart broke for the situation they were in. Seeing Deacon now just confused things even more and made her anxious.

She walked down the row and sat one seat over from him. "Hey," she said. Every time she looked at him, these days, she was struck by how much better he looked. It reminded her of all those other times he'd manage to stay sober, and his eyes would be clear, his skin wouldn't be pasty, he looked clean and relaxed.

He smiled. "Hey."

She chewed on her nail for a second. "So thanks for working on the song. You didn't have to do that though," she said.

He shrugged. "I had some time. And you don't have to do nothing with what I changed. It's still a good song," he said.

"No, actually I liked it. And the music was great. I loved the Johnny and June reference. That was kind of genius." She smiled. "I'd love to put it on the album."

"It's your song, Ray."

She shook her head. "If I put it on there, I insist it's a co-write. At a minimum, you did the music, so you get credit for that."

He shrugged. "Whatever you want."

She looked over at him and smiled. She knew she would get what she wanted, and she did really love what he'd done with the song. "Okay, then, that's settled," she said. She sighed. "Ten more days."

He nodded. "You been happy with everything?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Bucky was right about bringing you back. Thanks again for agreeing."

He breathed in. "Rayna, you can always count on me."

* * *

San Diego was always one of her favorite tour stops. The weather was always great, the fans were fantastic and welcoming, and there was just always a good vibe. The first time she'd ever performed on the West Coast was in San Diego, on George Strait's tour. They had had a couple days of down time after the show and Deacon had suggested they cross the border into Mexico. They'd used most of their spare money to rent a car and stay in a rundown motel along the ocean in Rosarito.

It had been hot and the air conditioning unit in the room was operating on fan only. They had played the game they liked to play where they didn't know each other. It had ended with sweaty sex in a gas station bathroom. Afterwards, they'd written 'Postcard from Mexico', which had been one of her favorite songs to perform when she and Deacon were still together.

She was still restless after the show. She sat on the couch in her suite. She couldn't stop thinking about the trip to Mexico. Her body felt tingly and she knew she needed to stop this particular trip down memory lane. She was still wrestling with all the complicated emotions around what to do about Maddie and it was all getting mixed in with her feelings for Deacon.

" _In here," he commanded, nodding his head towards the bathroom door on the back of the old gas station. They were in the middle of nowhere, the gas station not heavily used, it appeared. She felt a little nervous about how isolated it was._

" _I don't know," she said._

 _He grabbed her arm and leaned into her ear. "_ _I_ _know," he whispered. She lowered her head and bit her lip. "You're a bad girl." She barely heard him but felt his hot breath on her neck._

" _I gotta go," she said._

" _You owe me something before you go," he said._

 _She breathed in. He gently pushed her towards the door and she didn't resist. He slid the key into the lock and opened the door. She walked in ahead of him. It was hot in the closed off room. The one window was almost completely covered except for a sliver of space where the light came in. She couldn't tell if it was clean or dirty, but right at that moment, she wasn't sure she cared. He shut the door and locked it and she felt herself shiver with anticipation._

 _He pressed her back against the wall and she gripped his arms. His eyes looked dark and menacing in the meager light and she ran her tongue over her lips, her breathing quick and shallow. He leaned against her and kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth. She moved her hands from his arms and started to unfasten his belt and work on his pants._

 _He groaned in her mouth and then turned her to face the wall. She balled up her fists against the tile and felt her cheek pressed flush against the wall. She was breathing hard and she could feel the sweat between her breasts and on her back. He slid his hands up her hips and then pulled her dress up and pushed down her panties._

 _She could feel herself start to slide down the wall as she pressed herself into him and he pushed into her._

She jumped up off the couch, feeling herself breathing heavily. She felt hot and she waved her hand in front of her face. She needed to cool off. She rubbed her hands over her jeans and breathed in slowly, then she found her room key and headed out.

* * *

It was after midnight and so there was no one else on the rooftop deck. Rayna was glad to be alone. She stood at the railing and looked out towards the ocean, closing her eyes and letting the ocean breeze flow over her, cooling her off. She opened her eyes when she heard footsteps and turned her head, watching as Deacon slowly made his way over towards her and stood next to her, although with appropriate space between them. She caught her breath.

"Hey," she said, looking up at him. Her nerve endings were suddenly on fire.

"Hey." He leaned against the rail, resting one foot on the bottom rung. He turned to look at her. "You're out late."

She nodded, looking back out towards the ocean. "You know me. I'm just so wired after a show."

He smiled. "Yeah, I remember."

She looked at him and smiled sheepishly. "You know, I was just thinking about the time we went to Mexico from here."

He nodded. "Yeah." He laughed then. "That motel was pretty bad, as I recall."

She grinned. "I think I got a rash from the sheets. Lord, they were like sandpaper."

He looked down at his hands and worked his lip. When he looked back up, he didn't look at her. "We had good times back then, Ray. I'm sorry I screwed that up."

She sighed. "I know," she said quietly. She turned towards him, leaning on her side. "I'm glad you came out on the tour, Deacon. I think it's been good for us, you know, to see each other in a new way." He just nodded. "I want you to know…you're still my family," she said, her voice almost a whisper. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

He looked over at her and she could see the longing in his eyes. They just stood, looking at each other, and, without really thinking about what she was doing, she pushed off the rail and took a step towards him. He turned towards her and put his hands on her arms. At first, she thought he was going to push her away, but he didn't, and she found herself taking another half step towards him. And then his lips were on hers and her hands moved to light gently on his waist as she pressed her lips against his. Almost before she knew it, his hands had moved to her neck and his fingers were threaded into her hair. Her arms encircled his waist and she laid her palms flat on his back. His tongue pushed into her mouth and she responded.

When he leaned in a little closer and she could feel his arousal right against her core, she pulled away and stepped back. He closed his eyes and breathed in. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Deacon," she said, her voice shaky. He opened his eyes. "It wasn't just you. But we can't…."

He nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Even though she knew it couldn't – shouldn't – she felt such despair and longing. She was so confused. Watty was right, she needed to take some time after the tour was over to really think about everything. She needed a clear head. She looked at him and nodded. "We'll just move on from here," she said.

He looked at her and she could see such pain in his eyes. He patted the railing. "I'm gonna go on in," he said and then he turned and walked back to the rooftop exit.

She wrapped her arms around herself and cried.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon avoided Rayna the next day. He got on the band bus early and closed himself up in the back suite, even though they were only driving to LA. He'd laid in his bed most of the night before, his eyes wide open, unable to turn off his brain. He would close his eyes, but all he could see was the look in hers, the look that said she wanted him. She had told him she'd been thinking about Mexico and he knew what that meant.

At one point, he'd sat up on the edge of the bed, talking himself down from getting up and going down to the bar for a drink. He hadn't been sure until he'd seen her on the rooftop deck, but now he knew she was fighting the thing between the two of them. He didn't know if it was loyalty to Teddy or love for Teddy that held her back, but it was driving him crazy.

He was starting to think working with her – _for_ her – again wasn't such a great idea and that he might need to quit her band at the end of the tour. That is, if she didn't fire him first.

* * *

He'd sat alone in the nosebleed section in LA. He wasn't really surprised, but he'd felt let down anyway. He knew he'd been the one to make the first move, but she hadn't stopped him. It almost felt like it had been leading up to that moment and yet, she still pulled away. He finally gave up on her joining him and walked back out to the mezzanine.

* * *

Everything about the show felt off. The audience wouldn't have been able to tell. Rayna sounded great, looked great, but he could see it. She was tense, stiff. They hardly looked at each other the entire night and she scarcely spoke to him. At the end of the show, she headed for the stairs and on to her dressing room so quickly that Bucky had to run to catch up with her.

Nothing had felt right and he was headed for yet another sleepless night when a knock came at his door at one o'clock in the morning. He was slouched on his bed, with his guitar across his lap, mindlessly picking at chords. When he heard the knock, he frowned. He set aside the guitar and walked over to the door, peering out through the peephole. He breathed out and then opened the door.

"Hey, Ray."

 _ **~nashville~**_

When she left the after party, Rayna got up the courage to go see Deacon. Things had felt so off on stage, although she didn't really think the crowd at the show noticed. Bucky had asked her about it, but she'd brushed it off as being delayed jet lag. She hadn't seen Deacon until they got on stage. She had skipped the nosebleed ritual for the first time in a long time, because she just couldn't face him then. But she felt like she needed to clear the air.

Travis had given her the room number, after she'd told him she wanted to drop off a new song for Deacon to take a look at. She had changed into a t-shirt and jeans after she'd gone back to the room. Maddie and Mia were fast asleep, as she took her room key, slid it in her back pocket, and let herself quietly out the door. She waited for the elevator and then rode down to the tenth floor. When she got off the elevator, she looked around and breathed a sigh of relief that there was no one in the hall. She turned left and headed for Deacon's room. When she got there, she stood for a moment, wondering if she should turn around and leave, but she reached out and knocked on the door, then stepped back and waited.

She could hear the muffled sound of footsteps on the carpet and then there was a moment of silence – she assumed he was looking out the peephole – before the door opened. "Hey, Ray," he said, looking a little surprised.

She gave him a tiny smile. "Hey," she said. "Can I come in for a sec?"

He stepped back. "Sure."

She entered the room and he followed her. She leaned against the wall. "I just wanted to, I don't know, clear the air, or something," she said.

He looked confused. "Are we fighting?" he asked.

She twisted her hands in front of her. "No, we're not," she said. "But, you know, what happened the other night. And tonight, it felt like, well, you know, it felt like things were…tense."

He leaned against the wall across from her, sliding one hand into his pocket. "We're past it, Rayna," he said, sounding weary. "It ain't nothing."

She was surprised at how disappointed she felt. "It's not?" she asked. "Because it didn't feel like it was nothing." He looked at her again, with confusion. "I mean, yes, we're past it, but it wasn't nothing, Deacon."

He made a face. "I don't know what you want me to do with that," he said.

She bit down on her lip. "I don't either." She breathed out, feeling tears in her eyes. "It's just all been so confusing, you know? And I'm just not sure…what to do about it."

He raised his eyebrows. "Ain't you just gonna take your daughter and go home to your husband and just be that?" he asked.

She wiped at her eyes. "There's just so much…it's just complicated, Deacon. It just is and it always is between us," she said.

He shook his head and then sat on the bed. He looked up at her. "You're either gonna have to uncomplicate it, Ray, or just forget about it." He looked at her as if waiting for her to say or do something.

She nodded and looked down at her hands. "Yeah, I do need to do that. I need to do some thinking about how things are, with us, and figure it out."

He looked at her for a minute. "What 'us', Rayna? Which 'us' are you talking about? 'Cause the only 'us' I thought there was was me being your bandleader."

She closed her eyes for a second. "You know, there's just always been this…connection between us. And we had those boundaries. And then, you know, we kind of crossed them." She looked back at him with a heavy heart.

"Do you wanna fire me, Rayna?" He didn't sound angry, but maybe kind of spent.

She looked at him. Then she looked around the room, realizing, maybe for the first time, that they were alone, in a hotel room, with a bed, in the middle of the night. And she wasn't at all prepared for that. She pushed off the wall. "No, I don't want to fire you, Deacon. That's not what this is. But…we're gonna have to talk at some point when we get back. About some things."

He looked puzzled again. "So, what, you came to warn me?"

She fought tears and shook her head. "No. I don't know. I mean, I just didn't want you to think that after what happened, that I was pushing you away."

He got up and walked towards her, putting his hands on her arms. "You should probably go. I mean, I'm wondering why you're really here and I just, well, I think you should go." He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "We're good, Ray. Okay?"

She looked up at him and she saw something in his eyes then that mirrored how she was feeling. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She could see him swallow and then he lowered his head and brushed her lips with his. She leaned into it, trying to hold him there, but he pulled back. "Deacon," she whispered.

He breathed in. "Go back to your room, Ray," he said, his voice low.

She stood looking at him for a moment, knowing that if she didn't, they would reach a point of no return. She finally stepped back and nodded. "Good night, Deacon," she said softly. "I'll see you tomorrow." Then she turned and let herself out of his room. She walked straight to the elevator and, once she got on and the doors had closed, she sank back against the wall and wondered what in the hell she was going to do now.

 _ **~nashville~**_

At the end of sound check in Seattle, Deacon and Rayna found themselves sitting on the edge of the stage. Since LA, things had felt unsettled between them. He wouldn't have said awkward or uncomfortable exactly, just not finished. It was almost as though neither one was quite prepared for the end, however that went. They had continued to meet for their ritual, although they were mostly quiet. They had still talked, but it was about the show or something she wanted to do differently. They were careful with each other, treating everything as though it were as fragile as it was. Whenever she would look at him or smile at him, he would see a wistfulness, a yearning, but also an uncertainty, exactly what he was feeling.

Now she was lightly tapping the back of her boot against the stage. He could see her fidget with her hands, the tenseness in her shoulders. She looked over at him and smiled, a little sadly. "Last show," she said softly.

He nodded. "Yeah." He looked out over the main floor seats. "Yeah," he said again. He looked at her. "What now?"

She looked away from him. "Home. Maddie's party. Some rest. And then start on the album," she said.

He sighed, but didn't say anything right away. "That ain't what I meant," he said finally.

She looked back at him. "I know," she said. She breathed in and then out. "I don't know. I think I need a little bit of time. Can you understand that?"

He nodded. "Yeah." He thought he understood. If it was a matter of choosing where her heart lay, he knew she had a lot more to consider than he did. Those two kisses had told him everything about where he thought her heart was, but he knew he'd have to give her space. He also knew he'd have to think about where it left him, if she chose to stay. He slid back and then drew his feet up and pushed himself up to a standing position. She looked up at him and he held out his hand. She took it and he helped her up. When she was standing in front of him, he breathed in and then put his hands in his pockets. "I love you, Rayna," he said. "Always have, probably always will. You don't gotta do nothing with that, but I just wanted you to know."

Then he walked off the stage.

* * *

He saw her, standing with Teddy and Maddie, on the opposite side of the baggage carousel at the Nashville airport. He couldn't tell her mood, although he noticed Teddy's angry glance his way. There was a part of him that wanted to smile, but he wouldn't do that to Rayna.

He wondered if she'd wait until after Maddie's birthday to talk to him. It occurred to him then that he actually didn't know when Maddie's birthday was, or at least he didn't remember. He remembered hearing about the day she was born and was surprised the date wasn't burned into his brain. He sighed as he watched the bags from the flight start to dump onto the moving carousel. They'd come a long way since that first day he'd showed up for rehearsal, back when she could hardly look at him and clearly wasn't sure she wanted him there.

Things weren't confusing for him, with respect to her. What he'd said was true – he loved her and probably always would. She was his family. She was music. She was everything. Without her, nothing meant anything. He felt a lump in his throat and he swallowed hard. Then he saw his bag and snatched it up, hurrying out of the airport as quickly as he could.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Teddy was waiting at the airport when they arrived. He had taken Maddie from her arms as soon as he saw them and Maddie had squealed with delight. Rayna smiled as she watched the two of them together. Teddy really had been a good father. And a good husband. If he hadn't been, it would have been much easier to have decided what to do. But he had stood by her and he had loved Maddie like she was his own and it was hard to discount that.

She saw Deacon out of the corner of her eye as he walked over to baggage claim. She and Teddy stood on the opposite side of the carousel, but she tried not to look at him, as she could sense Teddy's tension, which meant he'd seen him too. She was going to wait until after Maddie's birthday to deal with everything. When she'd told Deacon she needed time, she'd told him the truth. There was so much to consider and she needed to be sure that, above all else, she made the right decision for Maddie.

When he had told her, in Seattle, that he loved her, that he probably always would, she'd felt both a lightness and a joyfulness, but also an aching pain, not knowing exactly what to do. He hadn't had to tell her, she'd known it, but she knew it was true for her as well. _I love you, Deacon. Always have, always will._ She looked over at Teddy and he smiled, making her feel tremendously guilty. She reached out and rubbed his arm, then smiled at him. She turned then and walked a few steps away, afraid all her emotions were playing out on her face.

* * *

A porter put her suitcases on a cart and then she took Maddie from Teddy, so he could take the cart. As they headed out to the parking deck, she saw Deacon in the taxi line. It felt like her heart was breaking as she watched him. He seemed drawn into himself, something she knew only she would see. She bit her lip. There seemed to be something so inevitable about the two of them, that they were just inextricably tied. It wasn't the first time she'd thought that and she, even now, felt such a pull towards him. It would be far easier, she knew, to give in to it. To let it carry her away. But it was so much more complicated than even he knew and that was what caused her to hit the pause button.

She saw him get into a taxi and speed off. Tears filled her eyes. She had so very much to think about.

* * *

The day after Maddie's birthday party, Rayna drove out to the cemetery. As she drove, she thought about the party and smiled sadly. Maddie was the center of attention, as it should have been, but, of course, she was too young to understand it. She'd been fussy towards the end, finally wailing her displeasure at all the strange people who kept wanting to hold her or speak to her or touch her. Rayna had spent the whole afternoon thinking about Deacon, about the fact that he should have been there for his daughter's first birthday. It was something she'd never be able to give back to him.

She felt a tear escape down her cheek and she reached up to brush it away. It had been eating away at her, truthfully since this had all begun. But especially now that he was in her life again, in Maddie's life, however peripheral, it felt wrong and she felt so worn down by the pressure of keeping it a secret. _I'm not a liar. I've never been that. And yet, here I am, lying about the most important thing in my life to the most important person in my life. How do I live with this?_

When she got to the cemetery, she wound through the tree covered roads until she came to the Wyatt family plot. She turned off her car and got out, walking around to the well-tended plot. Her steps slowed as she approached the little bench that faced Virginia Wyatt's gravestone. She sat down and sighed. She'd been twelve, almost thirteen, when her mom had died. It had been sudden and painful and Rayna had felt so alone. Her mom had been her hero as a young girl and she had had a special relationship with her. They had both loved music – Virginia was the one who'd been behind her love for country music – and that was a bond that had been powerful and deep. Without her, Rayna had felt lost and adrift. Music had been the thing that had gotten her through it and she had often wondered if that was part of the reason she'd hung on so tenaciously to it and why that musical link with Deacon had been so all-encompassing.

She sat for a while, just thinking through all that had happened, ever since she'd first found out she was pregnant. Her emotions at that time, the decisions she'd made, the pressure she'd felt to deny Deacon. Her eyes grew wide and she caught her breath. "It wasn't really my choice, Mom," she whispered. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with grief and she started to cry. As she let all her sorrow go, she found herself wishing her mom could be there, sitting next to her, holding her hand and helping her decide what to do.

"I miss you so much, Mom," she said, her voice shaky. "I sort of feel like you would have told me that it was important to be true to myself, to be honest. I know it was a tough situation and Deacon and I had gone through so much pain together. But, you know, I can see that when he looks at Maddie today, even though he doesn't know she's his daughter, that he loves her. He would have done right by her, I know it. But I didn't feel like I had a choice. Teddy and Tandy, I know they were trying to help, but they told me to lie about the single most important thing in my life. It didn't really feel right, but I didn't know what else to do." She reached up and wiped the tears from her face. "I just really can't keep doing this. I don't want to do this, to Deacon or to Maddie. I know that the longer it goes on, the harder it will be, and all it will do is tear us all apart." She breathed in. "Deacon will be so angry, I just know he will. And I don't blame him. He's always trusted me and I can't believe I let anyone get me to do something I knew was so wrong, to break his trust that way." She felt the tears again. "But I was so scared, Mom, and I didn't know what the right thing was to do. All I wanted to do was protect my precious baby girl and now…well, now, I'm so twisted up inside from this that I can't stand myself."

She got up then and kneeled down in the grass in front of the marker, putting her hand on the cool granite. "Mom, I need to fix this. I can't keep doing this. I know you'd be telling me to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is. To be true to myself and what I know is right for my daughter. And for Deacon. For all of us, really. It's not fair for me to do this to myself or to Teddy. I just remember how unhappy you were and now I realize that it was because you weren't living the life you needed to live. You just wanted to be free and that's all I want. I'm not being myself right now and I need to fix that." She ran her fingers over the marker and smiled sadly. "I know that's what you'd tell me to do."

She stood up then and took a deep breath. This wouldn't be easy, but she was going to fix this, before it went any further. She turned and headed back for her car.


	11. Chapter 11

Teddy was going to be over at the house that afternoon. Rayna thought that was a stroke of good fortune. No sense having this conversation at home, with Maddie and Mia in the other room. As she drove the short distance to the construction site, she thought about the fact that the house would be another casualty of this web of deceit, but it was also just one more reason to stop this now. She was becoming exactly what she'd run away from, back when she was sixteen years old and chasing her dream.

She pulled down the drive towards the house. The iron fence was being installed. There would be a gate eventually, something to keep the uninvited out, Teddy had said. Something to keep them all safe and protected. She breathed in. When had she become so afraid that she had to lock everyone out? It was one thing to keep her daughter safe, but to lock out Deacon to do that didn't seem like the right choice anymore.

She parked her car next to Teddy's and got out. She walked into the foyer and looked up at the ceiling. She couldn't remember anymore how high that was, but it was certainly the showplace entrance. Then she looked at the grand staircase at the end of the long walkway. She remembered thinking it would be the perfect staircase for Maddie to walk down in a prom dress. Or a wedding dress. She sighed. She walked through the still unfinished kitchen and out the back door to the pool area. She saw Teddy with one of the contractors.

He turned as he heard her footsteps on the brick pavers. "Hey, honey," he said with a smile. "This is a surprise."

She squinted against the sun. "Can we talk for a minute?" she asked. "Alone, please?"

He looked puzzled. "Sure," he said, and looked at the contractor, who nodded and walked back towards the house.

She watched him as he made his way to the house and then went in the backdoor. She turned back to Teddy, who still looked puzzled. She put her hands on her hips and looked out over the hole in the ground that was to become the pool. "We should probably stop working on this," she said.

He stepped closer to her. "What?" he asked. "Why?"

"Well, because I'm not planning on living here." She turned and looked at him. "Although I suppose you're welcome to, if you like."

He frowned. "What are you talking about, Rayna? Of course we're going to live here."

She shook her head. "I don't think I can do this, Teddy," she said. "I don't want to hurt you, but I just can't do this."

He breathed in and turned away from her. "What can't you do, Rayna?"

She wrapped her arms around herself. Her stomach was all tied up in knots. "I can't go on pretending that Deacon isn't Maddie's father," she said. "Lying about it, actually."

He looked back at her and scowled. "Rayna, you promised…."

"I know. I did. And I meant it when I said it. Or I thought I did. But…."

"I knew you hiring Deacon back was a mistake."

She shook her head. "Hiring him back wasn't the mistake, Teddy, and you know that. It just accelerated the realization that what we tried to do was wrong." She swallowed. "What you did for me was noble and good, but it's not fair to any of us."

"I love Maddie, Rayna. She's my daughter." His eyes seemed to be begging her not to do this.

She nodded. "She is. But she has a right to know where she came from. And Deacon has a right to know too. I think what was good about this tour was that I got to see how hard he's worked at fixing his life. And I just can't lie to him anymore."

"He's going to hate you for it, Rayna. If you're thinking this is going to bring y'all back together…."

She shook her head. "I know, Teddy. I think he'll be very hurt and very angry. I'm not doing this for _me_. I'm doing it for Maddie. Just like when I married you. It was for Maddie."

"Don't do this, Rayna."

She looked down at her feet, then back up at him. "I have to, Teddy. I can't live with myself anymore. And I can't let you hold this over my head anymore." She sighed. "I hope you'll understand some day, but I can't let it go on like this. What happens ten or fifteen years from now? Maybe somehow Maddie finds out. She'll hate us. I can't let that happen to her. I can't even believe I did it for this long. I'm lying to my _child_. How much worse can it get?"

"Rayna…."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Teddy. I've made up my mind. I'm going to tell Deacon Maddie is his daughter and then we'll figure out what happens from there." She took a step back. "I'm going to get some things from the house for Maddie and me and then we'll go. I'll let you handle filing for divorce."

He had tears in his eyes as he looked at her, which surprised her. She had expected anger and threats. "I don't want you to leave, Rayna. I love you. I love Maddie. We can still be a family."

She smiled sadly. "I don't think we can, Teddy, that's the thing. None of this is really what I saw for myself. It was all built on a lie and that would just destroy us in the end anyway." He took a step towards her and she held up her hand. "Don't. Just let me go." She turned then and walked back to the house, retracing her steps all the way to the front door, tears trailing down her cheeks.

* * *

"I don't understand, babe," Tandy said, as she followed Rayna to the back bedroom. "I thought you were going to just let things stand." Rayna put the pack and play on the floor and opened it up. "Rayna, what are planning on doing?" Rayna got Maddie out of the car seat and moved her to the pack and play, tossing in several stuffed animals, a blanket and a pillow. Maddie scooped up the blanket and pulled it to her face, lying down on the mat. "Rayna…."

Rayna turned and glared at Tandy. "I told you already. I left Teddy. I'm going to tell Deacon about Maddie. I'm tired of all the lies and the manipulation that's been going on in my life. I'm ending it. Now." She walked towards the door.

Tandy reached out and grabbed her arm. Rayna whirled around and looked at her sister angrily. Tandy sighed. "Okay, I understand you've been under a lot of tension recently…."

Rayna pulled her arm away and started down the hallway. "Shut up, Tandy," she said. "Just shut up." She headed down the stairs, Tandy trailing after her. When they got to the bottom of the stairs, Rayna turned back to look at her sister. "I just need to be able to stay here for a few days, until I can figure things out. If I had someone else to go to, I would, but you're all I have. So can I count on you not to plot behind my back and act like your loyalty is elsewhere?" She raised her eyebrows.

Tandy looked insulted. "I can't believe you would even _think_ I'd put someone else ahead of my own sister," she said.

Rayna shrugged. "I don't know, Tandy. Weren't you first in line to try to talk me into marrying Teddy? Weren't you the one who told me to lie to the father of my child? Hide his daughter from him? Maybe for her whole life? Wasn't that _you_?" She scowled. "I hate having to rely on you right now, but I don't have another choice."

Tandy sighed. "I was just trying to help you, sweetie. You were such a wreck then and Deacon was, well, he was a mess. As you well remember." Rayna looked away. "He _was_. You know that. Maybe it wasn't the best plan, but it gave you some time, right?"

"It was still wrong, Tandy," Rayna said. "And now I have to go try to fix it."

"Right now?"

Rayna looked at her. "Yes. Right now. I don't want one more day to go by without me telling him. So I'm going to go over there now and, however long it takes, I'm going to take care of it."

Tandy looked at her for a moment, then pulled her into a hug. "I love you, sweetie," she whispered fiercely into Rayna's ear. "And no matter what, I am here for you."

Rayna pulled away and nodded. Then she picked up her purse and keys and walked out the front door.

* * *

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then got out of the car. It was already dark, but she saw the lights on inside Deacon's house. She hesitated, then started up the walkway. She walked up the steps to the porch, took another deep breath, and knocked on the door.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon had spent the day at the cabin, fishing. He hadn't been there in a while, but he had felt the need to get away. It had been the perfect day for fishing. The sun was out but it wasn't too hot. The breeze was light and the water was calm. It had been perfect, except he hadn't caught any fish. He smiled to himself as he drove back to Nashville. He'd really needed the getaway. He'd spent too much time dwelling on how things had gone at the end of the tour and where things stood between him and Rayna. He hadn't heard from her at all since they'd been back and he didn't know if that was good or bad.

It was dusk when he got back to his house. He got everything out of the back of the truck and walked up the steps. After he'd put away his gear, he went to the kitchen and heated up a can of ravioli. He settled in on his couch and turned on the TV to 'The Drew Carey Show'. He'd just finished his dinner when he heard a knock on his door. He frowned, then set his dish on the table and turned off the TV. He walked over to the door and, through the sheer curtain covering the glass, he could see it was Rayna.

He opened the door, surprised to see her there. She looked up at him, but he couldn't read her expression. "Hey, Ray. What's up?" he said.

She took a beat. "Can I come in?"

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon looked surprised when he opened his door. "Hey, Ray," he said. "What's up?"

Rayna breathed in. "Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," he said, and stepped back so she could come in.

She walked in and looked around. She hadn't been in this house since she'd left more than two years ago. This had been their home and she had so many memories here. She couldn't help but notice that not much had changed. Deacon was such a creature of habit, that she wasn't really surprised.

She turned back to him, her stomach turning somersaults. He looked wary. "Can we sit down?" He nodded. They sat on the couch and then she moved closer to him, taking his hands in hers. "I need to tell you something and I really would like for you to listen to me before you say anything."

He looked at her and breathed in, then nodded. "I know what you're gonna say," he said.

She shook her head. "No, I don't think you do." He frowned. "You know, as long as I've known you, I've felt like we were such a part of each other. You understood me in a way no one else did. You always seemed to know how I was feeling, what I was thinking. But I finally closed myself off from you, because I just couldn't deal with the pain."

He bit his lip. "I never meant to cause you that pain. You know, if I could do it all over again…."

She nodded. "I know. But…I just, well, I was just so tired, Deacon. I felt like I needed something different in my life."

He raised his eyebrows. "Teddy."

She shrugged. "Well, part of it was Teddy. But it was really that I needed peace in my life." She took a deep breath. "When I found out I was pregnant, I was probably at my lowest point. You were so out of control, the worst I'd ever seen you, and I was really so scared. For you, for me. For all of us."

He looked confused. "We weren't even together then, Rayna. You'd already broken up with me."

She tilted her head slightly to one side and breathed in. "That last part was true. Mostly. But you had come to see me one day, after we'd broken up, and you seemed really good. I hadn't seen you in a while, but you were doing some session work for I don't remember who, and I was at the studio that day listening to some tracks. I guess you heard I was there and you came looking for me. Do you remember that?"

She could see pain in his eyes. "I ain't sure," he said, his voice breaking.

She felt tears in her eyes. "Well, I guess since I hadn't seen you in a while, I didn't notice anything. Or maybe I didn't want to notice anything. You seemed good and we talked and…it just felt good." She ran her tongue over her lips. "Deacon, I've kept something from you and I've agonized about it ever since. I really thought I was doing the right thing, and maybe, at first, I was sure it was, but now I'm not. And I can't do it anymore. I can't keep something this important from you." She could feel the tears welling up and spilling over. Deacon looked so confused. "Being on tour with you made me realize I had to fix what I messed up."

He shook his head. "I don't understand." She pulled her hands from his and buried her face in them, her shoulders shaking with her tears. She felt Deacon's hands on her knees. "Ray," he whispered.

She looked up at him and steeled herself. "We went to the cabin, and we had a wonderful night, but the next morning you were drunk, and you didn't remember much about the night before. So I took your keys and I left you there. That's when Cole came and took you to rehab."

He shook his head in confusion. "I remember going, but I don't remember you…."

"I know you don't. But I was there."

He looked at her. "I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?"

Her stomach hurt. Her head hurt. She squeezed her hands together in her lap. "That was the night I got pregnant," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

His eyes widened. "What?" He swallowed and she willed him to stay calm. "You mean, Maddie's mine?" She nodded. He breathed in sharply, then stood up, putting his hands on his head and pacing in front of the fireplace. Then he turned back to her. "So you just decided not to tell me before?" She could hear the anger starting to rise in his voice. "You just decided to marry Teddy Conrad and pass her off as his?"

She stood up, twisting her hands in front of her. "Please listen to me first," she begged.

He threw his arms out to the side, his eyes blazing. "Why, Rayna?" he shouted. "So you can tell me more lies?"

She grabbed his arm. He tried to shake her off, but she held tight. "Please," she cried. "Please. Let me explain."

He took a deep breath. She could see he was still angry, but at least he didn't try to walk away. "So explain."

She breathed in and out. "It was a mistake. I made a bad decision," she said, as calmly as she could, but she could hear her voice shaking badly. "I went to tell you. Tandy took me to the cabin to find you, after you'd checked yourself out of rehab."

He narrowed his eyes. "So your _sister_ told you not to tell me?"

" _I_ made the decision. Not right then, but Deacon, you were trashing the place. You were drinking and out of control. I couldn't tell you then anyway." That seemed to deflate him a bit, so she continued. "I should have told you later. But I didn't. I sent you to rehab instead."

He ran his hands over his face. "When did you know?"

"We did a paternity test after she was born."

He sighed. "So you weren't sure?"

"Not a hundred percent."

"Why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew?"

"You'd just gotten out of rehab. It didn't seem like it would be a good idea to throw something like that at you right then, when you needed to focus on staying sober. But I don't know anymore, Deacon. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and for Maddie, but I feel like I've just made such a mess now."

He was pacing and he stopped. "Why now?"

She looked up at him and sighed. "Having you back in my band. On the tour. I just couldn't wait."

He frowned. "And yet you did. We been back how long now? A week? Longer? And you waited til after her birthday, right? Just one more thing you keep from me."

She started to cry again. "I'm sorry. So sorry. How can I make it right?"

"I don't know, Rayna!" he shouted. "I don't even know what to do with this right now. I mean, you walk in my house and you tell me we got a kid together who, by the way, you been passing off as someone else's because, what, you're _embarrassed_ of me?"

She stood up. "No! That's not it at all!" she shouted back. "I never said that and you know it. I was scared, Deacon. Scared! What was I supposed to do, tell you while you were drunk in a bar? Or smashing up the cabin? Or drying out in rehab? When? And for all I knew you could have come home after the _fifth_ try at rehab and gone out and gotten drunk."

He got in her face. "But I didn't, did I? I stayed sober, I held it together. Hell, Rayna, I got to _know_ your baby. The one who was someone else's. I thought." He turned away. "I held her for you. I played with her. She _walked_ to me." He sat down then in a club chair and leaned forward, his head in his hands and started to cry.

She was shaking as she watched him, but she walked over and sat on the edge of the coffee table nearest him. "Deacon, I want to make it right," she said quietly.

He finally looked up at her and she could see the pain and hurt in his eyes. "Why did you hire me back? Why did you let me be around her every single day and not tell me before?" he asked.

She felt tears in her eyes again and wiped at them. "I didn't plan it, Deacon, you know that. And I didn't really know how it would go. It's why I'm telling you now though."

His eyes got dark and steely then. He stood up. "I want you to get out, Rayna," he said.

She felt a chill run up her spine. "No, Deacon."

He leaned towards her. "Get. Out." His voice was chilling, the anger in his eyes pure and unequivocal.

She stood her ground. "I'm not going anywhere," she said.

He shrugged. "Suit yourself." Then he stalked into his bedroom and slammed the door. She heard the lock turn and she sank back down on the couch, tears streaming down her face. She was determined to wait him out, however long it took.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When he finally came out of his room, it was approaching midnight. He saw Rayna still on the couch, but she was laying on her side with her legs slight drawn up, one arm across her waist, her other hand in a fist under her cheek. She was snoring softly. His heart hurt, watching her. A part of him knew it had taken a lot of courage for her to finally come clean with him, but he was still too hurt by her betrayal to let it go. He could feel tears in his eyes as he thought about what he'd lost, not knowing Maddie was his. He thought about how Rayna had kissed him, in San Diego and again in LA, and he didn't know how she could have done that, holding onto the secret of Maddie.

He breathed in and then he took a blanket off the club chair and laid it gently over her. Then he walked over to the front door, quietly opened it and walked outside, pulling the door closed behind him. He sat down on the top step and looked out into the darkness, wondering what to do next.

His whole world had just been turned upside down and he had no idea how to handle that.

* * *

He heard the door open, but he didn't turn. Her brisk footsteps came across the porch and she sat down next to him, sliding her arm through his and leaning her head on his shoulder. He looked at her briefly and then back out towards the street.

"I was afraid you'd left," she said, finally, her voice small and thready.

"Huh," he said, and smiled sarcastically. "You still don't trust me."

She sighed and sat up, pulling her arm away. She wrapped her arms around her waist. "Well, you know as well as I do that your pattern is to get gone when things get tough. Can you blame me for wondering?"

He worked his lip and then he sighed. "I thought you said you was proud of me, Rayna. Getting sober. Staying sober."

She looked at him then. "I _am_ proud of you, Deacon. But I also have known you a very long time and I have gone through things with you and this is probably the biggest. We put each other through a lot of pain over the years, but this, well, I don't even know how you feel about it. I mean, you've told me what you think about _me_ , but I don't know how you feel about knowing you're Maddie's father."

He lowered his head. He'd been so tied up in being angry and hurt and feeling betrayed that he hadn't really thought about that part. "Truth is, I don't know, Ray. I don't think it's sunk in yet." He turned to look at her. "You let me get to know her, without telling me. I mean, I get that I was a mess when you first found out you were pregnant, but why'd you wait? Why'd you let me be around her, without telling me?"

A tear streaked down her cheek and his instinct was to wipe it away, but he made himself not do that. "I'd made a promise," she said. "A foolish one, but I didn't know I'd have to deal with it so soon." She sighed. "I knew being around you would make it hard. And it was. Which is why I'm here now."

He lowered his head again. "You wanna know how I feel about being Maddie's daddy," he said, with a sigh.

"I do."

He turned to look at her, emotions welling up inside of him that he couldn't name. "Overwhelmed, shocked…humbled," he said. "I remember holding her that first time, right before we left for the tour." He bit his lip, fighting back his own tears. "It makes my heart hurt, Ray, knowing I was holding my daughter and I didn't know."

"Mine does too," she whispered. "What do you want to do now, though?"

He looked away and breathed in. "I want to know her. I want her to know me."

"As her father?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

He could see out of the corner of his eye that she was crying. "Good," she choked out. "I do too."

"Don't you need to get home to her?" he asked, suddenly realizing how late it was.

She shook her head. "She's at Tandy's."

He frowned. "Not with Teddy?"

She looked over at him. "Teddy and I aren't together anymore." He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "He and I, well, we disagreed on this thing, as you might imagine. It will be a little complicated to untangle, but it'll be easier this way."

"What does all that mean, Rayna? You not with Teddy, untangling things?" he asked.

She ran her tongue over her lower lip. "Well, you know, I told you I needed to figure some stuff out. Maddie was the biggest part, but it was more than that, really. I was just, you know, not feeling like myself. I felt like I was living a life that was exactly what I ran away from. I just wasn't feeling like me." She breathed in. "I told him to file for divorce."

He nodded. "So where does he fit into all this? I'm sure he ain't giving up Maddie without a fight."

She smiled ruefully. "I don't really know what he'll do. He was very hurt. But he's not in a strong position here. Once we can establish your paternity, we can get her birth certificate changed." She sighed. "He may try to fight it, but, you know, he's not her biological father." She looked at him. "Deacon, I want Maddie to grow up knowing she's loved and cherished and that she's safe. That we'll protect her. Can you do that?"

He frowned. "I would never hurt her."

She breathed in. "You're an alcoholic. A recovering one, I'll give you that, but it hasn't been all that long. And I need you to keep in mind that she needs you to stay that way. She's gonna grow up looking up to you, watching you, counting on you." She looked down at her hands. "What scared me the most was that you wouldn't be able to do that. Actually, that you would _want_ to, but you couldn't."

He breathed out. "I'll do whatever I have to for her. I'll be the man you need me to be."

She took a deep breath. "Deacon, I want you to stay in my band, so you can spend as much time with her as you want. I know it might be uncomfortable for us, at least at first, but I hope we can figure it out. For her sake."

He frowned. "What, so you can prop me up? Keep an eye on me?" He was still angry, not completely ready to let her off the hook.

She shook her head and frowned back at him. "No, of course not, Deacon. To help you to know what to do." She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, they were filled with sorrow. "I want us to raise her up together. She's _our_ daughter and I want her to have both of us."

He shook his head. "I ain't ready for that…."

"I don't mean anything other than just raising her up as parents together." She lowered her head. "I know you're angry with me. Maybe you even hate me right now." She looked back at him. "I don't really blame you. But she'll always be our daughter and I want her to see us loving her together. No matter what happens for you and me." She bit her lip. "I still love you, Deacon. That's just never not been true. But I'm not here for that. I'm here for Maddie. So you don't have to worry about that." She breathed out and then stood up. "I guess I'm done with what I came here for." She looked at him carefully. "You gonna be okay?"

He stood up and leaned against the porch column. "I ain't gonna drink, if that's what you mean," he said, bristling.

She nodded. "Good." She walked down two steps, then turned back. "Call me, Deacon, when you need me. I want this to work, for all of us. I'll help you, so please don't let your anger get in the way of that. I want you to be a good father to Maddie. I _need_ you to be. So I'll do whatever I can."

He nodded. "Thanks." He wasn't sure how this would end up working, but he knew he didn't know how to be a father, wasn't at all sure his instincts would be good ones, so he knew he'd have to rely on her, whether he wanted to or not. She turned and headed down the steps. "Rayna!" he called after her. She turned back. "Thank you for telling me."

She nodded. "Um, can I bring her by tomorrow? Or, I guess it's later today now."

"I'd like that."

She smiled then. "Okay. I'll call you before I come." Then he watched her walk the rest of the way down the walk and out to her car. He continued to watch as she headed down the street and even after he could no longer see her.

He sat back down on the porch step. _I got a daughter. Maddie is my daughter._ He felt terrified. Then he felt like he needed a drink. But he focused then on what Rayna had said. _I want us to raise her up together. She's our daughter and I want her to have both of us._ This would be the real test of his sobriety, but as he thought about holding Maddie in his arms and how that had felt, he knew he'd do everything in his power to not let her down.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna kept thinking she should turn around and go back to Deacon's. She worried about leaving him alone. Bars and liquor stores were closed, but it didn't mean he didn't have a stash somewhere they hadn't found. She'd seen something, though, in his eyes, a determination, and she was counting on that. He needed to stay sober for himself, she knew that, but she wanted desperately to believe he would understand how important it was not to falter, for Maddie's sake. He wasn't completely wrong when he'd accused her of wanting to keep him in her band to keep an eye on him. She did. It wasn't much different from all those years she'd stayed, hoping to keep him safe.

There had been a level of commitment she'd seen this time, though, that she hadn't seen before. He'd had to do it this time without her, knowing she was committed elsewhere, believing she'd moved on. It was also true, though, that when the going got tough, he got gone. He'd been unreliable and undependable, even when he wasn't drinking. He wouldn't be able to do that with Maddie. So she did want to keep him close, to make sure he could be the father their daughter deserved.

When she got to Tandy's, she crept up the stairs, trying not to make any noise. She slowly opened the door to the back bedroom and checked on Maddie, sleeping soundly in the pack and play. She would take her to see Deacon, for the first time as her father. She closed her eyes. _I love you so much, Deacon. I hope one day you'll forgive me for this._

She took a last look at Maddie and then left the room, closing the door behind her. She went into the guest room and laid down on the bed, not turning down the covers or taking off her clothes and fell into a surprisingly deep sleep.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He couldn't sleep, after Rayna left. Now that she was gone, his feelings towards her were surprisingly mixed. He was angry and hurt, certainly. He felt betrayed. She was the one person he'd always trusted and to know that she'd kept this from him for well over a year was hard to wrap his mind around. _I still love you, Deacon. That's just never not been true._ But then there was that, and he knew it was true. He'd seen it in her eyes, felt it when her lips were against his. He didn't know what to do about that, though.

He turned his thoughts to Maddie then, although it scared him to think about being a father. He remembered the first time he'd seen her, the day before they left on tour. He'd seen something in Rayna's eyes that day, on her face, when he'd held the little girl. Now he understood what it was. The way she'd burst into tears when Maddie walked on the bus. That wistfulness she always seemed to have when Maddie gravitated to him. Now he knew.

He still was angry to have missed so much. To not have seen Rayna pregnant with their daughter. To not have been there when she was born. To have missed out on all the moments that Teddy had had with her. He thought back to what she'd said, about finding him at the cabin, trashing it, drunk and out of control. He dropped his head, ashamed. He _had_ been a mess then, certainly not a man she'd want to be the father of her child.

He thought about his own childhood. He never remembered getting a kind or loving word from his father, an angry, bitter, abusive alcoholic. Never a hug or an atta-boy, never learned any life lessons. He'd had no role model for how to be a father. His mother had tried, but she'd been so beaten down herself that she'd had little left for her children. One thing he knew he would never do was hit Maddie. He and Beverly had always lived in fear of that and it was the one thing he knew he would promise his daughter, that he would love her and protect her, not make her afraid of him.

He figured Teddy was probably the perfect father and that got him mad all over again. Rayna had picked someone to be Maddie's father who was probably the father who knew exactly what to do. How to change a diaper or dress a baby, how to soothe her when she was hurt or angry. He probably knew lullabies and all those things a father should do for his child. He rubbed his face with his hands, thinking he'd never learn all those things.

Rayna wanted him to stay in her band. To help him, she'd said. To raise Maddie up together. He wasn't sure how working together would be. It had been hard enough when he was trying to keep all his feelings inside, but now things would be different. They'd have to work closely together for Maddie all the time, not just to stand on stage for two and a half hours each night. He wasn't sure how it would work, but, now that he knew about Maddie, he didn't want to not be part of her life.

It occurred to him that this was like Scarlett. He loved Scarlett unconditionally. He hated not being there for her, to help her through the difficult life she had to lead. He wanted to protect her, take care of her, wrap her up in his arms and tell her everything would be okay. It's how he felt about Maddie now. He wanted to hold her in his arms and keep her safe.

He wanted a drink. Badly. This was exactly the kind of situation that made him want to run. It was overwhelming to think about. But getting drunk would put him right back in the situation that got him here in the first place. Rayna hadn't wanted him to know because he was a drunk and didn't deserve to be a father. Now she did and he was either going to step up or prove she was right all along. More than anything, though, he didn't want to disappoint that beautiful little girl, the one who always squealed with excitement when she saw him. So he thought again about how hungover felt and reminded himself he didn't want to feel that way ever again.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I love that you're loving the story as much as I do writing it. Now that Rayna's gotten over the hump of telling Deacon, the real work begins, and she'll find that, as focused as she was on telling him the truth, she's got some unexpected hurdles to overcome._

Rayna was startled awake by the hand on her shoulder. She rose up part way, blinking against the muted sunlight coming through the plantation blinds, and looked into the face of her sister. She searched Tandy's face for anything that would tip off her mood, but Tandy's face was neutral. "Hey," Tandy whispered. "What time did you get in last night?"

Rayna sat up and yawned. "It was more like this morning," she said. "After one." She looked around. "What time is it now?"

"Seven-thirty." Rayna tried to get up but Tandy pushed her back. "I already took care of Maddie. She's in the kitchen eating Cheerio's." Tandy smiled then. "She seemed happy to see her Aunt Tandy this morning."

Rayna smiled. "Well, of course she would be." She sighed then. "I know you're angry with me…."

Tandy shook her head. "Not angry," she said. "I might not completely agree with what you did, but I'm not angry." She looked at Rayna carefully. "How did it go?"

Rayna breathed in. "It could have been better, I guess, but it went like I thought. He was angry and hurt and felt betrayed. By me." She got a little teary then. "But he wants to be Maddie's father. And that's the important thing."

"What about the two of you?"

Rayna shook her head. "I think we're a long way from that. I don't think he's ready to forgive me yet. If ever. I asked him to stay in my band, but he really didn't answer that. But he wants to be involved with Maddie. That's what's important." Just then there was the sound of something hitting the floor and then a frustrated cry from Maddie. Rayna quickly got up from the bed. She made a face. "My daughter calls," she said, and hurried down the stairs.

* * *

She waited until late morning to call Deacon. When he answered, she said, "Hey. It's me."

"Hey," he said.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. Just a lot to think about."

"I know." She waited a second. "I was thinking about bringing Maddie over. Is now a good time?"

He hesitated a second. "Yeah, sure," he said, finally.

"Okay. We'll be there soon." She hung up and breathed in and out to calm herself. Then she went to get Maddie.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon hung up the phone with Rayna. He felt nervous, not just about seeing Maddie, but about seeing her. As he'd laid in bed, wide awake, he'd thought back to the time when she would have gotten pregnant. Even before that, their lives together had been difficult. He'd been drinking for as long as he could remember, but it seemed like over time it had just gotten worse. All Rayna had ever done was try to help him and take care of him and she had always been there for him, until it got so bad she couldn't. After Vince had died, things had gotten out of control, and he'd watched himself make a mess out of his life and he'd watched Rayna try to pull him back from the edge, but she couldn't.

He'd lost days and weeks of time, back then. Obviously, it was during one of those times that they'd been together and it tore him up inside to not remember. He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes against the tears. He didn't want to hate her, but he hated what she'd done. He leaned forward then, his face in his hands. He thought about how things had been on the tour. He thought about San Diego and about her being in his hotel room in LA and that last day in Seattle. He thought all she was struggling with was her feelings for him. But it was so much more, he now knew.

It would take a while for him to get past this, but he knew he needed her right now. He had no idea how to be a parent, especially of a baby, and he would need her. He had no idea if they could ever repair the damage to trust. But she was his family, and he loved her, so he knew at some point they'd find a middle ground. They were forever linked now, through their daughter, and somehow they'd need to figure out how to be whatever it was they were going to be together.

Right now, though, he was still angry and hurt. He needed to figure out how to put it aside for Maddie, but it wouldn't be easy, he didn't think. He looked up then and took a deep breath. They would be here soon, so he got up and went to wash his face. As he looked in the mirror at himself, he wondered if he looked different, somehow. Did he look like a father now? Did he look like someone who could love and protect his baby girl? Could he figure out a way to take care of her and be the daddy she deserved?

He sighed and then he dried his face. When he walked back out to the living room, he could see Rayna coming up the steps. He could see Maddie in her arms. _My daughter._ He felt a brief sense of panic. _Can I do this? Can I be who she needs me to be?_ He took a deep breath and then he reached out and opened the door.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As she walked up the steps with Maddie, the front door opened. She looked up and saw Deacon walk out. Maddie had her fingers in her mouth, but when she saw Deacon, she pulled them out and squealed excitedly, waving her arm at him. He smiled at the little girl, a genuine smile, but she also saw some tears rimming his eyes as they approached him. She smiled as Deacon reached his hands out for Maddie and their daughter lunged for him.

When he had Maddie in his arms and had kissed her gently on the cheek, he looked back at Rayna. "Come on in," he said, and she followed. When they got inside the house, she wished she had brought more of Maddie's things. She had brought a couple stuffed animals, but Maddie lost interest in them quickly.

Rayna looked at him apologetically. "I didn't think to bring more things for her to entertain herself with. It's kind of hard with a one year old, to keep them occupied."

He was holding Maddie on his lap and, for the moment, she seemed content. "It's okay," he said. He would touch Maddie gently, as though he thought she might break, and he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. He looked back at Rayna. "Maybe you could give me a list. Things I should have here for her."

Rayna breathed in. "You mean, like toys and stuff? Or do you…want to keep her overnight?"

He blanched. "Uh, I don't know if I'm ready for that. But something she might like, to keep her occupied, as you say."

She nodded. "Sure. I can do that." She cleared her throat. "Do you want to work out some kind of schedule?"

He looked puzzled. "Schedule?"

"For seeing her. I mean, do you want me to bring her over and drop her off with you? Or how do you want to work that?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I thought we were doing this together. Like you said." She was surprised at that, but then she reminded herself that he didn't know how to take care of a child. "I just thought you'd bring her and we could do it together."

She nodded and smiled. "Yeah, we can do that. We'll work it out." She breathed a silent sigh of relief.

Maddie wanted to get down then, but she latched on to Deacon's hand and he got up and let her lead him around as she practiced walking. She was getting better at it every day and he was smiling as Maddie gripped his fingers tightly to keep herself steady. Rayna felt her heart in her throat as she watched the two of them, feeling better about her decision to tell him. Just then he looked at her. "Oh, yeah, I'll stay in your band," he said, then turned his attention back to Maddie.

She closed her eyes in a thankful prayer.

* * *

When Maddie started yawning, Deacon ran out and got her car seat from Rayna's car and brought it in. Rayna got her settled into the car seat for a nap and covered her with a blanket. Within minutes, Maddie was sound asleep. Rayna looked over at Deacon. "You should probably get her something to sleep in," she said. "A pack and play would work fine and it does double duty as a play pen." She could see he looked confused and she smiled. "It's like a portable crib, sort of. You know, like I had on my bus."

He nodded. "What else should I have?"

She thought about it. "Maybe a little dresser for some clothes. It would probably be good to have some here, just in case."

He frowned. "In case what?"

She smiled. "Babies get sick, they have diarrhea, they get dirty." He looked a little horrified and she laughed. "You'll get used to it."

He nodded and looked a little pensive, then looked back at her. "You really left Teddy?" he asked.

She raised her eyebrows, a little surprised he'd brought it up. She nodded. "Yeah."

He frowned. "But I thought he was, you know, the perfect dad. The perfect husband."

She looked away. "It's more complicated than that, Deacon."

He made a noise, almost like laughter, but not really. "Seems like everything is complicated, Rayna," he said.

She looked back at him. "Probably because it is," she said, a little defiantly. He just stared at her and finally she took a deep breath. "He's a good man, Deacon. I know you don't want to hear that, but he felt bad for me when I felt like I was in a place where I didn't have any options." He dropped his head then. "I'm not saying what we did was right. But I was pregnant, Deacon, and alone. And scared." She could feel the tears in her eyes then. "It wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't think I had any other choice. We'd caused each other so much pain and you were still in that place, you know." She breathed in and wiped her eyes. "He loved her, Deacon, even though he knew she wasn't his, he loved her like she was. And I know you can't see it now, but I hope one day you'll understand that it was a gift."

He looked up at her then, anger in his eyes. "I don't know if I'll ever think some other man raising my baby girl is a gift," he said.

She held her hands out, palms up. "How can I help you get through this and understand this?" she asked.

He made a face and shrugged. "I don't know if you can," he said, and it made her heart hurt to hear him say it.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Cole was sitting on the front steps with Deacon the next morning. He shook his head. "I had no idea, Deacon," he said. "I was like everybody else and just assumed she was Teddy's." He looked over at Deacon. "I had no idea the two of you had been together then."

Deacon rubbed his face with his hands. "Well, I didn't either," he said. "It was during that time when it got really bad."

"When you had the blackouts?" Cole asked, and Deacon nodded. "So where do things stand now?"

Deacon breathed in. "When she decided to tell me, she broke up with Teddy, so she and me, we're figuring out how to be parents together. That's what she wants."

"What do _you_ want, Deacon?"

Deacon sighed. "I wanna be a daddy to my baby girl. And I wanna try and do a good job." He smiled then, a little sadly. "You know, I got to see her walk for the first time. I mean, I didn't know I was supposed to be proud, but I was. She pulled herself up in that bus and she took a couple steps, right to me." His smile faded. "I missed everything else in her life, but I got that."

"What about you and Rayna?"

"Ain't nothing between us right now."

"You need to be careful, Deacon. It would be easy to fall back into those old patterns, now that you have Maddie together."

Deacon scowled at him. "I ain't falling back into old patterns, Cole. She betrayed me and I ain't sure I can't get past that."

Cole nodded thoughtfully. "Just be careful."

* * *

When Rayna arrived with Maddie that afternoon, she pointed at her car. "I brought her pack and play, if you want to get that for me. And there's a box with some clothes in it, for you to keep." This time, Maddie had her head tucked into Rayna's shoulder, one finger in her mouth. He raised his eyebrows and Rayna smiled apologetically. "She's a little late for her nap, so she's been kind of cranky." She bit her lip. "I hate to tell you this, but she's a little mouthy, like me."

He couldn't help but laugh a little at that. "Well, let me go get that stuff from your car," he said, and he hurried past her, down the steps.

When he got back into the house and Rayna had shown him how to set up the pack and play, he'd tried to take Maddie from her, but she turned away and snuggled closer into Rayna. He felt unexpectedly hurt by that. Rayna put Maddie down and covered her with a blanket, then walked over to where he was standing by the fireplace. "Don't take it personally," she said. He looked at her. "When she's tired or she's not feeling well, she's a real mama's girl. She won't go to anyone else. But when she wakes up, she'll be all sunshine and she'll go right to you."

He still felt a little hurt, but he supposed it could be true. He hated that he was questioning everything she said to him anymore. He took a deep breath. "You want some tea?" he asked.

She smiled. "Sure. That would be nice."

He walked into the kitchen and got two glasses, then filled them with ice and iced tea. He carried them back into the living room, where she was sitting on one end of the couch. He hesitated just a moment and then set the glasses down and sat at the other end of the couch. He glanced over at the pack and play and then back at her. "I thought I could set things up for her in the back bedroom," he said. Back in the days when she had lived here in this house, she'd used that bedroom as a closet of sorts, storing boots and shoes and some of her cast off stage outfits.

She nodded. "I think that's perfect." She smiled a little. "My old room." She sipped at her tea, then set it down and folded her hands in her lap. "So, a couple things I think I need to talk to you about." He raised his eyebrows. "We've still got some time, another couple weeks, before we need to start rehearsal for the album. I still don't have all the songs nailed down, so I hope you're still willing to help with that."

He breathed in and then nodded. "Sure," he said.

She smiled. "Great. Um, Bucky has some more demos for me and, you know, I'm still trying to write some. Although that's not going particularly well." She rubbed her palms on her jeans. "So Bucky and I are meeting tomorrow morning and I, uh, I really think I need to tell him about, you know, this." She waved her hand towards Maddie. "Are you okay with me doing that?"

He hadn't really thought about the fact that things would change for _her_ , not just him. He frowned. "What's your plan about all this?" he asked, not really answering her question. "I mean, what happens now? Publicly?"

She looked thoughtful. "I haven't really thought it all the way through, but obviously, once Teddy files for divorce, that'll become public knowledge. If you're asking about Maddie, I guess I'd let you decide if you want me to say something or not. The Bucky piece is because he's my manager and he just needs to know what's going on. He would manage any PR on my end and he'll need to know how to respond to questions."

He had definitely not thought about all the PR implications of this. He worked his lip for a minute. "I'm okay about Bucky," he said. "The rest, I guess I just ain't got my mind wrapped around all this yet."

"I don't think we have to do anything else now, but once the divorce becomes public, it will likely raise questions. We'll need to be prepared."

He frowned. "Teddy ain't gonna try to keep Maddie, is he?"

She shrugged. "He might." He scowled. "I told you he probably wasn't going to just go away quietly."

"Has he seen her?"

She shook her head. "Since I left, no, but it's only been a couple days. I'm going to suggest that he not. I don't want to confuse her. I mean, she's a baby and she doesn't understand all this, but she needs to have that bond with you now." She sighed. "I don't know how Teddy's gonna react to that, but we'll figure it out. I'm hoping he'll be civilized about it."

He nodded. "Okay." He leaned forward then and rubbed his face with his hands. Then he looked over at her. "I don't know nothing about being a dad. You know what mine was like."

She smiled encouragingly. "I know. And I didn't really have a mom to show me what to do either. You know my mom died when I was twelve, before I knew enough to pay attention to things like that." She shrugged. "I didn't know what to do either, you know?" She laughed a little. "I remember, when they put her in my arms, I was scared to death." She looked at him. "I expect that's a little like how you feel right now."

He nodded. He looked up at the ceiling, dragging his hands down to his chin. Then he looked back at her. "At least you had some kinda normal. Parents who weren't drunks. Or crazy. No one beating you up or forcing you to drink whiskey. You didn't have to try and find a place to hide, feel scared to wake up every day."

She bit her lip. "No, I didn't have that. But, you know, my parents fought. A lot. That's what I remember. Them fighting and then Daddy closing himself up in the library and Mom crying and then going out to honky tonks. And after my mom died, Daddy was never home. Maybe I had what looked like a normal family, but it wasn't." She gave him a lopsided smile. "And you know what happened when I was sixteen." She sighed. "I get it, Deacon. We both had bad role models for being parents. But I decided I was just gonna love her and be there for her, just do the best I could for her." She smiled sadly at him. "That's all you have to do. Don't be hard on yourself. You actually did really well with her on the tour. She's comfortable with you. She _loves_ you."

He swallowed over a lump in his throat. "I love her too."

She nodded. "I know you do. That's all you need to do. I can teach you all the mechanics, but the rest is just love." She smiled. "And I know you can do that."

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna was listening to more demos Bucky had sent over when Tandy got home. She set down her purse and briefcase and walked over to the couch where Rayna was sitting and kissed her sister on the cheek. "Hey babe," she said. "How was your day?"

Rayna took the ear buds out of her ears. "It was fine," she said. "Maddie and I went to the park this morning and then we went over to Deacon's this afternoon. Now I'm listening to demos, because I need at least six more songs for my album. Unless I can write something myself, which I seem to be incapable of right now." She made a face.

Tandy walked over to the pack and play, where Maddie was playing with blocks. She leaned over and fluffed her niece's hair. "Hey there, sweet thing," she said, with a big smile. Maddie squealed her reply and then bent back over her blocks. Tandy looked back at Rayna and shook her head. "She has your vocal chords, that's for sure," she said, with a laugh. Rayna just smiled. "So, how were things at Deacon's today?"

Rayna shrugged. "Fine. I think he's still not totally comfortable with all this, but, I mean, hey, he just found out he was a father yesterday."

Tandy sat down next to Rayna. She looked concerned, her brow furrowed. "How do you think he's going to do?"

Rayna frowned. "He'll do great, Tandy. He loves her. She loves him. He'll learn what he needs to and he'll be fine."

Tandy nodded. "And what about Teddy?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "What about him?"

"Well, he _is_ Maddie's father."

" _Deacon_ is Maddie's father. I don't want Teddy confusing things for Maddie." She narrowed her eyes. "Has he talked to you?" Tandy looked away. "Tandy, has he talked to you?" she asked again.

Tandy sighed. "He misses her. And you. And he doesn't understand all this."

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Seriously? I don't think I could have been any more clear when I went to see him." She frowned at her sister. "And don't encourage him to think things will change. They won't."

Tandy hesitated a moment. "Sweetheart, at least for now, he's still Maddie's legal father. Have you thought about that?"

"What's there to think about?"

"Well, he still has the right to see Maddie. You can't keep him from her."

Rayna swallowed. "Maddie needs to be able to focus on Deacon right now."

"Are you and Deacon planning on getting back together?" Tandy asked.

Rayna sighed sadly. "Right now, I think that's the last thing on the table. He's still very angry with me. He's tolerating me right now because he doesn't know what to do with Maddie. I don't know what will happen."

Tandy reached for her hand. "So you don't even know yet if Deacon's going to want to pursue anything, like paternity?"

Rayna frowned and pulled her hand away. "I'm sure he will. He wants to connect with her. Be her father."

"Being a father is more than just spending time with a child. Is he going to help raise her? Support her? Can you count on him to be a fully involved parent?"

"That's what this is all about, Tandy. Spending time with her. Learning to be a father to her. I don't want him to think Teddy's going to swoop in and change that."

"Just be careful, sweetheart. You're making a very big change in your life and we both know that Deacon can be volatile and unpredictable."

Rayna looked at her for a moment. "Shut up, Tandy," she said and got up from the couch. She walked over and plucked Maddie out of the pack and play and headed up the stairs.

* * *

Bucky was waiting at the coffee shop the next morning when Rayna got there. She slid into the seat across from him, where he already had coffee waiting for her. "Sorry, Buck," she said, with an apologetic smile.

He smiled. "No problem. I'm just surprised you're up this early when you're on break."

She smirked. "I do have a baby, you know. And they don't care how late you want to sleep in."

"Well, I'm sure you're happy to be home. And Teddy's probably glad to have you both back."

She sighed and spent a minute stirring her coffee. "Well, that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about." Bucky gave her a questioning look. She looked back at him. "Teddy and I are getting a divorce."

He looked shocked. "What? When did this happen?"

She shrugged. "It's been kind of heading in this direction. I've asked Teddy to file and I'll let you know when he does."

"But why, Rayna? And I'm sorry to ask something so personal, but you know…."

She smiled sadly. "I know. You need to be prepared." She took a deep breath. "It's a long, convoluted story, but the bottom line is that Deacon is Maddie's father." She let that sit, watching Bucky's face change from incredulous to concerned to compassionate. "I didn't tell Deacon when I found out. Teddy said he would marry me and raise Maddie as his own. But, honestly, it was a bad plan and being so close to Deacon on the tour just made me realize I couldn't keep doing that." She felt tears in her eyes and then Bucky's hand on hers.

"Rayna, you know I'll do anything you need me to. Does Deacon know now?" She nodded. "And what's the plan?"

"He wants to be her father, but now I realize Teddy is still legally her father, which complicates things." She shook her head. "This just keeps getting more and more mixed up."

"Is Deacon planning to establish paternity?"

"We haven't talked about it. I mean, this is all so new to him and you know his history. I just think I need to take it slow, for both his sake and Maddie's. Not push him into something he's not ready for. I told him to think about what he wants to say about being her father."

Bucky looked at her carefully. "Do you think Teddy will try to cause trouble? I have to wonder if he's going to go quietly into the night."

Rayna breathed in slowly, her nerves on edge. She had hoped she'd appealed to the part of Teddy who wouldn't want Maddie to be hurt, but now she wasn't sure of anything. She shrugged. "I hope he doesn't do anything, but I don't know, really." She rubbed at her temples. "He's always had this weird competition thing with Deacon, for some reason, so I guess I need to talk to him."

He nodded. "I think that would be a good idea." He paused before asking, "So what does this mean for you and Deacon?"

She breathed out. "Nothing, really. He's going to stay in my band, but beyond that we're just Maddie's parents."

"Okay. I'll stay on top of things, but let me know as things change."

She nodded. "Thanks, Bucky."

He reached for her hand and smiled encouragingly. "It's gonna be okay, Rayna," he said. "We'll get through it."

She could feel tears at the corners of her eyes and she pressed her fingers against them. "What would I do without you?" she said, with a sad smile.

He slid a case across the table. "These are the new demos. Listen when you get a chance and let me know."

She nodded. "Thanks, Buck." They got up then and he hugged her. She picked up the case and walked out of the coffee shop and got in her car. She sat for a moment, thinking that things had become much more complicated than she had expected and she feared that Deacon would be furious.

* * *

Rayna hesitantly knocked on the door. When Teddy looked up, his facial expression grew wary. "Can I talk to you?" she asked.

He got up from his desk and smoothed down his shirt. "Have you come to your senses?"

She frowned and stepped in, closing the door behind her. "I need to know what your plans are," she said, ignoring his question.

He spread his hands and laughed. "I don't have any plans, Rayna," he said. "I don't want a divorce."

She breathed out. "Well, I do," she said. "I understand you might not want it now, but you have to know our situation, well, it's just not going to work."

"Why not?"

Her stomach felt like it was doing flip flops and she clasped her hands together. "I told Deacon. And he wants to be Maddie's father," she said.

Teddy's face darkened then and he scowled at her. " _I'm_ Maddie's father, Rayna," he said. " _My_ name is the one on her birth certificate. And it's not in _our_ daughter's best interest to have an abusive alcoholic in her life."

Rayna felt her anger flare up and she stepped closer to him. "Deacon is _not_ abusive. And he's sober. Been sober for well over a year. And he _is_ her biological father. We'll get a paternity test to prove that."

"That may be, but who do you think would turn a child over to a man who could fall off the wagon at any minute?"

She could feel herself shaking. "He has a right, Teddy. A right to be a father to his daughter. I'll tell them that I lied about who her father was." She breathed in sharply. "Don't do this to Maddie, Teddy. Don't put her in the middle. If you really do love her, the way you say you do, you'll do this. You'll let her go."

He shook his head. "I made you a promise, Rayna. That I would protect her and love her like she was my own. I can't abandon her to someone I don't feel is fit to be a parent."

She raised her finger to his face. "You have no idea, Teddy. Deacon loves her. He loved her before he even knew she was his daughter. He's careful with her and keeps her safe. He wants to be a good father."

He shrugged. "What he wants and what he can actually do are two different things, Rayna. All I'll have to do is mention his five trips to rehab. The pain he put you through for all those years. The fact that he destroyed you to the point that you couldn't let him be her father and you _chose_ to not tell him."

"Don't you dare!" she cried, feeling her blood boil. "I'll tell them that you forced me to lie, that you had no intention of ever telling her who her real father was. That you wanted to lie to her her whole life and you manipulated me into going along with it."

He laughed. " _I_ manipulated the great Rayna Jaymes?" he said, mockingly. "Who would believe that?"

She glared at him. "Don't test me, Teddy," she said. "I mean it. And don't do this to Maddie." She turned and pulled open the door and stormed out of his office.

When she got to her car, she sat there, breathing hard, her emotions out of control, a feeling of panic rising up inside her. She could feel tears running down her cheeks and her hands were shaking. She leaned back against her seat and closed her eyes. _I'm gonna have to figure this out. I gonna have to control this. Somehow._ She couldn't let Teddy use Deacon's past against him, but she didn't know exactly how she was going to do that. She took a couple deep breaths and started the car. She looked at the clock and realized she would be late getting to his house.


	13. Chapter 13

Rayna picked up the phone when Bucky called. "Hey, Buck," she said. "What's up?"

He didn't say anything for a second, then she could hear him sigh. "Rayna, we've got a problem," he said.

"What kind of problem?" She screwed up her face, trying to think about what would make him sound so hesitant. Was it the studio time? A songwriter pulling back on a song they'd chosen?

"I talked to your lawyer today. Seems she's gotten a custody request from Teddy."

She felt her heart start to race. "A what? He hasn't even filed for divorce, Bucky. How could he possibly have a custody request?" She didn't like this. She had hoped Teddy was going to be reasonable about this, but maybe she had given him too much credit. It had just been two weeks since she'd told Deacon about Maddie and Teddy had stayed under the radar, after her visit to his office. She was hoping he'd listened and taken her advice about not putting Maddie through this.

"Well, from what I understand from Lauren, he's saying you've abandoned him, left the house with Maddie, and not been cooperative with visitation. So he wants joint custody until the two of you resolve your, uh, situation, is what he's calling it."

"Damn it." She sat down on her bed. "What do I do about this, Bucky? I don't want him making waves."

"I think, first of all, you should talk to Lauren and get all the facts and then maybe meet with Teddy and see if you can work it out."

She wrapped her free arm around her waist and bent over. "I don't need this," she said. "I just didn't think Teddy would do something like this." She sighed, fighting back tears.

* * *

She sat in the parking lot at Teddy's office, trying to collect herself. The custody order Teddy wanted to file was even worse than she thought. He also wanted to keep Deacon from seeing Maddie and she knew Deacon would be furious. At her mostly. She felt herself starting to panic again. This had all turned into such a complicated mess.

" _I don't understand, Lauren," she said to her lawyer. "Why is he being so uncooperative?"_

" _Well, Rayna, and understand this is what his attorney said to me, he felt blindsided by your decision to move out and to tell Deacon Claybourne he was your daughter's father. He said there had been no hint of trouble in the marriage and that he is, of course, Maddie's legal father. And there's the matter of the unfinished house, although that clearly has nothing to do with his desire to have visitation with Maddie."_

" _But he's talking custody, Lauren. That's not just visitation."_

" _I understand, Rayna, but he's hurt, obviously." She paused. "Had you had any discussion with him before about being unhappy?"_

 _Rayna sighed. "No. Not like that, of course. But I had told him that I was thinking we needed to tell Deacon about Maddie." She bit her lip. "What do I do?"_

" _I think you need to appease him for now. Let him see Maddie, work something out that's fair."_

" _But what about him not wanting Deacon to see her? That's just not fair. Deacon is her father."_

" _I think we can get him to drop that if you'll agree to some level of visitation. For now. Once Deacon establishes paternity, we can revisit. Have you talked to him about that?"_

" _I'm just trying to get him comfortable with being a father. I don't want to push things too quickly."_

" _You may have to. Let's see how this approach goes first."_

Rayna had decided she needed to try to appeal to Teddy first. He'd always been so reasonable about things, surely she could get him to be reasonable about this. Her stomach was tied up in knots. Just then, Maddie started to babble in the backseat. Rayna looked in the rear view mirror and could see Maddie's hands waving around. She sighed and then got out of the car, opening the back door to retrieve her daughter.

* * *

When she got to Teddy's office, he was all smiles when he saw Maddie on her hip. He walked around his desk. "Hey, there, sweetie," he said, and Maddie squealed happily, waving her arms at him. Rayna reluctantly let him take her and, as he walked around his desk to sit down, she closed the door and sat in one of the chairs across from his desk.

Teddy was bouncing Maddie on his lap and she was babbling happily. Rayna felt sick. Teddy finally looked up at her. "I hope this means you're prepared to be reasonable," he said. "Maybe even come home?"

She looked at him with surprise. "I can't believe you'd even want me to come home," she said. "Not after what you tried to pull."

The smile didn't leave his face, but his eyes were steely with anger. "You can't just keep me from my daughter, Rayna. I know you'd like for me to do that, just hand him over to Claybourne, but I can't. I love Maddie. I consider her mine. I've loved her like she was my own flesh and blood since the day she was born."

She looked down at her lap for a moment, then back. "I know you have, Teddy. And I appreciate that. But you have to know what we did was wrong. Dishonest, deceitful."

"And yet you agreed to that, Rayna."

"But I don't anymore. And it was still wrong. I, at least, am trying to fix it."

"Well, I'm not going to just let you cut me out of her life, Rayna. I'll do whatever I have to." The smile faded from his face then and his mouth was a grim line.

She stood up then. "Teddy, I want you to file for divorce. If you aren't going to do it, then I will. And we'll settle everything then. I'll let you see Maddie, for now, but I'm not keeping her away from Deacon and I'm not doing joint custody. Not of a baby. She needs to be with me."

He shrugged. "Make a counterproposal," he said. "We'll see."

She walked over and took Maddie from him, settling her on her hip. She looked down at Teddy. "Take care of it, Teddy. Or I will." Then she turned and walked out of his office.

When she got Maddie settled in her car seat, she got in the car. She sat back against the seat, feeling like she'd just been sucker punched. She didn't know what to do next or who she could even rely on to help. She could feel her breathing accelerate and her chest hurt. She had to get herself under control, so she closed her eyes and tried to focus on the one next thing she could do. When she felt her breathing return to normal, she reached for her purse and pulled out her phone. She held it to her ear. "Hey," she said. "Can I come over? I've got Maddie with me." She listened. "Thanks." Then she closed the phone and started her car.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When Deacon answered the door, Rayna had Maddie standing in front of her, holding on to her hands. She smiled up at him, then looked back down at Maddie. "Walk to Daddy, sweet girl," she said, and let go of Maddie's hands. Maddie looked a little unsteady at first, but then she walked five steps on her own, right into his waiting hands. Rayna clapped her hands as he lifted her up.

Maddie laughed and squealed as he kissed her on her cheek, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. Hearing Rayna refer to him as daddy had been unexpectedly overwhelming. "Hey, baby girl," he said. "How's my baby girl?" Maddie babbled at him, bouncing in his arms. He looked at Rayna, who was smiling as she watched the two of them. "I got all the furniture set up. You wanna see?"

She nodded. "Sure." They walked back to the back bedroom.

He had gotten a crib, along with a small dresser and changing table, all with her help. Everything had arrived the day before and he'd spent all night putting it together and getting it ready. He felt nervous, hoping it was all set up right. "So, I think I got it all right," he said, looking at Rayna. "What do you think?"

She walked around, running her hand over the dresser, then the crib, then turning back to him. "I think it looks perfect," she said, with a smile.

He walked over and pulled open one of the dresser drawers. "I even put those clothes you brought in here," he said. Then he went to the crib and leaned over, picking up a floppy eared stuffed elephant. "Oh, and I got this," he said, tapping Maddie's nose with it. "For you, sweetie," he said to her, with a smile. Maddie reached for it and squealed happily.

Rayna laughed. "I would say that's a hit." She looked at him. "I have some juice for her, if you want to help her with that."

He nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

He sat on the couch with Maddie and watched as Rayna went through the diaper bag to get Maddie's juice. He thought she seemed a little tense, that there was a touch of sadness in her eyes. He wondered if it was because things were still strained between the two of them, but he wasn't really ready to do anything about that.

She came back and sat down, in the middle of the couch so that she was closer to the two of them. She handed him the sippy cup, and he helped Maddie with it. Rayna reached out and smoothed down Maddie's dress and then sat back, her hands in her lap, just watching them. She smiled then. "She seems so comfortable with you," she said.

He nodded, thinking he felt the same way. It still was a little hard for him to believe this was his daughter. He looked down at her, then back at Rayna. "Would you tell me about the day she was born?" he asked. He'd been thinking about that for a while and finally decided he was ready to know.

She looked a little surprised at first, but then she smiled. "Sure." She took a deep breath. "I was in labor a long time. They say that's normal for first babies, or at least not unusual. I spent most of the time I was waiting just getting things ready for her." She laughed softly. "I think I changed the crib sheets twice. Maybe more." Then she sighed. "I was nervous. I mean, I was really ready for her to be born, but, you know, it would all be real then. Before she was born, it was like she was wrapped up in a little cocoon inside me, all safe and sound. But once she was born, then everything would change."

"Were you scared?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No. The only thing to be scared of, I guess, was pain and my doctor had already told me they'd give me something so I wouldn't have pain. Anyway, we finally went to the hospital and they took me right in. Things moved pretty quickly once we got there and then there she was." She smiled. "She came out screaming, but then they wrapped her up and that calmed her down. When they brought her back and I got to hold her for the first time, it was the best feeling in the world." She reached out and grabbed the toe of Maddie's foot briefly and then dropped it. "She opened her eyes and looked at me and I knew for sure, then, that she was yours. It was like looking into your eyes, your soul. As happy as I was, it broke my heart." She looked back at him.

He wondered, for a moment, what that meant. Had she wanted Maddie to be Teddy's? He frowned. "So you weren't…."

She waved her hand. "I just mean that it broke my heart you weren't there. I _knew_ , Deacon, all along. I knew she would be yours, but looking at her made it real." She took a deep breath. "I didn't know, then, that you were back. It was all just, well, you know, it was the happiest day of my life, but it was also the saddest, because nothing was the way it was supposed to be. And I'm sorry for that."

He nodded, but didn't say anything at first. "So you had a party for her birthday," he said finally.

She nodded. "Yeah. I don't really know why it's such a big deal for a one year old to have a party. She won't remember it and didn't understand it. She got tired and cranky and cried at the end." She looked at him, her eyes sad. "I wish I could have shared that with you. But we'll have all the rest of her birthdays. And those are the ones she'll remember. And she'll know you were there…."

He closed his eyes. It hurt so bad to think about the things he'd missed. And he knew Rayna was right, that these were things Maddie wouldn't remember and she wouldn't know he hadn't been a part of everything. But what would he tell her when she asked him one day about the day she was born? Or any of the other things that happened her first year? He could feel himself getting angry. But then Maddie curled up against him and he could see her eyes fluttering shut and all he could feel was blessed.

He looked up at Rayna. "I'll put her down," he said and she nodded.

When he came back into the living room, she had moved to the end of the couch and she looked nervous, picking at the hem of her blouse. When he sat down, she took a deep breath. "So, I had to go see Teddy a couple days ago," she said, looking at him and then away. He frowned. "He's decided to, uh, ask for visitation. Demand it actually."

He scowled. "I thought he wasn't gonna see her," he said.

"Well, that was what I had hoped, but, I don't know, Deacon. I think he may try to cause some trouble."

"What do you mean?"

"He wants joint custody and visitation. And for you not to have contact with her." She looked at him warily.

He jumped up. "Are you kidding me?" he shouted.

She stood up and frowned. "Stop yelling, Deacon," she said, pointing towards the bedroom.

He put his hands on his hips and scowled. "He ain't her father," he said, lowering his voice. "I am." He poked himself in the chest.

She breathed in. "Well, technically he's her father legally, because his name's on the birth certificate."

He fumed. Then he took a step towards the door. "Maybe I need to go over and have it out with him," he said darkly, taking another step towards the door.

She stepped in front of him, an angry look on her face, and put her hands on his arms. "Don't you dare," she said firmly. He raised his eyebrows. "Don't you get that it will only make things worse? All he needs is for you to go over and punch him out or even just threaten him. He already thinks you're dangerous, so don't give him proof."

"But he can't tell me I can't see my own daughter," he said, still angry and tense.

"I'm working on that, so just let me handle it." She looked at him and frowned. "Promise me, Deacon, you'll let me handle this." He just looked at her, shaking his head, and then walked into the kitchen.

* * *

Deacon waited until after Rayna and Maddie left and then he got in his truck and drove over to Teddy's office. He sat in his truck until he saw Teddy exit the building. Then he jumped out and strode purposefully over to the other man.

When Teddy saw him, he stopped and frowned. "What are you doing here, Deacon?" he asked.

Deacon got in his face and glared. "Maddie is _my_ daughter," he said. "I got a right to see her."

Teddy took a step back but gave Deacon an incredulous smile. "Actually, she's _my_ daughter. My name is on her birth certificate…."

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "That's gonna change."

Teddy shrugged. "Maybe. But for now, she's legally my daughter. And I have a right to see her. And to make sure she's protected from unstable people."

Deacon stepped closer and Teddy backed up. "Who you calling unstable?"

"You're here threatening me, Deacon. Some might call that unstable."

"I ain't threatening you, Teddy. I'm just telling you she's my daughter. You know that. Rayna told me she got a paternity test shows you ain't her father."

"But my name's on the birth certificate. Because that's what Rayna wanted." He stepped back again. "Now, you need to get on out of here, unless you want me to call the cops. And I don't think you'd want to have to explain that, now, would you?"

Deacon breathed in sharply. He knew Rayna wouldn't be happy to know he'd come over here, but he didn't want Teddy thinking he had the upper hand. But he also knew getting arrested wouldn't help either. So he took a step back. "This ain't over, Conrad." Teddy smirked at him, which made him want to punch him, but he forced himself to turn and walk back to his truck.

* * *

He was in the kitchen when he heard a loud, angry knocking on his door. He wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and walked through the living room to the front door. When he opened it, Rayna was standing there, her hands on her hips, looking furious.

"I told you to leave things alone," she said angrily. "I told you I would handle it." He just stood there, trying to look nonchalant, but feeling anything but. "All you've done is just made Teddy dig his heels in even more. Damn it, Deacon, I can't believe you did this when you promised me you wouldn't."

"I didn't promise nothing," he said, mulishly.

"Well, you just can't go confronting Teddy anymore. What if he'd decided to try to pick a fight with you, to get you to throw a punch at him?" She breathed out. "I am trying to fix this, trying to make things right, but I can't do that if you can't control yourself."

"Rayna, I…."

"If you can't let me handle this, I'm going to have to wonder if I can trust you with Maddie."

He scowled then. "That ain't fair, Rayna. I'm trying to stand up for my girl."

"But you know your history, Deacon. And Teddy does too. And he'll try to use that against you. If you can't stay away from him and let me deal with this, you could blow up everything. Do you understand?"

He fumed. "I shouldn't be the one…."

She shook her head. "No, probably not. But I told you in the beginning that this would be complicated to untangle. You have got to be patient and let me work through this. Don't rush in and try to fix everything or you could end up ruining it all." He didn't say anything. "Can I trust you to leave this alone?" He still didn't say anything. "Deacon, answer me."

He huffed. "I won't do nothing."

She stood there, just looking at him. "I'm counting on you, Deacon. Don't disappoint me." He looked away. She sighed. "So tomorrow we have to start working on laying out the album. You'll be there at the studio?"

He nodded. "You bringing Maddie?"

She looked at him incredulously. "No, I'm not." He scowled. "Look, we're starting rehearsals for the album. I'm not bringing her to Sound Check every day. We'll figure things out for another time." She turned and started down the steps. Then she turned back and pointed a finger at him. "I can count on you to hold it together?"

He rolled his eyes and frowned. "I won't do or say nothing," he said through gritted teeth. He stood and watched her walk down the walkway and then he slammed the door shut.

 _ **~nashville~**_

They were two days into rehearsals for the album and had just finished for the day when Rayna walked over to Deacon. "Can I bring Maddie by?" she asked. She'd been so angry with him about going to see Teddy that she'd not taken Maddie to see him since then. As she had dressed Maddie that morning, she'd felt bad about it and had promised herself she'd take their daughter to see him.

He looked at her. "Today?" She nodded. "Yeah," he said. "That would be great."

She breathed in. "I thought I would bring some pictures. Of her. Would you like for me to?" She knew it might stir up painful feelings for him, but she hoped he would want to see them.

He nodded. "Yeah, I would."

She smiled. It had been a tense couple of days and she wanted things to be more comfortable. "Okay then. We'll see you a little later." Then she walked off.

* * *

As she drove from Tandy's condo to Deacon's house, she thought about where things stood. She had felt a little desperate when Teddy had started the business with visitation and custody. She didn't want things to go down that road at all, but she wasn't exactly sure how to fix it. When she had called Tandy after she'd met with Teddy, she had felt frantic.

 _Tandy met her at home. "What's going on, babe?" she asked, looking concerned. "You sounded so upset over the phone."_

 _Rayna looked at her, near tears. "I need to talk to you," she said. "But I need you to be my sister."_

 _Tandy frowned. "Well, of course I'm your sister. Why would you say that?"_

 _Rayna narrowed her eyes. "I need you to forget how you feel about Deacon, how you feel about Teddy. I need you to be on_ _my_ _side."_

 _Tandy sat down and sighed. Then she took Rayna's hands. "Babe, the bottom line is that you're my family. I might not like everything you do – and you may not like everything I do either, let's be fair – but at the end of the day, I will always have your back."_

 _Rayna could feel tears sliding down her face and reached up to wipe them away. "Teddy wants to fight me for custody and visitation and he wants to keep Deacon away from Maddie. You know, just like I do, that he's not Maddie's biological father. I get that he's her legal father and I need to fix that at some point – soon, probably. And I'm not being unfeeling about it, because I do appreciate his willingness to love her even though she wasn't his. But this whole thing was wrong from the start. I should have done this on my own. Why did I think I needed a husband?"_

 _Tandy bit her lip. "Well, you know why. Because if you hadn't, Deacon would probably have pressured you to find out if Maddie was his and you were trying to protect your baby. But more than that, you needed a good, stable father for Maddie."_

 _Rayna breathed in, fighting her desire to lash out at her sister. "But here's the thing. Covering this up, lying to Deacon, none of that was right. I could have protected Maddie myself. What if I had just told him the truth? What if he'd just stopped drinking then? If becoming a father would've been the thing that finally got rid of his demons?"_

 _Tandy sighed. "I don't think that's how it works." She took Rayna's hands. "You wanted to give her a better life."_

" _But what's better about this? What would have been better ten years from now?" She bit her lip. "You know, Tandy, what I keep thinking about? When were we going to tell her? Tell him? The way Teddy sounds right now, I'm not sure that would ever have happened."_

" _But you don't know that."_

 _Rayna pulled her hands back and shrugged. "No, you're right, I don't. But think about it. When would be the time to do that? When she needs a blood transfusion or something. Because she and I don't have the same blood type, did you know that?"_

 _Tandy wrinkled her brow. "I'm sure that wouldn't happen."_

" _Well, maybe it wouldn't be that, but some other health concern. Something I couldn't do for her and for sure Teddy couldn't. What if she somehow found out on her own? I mean, there's a record there that says Teddy Conrad is_ _not_ _her biological father. What if she somehow came across that and asked who was? That would just blow up her life_ _and_ _Deacon's."_

" _Isn't that what you just did?"_

" _But I did it in a controlled way, Tandy._ _I_ _told Deacon and_ _I_ _was there to help him through it. Still am. And look at how he's doing with it. He's nervous, sure, but he's actually doing great. Better than I would've thought. He loves her. He loves being her father. Which takes me back to why didn't I just tell him in the first place?" She waved her hands in front of her face. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about though. I don't want this custody thing, or whatever it is, of Teddy's to go forward. Not as it stands now. What can I do?"_

 _Tandy sat back. "You won't like this."_

 _Rayna clenched her jaw. "Tell me anyway."_

" _Talk to Daddy. He has judicial 'friends' and he can make sure it goes the way you want."_

" _I can't do that. First of all, I can't ask him for a favor. I haven't asked him for anything since he kicked me out of the house. And second, he doesn't even know about Maddie." Tandy gave her a look and Rayna felt her heart drop. "No." Tandy nodded. "How?"_

 _Tandy shrugged. "Daddy's a smart man, Rayna. You know that. But think about talking to him. I believe he would help."_

Rayna felt a pit in the bottom of her stomach. She hated the idea of having to go to her father for anything, but she was even more concerned about the fact that somehow he knew about Maddie. She would have to think about the right way to handle this.

* * *

Rayna sat down on the couch next to Deacon as he held Maddie. She had a tight hold on the little stuffed animal Deacon had gotten for her and Rayna couldn't help but smile. She put her hand on the envelope she had on her lap. "These are the pictures I wanted to show you," she said, looking at him. "You still wanna see them?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I do."

She pulled the first one out. It was from her baby shower and she was holding a little blanket. Pam Tillis had hosted the shower for her, just three weeks before Maddie was born. She held it out and Deacon took it. She watched his face as he looked over the picture. He breathed in and then he looked up at her. "You look happy," he said.

She smiled. "It was a fun day. My baby shower. It was right before Maddie was born."

"You look beautiful," he said softly.

She made a face and looked back at the picture. "Thank you, but I can assure you I didn't feel that way. When you're nine months pregnant, you really feel tired and uncomfortable." She looked at him. "But I thought you might like to see…that." He looked at her sadly and nodded.

The next one she took out was the day Maddie was born. Teddy had taken the picture, but she was holding Maddie. It was one of her favorites. "This is the day Maddie was born. I think it wasn't long after they'd wrapped her up and given her back to me."

Deacon didn't take it, but he reached out and ran one finger over it. He looked at her. "Your eyes look sad," he said.

She looked at the picture more closely. She was smiling for the camera, but when she really looked at her face, she saw that he was right. There _was_ a sadness in her eyes. She sighed. "I _was_ sad, Deacon," she said. "It all made me sad." She looked up at him. "I hated that I couldn't share it with you." She could see him clench his jaw and she looked away.

The next picture was the first formal picture they'd had taken of Maddie, when she was three months old. She remembered that the photographer had propped her up against this super soft white blanket that covered a pillow. Maddie didn't have a lot of hair then, but Rayna had put a tiny pink bow in what she had. Maddie was wearing a pink and white dress and tiny little white booties on her feet. The photographer had gotten her to smile by waving a stuffed pink pony in front of her. Maddie had made little laughing noises and waved her arms around. She and Teddy had been happy with how the pictures turned out. She held the picture out and smiled. "She was three months old then. Her first professional picture."

Deacon looked at it and breathed in. He looked away. "I can't do this, Rayna. All I see when I look at these are all the things I wasn't there for. Everything I missed."

She laid the pictures and the envelope down on the coffee table. "But I told you that you'd have all the important events in the future. So many more than these."

He turned to look at her, his eyes red with tears. "You don't get it. I shoulda been there for _these_ things. I didn't get to see what you got at the shower or be there to see her be born or for all her, what, professional pictures." He breathed in. "I never got to see you pregnant, Ray. Every bit of it, someone else got to be there for. Someone who shoulda been me."

"I know, Deacon, but you're seeing them now."

"It ain't the same," he said. Maddie, sensing his agitation, started to fuss.

Rayna reached for her. "Let me take her," she said, and plucked her from his lap.

He got up and walked over to the fireplace, his hands covering his mouth. After a moment, he turned back to her. "I appreciate you bringing 'em, but I just can't stop thinking it shoulda been me," he said. He walked to the back of the house, leaving her sitting in the living room with Maddie.

She sat for a few minutes, holding tightly to her daughter, kissing the top of her head. What she'd said to Tandy came back and squeezed at her heart. _What if I had just told him the truth? What if he'd just stopped drinking then? If becoming a father would've been the thing that finally got rid of his demons?_ She felt tears well up in her eyes and she breathed in, willing herself not to cry. They would get through this. Somehow.

She got up from the couch and walked in the direction Deacon had gone. He was standing in Maddie's room, leaning on the crib rail, holding another stuffed animal. She walked up and stood beside him. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really am sorry."

He looked at her and she could see he'd been crying. It broke her heart. "You know, I get it, Rayna. I do. I was a wreck then. I get that part of this is my fault. But it all just hurts right now and I can't figure out how to not make it hurt."

Maddie reached out just then and patted at Deacon's arm. Rayna knew she had no way of knowing what she was doing or what was going on around her. He looked down at their daughter, dropping the toy he'd been holding back in the crib. "I don't know how to make the hurt go away either, Deacon," she said finally. "But maybe just think about her and getting to do all of this with her from now on. I know it doesn't make up for what you missed, but I think what's to come will be amazing. For both of you." He didn't say anything, just nodded. "Listen, I need to get her home, so I can feed her and she can go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow?"

He looked up at her. "Yeah," he said. He leaned down and kissed Maddie on the forehead, then looked back up at her. "Thanks, Ray."

She reached out and rubbed his arm, then turned and walked out with Maddie.

 _ **~nashville~**_

After Rayna left, Deacon found the pictures she'd brought still laying on the coffee table. He sat down and pushed them aside, sitting back against the couch with his eyes closed. He wondered how long it would take, for things to feel normal, for him not feel so hurt and so angry. He tried to concentrate on Maddie. How good it felt to hold her and watch her sleep. He loved how happy she always was to see him and how she seemed to grow more attached to him every time she came over.

He wanted more, though. He thought about the makeshift nursery he'd put together in the back bedroom, to make it easier on him and Rayna when they came to see him. But he wanted her to be with him all the time, not just for visits. He didn't know how that could work though, with things as they were with Rayna. He could see that she was trying and he felt like she wanted more from him, but he couldn't give it to her. Not right now anyway.

He sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. He loved her. Even though she'd done this terrible thing, he loved her. He understood that him being a drunk had cost him the chance to be there for her and he knew how hard his struggle had been for her, all those years. He just didn't understand why she hadn't told him and it was the one thing that was standing between them.

His eyes lit on the pictures again and he finally reached out and picked up the loose pictures and the envelope. He breathed in and then he pulled the rest of the pictures out of the envelope. As he looked through them, he noticed she was careful to choose pictures that were either just of Maddie or of Maddie with her alone. He looked through a series of pictures as Maddie got older and he finally started to smile, looking at the happy face of his baby girl. There was even a picture of her at her birthday party, sitting with Rayna. He looked closely at the picture and saw that same sadness in Rayna's eyes he'd seen in the picture of the day Maddie was born.

He went back and found that picture again and just spent time looking at Rayna holding their newborn daughter. He supposed it had been hard for her, caught in a bad situation. He looked at the picture at her baby shower. There was that sadness in her eyes again, even though she had a smile on her face. He breathed in as he looked at her. He thought she was beautiful. He wished he could have been with her then, to make sure she knew that. She was right though – there were lots more memories to make.

* * *

The next morning, before he went to rehearsal, he went to a meeting. He sat in the back with Cole, until just before the meeting was over. Then he got up and walked to the front, holding onto the podium. He looked out at the group and took a deep breath.

"You know, I been called a lot of things in my life – damn drunk, loser, sorry ass, the defendant." There was a soft laughter in the room. "Anyway, lately, there's a new name that I been called and it's been taking some getting used to – daddy. My daughter's just a year old, but I didn't know she was my daughter until just a couple weeks ago. When I came home from rehab the last time, the love of my life was having a baby with another man, I thought, and I damn near went off the rails right then and there." He let out a short laugh. "Which woulda put me right back in the place I was when she found out she was pregnant and decided I wasn't fit to be that baby's daddy." He breathed in. "But I didn't do that and I showed her I could stay sober and now I'm getting a chance to be a daddy to my daughter." He reached up and wiped a tear away. "And she's the most beautiful thing to me," he said with a smile. "Her eyes light up when she sees me and she always wants me to hold her. And I hope I never forget how good that makes me feel, 'cause I want to be there for everything else in her life. I don't ever want to let her down again."


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Sorry it took so long to post this. Too much going on._

It felt like they were taking two steps forward, one step back. They had been back at work, rehearsing for the new album, working on nailing down the sound. Deacon had worked hard on the arrangements and they were clean and punchy, brilliant actually. She'd laid down scratch tracks as they played with the sound. In the studio and the rehearsal hall, they were in sync, working as a team. But when they shut down for the day and they shifted into being Maddie's parents, they were still struggling. Things were better, but Rayna longed for them to break through the wall between them. She loved him and she wanted to fix it.

She knew he wouldn't forgive her easily although, as much as she understood that, it still hurt anyway. She showed him how to change a diaper, how to feed Maddie and what to feed her, had gone with him to buy the things he needed, like a high chair and a crib and a changing table. Every time they accidentally touched or she patted his arm to encourage him, there was that same electricity between them there had always been. She could tell he was feeling it too, the way he'd pull back or turn away quickly. But they still hadn't really talked about _them_ , about what came next and whether they could repair what was broken. What _she_ had broken. She would feel the tension rolling off of him and she was worried that, if he didn't somehow resolve that with her, that he would turn to the bottle. She just needed there to be some kind of catalyst that would let them break through.

She finally decided to poke at it one afternoon when Maddie went down for her nap. She had stood at the door and watched as he laid her down in the crib and then pulled a blanket up over her. She smiled as she watched, thinking about how gentle he was with her. He still sometimes acted like Maddie was a piece of fragile glass, but he was more comfortable every day.

When he turned towards the door and saw her, he scowled. He pushed past her without a word and she turned, closing the door behind her. He turned to face her. "You afraid I'm gonna drop her or something?" he asked, his voice low and tense.

She screwed up her face. "No, of course not," she said. "I just wanted to watch."

"Well, I don't need you watching me, Rayna. I already feel like you're testing me, everything I do, keeping score."

She rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous, Deacon. I am _not_ 'keeping score'. I thought the whole point of my being here was for us to do this together. _You_ wanted that."

He huffed. "I don't need you hovering over me."

"I'm not hovering. I'm trying to be helpful." They were both trying to keep their voices low, but it was clear tensions were high between them.

He walked into the kitchen and she followed him. He whipped back around to look at her, his voice getting louder. "I get it, Rayna. You didn't want to tell me about her because you didn't think I could do this. And now it feels like you're just standing around, waiting for me to start drinking or something."

She gasped. "That's not true! I'm not waiting for you to start drinking." Technically that wasn't true, but he had gotten dangerously close to the fear that always hovered just in the background. "I just want us to work together," she said. She took a deep breath. "We need to get past all this whatever it is between us, Deacon."

He raised his eyebrows. "Whatever it is? You mean you lying to me?"

She walked over to him. "Actually, Deacon, I didn't ever lie to you. I may not have told you the truth, but when did I ever actually lie to you? You never asked me if Maddie was yours, so how could I have lied to you?" She was starting to get pissed.

He got right in her face. "It's the same thing, Rayna. You had a chance to tell me the truth and you chose not to. That's lying."

She scowled. She knew she was nitpicking, but this tension between them was getting to her. She needed to force him to do _something_. "You need to figure out a way to deal with this, Deacon, before you do something you regret," she said angrily. She put her hand on his chest and pushed just slightly.

He stood there, frowning at her, and suddenly she could feel an almost chemical charge between the two of them, taking her breath away. She could feel herself tremble inside and her nerve endings were on fire. He looked at her, his eyes suddenly full of need, and she knew he was feeling it too. The pull between them, that need for each other. He suddenly reached for her and turned her around towards the kitchen counter. She knew what was coming and she knew she should stop it, but she really didn't want to. She wanted it as much as he did, needed it, actually. He reached around and started pulling at her belt. She looked down and, at first, tried to help him, then pushed his hands away and finished it herself. She unzipped her jeans and pushed them down, along with her panties, then braced herself against the counter. He fumbled with his own jeans and then he grabbed her hips and entered her, roughly at first, but she quickly matched his urgent rhythm. He murmured her name over and over. She just focused on how he felt inside her.

It was hot and fast and explosive and, when it was over, he just leaned against her, his face against her back, his hands on her arms. After a moment, she could feel his hot tears penetrating her blouse, and her heart ached. He pushed back from her. She listened to him walk away and then she pulled herself back together. She bit her lip. It wasn't like they'd never had angry sex before, it was a way they'd resolved things between them in the past. Usually it resulted in some kind of shift for them, so she hoped that's what would happen now. She waited a few minutes before she walked back into the living room.

He was standing by the couch when she walked in. He looked conflicted, his eyes sad.

She knew it had been a reaction to all the turmoil, for both of them, and it wasn't necessarily the way she'd have wanted them to come back together. But she had to be honest with herself – she'd wanted it as much as he had. _Needed_ it, actually. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

He worked his lip and she could see the emotions in his eyes, could see him tearing up. He rubbed his hands together and looked away, then back at her. "I love you, Rayna, but, God, I'm still so angry. I just don't know what to do with that right now." He let out a short laugh and shook his head. "I don't want to complicate things any more'n they already are, you know? And I feel like that's what that just did."

She shook her head. "It's okay," she said. "But we're really going to need to talk about all of this, you know? It's the only way we'll get through it." She inclined her head towards the bedroom. "We've got to think about _her_ and do whatever we have to to get through this for her."

He nodded. "I know." He worked his lip and then he sighed. "I do appreciate you being around. It helps, 'cause I sure don't know what to do." He breathed in. "I wanna be a good dad. I wanna do right by her."

She smiled sadly. "I know you do." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I think we need to do the paternity test, start that part. Are you ready for that?"

He frowned a little. "What do we do?"

"It's not really a big deal. My doctor did the original test after Maddie was born, so you could go to her office. It's just a swab inside your mouth, so just a couple seconds." He breathed in and nodded. "It just takes a couple days to get the results. And then we can petition to have your name put on her birth certificate. If that's what you want."

He nodded again. "I do." He walked over to her then and put his arms around her, pulling her into an embrace. She leaned her head on his chest and put her arms around him, squeezing her eyes shut against the tears. He rubbed her back and then kissed the top of her head and she stepped back, looking up at him. "Thank you," he said. "For her. For this." He breathed out, then put his palm against her cheek, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "We'll work it out."

She nodded and smiled, then turned away and walked over to the front window, wrapping her arms around herself. She breathed in, feeling a sense of relief that they'd seemed to get through this bump in the road. She turned back to face him. "I'm, um, I'm going to be moving into an apartment next week," she said. "I need to get out of Tandy's house, you know, and it just makes sense to do that. For now, anyway. I'll be in West End, so not too far."

He nodded. "That's good."

"It'll mean you can spend more time with her. Nothing off limits." He nodded again. She walked up to him and took his hands, looking up into his face. "I love you, Deacon. I have always loved you. The decisions I made were all the harder, because I love you." She breathed in. "I know you're not ready. Not really. But we're Maddie's parents. And we're family. So we're together."

She saw such pain in his eyes, but also love. She knew he felt conflicted inside and she wasn't going to pressure him. "It's okay," she said. " _We're_ okay. I'll be here when you're ready."

He nodded and then he leaned in and kissed her, very gently and very briefly, and then walked into the kitchen.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He pressed his hands on the counter, breathing in deeply. What had happened between them had been unexpected but, if he was honest with himself, probably inevitable. It wasn't how he would have wanted it, but they'd both been angry and, in that moment, he'd been overwhelmed by how much he wanted her, how much he needed to be close to her. And he could see it in her eyes too, that she needed him just as much. They had needed that, to kind of break through the wall between them. This, and music, were the ways they spoke to each other, reminded each other how much a part of each other they were. They weren't completely there yet, but they were closer.

He heard her walk into the kitchen and he turned to face her. He breathed in. He'd loved her from the moment he met her. He loved her still. He just needed to understand, so that he could get past the hurt. He swallowed. "Would you tell me, um, you know, what it was like? That night," he said. He was afraid to know, but also afraid not to.

She smiled a little. "It was a beautiful night, Deacon," she said, sounding a little wistful. "You took me to the cabin and…we talked." She smiled a little teasingly. "You made sandwiches and we ate out on the porch." He smiled back at her. "You sang for me. You actually sang a song you'd written about us being at the cabin, a really pretty song." She breathed in. "And then we went inside and, even though it was still pretty warm, you made a fire, because you knew how much I liked that."

He thought she looked a little teary. "What did we talk about?" he asked.

She shrugged and looked away. "Oh, you know, what you'd been doing. What I'd been doing." She looked back at him. "You told me you loved me." She reached up and wiped her eyes. "You were so romantic." She laughed a little shaky laugh. "So not you, of course. But you wanted to win me back. And you were so sweet about it." She bit her lip. "I loved you so much, Deacon. That just never changed. And so I stayed with you and I thought everything was good. We, uh, we made love in front of the fire and it was just everything I could have ever wanted it to be. I wanted to stay there all night, but eventually we went to bed." She looked away then.

He knew what happened next, because she'd told him that. "And then I screwed it up."

She looked at him, tears rolling down her face. "Deacon, in spite of everything that happened afterwards, that moment, you know, where we created that beautiful baby girl in there" – she gestured towards the bedroom where Maddie was – "that's what I want to remember about that night. It was beautiful and perfect and I loved you so much and that's what she came from. That was all I ever saw when I looked at her. Still is."

It made his heart hurt. He couldn't change it, but it hurt him to his core to know he'd missed out because of his demons. He felt weak in that moment and it threatened to overtake him, but then Maddie's plaintive little cry came over the baby monitor Rayna had had him buy, and it snapped him back to the present, reminding him of his promise to his daughter. And to Rayna.

She looked at him. "Do you want me to get her?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'll do it." And he walked back to the bedroom and opened the door. He smiled as soon as he saw her, standing up at the crib railing, her little face screwed up and her hair sticking up. "Hey, baby girl," he said softly and was rewarded with a happy smile. He reached in and picked her up, balancing her on his hip. He smoothed her hair down and kissed her on the cheek, as she reached out and squeezed his nose.

When he walked back out into the living room, Rayna was there. She smiled at Maddie. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed. She looked at Deacon. "You want me to take her?"

He shook his head. "I'm good."

She walked over to the two of them and, her hand on Maddie's back, she leaned in to kiss their daughter. She smiled brightly at Maddie. "Who has you?" she asked, leaning in to rub her nose on Maddie's. Maddie laughed. "Does your daddy have you?"

Deacon felt his heart turn over as he watched Rayna grab Maddie's hand. _Your daddy._ Every time she said that, it gave him a warm feeling inside. He looked at her as she was looking at Maddie and he could feel something start to shift inside him. She looked up at him then. "How about I call the doctor's office?" she asked.

He nodded. "Sounds good."

She put a hand on his arm and smiled. "Let me get her some juice," she said, and she walked to the kitchen. He turned, watching her. She retrieved a sippy cup from the fridge and then got her phone out of her purse. She walked back to him and handed him the juice. He went and sat on the couch, helping Maddie with the cup. Rayna walked over by the fireplace as she dialed the number. She put the phone to her ear. "Hey," she said. "This is Rayna Jaymes. Is Dr. Morris available? Just for a quick second?" She listened and then smiled. "Thanks." Her eyes were on him as she waited. "Hey, Dr. Morris," she said, a minute later. "Um, I have a favor. I was hoping you could do, uh, another paternity test for me." She listened for a moment, then said, "It's kind of a formality, really. It's for, uh, Maddie's biological father." She flicked her eyes back at him. "Tomorrow?" He nodded. "Yes, tomorrow's fine. Thanks. I'll tell him." Another pause. "Deacon Claybourne." One last pause. "Great. Thanks again." She closed her phone and looked back at him. "Ten tomorrow. It'll literally just take a minute."

* * *

When Rayna and Maddie were ready to leave, he carried Maddie to the car. He set her into her car seat and got her fastened in, as Rayna watched. He looked at her for her approval and she smiled and nodded. As she opened her car door and got ready to get in, he reached out and grabbed her arm. She turned back to him with a confused look on her face. He leaned in and kissed her, softly at first, but then more insistently. He heard her moan deep in her throat and he felt her hand against his cheek. He didn't want to stop kissing her, didn't want to stop feeling her tongue against his.

He finally let her go and looked down at her face, her eyelids slightly closed, her mouth slightly open as she breathed in and out. Then she raised her eyelids and looked fully into his eyes, and he smiled at her. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said and he brushed her lips with his again. Then he stepped back so she could get in her car. He hadn't really planned it, but once he'd done it, it had felt good.

She smiled at him and he thought she finally looked happy. And that made him happy. "See you tomorrow," she said, her voice a little breathless. Then he closed the door and stood watching as she and Maddie drove away. He put his hands in his pockets and smiled to himself, feeling like things were finally going to turn around for them.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She smiled all the way to Tandy's. She didn't want to assume too much. She knew it was all still fragile. She had stood in the kitchen and thought they had a chance at a breakthrough, but now she felt as though something really had changed for both of them. She lifted her hand and touched her fingers to her lips, where his had been. She had more hope now, that things would work out in the end.

When she got to Tandy's, she pulled the diaper bag out and slung it over her shoulder, then reached back in and unbuckled Maddie from her car seat. She had just settled the baby on her hip and closed the car door, when an unfamiliar man walked up to her. She felt a niggle of apprehension run through her body.

"Rayna Jaymes?" the man asked.

She looked at him. Maddie seemed to snuggle in closer, her fingers in her mouth. The man had an envelope in his hand. "Yes," she said, a little warily.

He handed her the envelope. "You've been served," he said, and then he ran off in the direction he'd come. She stood there and watched him, but then Maddie started to fuss. She took one last look and then she hurried up the steps and let herself into Tandy's condo. Her heart was pounding and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe.

She put Maddie in the pack and play, ignoring her daughter's whimpers of protest, and dropped the diaper bag, before sitting on the couch and tearing open the envelope. When she pulled out the contents, she saw that one was a custody order and the other was a temporary restraining order. She felt sick to her stomach as she skimmed through the two documents. Teddy was asking for joint custody on a temporary basis until the status of their marriage was resolved. The restraining order was to not allow Deacon within a hundred feet of Maddie, based on his status as a "known addict with a violent temper".

She stood up and threw the documents on the floor, pacing the living room. She couldn't believe Teddy was actually doing this. It made her wonder what she'd ever seen in him, back when he'd seemed so kind and caring about her 'situation'. "He's just a manipulative ass," she said to herself. "And if he thinks he's going to make this stick…." Maddie's crying got louder and she turned to her daughter. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry," she said, going over and picking Maddie up. The little girl put a finger in her mouth and laid her other hand on Rayna's shoulder, as she quieted down but still hiccupped from her crying. Rayna kissed her on the forehead. "I'm sorry, baby," she murmured. "Let's get you something to eat."

* * *

She was upstairs giving Maddie a bath when she heard Tandy come in. "Rayna, where are you?" she called out.

"Upstairs," Rayna called back. She reached for a towel and, lifting her wet daughter out of the bath, wrapped her up in it and fluffed her hair. Maddie laughed and waved her hands, babbling away. Rayna held her close, smelling the scent of baby soap and shampoo, still thinking about the documents Teddy had served her with.

"Hey there," Tandy said from the bathroom door. Rayna stood up and turned to look at her. Tandy's brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"

Rayna frowned. "I got served today," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Served? For what?"

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Teddy made good on his threat. He wants joint physical custody of Maddie and he's asked for a restraining order against Deacon."

Tandy screwed up her face. "What?"

Rayna glared at her. "You heard me. Sweet, kind Teddy Conrad has now decided to play dirty in his little competition with Deacon."

Tandy walked over and put her arms around her sister. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry." And then Rayna burst into tears. When Maddie started to fuss, Tandy took her from Rayna. She got her dressed for bed and laid her in her crib, covering her with a blanket. She rubbed Maddie's back for a few minutes to get her settled down. "Shh, sweet baby," she said softly. "Everything's going to be fine." When Maddie finally drifted off, Tandy went back to Rayna, who was sitting on the edge of the tub, wiping her eyes. Tandy sat down next to her and put her arm around her sister's shoulders. "I know you don't want to hear this, but talk to Daddy."

Rayna looked at Tandy, her eyes red. "What if he can't, you know, take care of this?"

Tandy took a deep breath. "Has Deacon taken a paternity test yet?"

"He's actually going tomorrow."

Tandy nodded. "Good. That will help. Be sure to tell Daddy that." She hugged Rayna closer to her. "Look, sweetie, I know you don't want to have to do this and, lord knows, I don't want you to either, but you'll feel better if you can take back some control." She peered at Rayna. "Has he filed for divorce? Have you?"

Rayna shook her head. "I told him he could, but he hasn't." She sighed. "I guess I'll have to."

"I would take care of that, then, as soon as you can."

Rayna sniffed, tears still in her eyes. "Deacon's going to be so angry," she said.

Tandy nodded, her face grim. "Yes, I suppose he will be." She looked sharply at Rayna. "It's up to you to make sure he doesn't screw this up."

Rayna pulled out of Tandy's embrace and frowned. "Just one more reason I should have told Deacon the truth from the beginning," she said. Then she got up and walked out of the bathroom, down the hall to the bedroom, and slammed the door shut.

* * *

She was just dozing when Maddie started to whimper. She opened her eyes and just laid there for a minute, hoping her daughter would settle back down. But when she didn't, she pushed back the sheets and got out of bed, walking over to the crib. Maddie was sitting up, her little face screwed up, tears rolling down her cheeks. _Oh, my poor baby, it's been a tough day, hasn't it?_ When Maddie saw her, she rolled onto all fours and crawled to the crib rail, pulling herself up. Rayna reached in and pulled her up, walking over to the bed with her.

"You want to lay down with mama for a little bit, baby girl?" she asked softly. Maddie stuck her fingers in her mouth. Rayna sat on the edge of the bed and put Maddie down in the middle, then slid under the covers and pulled her daughter towards her. Maddie curled into her and seemed to settle down. "Close your eyes, sweet girl," she said. "You're safe with me. I'll take care of you." She rubbed Maddie's back and kissed her cheek. "I'll always be here for you, sweet girl. I'll always be your refuge." She breathed in and a memory came back to her.

 _They were laying on the bed together. It was their last few hours before she took him to rehab, for the second time. She had hoped, when he went the first time, that he'd never go through this again, but she had been told to prepare for the reality that the first time usually wasn't the last. He'd stayed sober almost seven months, but then they had fought. She couldn't even remember what they'd fought about anymore. It could have been the crowds that shouted out 'show us your tits' or it could have been a fight he'd had with someone who'd grabbed her arm. Or it could have been the nightmares he still sometimes had, about his childhood and his father and the terror of that time. Whatever it was, he'd had a drink or two to help cover up his feelings and then it became four or five and then he was drunk more than he was sober and they were back to that cycle they'd been in before she'd put him in rehab the first time._

 _When she had called Riverside, they told her they could take him in in two days. So she had cancelled everything on her calendar and stayed by his side, keeping him sober for those two days. She'd held him while he cried, clung to him as he lashed out at her for sending him back, made love to him to show him her commitment to him, soothed him after a bad dream. She protected him, she always had. She kept him safe, as much as she could, just like always. And he cried in her arms, telling her how sorry he was to have disappointed her again._

" _I don't deserve you, baby," he told her sadly._

" _Don't be silly, Deacon," she said. "I love you. I will always be here for you."_

" _I got such a dark past though. You don't need that."_

" _I need_ _you_ _, though, babe. I'm your family, you know? Your safe place. I'll always be here." She kissed his cheek. "Let me help you. Let me be there for you." She held him for a long time, wanting nothing more than to take away the pain, take away the hurt. She would hold him in the dark times, protecting him. She could do this for him._

She looked down at Maddie and saw that she was asleep. She moved away from her and slid out of the bed. She found her notebook and sat in the chair by Maddie's crib and, using the night light to see the page, she started to jot down some thoughts.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon got to Rayna's doctor's office a little before ten. There were three other women sitting in the waiting room, which shouldn't have surprised him, but somehow it did. Two of them were pregnant, which made him think about why he was here. He walked up to the window and let the receptionist know he was there and then sat to wait. He kept his eyes on his hands in his lap, but he could see that the women were looking at him curiously, obviously wondering why a man would be alone at a women's doctor's office. He breathed a sigh of relief when a nurse came almost immediately to get him. She put him in one of the examination rooms and left, closing the door.

He wasn't sure what he should do. There was an exam table with what looked like inverted stirrups attached that looked quite uncomfortable. Maybe he'd ask Rayna about that. He didn't feel right sitting there, so he sat in the one other chair in the room. When the door opened, he stood up. A woman wearing a white coat walked in. She seemed brisk and business-like, older than him but not too old. She held out her hand and smiled. "Mr. Claybourne?" He took her hand and nodded. "Hi. I'm Dr. Morris."

"Hey," he said. "Um, nice to meet you."

She had a file folder in her hand, which she laid on the counter. "This won't take but a second. I'm just going to swab the inside of your cheek." He nodded. "Just for your information, I will handle this myself, the same way I handled it before. The results will come back to me personally and I will get them to Rayna as quickly as possible."

He nodded. "Okay. Thank you." He thought about the fact that she would have done this same thing with Teddy and he felt a flicker of anger, but then reminded himself they were working to fix this.

She opened up a package and took out what looked like a long Q-tip. He opened his mouth and she ran the swab inside his cheek and then placed it in a bag and sealed it. She looked back at him. "That's it," she said. "I'll put a rush on this."

"Thanks. And thank you for doing this."

She waved him off and then patted him on the arm. "No problem. Rayna is one of my favorite patients. I'm happy to help her with this." She picked up her folder and the test kit and left the room. He walked out right after her.

As he walked through the waiting room, he noticed the same women were still there. They all looked up at him again and he found himself wondering if they knew exactly why he was there.

* * *

As he drove back across town towards Sound Check, he found himself feeling cautiously optimistic about the future. He knew he and Rayna still had some things to work through, that it wouldn't all be easy. _Hell, when has anything ever been easy for us?_ He still felt hurt over what had transpired around Maddie and the decisions Rayna had made, but he wanted to get past it and move on, the three of them as a family. He was still nervous about Teddy's intentions, but he would trust Rayna to handle that.

What really felt good was thinking about Maddie. He had felt a pull towards her from the moment he'd met her and he understood now that it was that biological connection. He knew he hadn't been Maddie's father long, but he was ready. He wanted to be her daddy in every sense of the word, love her and protect her, watch her grow up to be the best she could be. It brought tears to his eyes to think about having this chance.

The reality was that he wouldn't have had an opportunity to be Maddie's father if Rayna hadn't decided she couldn't hide that secret anymore. So, even if she did lie to him or just fail to tell him, the truth was that, in the end, she couldn't live with that and she'd done the right thing. And he was grateful for that.

* * *

He got to rehearsal just before they were scheduled to start. He sought out Rayna. "It's done," he said. "She said she'd send you the results."

She looked up at him and he thought she looked distracted. "Okay," she said and started to walk off. He reached for her arm and she turned back. "What?"

He frowned. "You okay?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I'm fine." She pulled her arm away. "We need to get started. Are you ready?"

He felt confused. She had looked so happy when she'd left him the day before, and now she looked decidedly _not_ happy. "Yeah, sure," he said.

* * *

After rehearsal, he was packing up his guitar. "Deacon?" Rayna called out to him. He looked up and over at her. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," he said. She gestured for him to follow her and he walked behind her to a private office at Sound Check. She closed the door behind him. "What's up?" he asked.

She leaned against the wall and looked up, almost like she wanted to cry. "When I got to Tandy's yesterday? I got served," she said, her voice shaky with emotion.

He frowned. "Served?"

She still didn't look at him, but nodded her head. "Teddy's asking for joint custody of Maddie, while we 'sort out our marriage situation'," she said, using air quotes for emphasis.

He put his hands on his hips and shifted his weight. "I don't get…."

Then she looked at him. " _And_ a restraining order."

He raised his eyebrows. "A what?"

"A temporary restraining order. I'm not allowed to have Maddie within a hundred feet of you. That he wants to make permanent."

He felt as angry as he'd ever felt in his life. "Are you kidding me?" he shouted. He put his hands behind his head and started to pace. Then he whirled around to her. "How the hell can he do something like that?"

She still looked like she wanted to cry. "Well, you know he…."

He took two steps towards her. He pointed his finger towards her and scowled. "If you had just told the truth from the very beginning, Rayna, this wouldn't be happening," he said.

Tears filled her eyes. "I _know_ that, babe, but…."

He shook his head. "No. No buts. You coulda done a lotta things different then and we wouldn't be here now. How the hell can he say I can't see my own daughter? 'Specially since he _knows_ she ain't his."

Rayna was frowning now. "I get it, Deacon, but I can't change that decision now!" she shouted back at him. "I have to deal with what is. Maybe if you could've gotten your drinking under control after, oh, I don't know, maybe the _second_ time in rehab, we wouldn't be in this position." She had stepped away from the wall and was glaring at him now.

He smiled incredulously. "Oh, so now we're back to it's all _my_ fault. _I_ somehow made you lie, made you come up with a plan to pass my daughter off as someone else's."

She put her hands on her hips. "Stop it!" she shouted. "You know it's not that simple! And you know why I did it! Damn it, Deacon, you couldn't even remember what was going on half the time. You can't even remember being with me the night I got pregnant!"

He felt a little like she'd just slapped him. He took a step back, his hands up. "Yeah, I get it, Rayna," he said. "I thought maybe, just maybe, we were working through this, but I guess not." He took a deep breath and put his hands on his hips. "So I don't get to see Maddie?"

She took a deep breath, but her eyes were still flashing with anger. He could tell she was trying to regain control of herself. "No, you don't, until I can figure this out." She looked at him evenly. "I'm going to fix this. And you need to stay away from Teddy until I do. Do you understand that?"

He huffed. "Yeah, I get it."

She started for the door and then turned back. "I'm gonna call off rehearsals for the next couple days. And I'll let you know when I get things taken care of." She pointed a finger at him. "Until I do, just don't do anything stupid." Then she flung open the door and walked out.

He stood there, just looking at where she'd been, and then he made an angry noise and punched at the air.


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: I paraphrased some dialog in this chapter from the phenomenal series 'This Is Us'. I thought what Rebecca said to Jack fit perfectly with the aftermath of Deacon and Rayna's fight._

Rayna was shaking as she got into her car. She hadn't meant to argue with Deacon, shouldn't have taken the bait he threw out there, but the truth was, this was tearing her up inside. She had lived with the deception and made the decision not to do that any longer and yet it was still blowing up in her face. She hated the idea of going to her father for any kind of help, but she didn't know what else to do. She just couldn't let this go on.

She started her car and headed downtown to her father's office.

* * *

When her father's assistant led her into Lamar Wyatt's office, he got up and walked around his desk. "Well, well, this is quite a surprise," he said, with a smile she wasn't sure was genuine. He didn't move to hug her or express any other affection, so she just gave him a tight smile in return.

"Hey, Daddy," she said. She looked around her at Lamar's grand office. He had a corner office, with great views of downtown Nashville, much of which his company was responsible for building. He still had the same beautiful old mahogany furniture she remembered from her childhood. The oil painting of their family, painted when she was six and Tandy was ten was still hanging on the wall opposite his desk. And there was the same wall of books that had always been there. Just as she had wondered years ago, she wondered today what those books were for and if her father had ever actually looked at any of them.

Lamar gestured to one of the large, luxurious club chairs opposite his desk. "Please, sit down," he said.

She felt so out of place here. She had never liked coming downtown to see him when she was a little girl, when her mother would put her and Tandy in the car and bring them with her. They would wait for Virginia in the lobby and Rayna remembered her mother never looked happy when she came to fetch them afterwards. That was back before she really understood the fighting going on between her parents and before Lamar had become an absentee parent after her mom had died. She had felt like, for almost as long as she could remember, a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. She had quickly quit trying, which had only resulted in a feeling of being on the outside. It had only been when she'd started going to open mics that she felt like she had found where she belonged. And just a minute in this environment had taken her back to those days when she felt like she didn't fit. "Thank you for seeing me, without an appointment," she said as she sat.

Lamar sat in the other chair and waved her off. "Family never needs an appointment, Rayna," he said. He looked at her expectantly.

She took a deep breath and smiled at him with a warmth she didn't actually feel. "You realize I haven't asked you for a favor since I was sixteen years old," she said.

He nodded and smiled. "I am well aware of that," he said.

She breathed out. "I don't know what Tandy's told you," she started.

"I know enough," he said.

She looked away. Much as she sometimes hated her sister's reputation as the mouth of the south, this was one time when she was grateful she didn't have to recount all the details. "Well, uh, Teddy's served me with a request for joint custody of Maddie and a restraining order to, um, keep her away from Deacon…."

"Rayna," he interrupted, and she looked back at him. "When will you have the test results?"

She supposed she should have been surprised by that, but she just shook her head a bit, thinking Tandy had not been able to keep herself from trying to help, as she would put it. She looked back at her father. "A couple days, I think. He went this morning."

"We can probably prevail upon the lab to expedite the results." He reached out and patted her hand. "Don't you worry about it. I'll take care of it."

She felt tears spring unexpectedly to her eyes. "You're sure?" she asked. "I mean, I know how you feel…."

"Rayna, you're my daughter. I know things haven't been exactly…familial…between us over the years, but I hope you know I would always help you if you needed it." He looked at her carefully. "Are you filing for divorce?"

She sighed. "I had hoped Teddy would do that, but he hasn't."

"I'll have one of our lawyers file the paperwork for you, with full custody of Maddie."

She took a deep breath. "Thank you," she said. She stood up then and he did as well.

He took her hand again then. "You'll hear from the court when they have things arranged on Teddy's issue. It should be a very simple matter to have this all handled for you." He smiled. "Give my little granddaughter a kiss for me."

She gave him a quick smile. "I will, Daddy. Thanks again." She withdrew her hand from his and turned to walk out the door.

When she got to her car, she sat for a few minutes with her hands on the steering wheel and breathed in and out, feeling the first sense of relief she'd had since this had begun. She finally drove out of the parking garage and headed for Tandy's.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon stormed into his house, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter. He made another angry noise and slammed his hand on the counter next to his keys, then regretted the sting. He wished he hadn't said what he had to Rayna, but the thought of Teddy fucking Conrad trying to take something that wasn't his made him see red. He realized Rayna had been scared to tell him, afraid he'd react just exactly the way he had. The way he always did. Out of control.

He stood at the counter, breathing in and out. _I need a meeting._ He picked up his keys and walked back out of the house.

* * *

He hadn't been back home even thirty minutes when a knock came at his front door. He was in the kitchen, cleaning up a couple days' worth of dirty dishes, and wiped his hands on the kitchen towel. He walked out into the living room. The position of the sun was such that whoever was there was backlit and he couldn't tell who his visitor was. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Rayna standing there, holding Maddie.

"Hey," she said, smiling tentatively.

He felt a sense of relief and smiled back. "Hey." He felt rooted to the spot, just looking at the two of them, surprised but happy to see them.

She looked a little amused. "Can we come in?"

He grinned sheepishly. "Oh, sorry, yeah." He stepped back and watched her walk in. Maddie reached her hand out and made a noise that almost sounded like 'hey'. He smiled at her and closed the door. "I didn't expect to see you," he said.

She set down the diaper bag and turned around. "I didn't expect to be here, actually," she said. "But…I thought we should probably talk. You know, after everything." He nodded. She sat down and set Maddie on the couch beside her. He thought she looked wrung out.

He frowned. "So, uh, I thought you couldn't bring Maddie to see me," he said. Of course, it wouldn't be the first time Rayna had done whatever she damn well pleased, but he hadn't been sure she would risk pissing Teddy off more.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, it doesn't appear as though he has anyone following me, so as long as neither of us says anything, I think we're okay." She looked up at him then. "Why don't you sit down?"

"Oh, okay." He sat on the coffee table opposite her, putting the kitchen towel he'd inadvertently carried with him down on the table beside him. He swallowed. "Rayna, I…."

She shook her head. "Deacon, don't apologize. I know you feel bad. _I_ feel bad." She shrugged sadly. "But we meant what we said. I know we hate the way we said it, but we meant it, and we can't just pull it all back, even if we want to." She breathed in. "We're just gonna have to work through it, you know?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I want to."

She nodded and sighed. He thought she almost looked defeated and he wasn't sure he liked what that might mean. "So, I told you I'd figure things out. And as it turns out, my only real option here was to ask my father for help." She made a face. "And you can imagine how excited I was about _that_ prospect."

He raised his eyebrows. "Well, I'm sure that didn't go so well."

She shrugged. "Actually, he surprised me. He had evidently already figured out you were Maddie's father, Tandy told me. So I at least didn't have to go through all that. But, you know, Daddy has connections everywhere, and he said he would handle it."

He frowned. "What does that mean?"

"I don't really know exactly, but my guess is that he knows a judge, or something, who can make sure all this goes away. The key, though, is your paternity test, so I guess he's going to see if he can get the lab to expedite it."

He nodded and then he rubbed his face with his hands. "So what do we do now? About the rest?" he said.

She sighed. "Take a breath. Understand it's not going to be easy." She rubbed her hands over her jeans. "I think maybe we aren't quite as far along this path as we thought."

He breathed in. "Maybe." He looked over and saw Maddie sprawled out on the couch beside Rayna and breathing deeply in sleep. "Wish I could fall asleep as quick as her," he said, with a wistful smile.

Rayna smiled back. "Babies and dogs," she said. "They can be going a hundred percent and then fall asleep on a dime." She sighed. "I wish I could do that too. I've had way too many sleepless nights, I'm afraid."

He raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, me too." He thought about the fact that they'd been doing this for over a month, ever since she'd told him Maddie was his daughter. He was learning more and more about being a father to a one year old. He'd never really considered that one day this might happen. Actually, that wasn't totally true. He and Rayna had often talked, when they were together, about being together into old age and having a family one day, but it had always been sort of a concept and not a plan. Much like they talked about getting married. Only they had been together for eleven years with no definitive plan for that either. He knew it was because of him, because of his drinking. Rayna was afraid of that, afraid of what it meant long-term, and so they'd just gone on as they always had, talking in concepts and letting life happen. But now the part that had been having a family was no longer concept but reality. There was a flesh-and-blood baby girl laying on his couch who said 'we are a family'.

He watched as Rayna ran her hand gently over Maddie's back. "Will you tell me? What you were thinking back then?" he asked her.

She looked at him and ran her tongue over her lips. "Yeah, sure." She took a deep breath. "I, uh, hm, I'm not sure where to start exactly."

"How 'bout with when you decided not to tell me?"

 _ **~nashville~**_

She swallowed. It was clearly the crux of all of this, especially for him, so she supposed it made sense to start there. "Well, I think I told you that I actually _did_ go to tell you. At least to talk to you about it. Because there was, uh, a chance she might not have been yours. But when Tandy and I got to the cabin, you were pretty wasted and out of control. You'd checked yourself out of rehab – the fourth time – so clearly you weren't committed to it." She found herself reliving that day, both the sorrow and the anger. She could see his jaw clench and his eyes got steely. She breathed out. "It's true, Deacon. You were a mess. You'd been a mess as long as I'd known you and at that moment, I didn't know if you had it in you to get better. You know?"

He looked away for a moment, then back at her, a scowl on his face. "But you couldn't have tried? Maybe not then, but another time? You just, what, ran straight to Teddy?"

She could feel tears in her eyes that she didn't want, so she breathed in, forcing herself to push her emotions into a box. "Not right then, no. But even though I didn't think the chances were great, it was always possible she could've been his."

He let out a short angry laugh. "So, it was okay to tell him, but not me."

She glared at him. "He wasn't a drunk, Deacon. He wasn't the one who'd been to rehab four times and wasn't able to make it work. He wasn't the one who got into fights and ended up in jail or the hospital." She gestured towards Maddie. "Now that you know her, is that what you would have wanted for her? Is that the life you think would've been a positive one for her?"

He looked down then. "But you married him. Not knowing for sure."

"Yes, I did. Because I didn't want all the speculation. Because he offered something you clearly could not at that time." She took a deep breath. "Damn it, Deacon, I wanted to marry _you_. I always wanted to marry _you_. And have a family together. You know that. But I had to think about her. And what was best for her." She raised her eyebrows. "And you know what? Teddy was a good father. He loved her. From the moment she was born, even though she wasn't his, he loved her. I knew he would keep her safe and that was what was important to me then."

He looked back at her, his eyes filled with pain and hurt. "But you never gave me a chance, Rayna. Maybe it woulda worked."

She sighed. "You know, there have certainly been times when I wondered if it would have. But I don't think so. Not then. The one thing I do realize now is that I should have told you. I think I was right not to do it when I first found out, but when I knew she wasn't Teddy's, I should have told you."

"So why now?"

"I watched you with her. And I watched _you_. I had given up thinking you'd ever make this sobriety thing work, Deacon. I mean, who goes through rehab five times? But, I see something different this time. And maybe it was that we weren't together, I don't know. But I could see you working hard at this, understanding that it was important to do this for yourself." She looked down at her hands. "And, quite honestly, I started to think about what would happen if I let this continue, about how you would feel and how she would feel." She sighed. "It felt a little bit like playing God, somehow. I had these lives in my hands and I was making decisions about them without anyone knowing I was doing it. Like somehow I had the right to play God like that." She reached up and rubbed her eyes, then looked at him. "I loved you, Deacon. And thinking about doing something deliberately hurtful and deceitful to someone I loved just didn't sit well with me. That's why now."

He reached out and put his hand gently on Maddie's back. She twitched just a little but didn't wake up. He breathed in. "You said you did the test after she was born."

"Right."

"How did you feel when you found out?"

"I had a lot of complicated feelings. But I was glad she was our daughter."

He frowned again. "But not glad enough to tell _me_." He huffed. "What was the plan, Rayna? You and Teddy talk about that? I mean, y'all made decisions about me, _for_ me, but what was the plan for _telling_ me? You ever think about that?"

She felt the pressure of tears behind her eyes and nose. "There wasn't a plan," she said. He made an angry noise and got up, walking over to the fireplace. He rested one hand on the mantle and she could see him working his lip. She breathed in slowly. "When are you going to stop being angry at me?" she asked, her voice soft.

He turned to her and raised his eyebrows. "When are you gonna stop being angry at _me_?" he responded.

She drew her breath in sharply. He was right, though. They both had anger to work through. She looked over at Maddie then, still sleeping soundly, then back at Deacon. "Can you take her and put her down?" He nodded and walked over to pick up their sleeping daughter. As he walked back to the back bedroom, she got up and started pacing the room. She heard the bedroom door close.

She was standing in the dining room when he walked back out. She took a deep breath. "I don't want to be angry at you, Deacon," she said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He stood at the entrance to the dining room and rubbed his face with his hands. "I don't either, Rayna," he said. He lifted his shoulders, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Every time I think I get close, though, something brings it back. Like this damn Teddy stuff." He shook his head. "I don't know, it's like it just eats away at me, I guess."

He watched as she put her hands on her hips and looked down at the floor for a second, then back at him. "I know it does, Deacon," she said. "Believe me. And, truthfully, he's kinda turned into someone I don't really know. If that makes you feel any better." She walked over to the table and put her hands on the back of one of the chairs. Then she looked back at him. "Do you really understand what life was like for me back then?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, Rayna," he said, with a touch of annoyance. "I was a drunk. I let you down in probably a thousand different ways. You threw my ass into rehab more times than a person should have. So yeah, I think I do."

She frowned. "Actually I'm not sure you really do, Deacon," she said. She faced him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Yeah, you were a drunk and you let me down a thousand different ways. I had to drag you out of bars and hotel rooms, get you out of hospital beds and jail cells. And I put you in rehab more times than I ever thought a person should have to go. But I also never knew when you were gonna show up for a rehearsal or a show or a recording session. Or if you did show up, could you even perform?" He could feel the tension eating at him as he listened, but he kept his temper in check. "I mean, this was my _career_ , Deacon. You were messing with my _career_." She leaned back, spreading her arms out. "Not to mention your own, really. I mean, if you weren't in _my_ band, who was gonna hire you? Huh?"

He worked his lip. "So why didn't you just let me go, Rayna?" he asked, frowning at her. "If it was that much of a burden, why did you keep doing it?"

She looked surprised. "Why? Because I _loved_ you, Deacon, that's why. I was _scared_ for you. I didn't want you to…to _die_."

He could see her getting emotional and he turned away. "But why Teddy? And why then?"

She sighed and walked over to lean against the wall. "I guess because he wasn't you. He wasn't anything like you. I was just so damn tired, Deacon. And nothing I was doing seemed to help. Do you have any idea how much time you lost, just drinking? How many times you couldn't remember what you'd done or where you'd been?" He turned back to look at her. "That was the scariest part, for me. You have no idea what that's like. How heartbreaking." Her voice had gotten soft and shaky and he felt a pit in the bottom of his stomach. She bit her lip. "I've never been more scared in my life than I was then. I couldn't help you." She wiped at her eyes. "So I walked away," she whispered. She swallowed. "Hardest thing I ever did in my life."

He stood watching her as she struggled not to cry. He breathed in and then he walked over towards her. She looked up at him and he worked his lip for a second. "I just wish…." He let out a sharp laugh and shook his head. "I get it, Rayna. I was a mess. You're right. I guess I just wish, I don't know, you'd had more faith in me or maybe you thought I had a right to know. That's all." She leaned back against the wall, her hands behind her back, just looking up at him, tears in her eyes. "She's all I got, Ray," he said hoarsely. "I don't wanna lose her. I just got her and…." He couldn't finish.

As he looked into her eyes, he felt the same chemical charge he'd felt before, felt a raw need well up inside him. He was breathing hard, she was breathing hard. He could see in her eyes that she was feeling the same thing and he stepped towards her. He laid his hands on her waist and felt her tense and then relax. He pulled her blouse from the waistband of her jeans. He started to work on her belt with a sense of urgency, keeping his eyes locked on hers. He could feel her work on his belt and saw her breathe in deeply. Quickly, roughly, he pushed down her jeans and panties and they slid to the floor. He brushed her hands aside as she stepped out of her jeans and then he pushed down his own until they pooled at the top of his boots. She looked back at him, her eyes dark with a raw need. He heard a tiny moan escape her lips and he bent his knees and slid his hands under her thighs, lifting her slightly. She grabbed onto his shoulders and wrapped her legs around his waist, then gasped as he entered her.

He shifted her slightly, their faces even, their eyes locked on each other's. They were both breathing heavily. She fisted his hair and he pressed her back against the wall, as they established a rhythm. It wasn't long before he could feel she was right on the edge, as was he. She whispered his name over and over. Finally he closed his eyes and shouted out incoherently as he exploded inside her, feeling her pulsing around him. She lowered her head to his shoulder and leaned into his neck as he held her there. Then she let out a long, jagged breath and he lowered her to the floor as he pulled away from her. He could feel her stumble just a bit, as though her legs were unsteady, and he held her tightly against him. Her face was buried in his chest and he felt her breathing start to slow. That's when she started to cry.

He moved his arms around her shoulders and leaned his cheek on the top of her head. "Don't cry, baby," he whispered. She clung to his shirt and he felt the wetness on his chest and he just held her close.

She finally lifted her head and looked up at him. "I want to fix all this," she said. He knew she meant more than just the situation with Teddy.

He moved his hands to cradle her face and leaned in to press a kiss gently on her lips. "Me too, baby," he said. "Me too." Just then, Maddie started to fuss and he raised his head. "I'll get her," he said, reaching down to pull up his jeans. He looked at her again, running a hand over her hair. "We'll work it out." She nodded and he walked back to get Maddie.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna had changed her mind about canceling the second day of rehearsal, so everyone came in as scheduled. As they finished up, she turned to everyone and said, "I think we're ready." She smiled. "I think this is gonna be a great album." She turned towards Bucky, who was sitting at the table below the stage, along with Watty and Randy Roberts, her producer. "Y'all, do we have studio time set up yet?"

Bucky stood up. "Band in for the next two weeks to lay down instrumental tracks. Rayna and Deacon, we'll do some more scratch tracks next week too, then schedule final vocal sessions after we have the instrumentals nailed down."

Rayna smiled. "Thanks, Buck." She turned back to the band and clapped her hands together with excitement. "Great news! We're ready to go." She looked at Deacon. "Thanks for working out the arrangements. I could not be happier with what we've got."

Deacon smiled sheepishly. "No problem, Ray," he said.

Rayna waited until Deacon had his guitar packed up. "Um, Deacon, could I talk to you a sec?" She inclined her head slightly towards the offices.

He nodded. "Sure."

She smiled and walked across the stage and down the steps, with him following her. She walked down the main hallway, then veered off on a side hallway. She opened a door and he followed her in, then she closed the door and locked it, flipping on a light.

He looked around and frowned. "Ain't this a closet?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I didn't want to wait to tell you. Dr. Morris called me this morning before I left and the results came back." He raised his eyebrows. "As we expected. So, I called Daddy and he's going to do whatever it is he's going to do." She bit her lip. "I just wanted you to know."

She watched him and saw a myriad of emotions cross his face. He breathed in, then walked over and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around him and felt him kiss her forehead. "You think this is all gonna work?" he asked.

She looked up at him. "I do." She stepped back. "Um, Maddie and I move into the apartment tomorrow. Why don't you come by? Maybe for dinner tomorrow?"

He smiled. "Sure, I can do that. Just give me the address and I'll be there." He winked. "I'll bring the Chinese food."

She laughed. "As long as you get moo goo gai pan. You know that's my favorite."

"Oh, I remember," he said, with a smirk.

She wrote down the address and handed it to him. "Come by whenever you're ready. I'll just be unpacking." She smiled. "You can entertain Maddie."

He nodded. "Sounds good." He went to pick up his guitar and she reached out and took his hand. He turned to face her.

"I really do want to work things out," she said, with a shy smile.

He looked back at her and she couldn't quite tell what he was thinking. He breathed in and looked up at the ceiling, then back down at her. "I think we need to take it slow," he said. "We kinda skipped a bunch of steps here and, well…."

She couldn't help but feel a little deflated. "I understand," she said. "I do."

He raised his eyebrows. "Do you?"

She nodded. "But I want us to get past this. Do you think we can?"

"I want to. I don't wanna be, you know, angry all the time." He leaned in and brushed her lips with his. She slipped her hand around his neck, trying to hold him there, but he pulled back. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said. He stepped back and picked up his guitar. Then he walked to the door and unlocked it and let himself out, without looking back.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He found the apartment, just off West End. It was a high-rise, with someone at the front desk who had to buzz him upstairs. He wasn't surprised. She was famous now, easily recognizable, and, now that she had a baby, she would want the privacy. Of course, she'd always wanted privacy, even when they lived in non-descript apartments that were a lot less desirable than this.

As he had driven over, he'd thought about all those years they'd been together. The first nice place they'd had had been the cabin, although they didn't live there full-time. It was her dream house and he'd bought it for them to grow old in. They'd lived in it one summer but Rayna thought it was too far away for a full-time residence, so they'd moved back to Nashville and used it as their weekend house.

" _Look at us, Deacon," she said, laughing. "We have a 'weekend house', just like the fancy people do."_

 _He pulled her close and kissed her, laughing with her. "Baby, you are a fancy person," he murmured into her ear._

 _She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, letting her lips linger. "Oh, you know I left that behind years ago," she said. She kissed him again, opening her mouth to his and chasing his tongue. When she finally let him go, she was a little breathless. She slid her fingers into the hair on the nape of his neck. "My home is wherever you are," she said. "You're my home, Deacon. You'll always be my home." She pressed her hips against him then, letting him know she wanted him to make love to her._

 _He let his hands drift down to her ass, pressing her closer, letting her feel how much he desired her. She moaned a little in the back of her throat. "Come on, baby," he whispered against her lips. "Let me take care of my fancy girl." She giggled then and let him take her by the hand and lead her to the bedroom._

As he rode up the elevator to the eleventh floor, he thought about how, when he'd seen her again right before the tour, she had looked like that young Rayna, back when he hadn't disappointed her as much or caused her the type of pain that had put them where they were now. He sighed, thinking that if he could have just stayed sober, just figured out how to overcome his demons, they wouldn't be trying to figure out how to navigate deception and hurt and figuring out how to trust again.

She opened the door after he knocked. He caught his breath as he looked at her. She had on no makeup, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing jeans and an old Loveless Café t-shirt and was barefoot. This was the girl he'd fallen in love with, the one he was still in love with. He held out the bag and returned her smile. "Chinese food," he said. She raised her eyebrows. "One container of moo goo gai pan included."

She clapped her hands gleefully. "Thank you!" She stepped back. "Come on in."

When he walked in, he noticed there were boxes everywhere, but the dining table was cleared off and he saw Maddie sitting in a high chair. When she saw him, she pounded happily on the tray and squealed loudly, bouncing up and down as much as she could, considering her constraints. He walked over to her and grabbed her tiny hands and kissed her on top of her head. "Hey, sweet girl," he said. His heart felt full as he looked at her. _My daughter. She is truly mine._

Rayna came over and set a dish on the table in front of him, along with a little spoon. She smiled. "I thought you might like to feed her."

He looked down at the dish. There was a blob of light brown with some colored flecks as well as something orange and something purple. He looked back at Rayna. "What's this?" he asked.

She pointed. "That's turkey and vegetables, that's carrots, and that's plums. She likes all of it and she would love to feed herself, but she'll just get it all over everywhere and not inside her. So you can feed her a spoonful at a time. You shouldn't have any problem with her not wanting something." He still looked at her, not quite sure exactly what to do. She smiled and reached over to pick up the spoon. She dipped it in the blob she'd called turkey and vegetables and filled the spoon about half full, then put it to Maddie's lips. Maddie opened her mouth and Rayna slid it in, Maddie closing her mouth down on it. As Rayna slid the spoon back out, she looked at him. "Just like that. Easy peasy."

He was a little skeptical, but said, "Okay." He took the spoon from her and started to imitate what she'd done. Turned out she was right. Maddie ate everything without a problem, although several times she'd tried to grab spoon away from him.

He didn't notice when Rayna had put music on, but when she brought the food in for the two of them, he suddenly heard the sound of classic country music. Loretta Lynn, Dottie West, Merle Haggard, the old stuff she always liked and used to play around the house when they were together. She held up the set of chopsticks. "Thanks for remembering," she said, with a smile. He'd never been able to master them, but he never forgot to get them for her.

He grinned. "I know you like to show off," he said. She made a face and snapped the chopsticks together at him twice. The dinner conversation was light, mostly about Maddie or the record or the music that was playing.

As they were finishing up, she cleared her throat. "So, I heard from the court." He raised his eyebrows. "We have a hearing first thing tomorrow morning." She looked down at her plate, moving the rice around with her chopsticks. "I'm hoping everything's resolved at the end of that." She looked up then. "I'll call you as soon as it's over.

He looked over at Maddie. "I hate you having to rely on Lamar."

She nodded and looked down at her plate again. She sighed. "I'm really sorry about all this, Deacon. I really hope one day you can forgive me for all this."

He reached for her hand, stopping her anxious tapping with the chopsticks. She looked up at him, her eyes sad. "It ain't a matter of forgiveness, Rayna," he said. "It ain't never really been about that." She looked surprised. He breathed in and then out. "I wanna _trust_ you again. That's the thing for me." He worked his lip for second. "I ain't never trusted nobody like I trusted you. I never thought you'd hide something from me, not like this. I know I put you in a bad place, where you thought you didn't have no options. I hate that and I know I'm to blame for that by disappointing you. But I _still_ woulda thought you coulda told me anything. _That's_ what I gotta get past."

"What can I do?" she asked.

"I'll get there," he said. "Don't never do it again though."

She nodded her head and looked down. It was quiet in the room, except for the music. Even Maddie was quiet, although when he glanced at her, he realized it was because she'd fallen asleep in the high chair. Rayna dropped the chopsticks on her plate, which brought his attention back to her. She pointed at the air and gave him a tiny smile. "Dance with me," she said.

He frowned. "What?"

"It's 'When You Say Nothing At All'," she said. "Dance with me." She got up from her chair and pulled him up by his hand, leading him to the center of the small living room. She smiled up at him and put her hand on his back, as he slipped his arm around her waist. He took her other hand, holding it close to his heart and they swayed back and forth to the song Rayna always referred to as their song.

She kept smiling at him, holding his eyes with hers, and he could feel a little more of his reserve slipping away.

 _All day long I can hear people talking out loud / But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd / Old Mr. Webster could never define / What's being said between your heart and mine_

 _The smile on your face lets me know that you need me / There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me / The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall / You say it best when you say nothing at all_

He couldn't help it, he leaned down and kissed her, and then she laid her head on his shoulder, as they continued to slowly sway back and forth. He looked over at Maddie, still asleep, and he thought this was what family was, that this was what they'd talked about back in the days when they had actually thought they'd spend their whole lives together.


	16. Chapter 16

Rayna laid in bed, wide awake, for a long time. Deacon had put Maddie to bed and then had left. She thought back on what he'd said. _I ain't never trusted nobody like I trusted you._ She sighed and then rolled over onto her side. _Trust._ It was about trust. She had never felt good about what she'd done. And no matter what happened in the end, she didn't regret her decision to come clean. When she thought about what it would have been like to have lived with that lie for the rest of their lives, she wasn't sure she'd have been able to do it. It seemed like there would always have been the worry that somehow, some way, it would have come out. How could they possibly have kept that secret forever?

She hoped that the hearing tomorrow would put an end to Teddy's posturing. She also hoped that, if things went her way, it would go a long way to repairing some of that loss of trust with Deacon. If she could make this right for Deacon, and for Maddie, surely he would know then that she truly wanted to make amends. She thought again about what it might have been like had she just told Deacon in the beginning.

 _The sun peeping in through the curtains woke her up. She smiled to herself as she thought back on the night before and felt the heaviness of the ring on her left hand. She would have to tell Teddy when they got back, but it wasn't as though they'd been super serious up to this point. He was a nice guy, sure, and he treated her so respectfully, but Deacon was her one true love. That had just always been true._

 _She rolled over in the bed and was surprised Deacon wasn't there. She sat up, holding the sheet against her chest and glanced around the room, listening for the sound of him in the bathroom. When she heard nothing, she slid out of bed and found a robe she slipped into. She felt an anxiety deep in the pit of her stomach as she walked to the bedroom door and opened it._

 _She walked out into the great room and there he was, laying on the couch, a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table._

She closed her eyes, remembering that mix of dread and anger as she'd confronted him. He hadn't even remembered that he'd asked her to marry him. That was the one part of the story she hadn't told him. It seemed bad enough that he didn't remember the night they'd created Maddie, without piling on the fact that he didn't remember something as significant as that.

" _Were you drunk last night when you asked me?" she asked, her voice shaking with rage._

 _He looked at her, obviously with no idea what she was talking about. "When I asked you what?" He paused. "What, baby?"_

She had never felt more torn apart as she did at that moment. She had pulled off the ring and thrown it on the floor and walked away. He had picked it up and chased after her, pulling her into a tight embrace she had struggled to get out of. But he had held her, whispering into her ear over and over to please listen to him, give him a chance to explain. She could still feel the pain, the disappointment, the feeling she had let herself be fooled. The hardest thing she'd ever done was walk away from him. It had felt like she'd torn herself in two. Even as sweet and caring as Teddy was, she couldn't forget Deacon, and she had let herself get sucked into his lies and his deceptions again.

She had taken his keys and left in his truck, leaving him stranded and furious. She had watched him in the rear view mirror as he'd stood there screaming after her until she could no longer see or hear him. She had cried all the way back to Nashville. She found the ring in her purse later, not sure how it got there. It was still in a tiny black bag in her lingerie drawer.

Since she couldn't sleep, she got up to check on Maddie. It was nice being able to put her in a separate room again. The nightlight sent off a soft yellow glow in the room and she peeked over the crib rail, but Maddie was sleeping soundly. She reached in and rearranged her light blanket just a bit and then stayed and watched her sleep.

 _She had never felt more sick in her life. The first morning she had woken up, sick to her stomach, she had tried to figure out if she had eaten something the day before that would have disagreed with her. Teddy had taken her out to dinner and she'd had chicken. It made her wonder if the chicken hadn't been fully cooked. She stopped throwing up around mid-morning, but had felt under the weather the rest of the day. She hoped it was just a twenty-four hour thing._

 _When it went on for a week, she started to worry. Not that she was truly sick, but that somehow she was pregnant. She and Teddy had only recently started sleeping together, just before that ill-fated visit to the cabin with Deacon, but he was very careful to always use a condom. She finally got up the courage to buy a pregnancy test. When she saw the two pink lines, she wept._

She walked back to her bedroom, dodging the boxes, both unopened and half opened. She climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up to her chin and pulling herself into a near fetal position. Tandy had actually been a lifesaver then, early on. Her sister had held her while she cried. Tandy was the one who tried to help her hold out hope that Deacon wasn't the baby's father, but deep down Rayna had known the truth all along. She and Deacon had not used protection. She hadn't given it a second thought, as caught up in the moment as she was.

 _Deacon was in rehab then, or at least she'd thought he was. When she had returned to Nashville after that night at the cabin, she'd sent Coleman back for him, with an edict that he go for his fourth stint. But just after she had gone to the doctor and had her pregnancy confirmed, she found out Deacon had checked himself out._

 _When she didn't find him at home, she had called Tandy, frantic with worry. "Is there anywhere else he could be?" her sister asked._

 _She sighed. "I guess he could have gone to the cabin," she said._

 _Tandy hesitated. "Do you want me to go up there with you? To see?" Rayna knew Tandy didn't like Deacon, probably didn't care about whether he was okay, but she appreciated her sister's willingness to help._

 _He was a mess when they found him. He was drinking, trashing the cabin. It had been a long time since she'd seen him that out of control. She was scared, that was the truth, as she stood there watching. When Tandy asked her if that's what she wanted for herself and her baby, she had to admit to herself it was not. She had walked away from this, and the idea that she would willingly walk back into it, with a child on the way, was something she could not fathom at that moment._

 _She looked back at Tandy, tears in her eyes. "Take me home," she whispered. She still loved Deacon with all her heart, but this was more than she could bear._

She felt tears rolling down her face. It had definitely been a scary scenario to consider. And even though she'd walked away that day, it took her a while to decide she couldn't go back. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to, but there were too many voices in her ear and in her head telling her she would be making the biggest mistake of her life if she did.

Teddy had offered marriage and protection. Tandy had reminded her, multiple times, of the carnage they had witnessed. When she thought about it now, she supposed that was when her father figured out Deacon was her baby's father. It was obvious how miserable she was. She certainly wasn't a happy bride-to-be, although she always tried to put on a good face for Teddy. Coleman had kind of put the nail in the coffin for her, though, telling her that he didn't think Deacon would get well if she didn't let him go.

And so she had. She had found a place where Deacon could go for six months and, through Coleman, had given him an ultimatum – make it work or he was on his own. It was the last time she would pay for him to go to rehab. She would replace him in her band and move on.

The tears came harder and she was shaking with her sobs. "I wish I'd gone back one more time," she whispered out loud to herself. "I wish I'd just gone and held you until you dried out. And I could have told you then and we could have done this together. I could have helped you and being a father could have made all the difference. I see how you are now and how much this has changed you. I'm so sorry." She buried her head in her pillow and cried until she finally fell asleep.

* * *

She looked at herself in the mirror of her bathroom. She'd spent fifteen minutes with ice packs on her puffy eyes and that had helped. She normally liked minimal makeup when she wasn't on stage or doing an appearance, but she had called her makeup artist – woken her up actually – and gotten an over the phone tutorial on her eye makeup, to minimize the leftover puffiness. She brushed her hair into soft waves that now fell halfway down her back.

When she'd first met Deacon, her hair was cut short, in a wavy bob. He told her one day, in passing, he liked long hair and she had let it grow. As she arranged it, she thought to herself that she actually liked long hair better. She smoothed down the knee length olive green skirt she had on and then tugged at the collar of the demure, frilly flower-patterned blouse she wore. It was one benefit to the more sedate wardrobe she'd developed, that fit her role as the wife of a businessman. It would look perfect in court.

She slid on the classic pumps and then walked into Maddie's room, where Mia was getting her dressed. She smiled happily, leaning in to put her hands on Maddie's face and give her daughter a kiss. "I'll be back soon, sweet girl," she cooed. "You be good for Mia, okay?" She stood straight and put a hand on Mia's back. "I don't know how long I'll be, but hopefully not more than a couple hours," she said.

"Don't worry, Ms. Jaymes," Mia said. "Maddie and I will be fine."

Rayna took one more second to reach out and pinch Maddie's cheek and smile at the little girl and then she headed out the front door.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon thought about Rayna as he drove home from her apartment. It had felt comfortable holding her in his arms while they danced. It was something they'd done, late at night, at the end of a good day. He didn't consider himself to be a good dancer – really didn't know how – but she had told him all they had to do was just move around together. So that's what they did. It had always felt so intimate, holding her close, but not too close, swaying back and forth to the music.

She would always close her eyes as some point, and there would be a soft smile on her face. That's when he knew she was in the moment, feeling relaxed and happy. It had always been the prelude to something more, usually sex. It had been such a long time since he'd held her in his arms like that. Towards the end of the time they were together, they didn't have as many of those sweet, intimate moments. There was a lot more fighting. And a lot more time he didn't remember.

As he pulled up in front of his house and headed up the steps, he thought about the fact that she still smelled the same, that same light floral scent in her hair. Her lips were still soft and warm and the taste of her mouth was the same. But _she_ was different. There were a few subtle changes to her shape that he'd noticed, but it was more than that. She was still fierce and she still had that same hot temper, but there was a softness to _her_ that he thought came from being a mama. Maddie had changed her.

When he got in bed, he laid there on his back, with his hands behind his head. He closed his eyes, trying, like he had multiple times, to remember Rayna being at the cabin with him. It wasn't that he'd doubted her – and the paternity test results now confirmed it was true – but he struggled with the fact that his drinking had been so out of control at that point that he wouldn't remember something like that. Making love with Rayna had always been one of those things that made him feel safe and loved and like he belonged someplace. And to someone. To not remember was just devastating.

* * *

The next morning, after hitting a meeting, he and Cole went for coffee. He sat back in the booth and looked at his friend and sponsor. "How bad was it, Cole?" he asked.

Cole stirred his coffee for a few seconds, then looked back at Deacon wearily. "How far back you want me to go?"

Deacon swallowed. "However far you gotta go, I guess," he said.

"Well, you were always pretty bad, Deacon, at least for as long as I knew you. Rayna told me about the earlier days. I mean, you know the basics. You never seemed to know when to stop drinking, but over time it got progressively worse. There were plenty of times when Rayna couldn't find you and I'd have to go looking. But when y'all were out on the road, she was on her own."

He considered that. "Why didn't she give up sooner?"

Cole shook his head. "She loved you, Deacon. In spite of all of it, she loved you." He raised his eyebrows then. "But, she also thought it was her job to protect you, keep you safe, take care of you."

He made an angry noise and looked out the window. That was the part he always regretted the most, how she took it on herself like that. It often led to arguments, slamming doors, broken glass, him leaving. The times she'd find him in a hospital or a jail cell were always the worst. Those were the times when their fights were the angriest, when the recriminations were the harshest.

 _He laid there with his eyes closed. He felt a little bit like he'd been hit by a train. His stomach felt torn up. His head hurt like a bitch. Everything hurt, although part of that was because he'd broken two fingers on his right hand. He knew he was in a hospital, because when he'd opened his eyes for two seconds, he could see the hospital bed railing and an IV line in his arm. But the light hurt his eyes and made him want to puke, so he'd closed them._

 _He had no idea where he was, – was he still in Nashville or somewhere else – how long he'd been here, or why. He did remember going to a bar and he thought he remembered it was after some kind of fight with Rayna, about drinking or passing out or something. But if he tried too hard to recall it, it made his head pound and his stomach turn over._

 _He heard footsteps approaching, purposeful footsteps, and he didn't have to open his eyes to know they were hers. And that she was pissed. As he heard them approach the bed, he made himself turn his head and open his eyes part way. She was standing there, with a cup of coffee in her hand, her face screwed up and angry. When he opened his eyes all the way, her face softened and she set down the coffee cup. She reached over and placed her soft, cool hands gently on his face._

" _Oh, my God, Deacon, you scared the hell outta me," she whispered, her voice thick with tears, the tears he saw in her eyes. "I was so worried about you."_

 _He swallowed over the nausea he felt. "How…long…" he croaked._

" _Two days," she said. That was how long he'd been in the hospital. Two days he didn't remember. "I couldn't wake you up and your breathing was so shallow." She leaned over him and brushed her lips against his. "I was so scared."_

 _He realized then that her hands were shaking. She had huge dark circles under her eyes and her face was blotchy, which meant she'd cried a lot. He felt tears well up in his own eyes. He hated to hurt her like this. "What…" he tried again to speak, but his mouth felt like it was filled with cotton._

 _Suddenly she stood up and her face got angry and pinched. "What happened?" she asked. "What always happens, Deacon. You missed a rehearsal, because you were drunk, and after we fought about it, you walked out, like you do. I found you in a bar, passed out, so drunk you almost died." She breathed in, fixing him with a piercing glare. "I've had enough. When you get out of here, you're going to rehab. Again. And damn it, Deacon, this time you need to make it stick!"_

He hadn't, of course. Oh, he would for a while. He'd come back and he'd feel great and he'd tell himself he didn't ever want to feel hung over again. But something would happen. A slight, an argument of some kind with Rayna, some guy who would paw at her and that he'd have to fight, or Vince coming around. And then he'd fall off the wagon. He'd have a few drinks, then he'd promise Rayna he would stop, after he'd told her over and over how sorry he was. And he would, for a bit, but something else would happen and he'd be back in that cycle. Always worse than before.

He thought about how tired she always looked back then. It was the first thing he'd noticed when he'd met with her before the tour, when she'd hired him back. She didn't look tired anymore. She had looked rested, relaxed, at peace. Younger, like she had when he'd met her. In the early days, when the drinking wasn't so bad. It was always why he'd tried so hard to stay sober, after rehab, after a slip up. It was why he wanted to make this time work so badly.

He looked back at Cole. "How bad did it get?" he asked again.

Cole sighed. "You had blackouts, Deacon. Sometimes you drank so much you couldn't remember where you'd been or what you'd done. Eventually it got so bad that it would wipe out stuff you'd done sober." Cole leaned forward. "That's when it got too much even for Rayna. She didn't know how to deal with that, how to help you. And you couldn't help yourself."

He rubbed his face and leaned forward on his elbows, holding his mug in both hands. "I never wanted to do that to her," he said.

Cole nodded. "I know. And I know things are different now. There's Maddie and all that, but you know she's been trouble for you from the beginning. Don't forget that."

He frowned. "How can you say that?"

Cole shook his head. "Look what she just did. I mean, I get it that she finally told you the truth, but she let you go on tour with her without telling you anything. I'm just telling you to be careful before you jump back into something with her."

"I told you we weren't…."

"Deacon, I can see it in your face. I can hear it in your voice. You're not just going to be parents together, you're gonna step back into that life. And you know, the first drink always tastes good going down."

He slammed his hand on the table and scowled. "You need to stop talking like this is some kinda addiction," he said, angrily.

Cole raised his eyebrows. "Isn't it?"

He glared across the table. "It ain't like that," he said, hearing his voice rise. He raised his hand up. "You know what? I think I got all I needed." And then he slid out of the booth and stormed out of the coffee shop.

* * *

He was still angry when he got home and he slammed the door behind him. He walked over and sat down on the couch, leaning forward, his head in his hands. This wasn't the first time Cole had referred to Rayna as an addiction and he didn't like it this time any more than he had any of the others. Cole just didn't understand how connected they were. Then he sighed. All this had done, really, was confirmed for him that he needed her back in his life.

She wasn't the kind of woman he could just have sex with and have it not matter. He couldn't do this thing where they were trying to raise up Maddie together and have it not matter. He considered the fact that up to this point Rayna had made all the decisions for both of them. Whether it was about him going to rehab or deciding not to tell him about Maddie, it always seemed that he was waiting for her to make a choice. If they were going to fit together going forward, he knew she needed to fit into _his_ life and not the other way around. _He_ was going to start making some of those choices.

Just then, his phone rang and he walked over to pick it up. "Hello?"

"Hey." It was Rayna. "It's me."

 _ **~nashville~**_

As she drove to downtown Nashville, Rayna thought about all the complicated emotions she had while she was pregnant. She had loved Teddy then, at least loved that he cared about her enough to make the kind of offer he had. As hurt as he'd been that she had slept with Deacon, he had held her while she had cried on his shoulder about the devastation she'd felt, seeing him unable to manage and overcome his demons.

The offer he had made, to marry her and raise her child as his own, had been a lifeline at the time. He had initially proposed that they not do a paternity test at all, just move forward with the assumption the baby was his. But she knew better and she couldn't stand that uncertainty. Her emotions had been all over the place, though, as she watched the baby grow inside her, as she felt her movements. She had been moody and irritable and she knew Teddy had to have chafed under that. She would never tell him how bad she felt, every time they made love. She would never tell him all the times she cried over the loss of her dream, to marry Deacon and raise up a family together.

 _She was already in bed when Teddy came to bed. She was laying on her side, as she did these days. Now that she was almost eight months pregnant, everything was uncomfortable. For some reason, this had been a particularly bad day for her. She couldn't stop thinking about Deacon, maybe because it wasn't long before he'd be getting out of rehab. It made her wonder again about whether he had a right to know about the baby. But then she'd thought about how it would just kill Teddy if he knew she was having second thoughts._

 _She felt the bed sag with his weight and then he reached out and put his arm around her. She pushed his arm away. "Teddy, please don't!" she cried, feeling agitated._

 _He drew his arm back like he'd been bitten by a snake and sat up. "What's wrong, Rayna?" he asked, sounding hurt. "You've hardly said two words to me since I got home and now I can't even hug you?"_

 _She pushed herself up and slid her legs off the side of the bed. She pressed her fists into the mattress on either side of her and looked straight ahead. "I'm sorry, Teddy," she said. "I guess I'm just hormonal." She knew his feelings were hurt, but there was nothing she could do about it. The thought of him touching her right then made her heart ache._

 _She couldn't stop herself from thinking that she was married to a man, who took care of her and made love to her and kissed her, who wasn't the father of the baby she was carrying. It had been hard for her to reconcile that in her head. She had no one to talk to about all the painful feelings she had around all of this and she often wished her mom was still alive, someone she could share this with. She also didn't want to hurt Teddy, who she was well aware loved her far more than she loved him._

" _Is there anything I can do?" he asked, sounding sad._

 _She sat there, trying to think of a way she could make this okay. Finally she said, "Maybe you could make me some tea, so I can get to sleep." And while he hurried off to do just that, she cried quietly._

When she thought now, about that Teddy, she found it hard to reconcile it with the Teddy she was seeing these days. Although she acknowledged her part in the decisions they'd made, his unwillingness to be reasonable had surprised her. She hoped the judge would see things her way.

* * *

Fortunately, the judge was able to see Rayna and Teddy as soon as she got there. She handed the court clerk a file folder that included both paternity test results. She was sure he probably already had them, but she didn't want to take anything for granted.

The judge looked over a number of documents on his desk and then looked first at Rayna, then at Teddy. "So, my understanding is that the two of you are separated, but have not yet filed for divorce?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," Rayna said.

Teddy smirked. "She's moved out of our home, if that's what you mean by separated, your Honor," he said.

She scowled at him. "I asked you to file for divorce," she said firmly.

"But this is a situation where there are separate living circumstances, correct?" the judge asked, interrupting them.

She looked back at him. "Yes, your Honor, that's correct."

The judge looked over his glasses. "And you, Mr. Conrad, would like joint custody of the infant child, uh" – he looked over the papers – "Madeline Virginia Conrad."

"Yes, your Honor," Teddy said.

The judge picked up the file folder Rayna had provided. "But I see that, even though for now you're listed as the child's legal father, you are not, in fact, her biological father, by way of these paternity test results."

"That's correct, your Honor," Rayna said, twisting her hands together in front of her.

"And then there's the matter of this temporary restraining order against the biological father?" the judge asked, seeming to be confused.

"Yes, sir," Teddy said. "He – Deacon Claybourne – is an alcoholic…."

"A recovering alcoholic," Rayna said, interrupting him. "He's been sober almost two years."

Teddy let out a short laugh. "I've provided details of the five times he's gone to rehab. As well as his arrest record," he said. As the judge looked over his documents, Teddy turned to Rayna and raised an eyebrow. "This was awfully quick. Who's daddy got us a hearing this quickly?"

Rayna rolled her eyes, but the judge looked up and said, "Mr. Wyatt did place a call to my chambers, stating that the two of you would want this matter settled as quickly as possible." He then sat back. "Ms. Jaymes, what's your intent with respect to the second paternity test?"

"Well, Deacon – Mr. Claybourne – would like to establish his paternity rights with respect to Maddie. It is his intent to ask that her birth certificate be updated."

Teddy frowned. "I'm going to fight that request, your Honor."

The judge looked back and forth between the two of them. "Mr. Conrad, I understand why you might want to do that, but absent any other compelling evidence to the contrary, my guess is that Mr. Claybourne's request will be granted." He looked at Rayna. "I would advise you, Ms. Jaymes, to allow some level of visitation for Mr. Conrad until the birth certificate issue is resolved. And I'm going to dissolve the temporary restraining order." He folded his hands in front of him. "I would also suggest one of the two of you file for divorce, if that's the ultimate intent." He then slammed his gavel on his desk to indicate the hearing was over.

"Thank you, sir," Rayna said. She could see Teddy's face turn red and he left the courtroom without comment. She breathed out a sigh of relief and then picked up her purse and walked out.

Teddy was standing just outside the courtroom door. "You may have won this round, Rayna, with the help of your daddy," he said, his jaw clenched. "But it's not over."

She just looked at him steadily. "You know, Teddy, it was never a contest. It was about doing the right thing."

He raised his eyebrows. "So protecting Maddie from an out of control alcoholic was the wrong thing?" he asked angrily. "I hope you don't end up regretting your choice." And with that, he turned and walked off.

She took a deep breath and watched him. She hated that it had come to this. _It would never have ended well, especially if we had let it go on._ She walked part way down the hall and then stopped, pulling her phone out of her purse and called Deacon. "Hey," she said, when he answered. "It's me."

"Hey," he said. "You done?"

"Yeah. It went the way I expected. Teddy can have some visitation until we resolve the birth certificate issue, so we should do that."

"And I can see her?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Would you like to come by?"

He sighed with relief. "Yeah, I would. I, uh, I think we need to talk."

That made her feel a little anxious. "Oh, okay. Well, um, I'm headed home now, so I'll just see you when you get there." She looked at her phone for a second, then closed it and slid it into her purse. She was still feeling that touch of anxiety when she walked out to her car.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When Rayna let him in, Deacon hugged her. He wanted to feel her in his arms, just hold her close. He felt her arms slide around his waist and then one hand rubbed his back. She pressed her face into his chest and breathed in deeply. There was a great sense of relief that things were finally moving in a direction that made sense, that they were finally beginning to move past those tense first few weeks.

He looked over her shoulder and saw Maddie on the floor with her blocks. He let Rayna go and walked over and picked up Maddie, holding her close, breathing in her baby smell. "My baby girl," he murmured. "My baby girl." Everything finally felt real and official. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feel of her in his arms. When she started to squirm against him and make little fussy noises, he opened his eyes and smiled at her, squatting down to put her back on the floor.

He looked up at Rayna, who was smiling at the two of them, and then he sat down next to Maddie and helped her gather up her blocks. Eventually she perched herself on one of his legs as she piled blocks on top of each other and then made a wide sweep of her arm to knock them over. This made her laugh and she would look back up at him as if asking for approval. He smoothed his hand over her hair, just thinking about the fact that this beautiful baby was his.

When Rayna came to get her for lunch, he got up off the floor and followed her. She let him feed her again, as she sat across from him. He glanced over at her. "Did it all go smooth?" he asked.

She nodded. "It did. Teddy wasn't happy, of course, wanted to bring up your stays in rehab and arrest records, but the judge put a lot of weight on the paternity test results. Which makes sense." He nodded. She got a sad look in her eyes then. "I think it really hit home for me today, what I had done. What Teddy and I had done."

He shook his head. "I asked Cole what I was like back then." He sighed. "I get that it was bad. I get that I wasn't in no shape then to be a dad. I get that now. I told you it ain't about forgiveness and I meant that." He breathed in. "But I think if you'd told me then, I probably wouldn't've been ready to handle it, you know? I mean, maybe you could've told me and we worked something out, but the truth is, you gave her something I couldn't then." Maddie made a frustrated noise as she tried stretching her arm out for the spoon. He chuckled a little and filled up the spoon, putting it in her mouth.

When he looked back at Rayna, she was wiping her eyes. "Thank you," she said. She looked down for a second, then back at him. "I don't know that I really did do the right thing, Deacon, but I do know that what really mattered right then was her." She nodded towards Maddie. "Even before she was born, all I wanted was to love her and take care of her. She was gonna be the best part of us – and she is – and that was just so very precious to me. I didn't want anything to happen to her that would hurt her in any way."

He nodded. "I think you did that," he said.

She shrugged and smiled a little sheepishly. "I don't know if I completely did, you know?" she said. "I mean, here we are, with all this mess with Teddy, and I have even more of a mess to work through with him than just her. She's kind of the easy part, although we both know it wasn't that easy. I just, you know, didn't know what to do." She lowered her head and her voice got shaky.

He bit his lip and reached his hand across the table. After a moment, she looked up and took it in hers. He squeezed it lightly. "When did we ever do anything easy, Ray?" he asked.

She made a face. "Almost never," she said.

"You know, you were right that she won't know none of this happened," he said. "I guess that's the good part of it. She won't remember none of it. She'll get to grow up thinking I was always her daddy. And I'll get to be there for all those things that come up. First day of school, teaching her to ride a bike, holding her when she's scared."

Rayna smiled. "Sizing up her first boyfriend," she said.

He frowned. "She ain't never gonna date," he said. "Least not til she's thirty or something." She just smiled.

When Maddie had finished eating, he picked her up and put her down for a nap. When he walked back out, Rayna was still sitting at the table. He sat back down across from her. She spread her fingers out on the table and then lifted them, tapping lightly. "So, where do you see things…for us?" she asked, a little hesitantly.

He considered that. The fact that they'd already had sex – twice – complicated things. He didn't know if he was ready to jump back into a full-blown relationship, which surprised him. Somehow, he just felt like they might need a little more time. This was his chance to be more in control of their future. He breathed in. "I don't know if I can go there yet," he said. "Not all in. I think I need to get used to this first. Being a father." She nodded, a hint of sadness in her eyes. "I ain't saying we won't get there," he added.

"No, I get it," she said. "I think maybe I need to get things more settled with Teddy too." She sighed. "I'm gonna go ahead and file for divorce. It just feels like he's not gonna do that, so I need to. Daddy said he'd have one of his lawyers take care of that." She looked at him. "I'll need to talk to Teddy about that and, I guess, talk about him seeing Maddie."

He frowned, but then he had a sudden moment of clarity around all of it. He breathed in. "You know, I think once all this stuff, filing for divorce, the birth certificate thing, once all that's done, I think that's when me and you figure out what's next. For us." She looked confused. "You know, like a clean slate. All this behind us so we can start over fresh."

She seemed to consider that for a moment and then she smiled. "I think you're right. I'll look forward to that."


	17. Chapter 17

Rayna pulled into the garage of the little house she'd lived in with Teddy. Maddie was making little noises in her car seat. Rayna took a deep breath and then she got out of her car and opened the back door to get Maddie out. As she was working to unfasten the car seat straps, Maddie chattered happily to her in her unintelligible baby talk. Rayna smiled at her daughter and leaned down to rub her nose against Maddie's. "Hey, sweet girl," she said softly. "How's my sweet baby?" Maddie squealed happily and waved her arms around.

Just then the door to the garage opened and Teddy was standing there. Rayna reached for Maddie and pulled her out, turning to look at him. He had a pleasant smile on his face. "Hey, Rayna," he said.

"Hey, Teddy," she said, giving him a ghost of a smile. These visits exhausted her. This was the first one, since everything had happened, where Maddie was spending the night, and she was hoping to get away before she started crying.

His smile got bigger and his eyes crinkled with joy when he looked at Maddie. "Hey, there, sweetheart," he said, and Maddie squealed and reached for him. He looked at Rayna then. "Let me take her and you can bring her things in," he said.

She hesitated just a second and then let him take Maddie from her. As he walked back in the house with Maddie, she reached back into the car and got out the diaper bag and another small overnight bag. Then she followed him into the house, closing the door behind her. He had already walked into the den and she joined him there, dropping the two bags on one of the club chairs.

He put Maddie into her playpen and that made her think of the stuffed animal. She unzipped the diaper bag and pulled out a little stuffed dog, one that Deacon had just bought for her and that Maddie loved. She walked over and, leaning down, held it out to Maddie, with a smile. Maddie made a noise and snatched at the toy, hugging it to her chest. Rayna glanced at Teddy. "Her new favorite," she said. He nodded. She took a deep breath and rubbed her hands down the side of her jeans. "I guess I should go," she said then. "And I'll pick her up tomorrow night?"

Teddy nodded, then hesitated. "Do you have a minute, before you go?" he asked.

She frowned. "I guess." Her emotions were right at the surface. She hoped this didn't take long.

He gestured towards the couch for her to sit. "I just want us to talk for a minute, Rayna," he said. "I feel like we kind of went off the rails and I'd like to, uh, clear the air, I guess."

She raised her eyebrows, but sat down, perching on the edge of the couch. When he sat at the other end of the couch, she said, "So what do you want to talk about?" She felt uncomfortable. She knew she needed to do this visitation thing, but it worried her a little to not to be able to make a clean break. She understood that Maddie was still so young that she could more easily transition from Teddy to Deacon as the primary male in her life, but she worried that the longer this went on, the more difficult it might become.

He sighed. "I just hate that it's all come to this," he said. He got a sad look in his eyes then. "Rayna, I know that I wasn't your first choice and I know you settled for me, but I have been there for you every step of the way." She breathed in and looked down at her hands in her lap. "I really did love you, Rayna. _Do_ love you. I couldn't believe it when you actually said yes to going out with me, back in the beginning, much less marrying me." She looked up at him then. "I mean, you were a big country music star and I was just an accountant. A successful one, but certainly not someone in your world or at your level." He spread his hands. "You dazzled me," he said, with an apologetic smile. "And all I wanted to do was make you happy. Take care of you. Be the man you needed."

She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "You were, Teddy," she said softly.

He sighed. "When I met you, Deacon had destroyed you. You were exhausted, defeated."

She shrugged. "You're right, I was," she whispered.

He smiled just a little. "I remember you told me you just…all you wanted was someone solid, a guy who had his life together, and I did. You know, I thought I could make up for all the pain you'd suffered at the hands of Deacon Claybourne. That I could make you forget him, because I offered you what you wanted."

She fidgeted with her hands. "I think I believed that too, you know?" she said, with a sigh. She looked at him sadly. "I really thought I could do that. And maybe…" – she looked away – "I don't know, maybe if I hadn't gotten pregnant, things would have been different. I don't know." She looked back at him. "I was in a bad place and I had to make a choice."

He smiled, a little sadly. "Wrong choice, right reason? Maybe that's how we ended up together."

She looked at him. It had truly felt like her _only_ choice, at that time. It hadn't felt wrong in the moment, even if it hadn't felt completely right. It had just felt like there wasn't another path. She couldn't see past what she and Tandy had witnessed at the cabin that day. It had felt as hopeless then as it had felt when she had left Deacon in the first place and vowed to move on. She shook her head. "I don't think so, Teddy. At the time it didn't feel like a wrong choice. I think it's only now, in the light of day, when things are clearer, that I wonder if there weren't other avenues. But I chose you to be Maddie's father then and that wasn't a wrong choice. You've been a wonderful father, and you didn't have to be. You loved her anyway and what mama doesn't want that for her baby?" She could feel tears pricking at her eyes and she blinked several times.

He looked over at Maddie and then back at her. "I do love her, Rayna. That's why this is so hard for me. I feel like her father. I _am_ her father. I've been there for middle of the night feedings, I've changed diapers, I've held her when she was sick, and comforted her when she cried." He swallowed. "It's a love I've never known before, Rayna. I guess that's why I don't want to lose her."

She breathed in, her heart aching. "Teddy, I…."

He waved her off. "Listen, I don't want to go down that road. That wasn't why I asked you to stay for a minute." He breathed in. "Like I said, I knew I wasn't ever your first choice, Rayna, and I don't say that to be hurtful, to either of us. I knew how many nights you cried over him. And that it wasn't just because he'd hurt you, but because you didn't really want to give him up." She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands. "I knew, when you looked at her the day she was born, that she was his and that it hurt you a thousand different ways. I think it was one of many reasons I didn't want you to hire him back. I think I knew then I would lose you to him. Lose both of you."

She looked up at him then. "That wasn't my intention, you have to know that, Teddy."

He nodded. "I do." He smiled. "And maybe we could have still gone on, continued our lives together somehow, but I think you would have always wondered 'what if'. And I think it would still have eaten away at you about not telling him about Maddie."

She looked over at Maddie for a second, then back at him. "I think, because I'd seen him go through rehab so many times, that I was afraid. Not of him, but afraid he couldn't make it. And I think I needed to be sure Maddie was okay, in case he didn't. Because I really believed that if he couldn't do this now, he never would."

"If I'm being honest, I probably wish you'd told me no when I offered to marry you. Because that put us on this path, where I'm going to get my heart broken. I'm losing my wife – already lost you, really – and I'm losing my daughter. And, truthfully, that's the thing that hurts the most. It's why I want this time with her. I won't be able to be her father soon enough. Someone else is going to watch all those milestones I thought I would see." A tear trailed down the side of his face and her heart ached all over again.

She felt the tears on her own cheeks. "I'm sorry," she said, softly, her voice shaking.

He breathed in and she could see that he was pushing down his pain. "I appreciate you, both of you, actually, not fighting this. I just want a few more memories with her. And then I'll walk away. I promise." He stood up then and she did as well. "I won't keep you. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest."

She looked at him for a moment, thinking back to the early days of their time together, when he'd been such a lifeline for her, when she had been so grateful to him for being there in the midst of her emotional hurricane. She stepped towards him and put her arms around him and hugged him. "Thank _you_ , Teddy," she said. "I'll always remember what you did for us." He held her close, kissed the top of her head, and then pushed back.

He smiled. "We'll see you tomorrow night then."

She nodded and then turned to head for the door. He followed her, opening the door for her. She walked out to her car, turning to look back at him. He raised his hand in a wave and she did the same. Then he closed the door. She got into her car and backed out of the garage. She was halfway to the apartment when she finally burst into tears.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon had just poured himself his second cup of coffee when the phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello?" All he could hear on the other end of the line was ragged breathing, like the person on the other end was crying. "Ray?" He knew it was her. She was dropping Maddie off with Teddy for the weekend. It had been something they had both felt anguish over, but he knew it was probably harder on her. "Rayna, is that you?" he asked, when she didn't answer.

"Yes," she whispered, and then he heard her breathe in. "Yeah, it's me," she said again, sounding a little more in control. "Can you meet me?" she asked. "At Percy Warner?"

"Now?"

"Yes, please." She sounded breathy then, like she might start crying again.

"Yeah, yeah, I can be there."

"Thanks. I'll meet you, um, at the entrance."

He hung up the phone, poured his coffee out into the sink and left the mug there. Then he went and grabbed his keys, wallet, and sunglasses and headed out the door.

* * *

It was a beautiful, sunny day, so there were a lot of people at the park. He finally found a place to park and headed for the entrance. He walked towards the stairs, his eyes darting this way and that, looking for her. As he approached the walkway to the steps, he saw her, sitting on the wall. She raised her hand. He had to smile a little to himself. She was wearing a ball cap and had her hair pulled back, as though she were trying to disguise herself.

When he got closer, she stood up. She had on her sunglasses, too, so he couldn't see her eyes. "Can we walk?" she asked, her voice low. He nodded.

They walked up to the top of the stairs and then she headed down the left side trail, walking slowly, sliding her hands into her back pockets. "How'd it go?" he asked finally.

She looked up at him and smiled sadly. "It was…kind of heartbreaking, actually," she said.

He frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked.

She sighed. "Well, you know, Deacon, he really does love her," she said. "I guess, in all of this, I kind of forgot that." She held a hand up, as though she knew he wanted to say something. "I know. She's not really his biological child, but, you know, he was her father for a year. He loved her like she was his. It's got to be hard to lose your child, even if these are the circumstances."

He thought about that. "I guess," he said.

"You know what? He actually thanked us both, for giving him some time to say goodbye to her." He looked away, feeling an unexpected sadness. "And she loves him, Deacon. He's the only father she'd known and she loves him." She reached out and rubbed his arm. "The only other person she seemed to bond with, you know, has been you."

He sighed. "Is it wrong I feel protective of her? Already? I mean, I know she's a baby and all, but I just want to protect her heart."

She slid her hand into his. He looked down at her, as she smiled up at him. "It's not wrong at all," she said. "You're her father. It's natural to feel like that."

He breathed in. He could feel all his emotions filling up his chest. "Thank you for telling me about her, Ray," he said. She pulled him into an embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist. He put his arms around her shoulders and held her close, breathing in and out.

She finally stepped out of the embrace and looked at him. "We had a good conversation, actually," she said. "Teddy and me."

They started walking again. He shoved his hands in his pockets and she took his elbow, bumping against him occasionally. "Yeah?" he asked.

She nodded. "He basically apologized. For everything." She breathed in. "He's just very sad to lose Maddie. He's hurting, Deacon."

He bristled a little bit. While he understood what she was saying, he still had a hard time getting past the other man's plan to keep his daughter from him. "He shoulda known, Ray," he said. "He shoulda known…."

She squeezed his arm. "Maybe. I think he was trying to do a good thing, in the beginning, and then, I guess, he just wanted to protect what he had." She looked up at him. "I'm not saying he was right about all of it, but I kind of understand more." She pointed at a bench with her free hand. "Let's go sit a minute," she said."

When they were seated, he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his legs. She rubbed her palms over her jeans. "I do think he's prepared to let her go," she said quietly.

He looked back at her over his shoulder. "Do you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "I mean, he went a lotta lengths to make this harder for you."

She nodded. "Yeah, you're right, he did. But maybe standing in that courtroom and having the judge say he wouldn't have a right to her once the birth certificate was changed, I don't know. Maybe that was what it took." She shrugged. "All I know is that he seems resigned to it now."

He looked back out into the distance and then sat back against the bench. He looked over at her and then held his hand out. She fitted hers into his and he rested their joined hands on his thigh. "So, what happens next?" he asked.

She looked over at him. "Daddy's lawyer filed the divorce papers. We have to wait ninety days before the judge will make it official. We've also already asked for a court order to revise the birth certificate, but I don't know how long that will take." She squeezed his hand. "That's a really big step, you know."

He nodded. "I know. It's what I want, though."

She smiled. "Good." She bit her lip. "Deacon, I'm really sorry about how all this played out. I'm grateful, for the fact that you love Maddie and want to be her father, and for the fact you don't hate me for it." She breathed in. "You have every right to be mad about the fact that I lied to you…."

He squeezed her hand and turned towards her slightly. "Rayna," he said. "I think we both got blame in this. I just want us to work out how to be a family together."

She nodded. "Me too." They sat quietly for a few minutes and then she looked back over at him with a sly smile. "So, how do you think we're gonna keep our girl from doing the same things we did?"

He smiled back at her and, letting go of her hand, clasped his hands behind his neck. "I don't think we're probably gonna be able to do that," he said. "I'm pretty sure she's gonna be like you, stubborn and laser-focused on her dreams."

"I think she's gonna be talented like you. She's got your long fingers. Guitar player's fingers. We're gonna have to deal with that."

"If she has a voice half as pretty as her mama's, she'll be tough to beat, that's for sure."

She grinned. "So, like I said, what are we gonna say to her when she's sixteen and wants to have a career?"

He laughed. "I think we're gonna have to let her. You gonna be the one to tell her she can't chase her dreams? Like your daddy did?"

She bit her lip. "I don't know, Deacon. Things have changed since I was sixteen. And they'll probably be different when she's sixteen." She looked over at him. "I just want her to have a normal life. I want her to wait until she's older so she can do all the things I didn't do. I don't want us to be like Daddy though."

He grinned. "Baby, there ain't no way me and you are ever gonna be like your daddy. But we can't hold her back neither."

"I hope we'll always talk about these kinds of things. Our hopes and dreams for our daughter. How to support her. How to make sure she knows how loved she is." She looked down at her hands. "Both of us got the short end of the stick on that and I don't ever want to do that to her."

He reached over and lifted her chin with his finger, taking off his sunglasses. "We'll do it just like this. Together."

She took off her sunglasses and looked back at him. "At the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that's good," she sang, very softly. Then she leaned in and kissed him lightly on the cheek, sat back and smiled.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna really hated when Maddie was with Teddy. This was the third weekend she was spending with Teddy and it never seemed to get easier. She missed her daughter, first of all, but it left her feeling at loose ends. After almost fifteen months of being with Maddie every single day, it felt strange not to have her around. She decided to spend the free time unpacking. As she was working through a box in Maddie's room, she came across one of her notebooks. There was a bookmark in it and she opened it to the page that was marked. Her face lit up as she scanned the words. She had jotted down the bits of words and phrases that night after Teddy had served her with the custody request.

She sat down in the rocking chair next to Maddie's crib and read through what she'd written. She found a pencil and made a few strikethroughs and a couple of additions. Then she got up and, carrying the notebook, she went to find her phone.

When Deacon answered, she said, "Hey it's me."

"Hey, Ray. What's going on?"

"Are you busy this afternoon? I've been working on a song and need some help."

He hesitated for just a second. "Sure. Anytime."

"Okay, I'll be over in an hour."

* * *

When she got to his house, he invited her in and went to the kitchen to get them iced tea. She couldn't help but think about all the times they'd written songs in this house, in this very room, either sitting on the couch or sprawled out around the coffee table. Sometimes those sessions ended in the bedroom, sometimes they never even made it there.

 _They had just finished writing 'Surrender'. It had been after a horrible fight, when Rayna had left and stayed at Tandy's house for two days. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor between the coffee table and the couch, in just her panties and bra. Deacon had warned her, as they worked on the song, that she couldn't kiss him or it would cost her an article of clothing. She hadn't thought he was serious, so when they had finally nailed down the chorus, she had leaned over and kissed him._

 _He raised his eyebrows at her when she pulled away. "You know what that means, don't you, baby?" he murmured. She giggled and then gasped when he reached over and unfastened her belt, sliding it through the loops on her jeans and tossing it over onto the nearby chair. He grinned at her. "Did you not think I was serious?" he asked._

" _Um, I don't know," she said. She hadn't, actually, although she realized she should have. Since she'd come home, they hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other. And writing always sent them into a sexual frenzy anyway. She made a face then. "Well, then, the same for you," she said, her fists on her hips. "You kiss me and I get to take off something of yours."_

 _He laughed. "Okay, baby, but you know I'm better at this than you."_

" _Well, we'll see about that," she said, determined to stand her ground._

 _But here she was, with nothing more than her underwear on. She had only been able to remove his shirt, so he was still sitting there with his jeans and boots on. She shivered a little. She could feel that her nipples were rock hard, almost painfully so, and she was unbelievably turned on. She was glad they were finally finished, because she didn't want to be sitting in the living room with nothing on._

 _Deacon put his guitar aside and just sat looking at her. "Damn, baby, you know how sexy you look?" he said, his voice low and thick with desire. She could see, now that he'd put aside his guitar, that he was just as turned on as she was. He crawled towards her and kissed her, long and slow and deep. When he pulled back, he winked. "Your turn," he drawled._

 _She caught her breath. "But, we're done," she whispered._

" _Don't matter," he replied. She bit her lip and pulled off his boots. Then he kissed her again, this time fondling her breasts as he did. She moaned in the back of her throat. He whispered against her lips, "Take it all off, baby."_

 _Almost before she knew it, he was hovering over her on the couch. He leaned in and whispered into her ear, "I'll surrender to you, if you'll surrender to me." And she did._

"Rayna?" She looked up, swallowing hard. He was standing there holding a glass out to her. "You looked kinda like you were deep in thought."

She laughed a little self-consciously. She took the glass of tea, thinking she needed something to cool herself down. "Just thinking about writing songs, I guess," she said, knowing she sounded a little breathless.

He looked at her oddly for a second, then the look vanished and he sat at the other end of the couch. He cleared his throat. "So, you said you needed some help on a song?" he asked.

"Yes. Yes." She reached into her purse for her notebook, using the distraction to help calm her nerves. She opened it to the page with her lyrics and then held it out to him. "All I have are the lyrics and I was hoping you could help me with the music. You're so much better at that than me."

He read through the lyrics and looked up at her. "This is beautiful, Ray. What kind of mood are you going for?"

She considered that. "Um, reverent, I guess. Protective. Quiet but powerful?"

He frowned slightly. "A ballad then? Or maybe even like a hymn?"

She smiled. "That's it. You're so smart."

He shook his head, smiling sheepishly. "Well, okay then. Let's see what we can do."

* * *

Two hours later, Rayna looked at Deacon, and chewed on a fingernail. "Can we try it? All the way through? 'Cause I think that's it," she said. Her chest felt tight and her breathing was shallow, which usually was her signal that they'd found the right combination of words and lyrics. They'd written lots of songs together, all of which she thought were good. Most of them ended up on albums, although some had not. But whenever she had this reaction to a song, it always turned into a significant hit. Considering where it had come from for her, it felt intensely personal.

He looked at her and nodded. She thought he could feel it too and she wanted to see his reaction to it all put together. He started the intro, stark and simple, evoking that prayer-like quality she'd hoped for. She slid closer to him, held up the notebook between them, and started to sing.

 _Turn the light off, go to bed / Tell me all about the day you had / Lay beside me, it's time to rest / You can close your eyes, you've done your best_

 _Let me be your sanctuary / Let me be your safe place to fall / I can take away your worries / The refuge from it all_

 _All this time / We have together / Is our shelter from the rain / I will share the weight you carry / Let me be your sanctuary_

She watched him as they sang and she thought she saw the hint of tears in his eyes.  
 _  
We have weathered through the storms / Taking comfort in each other's arms / When the dark clouds come again / I will lift you up and take you in_

 _Let me be your sanctuary / Let me be your safe place to fall / I can take away your worries / The refuge from it all_

 _All this time / We have together / Is our shelter from the rain / I will share the weight you carry / Let me be your sanctuary_

 _I will share this weight you carry / Let me be your sanctuary_

She put down the notebook and breathed in deeply. She'd been right to ask him to help with the music. It had been perfect, exactly how she'd imagined it in her head. It was powerful in its simplicity. She was going to make sure it got added to the album.

He put his guitar aside and steepled his hands in front of his mouth for a moment. Then he breathed in and sat back a little, looking at her, his eyes filled with emotion. "That was beautiful, Ray," he said quietly.

She smiled softly. "Thanks. But it needed your touch."

He raised his eyebrows. "Is it for Maddie?"

She shrugged. "Kind of, I guess. I did write it one night when she was sort of fussy."

He nodded. "You'll always be her safe place, you know."

She breathed in and smiled again. "I hope so. I mean, there is such a powerful desire to protect your child and take away all the hurt. But it's not really just for her."

He frowned. "I don't understand then."

She felt tears in her eyes. "I did think about Maddie when I wrote it. But it's also for her father." She bit her lip as she waited for his reaction to that.

He looked at her and she could see pain, anguish, longing, confusion, and finally understanding all etched on his face and in his eyes. He breathed in, as if trying to reconcile all of those feelings, along with the song and what she'd said about it. All her nerve endings were twitching at that moment, practically willing him to _do_ something, _react_ somehow. And then he did.

He put one hand on the couch between them and he turned towards her, putting his other hand on her cheek and leaning in to press his lips on hers. Her breath caught in her throat and then she felt herself relax. He opened his lips and hers opened as well. Their tongues battled each other and she slid her hand under his arm and gripped his shoulder. He kissed her fervently, with all the pent up feelings that had existed between them for all these months.

This was different than those other times, she could feel it in every part of her body. This was what she'd been waiting for and, if she'd had to guess, what he'd been waiting for too. He pulled his lips from hers, his eyes looking deeply into hers. He moved his hand so the back of his knuckles lightly glided over her cheek and she slid her hand down along his arm. She felt that chemical charge again, only this time, instead of it feeling urgent, it just felt all-encompassing. He found her lips again, his kiss again passionate and demanding.

She moved then to straddle him, her lower legs folded underneath her, both hands spread across his back. He tangled his hands in her hair, pulling her closer to him, his mouth still locked on hers, not letting her breathe. Then he finally pulled his lips from hers and they were both breathing heavily, their faces not even an inch apart. He lowered one hand and slid it underneath her t-shirt, running it first over her back. Then he moved it to settle on her ribcage, sliding his thumb under the lower band of her bra. He pushed it up, freeing her breast and she threw her head back as she felt his calloused thumb caress her skin and then her nipple. She heard herself make little moaning noises as the circles of desire swam through her.

He leaned forward and kissed her neck and her collarbone and then back to her neck. "Oh, God, Ray," he murmured. He pulled his hand away then and she moved her head to look at him, whimpering softly. He moved out from under her and stood up, reaching for her hand. She let him pull her up and he kissed her again, letting his hand run down her back and over her ass, pressing her against him so she could feel how much he wanted her.

She pulled back and looked into his eyes. "I love you so much," she murmured.

He cracked a little smile. "How much?" he asked.

She smiled back. "Let me show you," she said. He stepped back and took her hand, leading her to his bedroom.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon breathed in deeply as he tightened his arms around Rayna. She made the little noise in the back of her throat that meant she was happy. He kissed the top of her head, which was laying against his chest. "Feels like forever since you been here," he said.

She turned her head so she was facing him, moving her hand up to his face, tracing his jawline with her index finger. "I know," she said, with a tiny smile. "Feels good to be back."

He reached up and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Can you stay?" he asked.

She nodded. "I don't pick up Maddie until tomorrow night," she said.

He breathed out. "No. I mean, can you stay for good?" he asked, his voice low and quiet. He didn't want to wait any longer. It was time.

He could see the tears spring up in her eyes. "Yes," she whispered.

He rolled them onto their sides, facing each other and he kissed her, sliding his arm under the sheet to pull her closer. Her lips parted beneath his and he slid his tongue in her mouth and she moaned. He let his hand roam over her skin, marveling, as always, at how velvety soft it was. She slid her leg up and over his hip and he moved his hand down to grab onto her thigh, fitting her against him, letting her know he was ready for her. She moved her hips and made little noises as she pressed herself closer to him. He could feel she was ready and he rolled her over onto her back, entering her quickly, his mouth never leaving hers.

* * *

When he came back from picking up Chinese food, he stuck his head in the bedroom and saw that she was asleep, so he went to the kitchen instead. He was unpacking the bag when he heard her voice behind him. "Hey," she said.

He turned around. She was standing at the end of the counter, wearing one of his flannel shirts that fell to mid-thigh on her. Her hair was messy around her shoulders and she was smiling sweetly at him. He smiled back. "You're awake," he said.

"I could hear you in here. _And_ I could smell the food." She walked over to him and ran her hand up his back, as he leaned down for a kiss. "Did you just get back?"

"Yeah." He reached for plates.

"We can just eat out of the containers, babe," she said. "No need to be formal."

They settled onto the couch and ate, silently at first. Then he looked at her, watching as she expertly transferred a bit of rice to her moo goo gai pan and then picked up rice and entrée and popped it in her mouth. She had tried teaching him how to use chopsticks multiple times and all he'd ever done was either drop the food in his lap or spatter it all over the table. He stuck with a regular fork after that.

She looked so beautiful to him, lightly flushed, her hair tumbling over her shoulders. He found himself wondering if she had panties on under his flannel shirt, but just smiled to himself, putting that thought aside for the time being. She looked up then and noticed he was staring at her. She smiled. "What?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Nothing. Just thinking about you being here."

She leaned toward the coffee table, putting her container down. Then she scooted over a little closer to him, stretching her top leg out and laying it across his lap, her other leg folded up underneath her. "I like being here," she said, as she held her face up for a kiss.

He kissed her, then put his own container on the coffee table. He sat back and put one arm around her shoulders, then reaching with his other hand for hers. "So what do we do about, you know, living arrangements?" he asked.

She leaned her head on his shoulder. "I have the apartment for six months. I really think I should keep it, for now, for appearances sake. At least until the divorce is final." She turned to look up at him. "Are you okay with that?"

He shrugged, rubbing his thumb over her hand. "Long as you can stay here sometimes. Or I could stay there." He searched her eyes for agreement.

She smiled. "Of course." She bit her lip then. "But I was thinking that, long term, maybe we could find something else, for all of us. A place we could grow into?"

He grinned. "You mean, like for a brother or sister for Maddie?"

She laughed. "Someday. Not right away, though. I think we need some time to grow into the family we are now, don't you?" Her face turned serious. "I know you regret missing a lot of the things that Maddie went through as a teeny tiny baby, but it's not all as fun and games as you might be thinking. She could be very challenging. Still can be."

He kissed her forehead. "So stubborn and feisty like her mama?" he asked.

She made a face. "Hardheaded and argumentative like her father," she responded. She sighed. "Sometimes I just wish I could do everything all over again."

He looked at her. "What would you change?"

"Nothing." She shrugged one shoulder. "Everything." Then she looked at him. "Actually, neither one of those is completely true. I think everything we've gone through, together, has made us stronger. I wish _I'd_ been stronger and told you the truth about Maddie sooner, but we ultimately got to this place, so it's not all bad, right?"

He shook his head and smiled, then leaned in to kiss her. "Nah, not all bad. I probably wouldn't have been able to do it before now, so…." His voice trailed off.

She put her hand on his cheek. "I think – I hope – we've faced the worst and made it through. Stronger than ever." She ran her fingers through his hair. "You can always count on me, I hope you know that now. I'll always be there for you.

He nodded. "We'll be there for each other." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, sliding his hand down her back. When his fingers reached the hem of her shirt, he smiled against her lips when he discovered she, in fact, did _not_ have panties on. "I'm going in for the prize," he whispered against her mouth and she laughed softly. Then he pushed her back on the couch as she sighed happily.

 _A/N: I know it seems like the end, but it's not!_


	18. Chapter 18

Rayna pointed out the window. "There it is," she said, looking again at the flyer in her hand. Deacon turned into the driveway. She turned back to him and sighed. "I hope this is the one. I'm so tired of looking."

Deacon turned to her and smirked. "Really? Seemed to me like you been all about looking at places, since none of 'em meet all your particular likes."

She smacked him on the arm. "That's not true, babe," she said, making a face. "I don't have _that_ many particular likes."

He raised his eyebrows. "No?" He parked the truck and then looked up at the ceiling, then back at her. "A big ass kitchen, a pool for Maddie, the master bedroom on the first floor. And what, dark cabinets? _And_ a music room."

She stuck her tongue out at him. " _You_ wanted a music room too, honey. You know that." Then she grinned at him. She tossed the flyer on the dashboard. "Let's go take a look," she said. "Maybe this is the one."

* * *

The realtor had let them in the house and then gone out by the pool, to allow them to look around for themselves. Rayna liked that the house had the same craftsman exterior as Deacon's bungalow, although there was less stone. The kitchen was amazing – dark wood cabinets, beautiful countertops, and an island that was large enough to double as a breakfast bar. She ran her hand over the countertop as he leaned on the island. "This is a perfect kitchen, babe," she said, smiling at him.

He laughed. "You gonna cook, Ray?"

She made a face. "Shut up. I can learn. Especially if I have this nice, big, gorgeous kitchen." She turned back and opened the oven again and peered into the cabinets with glass facing. "Maddie and I can make cookies here." She looked over her shoulder and winked at him. "Along with all those other little ones we're gonna have one day."

He raised his eyebrows. "How many we gonna have?" he asked.

She turned back and opened one of the cabinets. Shrugging, she said, "Oh, I don't know. There's what, four bedrooms upstairs? If we double 'em up, then what's that, seven more?"

"What the hell?" she heard him whisper.

She turned around and laughed at the look of horror on his face. "Did you think I was serious?" she asked.

He put his face in his hands, shaking his head, and then looked back at her. "I never know with you," he said.

She walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Maybe just one more," she said. "Four seems like the perfect family size to me."

He turned and pulled her into his arms and planted a deep kiss on her. "I think that's all I could handle, Rayna," he said.

She took a deep breath. "I like this place, Deacon. Don't you?"

He nodded. "I do. But then I liked the last three or four we looked at."

"You liked _everything_ we looked at," she said, with a smirk. "You just want this to be over with." She stepped out of his embrace and walked into the family room. "This is exactly what we were looking for. The great kitchen, good family space, plenty of bedrooms, the master on the main, and a pool."

"Don't forget that bonus space we can make a music room," he said.

She turned to look at him. "That's the best part of all." She sighed. "That, uh, monstrosity Teddy and I were building, that was probably my favorite part. A music room. I just want us to have a place where we can write and record and listen and do whatever we want."

He walked up to her and smiled down at her, smoothing a hand over her hair. "We'll need to get some extra soft couches," he said, raising one eyebrow.

She smiled. "And an extra strong lock for the door," she added, with a laugh.

He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. "Is this it then? We finally finished looking at houses?" he asked.

She tightened her arms around his waist. "Yes, this is it." She sighed. "Our home," she said softly.

 _ **~nashville~**_

This was the last time Maddie was spending a weekend with Teddy. Deacon was relieved for that to be over. Considering Maddie was still a baby, he'd been surprised at how difficult it was at every hand-off. He was ready for his daughter to just be his. Rayna's divorce would be final and the court order on the birth certificate was imminent, so they had all mutually agreed on this being Teddy's last weekend.

He and Rayna were picking Maddie up together. He had mostly stayed out of this process, letting Rayna handle things with Teddy, but he had decided to go with her this time. There was a part of him that understood why Teddy wouldn't have wanted to give up Maddie and he reluctantly acknowledged that Teddy had been a good, loving father to his daughter. A father thrust into a situation that could have gone so differently. But it was time to get their lives settled. They would be moving into the new house in six weeks and could finally start being a family.

* * *

Deacon pulled into the driveway and Rayna put her hand on his arm. He turned the truck off and looked over at her. "Why don't you wait out here?" she said.

He frowned. "I ain't gonna say nothing, Rayna," he said.

She bit her lip. "I know. But, I don't know, Teddy might be emotional, or something, and I don't want it to be, you know, awkward."

He huffed. "Rayna, if it gets weird, I don't want you dealing with that by yourself," he said.

She breathed in and then she nodded. "Okay. Why don't you wait at the door, though? Just let me go in and get Maddie and her things, okay?"

He didn't really like that, but he didn't want to fight with her about it either. "Yeah," was all he said. They got out of the truck and headed for the front door.

* * *

Since Maddie wouldn't be coming back, Teddy had also packed up Maddie's toys, clothes, and other miscellaneous items for them to take. Deacon had just stood at the end of the driveway as the other man carried the boxes and put them in the back of the truck, trying to stay out of the middle of things. Then Rayna walked out through the garage with Maddie. She looked up at him. "Okay, we're ready," she said, then started for the truck.

Deacon put his hand on Rayna's back. "Go ahead and get in the truck, baby," he said softly. "I'll be right back."

She turned to look at him, a frown on her face. "Deacon…." she said, a warning tone in her voice.

"It's okay. Just get in the truck."

He turned back. Teddy was still standing in the garage. He hesitated a second, then walked towards the other man. Teddy had a wary look on his face as Deacon drew closer. Deacon stopped and put his hands in his pockets. He worked his lip a moment. "I just wanted to say thanks," he said.

Teddy frowned. "I don't understand."

Deacon breathed in. "Thanks for taking care of them, when I couldn't."

Teddy stared at him and Deacon wondered if he might lash out. But then the other man seemed to consider what to say, closing his eyes for a second and breathing in. "I loved them both," he said finally. "I always tried to do my best for both of them. This may not be ending the way I'd have wanted, but I know I did my best. It's up to you, now, Deacon, not to let them down. They'll be counting on you, so you can't mess this up."

Deacon nodded. "I get it. And I _will_ take care of them. Both of them." He breathed in and then he turned and walked back to the truck, as there really was nothing left to say. Rayna was standing next to the truck when he walked up, a worried look on her face. He leaned in and kissed her. "It's all good, baby," he said. "Let's go." He opened the door for her and she got in, after hesitating for a moment. He jogged around to the driver's side and got in, fastening his seatbelt. He looked over at Rayna, who still looked worried. "I just wanted to thank him."

The worried look turned to confusion. "What?" she asked.

"Thank him for taking care of you and Maddie. 'Cause I couldn't."

She reached over and put her hand on his. "Oh, babe…."

"Look, it ain't a big deal. You're signing divorce papers tomorrow and we can move on with our lives. Right?"

She bit her lip and nodded. "Yeah."

"We finish up your album. We talk about the next tour. Right?"

She smiled. "Yep." In her car seat in the back, Maddie squealed and clapped her hands. Deacon and Rayna looked at each other and laughed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna walked out of the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror over her dresser, smoothing down her skirt. She picked up a brush and ran it over her hair again, although it didn't need it.

"You look fine, baby," Deacon said, from the bed.

She cut her eyes over to his reflection in the mirror. He was sitting back against the pillows, the covers pulled up to his waist. She smiled a little, wishing she could crawl back into bed with him. He smiled at her and she turned around, leaning against the dresser. "I don't expect this to take too long," she said. "Then maybe we could go look at some furniture?"

He nodded. "We can do that." He smirked. "Or you can come home and we could celebrate."

She smiled and then walked over to sit on the bed next to him. "I like that idea," she said, leaning in for a kiss. Then she sat back and looked at him questioningly. "You sure you'll be okay by yourself with Maddie?"

He frowned. "You ain't gonna be gone that long," he said. "What could happen?"

She winked. "You might be surprised." She gave him a light tap on the arm. "Get up and get dressed, babe." She stood up. "I'm going to get her breakfast ready and get her up." She walked over to the closet and slipped on her heels and grabbed the jacket that went with her skirt, then gave him a saucy smile over her shoulder as she walked out of the bedroom.

* * *

As she drove to the lawyer's office, she smiled to herself. Finally, it felt like things were moving in the right direction, for all of them. The divorce would be final, Deacon and Maddie were settling into a real father-daughter relationship, with no interference from Teddy, and in a few weeks they'd be moving into the house they hoped would be their home for years to come. And once the court order came through on Maddie's birth certificate, it would all be complete. She felt tears in her eyes and she breathed in, pushing down that emotion.

* * *

"Sign the decrees where indicated, and your divorce will be final," Teddy's lawyer said. Rayna turned to the page with the little yellow sticker, indicating where she should sign. She did so and then passed her copy to Teddy, taking the one he'd passed to her. She signed again and then put down her pen. She felt surprisingly sad, as she looked down at her hands, folded on top of the paperwork.

"Is that it?" Teddy asked.

"That's it," his lawyer replied.

"Can you give us a minute?" Rayna looked up at him and then over at her lawyer, nodding that it was okay. Teddy stood, as did she, and they watched as the two lawyers left the room, closing the door behind them. She looked back at him, seeing the sadness in his eyes. "I never thought it would end like this," he said.

She nodded. "I know."

"I just wanted to take care of you and Maddie."

"I know." She swallowed. "You were a good father, Teddy. And a good man. And I want you to be happy."

He gave her a ghost of a smile and then it was gone. "You too, Rayna. I hope this all works out for you."

She didn't know what to say to that, so she just nodded, and then he turned and walked out of the room. She stood there for a moment, thinking that ending a marriage, even one born of lies and deception, was still hard and painful. Then she thought about Deacon and Maddie, waiting for her at her apartment, and she smiled. She picked up her purse and walked out the door, ready to get home to her family.

* * *

Late that night, as they were curled up in each other's arms in bed, Rayna looked at Deacon, running her finger down his jaw. "So what's next?" she asked.

He grinned and nodded towards a chair in the corner. "We could try you sitting in my lap in that chair over there," he said.

She gasped and smacked him on the shoulder. "That was _not_ what I meant," she said, with mock outrage. Then she smiled coyly. "Although I'd be interested in just exactly how you think that would work," she said with a wink.

He pulled her a little closer as he laughed. "I knew what you meant, baby," he said, and he leaned down to kiss her. "I thought maybe we'd go to the cabin this weekend. All three of us."

She smiled. "Oh, babe, I would love that. Let's do."

He kissed her again, lingering this time. When he finally pulled his mouth from hers, he nodded towards the chair. "Let me show you what I had in mind," he murmured, his voice rough with desire.

She glanced over and back at him, then raised her eyebrows, a tingling feeling starting between her legs. "Please do," she whispered, and he took her hand and pulled her out of bed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon finished packing and zipped up his duffle bag. He would be picking up Rayna and Maddie and then they would be heading for a weekend at the cabin. He walked over to his chest of drawers and opened up the top drawer, reaching in for the little black ring box. He opened it up, looking at the emerald cut diamond ring nestled there. He breathed in, his chest feeling a little tight. He didn't know why he felt nervous – he wasn't worried about her saying yes – but it was a big step. Considering how things had been between them in the beginning, after she'd told him about Maddie, they'd come a long way.

The cabin seemed like the perfect place to ask her. It was the place he'd bought – for her – all those years ago and, every time he ever went there, he always thought of it as her house. They were supposed to spend the rest of their lives there – that had been his plan – and now they'd get to do that, raising up Maddie and growing old on that porch, looking out at the lake.

He closed the ring box and put it in one of the side pockets of his duffle. His plan was to ask her that night, so they could really celebrate the rest of the weekend. He smiled to himself, then picked up the duffle and his keys and headed out the door.

* * *

Deacon unlocked the cabin door and slid it open. Rayna set Maddie down and the little girl ran over the entrance into the great room. Deacon and Rayna watched as she stopped and then looked around, sticking her fingers in her mouth.

"Do you like it, sweet girl?" Rayna asked and Maddie turned around. She pulled her hand out of her mouth and squealed, throwing her hands up in the air and giving them a big smile.

Deacon winced. "Damn, that girl has a set a lungs on her," he said.

Rayna looked at him. "Language, babe," she said. "And yes, I told you, she had a mouth on her." She smirked.

He walked over to Maddie and picked her up. When he turned back to Rayna, he saw her looking around the room. He suddenly realized this was her first time here since the night Maddie was conceived. The night he didn't remember. He took a deep breath. "Nothing's really changed," he said.

She looked back at him, sadness in her eyes. She breathed in. "No, you're right, it hasn't," she said quietly. "You never were much for redecorating."

He shook his head. "Nah, you're right." He hadn't thought about how it might look to her. Tour posters and other memorabilia were still on the walls and displayed in various places in the house. The 'Eternity' sign she'd picked up at a roadside market was still above the front door. He hadn't moved any of the furniture or changed much of anything.

She sighed. "I always loved this place, though," she said. She walked over to him and put her hand on his arm. "It's still a special place." She took a deep breath and then smiled. "We're gonna make only happy memories here from now on, though," she said.

He put his arm around her. "That's what I want," he said.

She walked around the room, then went over to the door. She turned back to him. "I want to go put my feet in the water," she said. "I've missed that."

He looked at Maddie. "What about her?"

Rayna smiled. "Her too. She needs to be a part of this too." She walked out onto the porch and sat down on one of the chairs, sliding her boots off. He came and joined her, taking off his own boots and then untying Maddie's shoes and slipping them off, along with her socks. She lifted up her feet and wiggled her toes, laughing as she did. Rayna reached out and grabbed one of Maddie's feet and leaned towards her. "You wanna get your feet wet, sweetie?" she asked and Maddie laughed in reply, as Rayna tickled the bottom of her foot. She looked up at Deacon. "Let's go."

They headed down the lawn towards the lake. When they were right at the edge, he put Maddie down on the grass and they each took one of her hands and stepped into the cool water. Maddie shrieked loudly, trying to lift her feet up, but after a few minutes, she got used to the water and pulled her hands free so she could stick them in the water too. She started splashing water all around, laughing happily. Deacon and Rayna exchanged happy glances and leaned down to put their hands in the water too, to Maddie's delight. He suddenly felt overwhelmed with all the goodness in their lives at that moment and had to bite the inside of his cheek to hold back the tears.

* * *

Rayna took Maddie out onto the porch as the sun started to dip in the sky. He took the opportunity to go retrieve the ring box and put it in his pocket. When he walked back out to the porch, Rayna looked up at him and smiled. "This has been such a great day," she said. "I had really forgotten how much I love it here." He sat down next to her and she reached for his hand. "This will always be a special place."

He nodded and then swallowed hard. He felt nervous again. He squeezed her hand. "You know, I bought this place so we could spend the rest of our lives here." She nodded. "It was your perfect dream house, baby, and so I thought it would be the perfect place for this." He slid out of his chair and onto one knee in front of her. She widened her eyes and lifted one hand to cover her mouth. He could see tears in her eyes. He pulled out the ring box and opened it, holding it out to her. "Baby, I love you so much," he said, feeling himself getting choked up. "Will you marry me?"

He saw a tear roll down her cheek and she leaned down, pressing her face against Maddie's head. For a second, he worried that she was going to say no, and his stomach clenched. There was something in her eyes he didn't understand. But then she looked back at him and gave him a little smile and nodded. "Yes," she said, her voice shaking.

He grinned with relief and leaned towards her. She put her hand on his cheek and pressed her lips against his. Then they just looked at each other and laughed a little and he took the ring and put it on her finger. She held it out and then looked at him, smiling happily. "Deacon, it's beautiful," she whispered. Maddie babbled and reached for Rayna's hand. Rayna grabbed Maddie's hand and laughed.

He grinned. "I love you, Rayna," he said.

She laughed again. "I love you, Deacon."

He pushed up from his kneeling position and leaned down to kiss her again, then sat in the chair next to her, thinking it was the happiest day of his life.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna sat in the chair in front of the mirror while her glam squad did her hair and makeup. She smiled to herself as she watched, feeling little tingles from her head all the way to her toes. She could feel butterflies in her stomach. This felt so different from the first time she'd gotten married. That day, she'd sat in a chair like this one, having her hair and makeup done, and all she'd wanted to do was burst into tears. She was pregnant and marrying a man who, while he'd promised to take care of her and love her, wasn't the love of her life. The man she was marrying today. Today she was happier than she'd ever been.

"Mama! Mama!" Maddie cried, as she burst into the room, chased by Tandy. Rayna shifted her eyes in the mirror to see Maddie running towards her and then Tandy finally grabbing her two year old. Tandy walked over to stand next to Rayna and she reached up and grabbed one of Maddie's little hands.

"Hey, sweet girl," she said.

"Mama, I ready," Maddie declared. Rayna looked at her daughter's reflection in the mirror. Maddie had on a little white dress with a pink tie around the waist and some baby's breath in her almost shoulder length hair. Rayna noticed the flowers were starting to fall out.

"Tandy, the little flowers are falling out," she said to her sister.

Tandy looked at Maddie and adjusted them. "I don't know that we'll make it to the wedding with them still in her hair," she said.

Rayna smiled. "It's okay." She lifted a finger and shook it at Tandy. "As long as you make sure she doesn't get dirty."

Tandy smirked. "I can do that." She rubbed Rayna's shoulder. "How you feeling today?"

The stylists finished and Rayna reached for Maddie, settling the little girl on her lap. "I'm good. Excited." Tandy's smile was tight. "I know how _you_ feel, but you'll be nice for my sake, right?"

Tandy sighed. "As long as you're happy, sweetie. That's all I care about."

Rayna slid forward in the chair and pushed herself up, moving Maddie to her hip. "I think I'm ready to get dressed." She looked around, not sure what to do with Maddie, whose little hand was reaching for her mother's hair.

"Can I take her?" came Deacon's voice from the door. She looked over at him and smiled happily. He was already dressed in a three-piece suit and she thought he couldn't look more handsome.

"If you wouldn't mind, that would be great, babe," she said, walking over to hand their daughter to him.

He took Maddie and kissed her on the cheek. "We need to let Mama get dressed, sweetie," he said.

"Okay," Maddie said. "Let's go!"

Rayna laughed and grabbed Maddie's hand and kissed her palm. "I'll see you soon, sweet girl," she cooed. Then she looked up at Deacon. "And you too," she said. He pulled her in close, his hand on her back and kissed her gently, careful of her makeup.

"We'll be waiting for you," he murmured. Then he turned and left with Maddie.

Rayna watched as they left, then turned back to her sister. "You ready to get dressed?" Tandy asked.

Rayna nodded, suddenly feeling emotional. She took a deep breath, waving her hands in front of her face. "I don't want to cry now that I have makeup on," she said.

Tandy walked over and rubbed her hand on Rayna's back. "Then don't," she said. "Just think happy thoughts. You're marrying the love of your life today. I never thought I could say that out loud, but I just did. So that ought to help."

Rayna laughed. "It does." She walked over to the dress, hanging by the mirror. It was a cream colored lace gown that skimmed down over her body, with a mermaid skirt and off shoulder cap sleeves. She shrugged out of the robe and let Tandy lift the dress over her head. It slid down over her and then Tandy buttoned up the back and adjusted it. Rayna looked at herself in the mirror, as the hair stylist rushed over to make last minute adjustments to her hair. "What do you think?" she asked, even though Tandy had been with her when she'd had her final fitting.

Tandy put her arms around Rayna's shoulders and hugged her. "You look beautiful, sweetheart," she said.

Rayna bit her lip. "I hope Deacon likes it."

Tandy made a face. "I don't think that's going to be a problem for him. I'm pretty sure he won't have eyes for anyone but you."

Rayna sighed and then smiled. "I can't believe we're finally doing this."

Tandy rubbed her arm. "Well, I'm going to go on out there and take Maddie off Deacon's hands. And we'll be waiting for you."

Rayna just nodded at her and watched her sister walk out the door. She took a deep breath and walked over to the window that overlooked the river. She rubbed her hands together and then looked down at her engagement ring. It was a beautiful ring, but it had reminded her, the night he gave it to her, that she had promised him she would never keep anything from him again. She had not told him everything about the night Maddie was conceived, but when they'd gotten home from the cabin that weekend, she had felt like she needed to come clean.

 _He walked back into the living room after putting Maddie down and joined her on the couch, pulling her into his arms. He leaned in and nuzzled her neck. "Are you happy?" he asked._

 _She nodded and turned to look at him. "So happy," she murmured. She looked down, then back up. "I need to tell you something, though, babe."_

 _He frowned. "You know you can tell me anything, Ray," he said._

 _She took a deep breath and then reached in her pocket for the small black bag. She turned to face him and opened the bag, letting a ring fall into her palm. She looked up at him. "Do you remember this?" she asked._

 _He picked up the ring and looked at it. She had looked at it so often, ever since that fateful day. It was silver, plain except for a few diamond chips embedded in engraved vine swirls. Inside the band was the word 'Eternity'. She had thought it looked more like a wedding band than an engagement ring, but she had cherished it all the same. She watched his face as he turned it so he could look inside the ring. He closed his eyes for a second, then looked at her. "I bought this for you," he said. "I had it a long time, thinking one day I would ask you. And then it was gone." He breathed in. "How did you get it?"_

" _You gave it to me," she said softly. "That night we went to the cabin."_

 _He closed his eyes again and, when he opened them, she saw tears. "I did?" he asked. She nodded. "Oh, God, Ray. I don't remember." He closed his hand over the ring. He breathed in. "I kept thinking someday I could give it to you and, I guess, I thought I lost it." He breathed out. "God, I'm sorry."_

 _She shook her head. "We're past all that now."_

 _He looked at her. "You kept it all this time?" he asked._

 _She nodded. "I did. I kept thinking maybe we'd need it someday." She reached up and ran the back of her hand over his cheek. "I was thinking that maybe you might want to use it as my wedding band."_

 _He frowned. "You sure? 'Cause it seems like it would just be bad memories."_

 _She shrugged. "Or we could keep it for Maddie. A memento of the night we made her." She could see the tears filling his eyes. She reached out and closed her hands around his closed hand. "Babe, I just didn't want to hide anything from you."_

 _He breathed in. "I'm so sorry, Rayna."_

 _She moved in closer and leaned in, kissing him gently. "All that's behind us, Deacon. We've got the rest of our lives together."_

Ultimately, they decided to keep the ring for Maddie, that they would choose a new wedding band to signify a new beginning. Now she was going to marry the love of her life and they were going to truly be that family they always talked about. Forever and for always.

* * *

Rayna was talking to some of the guests when she felt Deacon's hands on her arms. She turned to look up at him and smiled. "Mind if I steal her away?" he asked their guests, getting understanding smiles and shaking heads. Then he took her hand and walked her outside to the deck that overlooked the river. It was dark and the stars were twinkling in the sky. It was a warm night, with a very light breeze. He stood behind her and kissed the back of her neck and then along her shoulder and she giggled. "You happy, baby?" he whispered into her ear.

She nodded. "Very happy," she said, leaning back into him. He slid his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Are _you_ happy?"

"Happiest I ever been," he said. He sighed. "You know, when I came back from rehab that last time, I never figured on all this happening. But I got you, I got a daughter, I got a family." He tightened his arms around her. "I knew, the first moment I ever saw you, I knew we were meant for each other. I just can't hardly believe, after all this time, you're my wife."

She turned in his arms, tears in her eyes. "It's always been you, Deacon, for me." She smiled. "And now you're my husband and we'll be able to do this together for the rest of our lives."

He leaned in and kissed her. "How 'bout we go change clothes and get the hell outta here?" he asked, a twinkle in his eyes.

She laughed. "I think that's the best idea you've had all night," she said. He let her go and took her hand, leading her to the room where their bags were stored.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon stood, waiting for Rayna. His attention was diverted for a moment by Maddie, sitting in Tandy's lap. "Daddy!" she shrieked, waving her hand at him. He smiled at his daughter and winked, watching Tandy trying to shush her. Gentle laughter sounded from their guests. He watched Maddie put her hands over her mouth, although he could still see her grin, and his smile got a little broader.

Rayna had been right. Since he'd found out Maddie was his daughter, he'd had many special moments with her. Her first words, which he'd been pleased and touched by, were 'da da'. He'd gotten to be there to soothe her when she was scared and be the recipient of her sweet kisses when she'd missed him. He'd tucked her into bed at night and let her sit on his lap while he played the guitar. He was the one she wanted to play dolls with, which always made him chuckle. These days were more challenging, as she was going through not only the terrible two's but also potty training. But he wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

 _Their wedding day had dawned sunny and warm, with just a hint of a breeze. The trees were green, the flowers were blooming everywhere, and it was the happiest day of his life._

" _Deacon," she whispered. "Are you awake yet?"_

 _He fought his way to consciousness and opened his eyes slightly. "I am now," he said, with a smirk. He slid his arm around her and rubbed her back. She looked wide awake and she was smiling at him. He forced his eyes completely open. "Morning, baby."_

 _She leaned in and kissed him. "We're getting married today," she said._

 _He grinned then. "Yes, we are."_

 _She trailed her fingers over his chest. "I can't believe we're finally doing this," she said, a wistful look on her face. "After all these years and everything we've gone through…."_

 _He put a finger over her mouth and made a shushing noise. "I think it all happened the way it was supposed to. We got all the hard stuff outta the way and now we can just focus on the future." He breathed in. "You're just my one true love, Rayna. You know that."_

 _She smiled and nodded. "I do. And you're mine."_

 _He rolled her over onto her back and kissed her. He gazed into her eyes. "You're my whole world, Rayna Jaymes," he whispered. "For eternity." She reached up and pulled his face back down to hers and kissed him, adjusting herself so that he knew how much she wanted him. And then he gave her exactly what she was asking for._

He was brought back to the present as the music started. Everyone stood and he watched as Rayna came towards him. She had wanted to walk down the aisle by herself, which had left Lamar grumbling initially, but she had told them all _she_ was giving herself to Deacon, that nobody else could do that. It had made him proud then and he felt proud now, as he watched her come closer. She kept her eyes on him, except when she reached Tandy and Maddie and she'd reached for Maddie's outstretched hand and kissed it, smiling at their daughter.

It seemed as though she floated the rest of the way to him. When she stood beside him, facing him, she smiled. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," he replied, smiling back at her. Then she looked down and took his hand and they turned together to face the minister.

* * *

He watched her from across the room as she talked to some of the guests. He felt his breath catch. _She's so damn beautiful._ It was hard to believe sometimes that they'd finally worked their way back to each other. That they had overcome all their history, and her keeping Maddie secret from him, to get to this place. He could look back, from where they were today, and see how hard it had been for her to keep that secret, how much she had wanted to tell him. And she had given him some precious moments with Maddie, moments he was grateful to have had.

They had decided to schedule the wedding during her first tour break. He wouldn't have minded just getting married right away at the courthouse, but Rayna had wanted a real wedding. And, of course, he couldn't deny her anything. She had planned the wedding she didn't have the first time and all he cared about was the fact that she seemed happy with all of it.

He was suddenly aware that someone had come up next to him and he looked over to see Tandy. He frowned slightly. "Where's Maddie?" he asked.

She inclined her head towards the back. "In the brides' room, sound asleep. With Mia. I'll take her home as soon as y'all leave." He took a deep breath. Rayna's sister had never liked him, but she had, at least, been cordial in the days leading up to the wedding. Tandy looked back at him. "It was a beautiful ceremony," she said. She looked over at Rayna. "And Rayna looks very happy."

He smirked as he looked at her. "But you're not," he said.

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, I've made my peace with it. I told Rayna I would." She leaned in and lowered her voice. "But I'll always be there, Deacon. Just don't ever hurt my sister or my niece again." She walked off then, leaving him to look after her, just shaking his head.

* * *

"I have everything I ever wanted," Rayna murmured against his chest.

He tightened his arms around her and she slid one leg in between his, moving her hand to his waist. He breathed in deeply and kissed her hair. "Me too, baby," he whispered. She snuggled a little closer and he concentrated on the feel of her skin against his. "Now we got the rest of our lives together."

She turned her head to look at him and nodded. "Yeah, we do," she said. "You and me and Maddie."

"And one more one day," he said with a grin.

She laughed. "Yeah, we'll do that. Maybe when Maddie's a little more self-sufficient, don't you think?" He nodded and she ran her hand over his cheek. "I made the right decision. Finally," she said, looking wistful.

He frowned slightly and smoothed her hair with his hand. "That don't matter no more, baby," he said. "Remember?"

She looked down for a second, then back to his eyes. "I know, but it just feels like we wasted time. _I_ wasted time." She bit down on her lip. "I want us to always stay this connected."

"We will," he said. He kissed her and then smiled. "But now I think I want to connect a different way."

She pretended to be surprised and then smiled. "Oh, I'm ready for you, babe," she said. He rolled her over then and showed her just how much he loved her.

 _A/N: That's the end of the story, but I will post an epilogue. Thanks for all the kind reviews and to everyone who read this. I'm so glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it._


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N: A little wrap up to see how our little family turned out._

 **EPILOGUE**

Deacon pulled up to the cabin. It had been hard getting Rayna out of bed, but he was glad to see they'd still been the first ones to get there. Christmas with the family at the cabin was one of their favorite times of the year. When he turned off the truck, she turned to look at him. "How long do you think it'll be before they all get here?" she asked.

He could see something in her eyes and he smiled slowly. "What you got in mind, Ray?" he asked.

She shrugged and smiled. "I was thinking maybe we needed to change the sheets in the bedroom, or something," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "Ain't none of 'em ever been on time for nothing, so I'd say we got time to change those sheets," he said, with a grin. "Or something."

He got out of the truck and waited for her, then took her hand and they hurried down the porch. He unlocked the door and they headed straight for the bedroom.

* * *

He had his arms around her and she was laying with her head on his shoulder and one leg across his. He let his thumb run up and down her arm lazily. He kissed her hair and she made that little contented noise she made when she was very, very happy. She turned her head and rested her chin on his chest, smiling at him. "You are still the sexiest man I know," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "How many other sexy men do you know, baby?" he asked.

She made a face and swatted at his shoulder. "Only you, honey," she said. "Only you." She closed her eyes for a minute, a satisfied smile on her face, and then opened them again. "This is still pretty much my favorite thing to do with you."

He chuckled. "I'm sure our girls would be horrified if they knew we still 'changed the sheets'," he said. He ran his hand over the back of her head, squeezing a fistful of her still reddish-gold hair.

"Well, I think it's good for them to see true love, don't you? Even after all these years?" she replied.

He nodded. "Yep, you're right." He pulled her face close to his and kissed her, lingering on her lips, feeling her hand drifting down his chest.

"Mom? Dad? Where are y'all?" came a female voice from the great room.

Rayna bolted up and Deacon, for a moment, took in her still slender naked body. She rolled out of the bed and slapped him on the leg. "Deacon, get up and get dressed," she hissed.

"Mom? Dad?" The voice was closer.

"Just a minute, sweetie!" Rayna called out. "Be right there!" He watched as she quickly pulled back on the clothes she'd worn on the drive up and ran to the mirror to pull her hair into a ponytail. When she turned, he was still laying naked in the bed, smiling at her. "Deacon Claybourne, get out of that bed," she whispered.

He put one hand behind his head and smirked. "I will. Soon as you leave," he said.

She made a frustrated noise and rolled her eyes. Then she came back over and smacked his leg again. "You might want to cover up, in case I decide to leave the door open," she said.

He sat up then. "You wouldn't dare," he said.

She raised an eyebrow. "How well do you know me, babe?" she asked as she headed for the door.

"Damn it, Rayna!" he said as he sprang up from the bed and ran for the bathroom.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna watched Deacon as he scrambled out of bed, laughing at her husband, and then opened the door and walked out, smiling to herself as she pulled it closed behind her. Even after all these years, she'd still rather spend time with him than with anyone else.

When she walked out to the great room, she saw Leah standing by the sliding glass doors, looking out over the lake. Leah whirled around at the sound of footsteps. "What were y'all doing?" she asked, a twinkle in her eye.

Rayna smiled and walked over to embrace her daughter. Leah was the spitting image of her, with the same red-gold hair, cornflower blue eyes, and freckles sprinkled across her nose. Leah was the only one of her children who looked just like her. She could hear Deacon's voice in her head. _That girl is just a mini you, stubborn as a mule and always right._ She pushed a strand of hair behind Leah's ear. "Changing the sheets," she said. "You know how it is when we first come up."

Leah rolled her eyes. "You and Dad are just so embarrassing," she said. She pulled back and smiled. "But I sure do hope I find a man who turns me on like that when I'm sixty." Rayna laughed and kissed her daughter on the cheek.

"Where's your sister?" Deacon asked, as he emerged from the bedroom.

Leah turned to look at her father and smiled. "She's coming with Maddie and Kevin and the boys." She made a face. "If I had known I was going to interrupt you and Mom, I'd have done the same." She stepped out of Rayna's embrace then and walked over to hug her father.

He hugged her hard. "The only one you interrupt is your mother," he said, winking at Rayna over Leah's shoulder.

Leah pushed back and made a face. "Oh, gross, you two," she said. "Why can't I have nice, normal parents who just tolerate each other and don't embarrass their kids?"

Deacon smirked. "Just your bad luck, I guess," he said, with a laugh.

Rayna walked over and put her arms around Deacon's waist and kissed him, then turned back to their daughter. "You really wish you had parents who didn't like each other?" she asked.

Leah looked at them, as though considering that, and then she smiled and shook her head. "No, not really. So, I'm gonna go get my suitcase and stuff."

Deacon let go of Rayna and walked over, draping his arm around Leah's shoulders. "I can help you," he said, and led her outside.

Rayna stood and watched them walk out, breathing in and smiling happily. This was what she'd hoped for, all those years ago when she had gone to Deacon's house and told him the truth about Maddie. It hadn't really taken them long to get past it, but it had felt like forever at the time. And now she had that life she'd really wanted, with her husband and her family.

When Maddie was four, Daphne had come along, and then when Daphne was five, they'd been surprised with twin girls, Leah and Sophie. Deacon sometimes complained he was severely outnumbered, but she knew he loved them all and wouldn't trade any of them for the world. The two of them had only grown stronger together over the years. She was so proud of Deacon, who'd now spent many more years sober than he'd ever spent drunk. But more than anything, she still loved him the same way she had when she'd first laid eyes on him, back when she was sixteen years old. They were still inextricably linked and she wouldn't have had it any other way.

 _ **~nashville~**_

The cabin was full. Christmas Eve was always about decorating the tree and putting out the gifts, then making and eating pizza. Everyone was in bed, or at least in their rooms, waiting for Christmas morning. This had become their tradition, once the girls were grown, and they'd all decided it was the perfect place to spend Christmas together. Deacon had Rayna in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "You know them kids are gonna be up before the crack of dawn," he said.

She turned her face to look at him. "Which kids?"

He laughed. "Could be all of 'em, but I guess I was thinking about the grandkids."

She made a face. "I just hope they don't come hovering outside _our_ door."

He grinned. "We'll just tell 'em we're changing the sheets."

She laughed out loud. "Do you think that ever fooled anyone?"

He smirked. "I think it did until Maddie had that damn sex education class in school and then she started side-eying us after that." He chuckled. "She told 'em that, just like she told 'em all about Santa Claus."

She reached up and ran her finger down his cheek. "I was just thinking about something Leah said to me."

"What's that?"

She smiled playfully. "She said she hoped she had a man who turned her on when she was sixty."

He raised his eyebrows. "I turn you on, baby?" He slid his hand under the sheet and ran his fingers down her side to her hip.

She nodded. "Mm hm." He shifted her slightly and then let his fingers trail down between her legs. "Oh, Deacon," she murmured, as he touched her exactly how she liked to be touched. He watched her face, as she closed her eyes and her mouth opened slightly.

He turned his head so that his mouth was against her ear. "I'm going in for the prize," he whispered. He pulled her on top of him and then did just that.

* * *

Rayna was breathing hard as she lay back against the pillow. Deacon reached up and pushed her hair off her face. "Hope you didn't wake nobody up," he said, with a chuckle. He loved looking at her, just after sex, when her face was flushed and dreamy, her smile soft. She was always beautiful to him, but never more so than when she was still feeling the afterglow.

She frowned slightly, then closed her eyes and laughed softly. "You make me do that," she said, shaking her finger at him.

He slid up a little closer and kissed her on the mouth. "I guess I do, don't I?" he said. "But you was asking me so pretty." He loved teasing her.

She rolled her eyes and then laughed again, putting her arms around his neck. "We need to get some sleep, though, you know, babe? It'll be wake up time before we know it."

He sighed and kissed her again, then rolled onto his back. "I s'pose you're right." He turned his face to hers and smiled. "It's great having everybody here, ain't it?"

She smiled back and nodded. "It is. But I think you just like having a little extra testosterone in the house."

He grinned. "It don't hurt having them here, that's for sure." He rolled onto his side and propped his head up, running his hand up and down her arm. "I sure do appreciate Maddie having boys."

She grinned at him. "It doesn't hurt that they're so damn cute either." She lifted her hands to his face and pulled him down to kiss him. "We need to go to sleep, babe, or you'll be cranky in the morning." She rolled onto her side, her back to him.

He slid over to spoon her, putting his arm down over her waist. "Who you calling cranky?" he whispered in her ear, lightly running his hand down her stomach.

She swatted at him over her shoulder. "Go to sleep, babe," she said. He kissed her behind her ear, in that place that always made her shiver. "Deacon," she whispered. "Stop."

"I thought I was the sexiest man you know," he whispered back.

She chuckled softly. "You are, but those babies are gonna be up before we know it and we're just a couple of old people who are gonna be cranky."

He nuzzled the back of her ear. "Merry Christmas, baby," he said.

"Merry Christmas, my love." He tightened his arm around her and closed his eyes, happy to be falling asleep with her yet another night.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As much as Rayna loved watching her grandsons on Christmas morning, it did make her long for the days when her girls had all gotten past the need to get up before the sun did. Those were the days when she and Deacon could sit in the den, drinking coffee, with the Christmas tree lights twinkling and just enjoy being together. This was almost as good though, as she sat on the couch with Deacon's arm around her, the two little boys playing with their toys and their daughters and son-in-law bustling around in the kitchen, making the traditional Claybourne family Christmas brunch.

"You happy, baby?" Deacon's breath tickled her ear and he lightly wrapped his arm around her neck.

She nodded and then looked at him. "So happy," she said.

She looked back at the kitchen. She could not be more proud of their girls. Maddie had lived up to every fear they'd ever had when she was a tiny girl. She was their rebellious girl, the ultimate mix of her parents, getting her talent from both of them, but also their personalities. She was impulsive like her father and determined like her mother and that had meant many ups and downs over the years. She and Deacon had decided that, when Maddie was twelve, they needed to tell her what had happened all those years ago. It had not been an easy time and she'd tested them mightily throughout her teen years. But she had grown into a lovely woman, a brilliant artist and songwriter, married to her duo partner and the mother of two adorable little boys.

Daphne had been the brilliant light of their family, all sunshine and energy. She was off on her own career journey and, while not quite as successful as her older sister, she was happy with her place in life. She and Deacon had always agreed – Daphne was their perfect child. Smart, fun, loving, well-behaved. Daphne had always been a mama's girl, still was.

The twins had been their surprise babies. When Daphne was born, they had declared their family perfect. Maddie adored her baby sister and the two girls were close, even though they were four years apart. Rayna had taken some time off after Daphne was born but then jumped back into her career and had been more successful than ever, selling multiple platinum albums, charting ten number one records, selling out big arena tours, and winning award after award. She was at the top of her game, the undisputed 'Queen of Country Music'. And then she got a stomach virus that would not go away.

 _She was laying on the bathroom floor, her face pressed against the cool tile. She was sick of being sick. Deacon came into the bathroom then and knelt down beside her. "Can I get you something?" he asked._

" _No," she moaned. Then she lifted her hand and waved it at him. "Wait. A cold washcloth. And maybe some warm ginger ale. What time is it, babe?"_

" _Eight thirty."_

 _She tried to push herself up but waves of nausea rolled over her and she laid back down. "I've got to get the girls ready," she said._

" _I already did."_

 _She closed her eyes and smiled. "You're so good, babe," she murmured._

 _He made a laughing noise. "Yeah, I am." She smirked and lightly smacked his leg. He cleared his throat. "I cancelled rehearsal today." She frowned. "I know, but you need to go to the doctor. I made an appointment for that too."_

 _Her eyes flew open. "Oh, no, Deacon, I don't need to do that."_

 _He looked incredulous. "Rayna, you been sick for almost two weeks. This ain't no stomach flu."_

 _She narrowed her eyes at him. "Well, what is it then, Dr. Claybourne?" she snarked._

 _He raised his eyebrows. "Really? It hadn't crossed your mind that maybe you're, I don't know, pregnant or something?"_

 _She sat up then, the nausea forgotten. "No," she whispered fiercely. "No, no, no! I can't be pregnant. I've got a tour starting in six weeks. An album dropping in a month. We were done with babies after Daphne. This is impossible, Deacon."_

 _He grinned. "Oh, I think it's possible." He wrinkled his brow and pretended like he was thinking. "I don't know, maybe that night at the Opry? Or it could have been that night at the pool, after the girls were asleep. Or…."_

 _She put her head in her hands. "Oh, no. What in the world were we thinking?" she moaned._

" _Well, I think it might have been you getting all turned on…."_

 _She looked up at him. "Me? You're going to blame this on me? I sure didn't do this by myself, Deacon Claybourne. If, that is, I'm actually pregnant."_

 _He shrugged, a teasing grin on his face. "Well, we have an appointment with Dr. Morris in an hour and a half. We can find out then."_

She leaned her head on his arm and he pulled her closer. "What?" he whispered.

She shook her head. "Nothing, really. I was just thinking about when I found out I was pregnant with the twins."

"That was quite a surprise," he said.

"Yes, it was. Not only that you got me pregnant, but with twins. _Twins_ , Deacon!" She turned to look at him and he raised his eyebrows.

"You still blaming me?"

She smiled. "Yes, I am." She turned back to look at the girls. She'd had to postpone part of the tour that year, and she'd accepted four CMA's just two weeks before giving birth, but once Leah and Sophie arrived, they were a perfect addition to their family. Leah was the dreamer of the family, never moving in a straight line, but somehow always landing on top. She was the only one who hadn't gravitated to the music business, ending up in interior design instead. She was headstrong, like Maddie, yet always positive, like Daphne.

Her eyes lit on Sophie then and she got thoughtful. Sophie was the daughter who'd inherited Deacon's disease. Pills first, after a fall she'd suffered during cheerleading practice when she was seventeen. Alcohol later. She'd gone to rehab twice and both Rayna and Deacon had been sick with worry, although Deacon had taken it extremely hard. But Sophie had been clean and sober for four years, making her way as a songwriter, and they were both grateful.

He sighed. "I worry about her every day." It was as though he could read her mind. Not surprising, she supposed. They'd been together almost forty-five years and it seemed they grew even more entwined as time went on.

She drew her knees up and ran her fingers over his arm. "I know," she said. Just then, as though she had sensed her parents talking about her, Sophie turned to look at them. She had Deacon's dark hair and ice blue eyes. She was so much like him, she'd taken Rayna's breath away. Sophie smiled then, as if to say 'everything's okay' and then she turned back to grab plates.

As Sophie put plates on the table, Leah and Daphne started setting the food out. Maddie and her husband went to drag their boys away from the Christmas bounty. As Maddie settled Trey, her youngest, on her hip, she looked at her parents. "Mom, Dad, brunch is served!" she declared, with a bright smile.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Every once in a while, Deacon would think back to the days when he didn't have Rayna. Not to feel sad, but to remind himself of how much he would have missed, if he'd never gotten his life together. He wouldn't have her, or this family, or all the good things they'd experienced in their life together. As he sat with her, watching their girls fixing Christmas brunch and their grandsons play with their toys, his heart felt full with the sounds of laughter and chatter, with this family he had built with her.

He leaned into her. "You happy, baby?" he whispered into her ear as he lightly wrapped his arm around her neck.

She nodded and then looked at him. "So happy," she said. He kissed her on the cheek and she turned back to look at the commotion in the kitchen. He followed her gaze, his eyes lighting on each of his girls.

Maddie had been the one who'd started all this. His beautiful, precious first girl. He hadn't met her until she was six months old and didn't know he was her father until she was one. She was the one who'd brought him and Rayna back together, although, as a baby, she wouldn't know that at the time. She was definitely the one who had made it worthwhile to stay focused on working his program and staying sober. Having her in his life, and Rayna, had made all the difference.

Rayna had told him, more than once, that during the time he didn't know about her, Maddie represented, for her, what was beautiful about their relationship. He had to smile, thinking about how many times Maddie had tested them. She was willful and headstrong, rebellious and determined. Her motto always seemed to be 'I can do it myself'. She had repeatedly pushed boundaries with them and was the subject of many frustrated parenting conversations.

They had made the hard decision to tell her the truth about Rayna's marriage to Teddy, at least as much as they felt she needed to know, mindful of the fact that she could hear about it herself at some point. Maddie had not taken it well and it had been many years before she had fully forgiven them.

" _So you lied to Dad and you lied to me?" she cried, angrily scowling at her mother._

 _Rayna spread her hands and looked at Maddie with pleading eyes. "Not exactly, sweetie. But things were so complicated then," she said, hoping to fix things and looking at Deacon for help._

 _He cleared his throat. "Maddie, I wasn't in a really good place then and your mama did what she thought was best for you," he said._

 _Maddie looked at him, her eyes blazing. "How could you have even forgiven her for doing that, Dad? She just pushed you away and married someone else. How could you be okay with that?" He could see the tears in her eyes._

 _He walked over to her and tried to put his arms around her, but she pulled away. "Sweetie, I was mad at first when I found out, but later on I understood why your mama did what she did. And I was there most of the time anyway. I forgave her." He looked at Rayna, who was distraught._

" _Maddie, I made a mistake," Rayna said, biting her lip. "And then I fixed it. Because I didn't want to keep you and your father apart. I wanted us to be a family, and we are."_

 _Maddie glared at her. "I won't ever believe anything you guys say again. Especially you."_

That didn't turn out to be completely true, but Maddie remained challenging – and challenged them – until she was out of her teens. Now, though, their relationship with their oldest daughter was close and loving and he remained grateful for her, and the family she now had.

With Daphne, he'd gotten to experience all the things he hadn't with Maddie. He had never believed Rayna could be more beautiful than she already was, but seeing her pregnant with Daphne had changed his mind about that forever. She glowed, she looked radiant, and she was sexier than ever. She also complained about being hot and tired and feeling fat and having heartburn, but she looked beautiful to him. And although she had warned him about life with an infant, Daphne had been a good baby and he had loved every minute of it. He had his perfect family and life was good.

And then, quite surprisingly, came Leah and Sophie. Two at once were challenging, both before and after they were born. But, even though they hadn't planned for more, it had felt like they wouldn't have been complete without them. Rayna rested her head on his arm. "What?" he whispered, leaning into her.

"Nothing, really. I was just thinking about when I found out I was pregnant with the twins."

"That was quite a surprise," he said, smiling at how, yet again, they seemed to be on the same wavelength.

"Yes, it was. Not only that you got me pregnant, but with twins. _Twins_ , Deacon!" She huffed and he smirked. Back when she was pregnant with them, he'd teased her about being 'extra pregnant', and she'd scowl at him angrily.

"You still blaming me?"

She smiled. "Yes, I am." He guessed he deserved at least half the blame, but she was always so irresistible, especially when she was being flirty.

Leah was like Daphne, the perfect child. It was Sophie who had caused them the most pain and heartache. After suffering a back injury during a cheerleading stunt, Sophie had been given a painkiller. Neither he nor Rayna had thought much about it at the time and he blamed himself for that, knowing his own history with both painkillers and alcohol. It wasn't until Rayna had found her one morning, hiding in her closet with a full-blown panic attack and cold sweats, that they realized her withdrawn behavior was more than just a typical teenage phase. He had alternated between fear, anger, guilt, and desperation as they figured out what the next steps were. The hardest thing he'd ever done, even harder than his own trips to rehab, was the day they took her to the treatment center.

 _He got out of the truck and opened the back door. Sophie looked pale and tired, and he could see her hands shaking. She looked at him, her eyes sad and filled with remorse. She finally unfastened the seatbelt and got out. Rayna had come around and stood on the other side of their daughter._

 _Sophie started to cry. "I don't think I can do this," she said, putting her hands over her face._

 _He breathed in. He did not want to leave his child in this place, hated that she was having to face this, blaming himself for passing this on to her. But he knew he had to be strong for her. "You can do this," he said quietly, putting his arm around her. "You can. I know you can." He started walking her towards the entrance and then she whirled around._

" _Please don't do this," she begged Rayna, who was crying. "Please don't make me go, Mom." She grabbed Rayna's hands. "Please."_

 _Rayna shook her head. "You have to, baby," she said, her voice choking on sobs._

 _He could feel his own tears, but he willed himself to be strong for his daughter. He gently took Sophie's arm. "Come on, sweet girl," he said, softly. "You can do this."_

It was the hardest thing they'd ever done, walking their daughter into the treatment center. Until they had to do it again not quite two years later. But she'd been clean for four years. He once again saw the happy girl she'd been growing up and he thanked God for that every day. Now he looked up as Maddie called them to brunch and smiled. It was a happy day, one of many happy days they'd had and one of many to come.

He stood up and, turning to Rayna, took her hand as she got up as well. He smiled at her, giving her a quick kiss, and then they walked to the fully loaded table. When everyone was seated, they all looked at him, sitting at the head of the table. He cleared his throat.

"Me and your mama, we been together a lotta years," he said. "We had our ups and downs and challenges, but the one thing we always were was family. And now we got this great family and we're glad y'all are all here with us." He breathed in. "I never thought I'd have all this, but I do. I got the best family a man could have. Merry Christmas!"

Everyone called out 'Merry Christmas' and then started the food around the table. And in all the hustle and bustle of Christmas morning, Claybourne-style, he looked across the table at Rayna and smiled. She smiled back and, as he always did, he had that feeling of being home. _At the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that's good._

 **THE END**


End file.
